One child at private school, one at state: reassurance or pitfalls?

[Dearyme28]

Hello all,

I am wondering if any other parents have had one child in private and one in state or anything similar. No SEN for either child. No scholarship etc or obvious reasoning for doing so.

We sent our eldest to a private secondary with the view to send our second. 3 years later and have them both there at the same time for a while.

However, our second did not want to attend the private school. We insisted they take the exam to at least have the option, which they did reluctantly. They got a place and when we told them, they were incredibly unhappy. Our local high school is in a nice leafy area, close by and results are good. We sent our eldest to the private school primarily for the extra curricular opportunities in house and the extra push academically.

To cut a long story short, we agreed with our youngest that they could try the local high school for year 7 and we would keep an eye on things and review. With the big increase in fees with VAT, we were also wondering if forcing an unwilling child was worth the money (we obviously didn’t say that to our child).

Second child loves it the local high school. Has made some lovely friends and enjoys being closer to home. We have asked if they feel happy with the set up and they say it is what they want. However, I do feel they are cruising academically, and extra curricular at their school isn’t great. To fill this gap I am looking into making sure I keep them busy outside of school and I am getting a tutor. I can see the difference between the schools but I don’t think the difference is so marked, that it will create two different humans at the end of it.

I just feel we should have forced them to do the same as their older sibling for allignment. This is all in hindsight and I know it would be hard to move schools now. I just feel guilty even though both children are very happy, and stupid for thinking that I could live with doing different things for each child. I do have to seemingly explain our choices to lots of interested other parents and I hate that and feel terrible, hence the wobble.

Has anyone done similar and can you give me any reassurance and/or warnings that this will not work well for whatever reason!
Thank you

Having been the child who went to state secondary and my sibling went to a very expensive private boarding school, I would say it is most important the children are at the right school for them. My parents offered private secondary to me, I passed the exam but knew I hated the school and the pressure it put upon pupils. I have done well academically, financially and emotionally and never expected any recompense from my parents for not paying for my education. Tbh I would find it quite entitled of any child to expect recompense for this. Please, if the children are happy where they are, are succeeding and love school keep them where they are.
Yes, you may have to keep a more careful eye on the results from the state secondary but a child who is willing to attend school, has social skills and loves life is way more important. If they have the academic ability and support from home they will succeed wherever they are.

@KatsPJs I get where you are coming from from. But the school is 6k a term. If I spent that on my second child for extras on top of her decent state education, I think she would look way better off than her older sister! My second daughter does quite a few extra things outside school. My eldest does nothing outside at the moment and does things in house. We are very fortunate to allow them to follow their interests. I don’t yet have a tutor for second child but I will get one. My eldest has mentioned she’d like a tutor for maths (so it goes to show that private isn’t perfect). We are helping her so far, but we may get her a tutor if she needs one.
@Jrisix yes I think just telling them is best. I wish I had just done that to be honest as I’m sure my daughter would have accepted it, if a year prior I just said ‘this is what you’re doing, you’ll be fine’. Instead of ‘what’s that? You don’t want to go? Why not? Are you sure?’ etc etc. 🙄🙄🤔 - these are faces my own mother has pulled over the last year at me! Hopefully it’ll all work out and I can look back and say I needn’t have worried so much.

It's about doing the best for each child, which is isn't necessarily the same school. I sent one of mine to private school due to SEN that could not be managed in the state sector (we tried for years but it was an absolute disaster). Others are doing fine in state school.

My brother went to a private (farming) boarding school. My parents wanted me to go to a similar school but I didn’t want to and went to the local comp (no other options in the area) I never felt resentment or anything else.

my brother got expelled just before his exams, I went on to get 2 degrees, a PGC and a good career

I went to a state school. DDis went to private. I came out with the better A Levels and degree.

If you’re interested, it’s because I passed the 11+ back in the days of yore when everyone sat the 11+ and depending on the result you went to grammar school or a “secondary modern” school.

After I’d been in the grammar for 3 years the area turned comprehensive. My snobby parents didn’t like that and wanted us both to go to a private school but I liked where I was and was in the A stream. I put my foot down and they reluctantly agreed to let me stay there.
dSis is a 3 years younger so never did the 11+ as it had been abolished by the time she was of an age to sit it.

I will be doing similar. One child in private and at least one if not two in state schools.

I’m sending them to the school that I think would be the best fit for them. That’s what you are doing. It would be completely different if we were just throwing money at a “favourite “

At the end of the day nobody knows how much the kids could cost us. One of them could require support to do a very long uni education. One of them could end up struggling and need support with a place to live ect..,

Why would you force your child to do something that would make her unhappy.
Personally I think being happy in education is the most important thing. People might cram facts and knowledge but they won't really learn if they are not happy..
Let her be herself..she isn't her sibling
You can always pay for extra curricula activities if there is something she is interested in .
I think she also has the advantage of mixing with people from a wider social background and she might end up with better results than your eldest. Private schools don't always equate to better results

I have three siblings and between us we did every variant of private all through, state all through, start state then go private and start private then go state.

To the best of my knowledge there’s never been any resentment or bad feeling about it - our parents took the best available option for each of us, taking into account our abilities, interests, personalities, and family finances at different times.

I think it helped that our parents didn’t compare the schools (at least in front of us), never suggested one was better than the other, always made it clear we could move if we wanted to.

@KnickerlessParsons very interesting thank you for telling me your experience. Do you think your parents were snobby though or just concerned about the change in your school, how it would affect you academically and possibly panicking as it sounds like you were on the cusp of GCSEs? Glad it all worked out well.
@AnSpideog good points - we never know how much our kids will cost us in the long run. I was brought up to think that schooling was the best ‘leg up’ you could give your child. But maybe nowadays I have to be more open minded and realise it’s not a one size fits all type of path through education. I do think my second child would thrive in either setting really….maybe that’s why I’ve found it tricky.

One slightly different thing that I do see in the schools (actually it’s more the culture of those attending) is that whilst the state school offer extra curricular clubs, they are not pressured to do them and I have heard talk of ‘only the nerds do them’…this is definately not true though! My second child’s friends are lovely and a really friendly bunch, but do not do a great deal outside of school except for rather a lot of phone scrolling. Eldest child’s friends are so busy with extra curricular in school and out of school, that there has been very little time for phone scrolling and hanging out together. i suppose I prefer a culture of aspiration and hard work… but I also appreciate the social life my second child has!

If it's helpful I went to private secondary school I didn't pass the 11+ and my parents income and gone up by the time I was that age so I went to a small local private school but they did push me and as a result I got good grades, went onto study law and ended up in well paid jobs plus without a doubt exposed to a life I wouldn't have had if that hasn't been the case. (This influenced who I married, how I've raised my children etc). Was a very positive experience for me but not one I would have chosen if that makes sense at that age myself.

My younger sister initially went to a grammar school but in about y9/10 I think it was my parents moved her over. She had wanted to stay with her friends and had been stronger I think in her views to my parents (plus it was a good school). However, she drifted into a bit of a 'wrong crowd' lost her focus. She wasn't happy about the move initially for a long time but in the end did extremely well academically and now (at the age of late 30s!) would say it was the right decision.

Sorry that was rather rambling, but I would listen to your gut and definitely monitor the situation clearly there is something that doesn't quite sit right with you.

@earlgreyismyjam thank you so much for sharing your experience. Definitely food for thought.