What to do with a bright child?

[Mumanddone]

I will be accused of bragging but I really am looking for genuine ideas here please.

4yo DD has started reception. She is in a private school. She can read fluently, writes and her maths skills are great. She is basically bilingual. She carries a conversation like a grown up - she’s hugely imaginative and great fun to talk to. She’s not some prodigy - she’s actually a bit of a silly little girl prone to not listening but she is objectively very very bright.

When I observe her peers, I don’t feel like they are on the same wavelength for the most part. Some of them are barely able to string a sentence together and they still seem to have very infantile form of expression. DD makes friends easily and is happy to play with anyone but at the same time - will this hold her back?

we decided for private school to boost her, but wondering if this is enough. I suppose there is a sliding scale to private education. Are there places better suited for her? Or is there something we should be doing to support her at home/ outside. She does the general run of clubs ie: drama, swimming etc.

Speak to the teacher once they’ve had chance to assess her. Your perception of bright is very different than theirs and what could you do about it anyway?

You said "at home she reads anything and everything" so yes, it was a misrepresentation. KS books are not actually "anything and everything".

My DS read Bible and Taylor's Biological Sciences at 4, just because they were on the bookshelves. DD read Harry Potter and Hobbit at 5-ish, but Rowling especially is an easy read compared to Taylor.

Goodness, you really know nothing, don’t you.

Diagnoses are very validating because many neurodivergent people go through life struggling with things that others can do easily. Example - offending people by accident by misreading what is acceptable and what is not. Hint hint. ND people go through their lives thinking they’re a terrible horse when actually they are an amazing zebra. To function “normally”, it takes a huge amount of energy. It’s truly exhausting. And they feel that even though they try incredibly hard to pass the ‘normal’ test, even with all the dedication and exertion involved, they only pass at 70% and still make a series of faux pas along the way. Like the ones you’re currently making but seem oblivious. Why don’t you just read up about it.

it genuinely saddens me that there are teachers who are so completely ill informed in our schools. If 1 in 5 children (adults obviously too) are neurodivergent, think how many children you are failing by not having a blood* clue.

I laughed out loud when you said no one had ever complained before. That’s because generally neurotypical people won’t complain to you - they’ll just pass judgment on you and bitch about you at get togethers.

Learn about neurodiversity and how it presents in women and girls. I think you’ll be amazed, if you allow yourself to be.

Yes I stand on the side of not indoctrinating innocent children and leading them down a medical pathway of harm. Dress how you like, have a relationship with another consenting adult. I do not care if men wear traditionally female clothing or if women prefer male clothing. However, sex is biological and the social and medical experiments causing damage to care experienced children, child sexual abuse rape survivors, children and young people with SEN is abhorrent along the handmaidens who are worse in my opinion.

This was my son and I did absolutely nothing except warn him that he wouldn't always be the brightest when he was about 6. Unfortunately this obviously went in one ear and out the other because when he was 14 he developed an eating disorder through perfectionist anxiety. He's nearly 18 now and thankfully on the road to recovery

I am sorry to hear that and am glad to hear he’s getting better

This! My daughter (now adult) is very bright and capable - always has been. She was so used to doing well with minimal effort that she avoided situations where she might struggle (eg after Japanese tutor for a year could have started school Japanese advanced class but chose the beginner class). At uni she finally had to learn about really putting work in and dealing with subjects not her strength (compulsory statistics paper) and did manage this. But in retrospect more emphasis on it being OK to make mistakes and learn would have helped her.

Honestly I would be very careful here. I think parents mature themselves as their children become teens you get more nuance away from from the crazy early primary hothousing approach some fall for.

Most parents would far rather have a happy social broadly intelligent “run of the mill” teen than a socially isolated unhappy perfectionist top of the class one.

@Hamiltonfan that's really interesting. I've never heard of 2e before. Autism runs in my family and my youngest 2 dc are both amazing academically but ds has asd and dd has adhd (and is also probably autistic. My eldest two were called 'eccentric' by their headteacher and are definitely a bit 'different' but haven't been assessed. They are also academically amazing.

OP when you ask what you should be doing for your very bright child, I’m wondering what your “end game” is. What is it you’re hoping for? Are you wanting her to do GCSEs early? Or learn more languages? A levels in year 7, degree at age 15? I’m not being facetious. I genuinely don’t understand why you feel you need to “do” anything specific.

If I had a child who was seemingly effortlessly clever, I would simply rejoice in the knowledge that school would be easy for them. Their superior brain would enable them to spend more time on hobbies, as presumably they’d get their homework done quickly, and wouldn’t need to put in hours of revision for exams. They would never dread lessons and worry about tests, which I’d be happy about. But other than encouraging and facilitating hobbies they were interested in, I wouldn’t do anything specific.

You have described a clever delightful child who is good at everything. Don’t spoil it. Let her carry on as she is and have lots of opportunities along the way. But don’t forget to let her just be a child.

Thanks, yes, he shares a flat with a girl now (just friends) and is really happy and settled. He just needs complete control over his meals and no mention of food whatsoever.

I did try to prepare him, but maybe I couldn't have? I don't know.

At the risk of sounding like I am bragging (I am really not), I was the exceptionally bright child. My teachers made a fuss. It continued all the way through high school and I got A levels in the same year as GCSEs.

I failed at everything beyond and now work in a trade.

If you want to know what I didn’t learn it was how to work hard, how to fail without spiralling into awful mental health, social skills, life skills and physical activity.

When everything comes too easily to you, you never learn how to really study and apply yourself, and perfectionism is the norm because you’re used to it. I should have done more things that were hard and really pushed me rather than all the academics that came naturally to me.

My 2 eldest dd both went to Cambridge and a lot of the students were perfectionists. Quite a few ended up taking a year out or not coming back. One lovely boy was a medic with dd1 and left after the first year, became an alcoholic and died when he was 28. Dd1 is the opposite of a perfectionist but dd2 definitely struggled with getting things wrong and was very black and white in her thinking.

There is a range within private schools, as there should be. Different schools have different demographics, different priorities.

My eldest was a very bright child at 4. Fluent reader etc. Her school for reception to y2 was not hugely academic, but focused on "soft skills". I was very pleased with them and they were very caring with her. We moved her for the start of Y3 to a school that is larger and has a wider range of extra curricular activities so she can broaden her interests. She's been very happy with that and says the children there are "more like her".

I wouldnt recommend aiming for somewhere that pushes academically. You don't NEED to push a bright young child. Just expose them to lots and let them develop a love of learning new things.

I also think its very important for a bright child not to only be surrounded by other bright children. In my experience (teaching at selective indepdent schools) a lot of children that have had little experience beyond school are either prone to arrogance or anxiety/imposter syndrome during the teenage years.

That was me! I never learned how to study or work hard and now at 60 I work in a warehouse. Exams were very easy for me but I never had a lot of confidence.

Just keep reading wonderful literature to her, lots and lots of books.
My DD was an advance reader, reading unabridged wind in the willows at 4. ( started reading at age 2).
She went on to do music started playing violin from age of 4 and now attends junior conservatoire.
All you can do is support their learning in a loving environment, give them time to explore and be curious.

I truly respect ND people who ask questions, want to learn and understand. However there’s a fine line between inquisitiveness and complete ignorance.

I look normal. I look like a human being.
I act normal. I’ve had 37 years of watching, learning and failing at social interactions - practise makes perfect! I’m a highly skilled masker, as are my children. Each one struggles to speak to adults, struggles with confrontation and keeps quiet - ergo.. slips under everybody’s radar. Like I did.

I never said I was functioning - what I thought was a breakdown earlier this year was actually an Autistic burnout. Years of masking, trying to fit in, trying to be normal, living with sensory issues and no support - my head collapsed. As the years went by, more responsibility, more demands.. I got to breaking point.

What I thought were panic attacks all my life were actually meltdowns.

I didn’t believe I could be Autistic because I was ignorant too once before my kids came along and I learned for them. Because I could make eye contact (loathe it) and because I’m highly empathetic I thought I couldn’t be autistic, mainly because of what is portrayed in the media.

Going back through my childhood videos this year - I struggled in every social event, I was counting to deal with stress, I was stimming and rocking.. all the signs had always been there. Even though I do feel some resentment towards my family - it was the 80s and there wasn’t the information that is available now. Now there is no excuse to be ignorant.

With all due respect - you don’t know what ND is. Being a teacher and having a daughter with qualities that are in line with a lot of research in autistic kids, I wouldn’t be so dismissive. Your attitude about the ‘labels’ absolutely sucks.

Now I have support in place for me and my family. My children are getting the right support in school to thrive and learn better. The doctor gives me medications to help. I’ve been able to understand my life, understand how I got here and forgive myself for a lot. It isn’t just a label.. it’s being given a handbook to finally live the life you were supposed to live. I’ve missed out on 37 years trying to fit into the wrong box. I’ll be damned if my kids suffer the same fate through any ignorance of mine.

One of my girls was exceptionally bright (still is) - she is now an academic in an American University, having gained a 1st at Cambridge and then her PhD.
She went to the village school and then a very ordinary comprehensive. Nothing held her back. We just gave her all the support we could to enjoy the things that fascinated her.
I Suggest you relax a bit and enjoy your bright child.

What’s going on on the outside can be very different to what is happening on the inside. My daughter - just turned 16, got her diagnosis this year.

As a toddler she was highly sociable, had lots of friends.. wasn’t quiet in the slightest and my only concern was she may have ADHD.

Fast forward to 14, demands at school increased, pressure increased and she fell apart. Struggled to make friends, multiple fallouts with girls. Begged and pleaded not to go every single day. For 2 years. I never considered her to be autistic as she is very different to me. However, as she is getting older, she now won’t leave her bedroom, spends all her time doing her special interest (editing) and barely speaks to us. It wasn’t until her only friend was diagnosed that she came to me and told me she could be.

Now that I am aware of autism and all the ways in which it can present, I’m kicking myself I hadn’t realised sooner. She struggled for years when she could have been helped and understood what was going on. It’s a part of her identity so being so flippant about ‘labels’ is insulting. It’s liberating to finally find out why. Why it’s been so hard and it comes so easy to others.

My daughter got straight 7s and 8s at GCSEs even though she was drowning mentally, couldn’t revise, couldn’t get into school for social issues and struggling with life so much. If she had had the right support, she could have done even better.. not that im unhappy with them I’m absolutely thrilled with the results.

You seem to care about achievements though. So maybe that will put it into perspective.

Living the wrong life can be very damaging.

Leave her be. Save your energy for when she is a teen because she will become aware she is bright and before you know it she will be acting like the adult and treating you like you are the child. While at reception age you might think it’s a good thing let me assure you it can get tiresome.

Former Gifted Child here 🤣I could read very fluently at 4, I wasn’t on war and peace but I could easily read a book for 10/ 11 year olds. They had someone come into school to do assessments / observations with me. From my own background, OP I would say do nothing. She is in private school so will have lots of sport and music opportunities which are important - you need to have more to your identity than just being clever, which in my own case I view as just being a thing you are born with like hair colour. Also agree with the PP that said it’s important she has opportunities to fail.

Eldest child was exceptionally bright. I made a point of making memories with all of them. Each child had a special time with me, just the two of us, doing what they chose - cooking, baking, playing cards, just talking. We had cats and a border collie, who were their bosom pals. We travelled widely, lots of experiences and challenges as a family and with their friends. I made sure they knew their great grandparents and talked with them about their early lives. A holiday home in the bush by a lake where they went wild swimming and bathing in the hot springs. Museums and exhibitions, they came with me on archaeological digs, slept on marae, talked with the old people, learned how to write kanji, speak Maori and Japanese, cooked international food at home, hosted French and Japanese students and teachers. Every night we read a book of each one's choice, lay in a heap in bed together making up silly rhymes and limericks, I took them with their whole class and teacher to look at prehistoric sites, we travelled hundreds of km to go birdwatching when eldest heard that a rare bird had been seen somewhere accessible (he was a passionate ornithologist from age of 6 - knew scientific names of every native bird, nesting habits, migration patterns, etc, and loved to be "tested" on them). Each child had their own "sleepy time music" that I put on the stereo-every night as they went off to sleep- eldest loved Mozart's Clarinet Quintet, second loved "Hey Jude". On occasions, when the moon was full and the bush dark and glorious, I would get them out of bed to go walking - our "starlight walks" to see the glowworms. Other times, into the car to go to the store for an icecream in their PJs, in the dark. We painted, wrote poetry, gardened, played. They still (in their 40s) speak of their rich and wonderful childhood.

Apparently I just want to communicate in memes 🤷🏻‍♀️

It sounds like absolute bliss. Parent goals.