Boarding school

[noddyholder]

I know this will descend into a big barney but I am asking this as I am having a debate with a close friend about this.Under what circumstances is sending your child away ever the 'right' thing?I am genuinely interested in the real reasons(and am prepared to be persuaded i am wrong) people do as I have always been of the view that it is cruel and unnecessary but a v close friend is about to do this and I am shocked.This is not a public v state school debate purely boarding.

"This is not a public v state school debate purely boarding."

The state system also has boarding schools.

I do watch my son grow into an interesting and fun person to be with. He is with us every weekend, half-term and holidays. It wasn't doing him any good leaving home at 7am and getting back at 5:30. I saw him for about 30 minutes over dinner and he was always tired.

It helps family relationship if it is weekly boarding and the school is within an hours drive/train. Also I prefer a co-ed environment being a more natural one.

Sons school has mixed boarding houses, but girls/boys floors are strictly out of bounds to the opposite sex. All common rooms are co-ed. Since at home he only has a brother this is another plus

My DH went to boarding school from 7 to 18 and loved it!!!

His father was in the forces overseas and sent his older siblings there. He was in UK when my DH was young but sent him so that he would have an education as good as his older siblings.

My Dh was much younger than his siblings (they left home when he was born) and if he had not gone to boarding school would have been living as an only child with older and quite oldfashioned parents....might have been a lonely existance.

i think its sad they sent him away at 7..far too young..however I can see that from 11 or 13 it probably was a good idea..his boarding school from 13 was quite small and he had a fantastic time there.

My father also went to boarding school..he hasn't really complained about it either.

I think boarding is ok if both parents think it is the right thing and the child is really keen to board..but for a sensitive child it might be completely the wrong thing. I wouldn't be that keen on sending my children to board purely because I would miss them too much.

I went to boarding school at 11, as did my sister and brother. My parents sent us because they were expats and had been told by other people that we needed to be educated in the UK - that the local schools in the countries we lived in weren't 'the ticket'. My parents were overly influenced by this as neither of them had had formal schooling past 14 - they didn't want us to go, especially my mum, but they thought they were doing right by us.

Personally I think all three of us were damaged by the experience although I personally don't remember being particularly miserable at the time. What I do remember were the night time panic attacks I had in the first week or two of each term. I never told anyone about them - I'd just lie in bed and shake. I didn't have the language to put it into words. I also remember the lack of touching and love - nobody EVER put their arms around me or kissed me, and I'd come from a very loving, tactile family. I was 11 and I'd literally go months without being hugged and kissed.

The adults at our boarding school weren't horrible, they just weren't emotionally engaged with us like parents are. So we just ploughed on alone.

I became very angry and promiscuous as a teenager. I remember thinking that I had a right to do whatever I wanted with my body as I'd been left to shift for myself for so long..... and I was longing for affection. My sister was badly bullied in her first year and to be honest I don't think she's ever got over it. She has terribly low self-esteem and it's affected her relationships all through her life. I also suspect my brother was abused in some way by a housemaster who he had a very close relationship with.

Maybe things are different now but when I was at boarding school in the 1980's underage sex, drug taking, drinking and stealing were rife. The school was full of rich kids from dysfunctional families - and the housemasters/mistresses were an odd bunch. As I said, not all nasty, but just not very engaged. We all felt that we could do what the heck we wanted as long as we didn't get caught.

I appreciate that some people like it but for me and for many others I think going to boarding school is the nearest thing to being placed in care - it amounts to emotional abandonment. I would NEVER send my own children away.

Myself and my three siblings all went to day schools, but both my parents were boarders.

My mother was the oldest of 7 children and boarded at a convent from age 11-18, then went straight to university. She wasn't particularly close to her parents as, when she did go home in the holidays, they were pre-occupied with younger siblings.

I don't think she has any particular regrets, but I think it has impacted on me and my siblings because I think the fact that she didn't have a close relationship with her parents has meant that as a parent she was and still is quite distant. She is a lovely person and in a crisis would be there for me, but she would never really seek to spend much time with me, never ring me up just for a chat or want to go shopping or anything like that. When I see the relationship friends have with their parents I do feel sad that we don't have that.

When I was growing up the normal in our house was for all of us to be alone in our own rooms getting on with our own things. My DH finds that totally bizarre as his family basically spent all their time in their communal rooms.

So I tend to think that boarding school probably does engender self sufficiency and independence but I would question how much of that I would really want for my own children. I love spending time with my DSs (12, 11) and DD (6) and can't really imagine why I would want to distance myself from them (although they might be keen to get away from me of course!).

My name is Raeann, I am visually impaired. I attended the Indiana School for the Blind, a day and residential school, for blind and visually impaired children, ages three to nineteen years old, in Indianapolis, Indiana.

When I was four years old, I began attending the school. The local public school, lacked the facilities for me to attend there school, they did not have the adaptive technology that I needed to succeed in the classroom, an aide or a vision teacher, so my parents enrolled me in the blind school. The school considered me a residential student, during the week I stayed at school. A bus would take me to school on Sunday and not bring me home until Friday. My dormitory had eight other girls. Weekends, Christmas, spring, and summer vacations, were the only times I went home. The school was like my home away from home, the people in my dorm were like my family. On the weekends I had a nice visit with my family. Summer vacation was like a breathe of fresh air, three whole months with my family at home. The only time I remember going home during the week is when I was seven years old. My dad was taking classes, he would pick me up after school, take me home over night, bring me back early the next morning. Being able to go home during the week to see my family was like a rainbow. It only lasted a few weeks before it had to end, I was so tired at school that I started falling a sleep in class.

My school was a five day boarding school, where the whole school closed on the weekends and everyone went home. My family lived an hour and a half from the school. My best friends Jessica and Lisa, lived at the other end of the state, had to ride the bus for five hours twice a week, just to attend school.

Why does everyone think you pack your kids off to boarding school and never see them again until Easter, Summer or Christmas?! Even the most intelligent friends of mine think this and refuse to believe anything dfferent.

I see my kids every Wednesday and then at the weekends - if they want to come out - and they are currently on a 10 week Summer holiday. In fact I worked out that hour for hour I see them more than I would if they were at state school and the time we spent is great as there is no homework/school-run/work-life balance stress. We live in London but my kids get to climb trees, build dens, and cook on a camp fire everyday and they lve in a computer/tv free environment. They are blissfully happy and having the type of Famous Five childhood that I had but is sadly gone in todays paranoid and consumer society.

Old thread, but greetings to Raebabe: are you a parent or just happy to share your experiences? Your story made me think of David Blunkett (blind, previously touted as possible future prime minister in Britain). Blunkett was also sent to boarding school early and missed his family terribly, I don't think he would recommend it!!

Your DC experiences sound great, missmem.

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
On the morning that I returned to school for the start of the new school year, my mom would go down the checklist provided by the school to make sure that I had all of the toiletries that I would need at school. I had really long hair, shampoo and conditioner were the items that my mom replaced the most for me. Then she made sure that all of my clothes were washed for the week at school. Now that my mom had all of my toiletries and clothes together and organized, the next step was for her to start packing my suitcase for school. While my mom was packing my suitcase, I was finding my stuffed animal and favorite soft blanket to take to school with me. The blanket and stuffed animal were a reminder of home for me at school. After my suitcase was packed, I placed everything by the door in a pile until it was time to leave for school. The remainder of the time was spent playing games with my sisters. In the afternoon, when my mom said it was time to leave for school, I would say good bye to my sisters, my mom would put my suitcase in the car, then we would pull out of the driveway to start the hour and a half drive to school.

When we arrived at school, my mom would park the car in front of the administration building, when we went inside I would have to wait in a long line to make sure I was in the correct grade and dorm. Then we would get back in the car and drive to my dorm. My mom would meet my dorm parent. I would be shown which bed and closet were mine, my mom would help me unpack my suitcase, put my things away in my closet and make my bed for me. We would say good bye in the entry way to the dorm, then she would leave the school to go back home.

I never really had a chance to be sad when my mom left, there was to much for me to do in the dorm, I immediately found my friends to haar stories of there summer. After all of the parents had left, our dorm parent made us dinner. After dinner, we continued to tell each other about our summer vacation, until it was time to go to the back to school dance. The dorm parent would take us to the gym for the dance, the music was so loud that you could hear it as soon as you left the dorm. The center of the gym was the dance floor. Tables and chairs were placed around the edge of the gym, if you wanted to talk or for when you got tired of dancing. A corner of the room had tables piled full of snack foods, cookies, chips, pops and candy bars. I danced most of the time we were there, I only stopped when I went to get a candy bar and drink of punch from the snack table. The music was so loud that you could not talk to the person next to you without shouting at them. I was sad when we had to head back to our dorms. My legs were so wobly and tired, that I could hardly walk. When I got back to the dorm, I took a shower and went straight to bed. I felt good to be back at school with all of my friends.

This is interesting for me. We live outside the UK, and IMHO the education here is not that great. DS (just about to go into yr 9. However he left here on JUly 3rd and is not back until September 3rd. He went via LHR to Oslo then onto to scout camp, came back via LHR, was picked up by DH and taken to his grandparents (he sees them once a year, less than when we lived in the UK but they did live 300 m iles from us) After 7 days he flew by himself to Leeds, and is staying with my mother. He has the opportunity here to get out an about which isnt possible here. he has a bus pass and a bike to go to the library, leisure centre and cinema etc. Ina week or so he goes back to his grandparents, for 10 days. They are too old to have him for longer (80 and 83 yrs old) but adore him. He is the only grandchild on either side.

Then he goes back to Leed and will eventually fly back to us. He is independent and capable of self management, as are most children given the opportunity IMHO.

He is not particularly academic always bottom of the top third, academic and sporting. He works to the bar, and if the bar isnt high enough, he doesnt work that hard. He knows that and so do I. He left a private school to come here and fully understands the education here is not so rigourous.

What do I do? I miss him so much BUT he is going to leave me sooner or later, he texts me 20/30/40 times a day and we speak at least once. He is happy, I am less so although I am so proud of him for his independence and manners and general organisisational capacity.

In his and my HO boarding school would be brilliant for him. His friends and my mum would by 40 mins away. His grandparents would take a coach trip and stay ina B&B and see more of him then they do now. Only people not totally happy would be me and DH as we do miss him.

However its all ireleveant as we cant afford it. The cost isnt only the fees but all the airfares back and forth for either him or us, so basically I am compromising my sons future because we cant afford it. Thats a seperate conversation from here but yes I would send my son because in his and my opinion it would be better for him.

Look at the boarding school survivors association web site. Many people who boarded and I know a lot, devlope a hard carapace or shell over their emotions. Those they love sent them away. They had to hide how they felt. They believe people who love you send you away so that it's dangerous to display that love. They find long term emotional attachments in later life very hard.

Also bear in mind that most boarding schools get worse exam results than the best day schools. I don't think there we really could have bettered say North London Collegiate, Habs, merchant taylors schools for our older children in the boarding system. Move to a city with a good day private school, put yourself second and your child first and don't let them board. Also you can protect them more at home if things are bad at school in teenage years. They have a haven to escape to from peer pressure.

Even the weekly boarders are not always let out that much - you might watch them play sport on Saturday but you might not be present in the sense of the number of hours you need with a teenager in order to interact with them, see them at their best and worst. Instead you have a fake kind of remote relationship where you just see them coping because above al they have to put on this face thing that says I am coping. I spoke to loads of boarding school boys at one school and always asked them at the christmas dinner I used to go if they would send their children. It was by no means universal that they would and they talked about coping with it, surviving it, it making them a better person. That is the language of havingin effect been abused. If teh result is they aer more likely to take drugs, smoke and get worse exam results it is clear what to do.

The vast majority of DS's classmates will go on to board - a lot at prep school (7, or possibly 9) and the rest from 11 or 13. When gently questioned as to why, most parents say because they boarded and they are 'fine'. For some who live (for example) on very remote farms I can see the logic as there is no way they can move close to a school and senior school options are limited (but fine IMHO). The other valid argument I can see is for forces families who want to give their DC a stable education rather than moving them every 2 years.

I was given the option and didn't want to (and didn't) board. Elder DB did board, younger DB made the same decision as me.

I do understand that it works for some children. I would never say "never" but my gut feel is that DS, at least, is a homebody like me and would not enjoy it. DD is not old enough to judge yet.

starmummy it may be more affordable than you think!
Both DS1 and DD1 went to a fantastic private school in the UK before we moved to the Middle East. DD didn't settle well and after 2 years we moved her back to the UK to a really good boarding school which is state aided. Fees are just under £4k a term which is pretty good when you consider it is full boarding. It was a bit of a juggling act getting things sorted at first but now for school hols if I'm not in the UK she flies out for visits and quite a lot of the other overseas students do the same. Don't worry about not having local family as there are quite a few companies around that offer a guardian service and will collect from school, take to airport etc.
The school DD attends is quite close to LGW so your DS could easily get taken there and get the evening flight to where you are (I know where you are from living overseas threads, don't worry, I'm not stalking you! )

My DD is just going into year 9 so would be in the same year.

DS1 has just returned to UK after his GCSEs in ME and is going to a more expensive boarding school but the one DD goes to is perfect for her.

Well worth a look. Let me know if you'd like some more details