Boarding school

[noddyholder]

I know this will descend into a big barney but I am asking this as I am having a debate with a close friend about this.Under what circumstances is sending your child away ever the 'right' thing?I am genuinely interested in the real reasons(and am prepared to be persuaded i am wrong) people do as I have always been of the view that it is cruel and unnecessary but a v close friend is about to do this and I am shocked.This is not a public v state school debate purely boarding.

Hi Noddy

As I have always said on threads like this, the opinions that really give the best viewpoint are those of mums whose children currently attend boarding school.
I went to boarding school and my ds goes now. Our experiences are totally different. Don't get me wrong, my time at boarding school was valuable, but compared to ds' time, boring!

DS asked to go when he started Year 7. It was always an option for him, but we left it up to him to decide. He has activities every evening and at the weekends too (when he choses to stay there) He shares a room with his best mate and gets to socialise with children aged 9 - 18 from all over the world.

I do miss him, but not a huge amount this is probably because I know he is happy, entertained and settled. DS has his mobile phone, but we rarely get a call from him; we can go the entire week without hearing from him.

He is a completely disorganised soul, but is managing to get (the majority) of his homework done and a 6th form boy has buddied up with him to make sure he does his cornet practice. His progress has been excellent, and I was convinced that he wouldn't manage without me... so TBH being away from me has probably helped

Listen to the parents whose children currently board... (both good and bad stories) that will give you a more rounded and up-to-date idea of the system as it currently stands.

I wished I'd boarded
I was a day pupil at a boarding school
I got up at 6am everyday to catch a 6.30am bus to trsvel an hour and didn't get home until 7.30pm so I just had soup and went to bed
I also had to do this on saturdays
It would have made my life easier and my mum's (she had to drive me to the bus everyday and pick me up from the bus stop) if we could have afforded me to be a weekly boarder
Not much parenting went on in the week except nagging me to get up in the morning and saying goodnight!

Unfortunately I can't afford to send dd to boarding school, but if I could, I would. She was away on a residential school trip recently and it was so nice at home without her. It doesn't go without saying that all parents want to be around their kids all the time or vice versa.

I can't believe you don't miss him much .I truly believe that he doesn't need a 6th former at this stage of the game but his parents.Obviously it is fun to share a room with his best friend etc but that has no bearing on adult life skills.I know my friend is planning it regardless but i am just looking for some alternative views for her.Education isn't all about schoolAlthough as he asked to go i can see the differnece but my ds could ask forever and it would be no

my ds came back yesterday after a week camping with friends and we really found the house dead without him and he missed us like mad too and wanted to just chill with us and sleep in his own bed again.Horses for courses though

if ds 1 boarded he wouldn't miss us but that does not make it right

Noddy

I was trying to give you and honest and helpful viewpoint... you did not want this to end up as an argument but you are being rather damning in your comments towards me.

Come and meet my happy, well-rounded son who has a great life at school and home and then decide. Come and meet my family who are as cohesive now as we ever were. Talk to DS' friends and teachers...

Or ask the mumsnetters who know me and my family.

Then judge

If you're in the forces, for instance, and moving around a lot, then I imagine boarding school is often going to be a good way of offering some stability to your children. I have friends who move around for business reasons and their children are at boarding school for this reason. It gives them stability of education and a chance to hang on to their friends.
Another example would be families who live on remote islands; if they want their children to go to school at all, then boarding is probably the only alternative.
It's like an awful lot of MN threads; you need to recognise that different families have different circumstances and that caring families do their best according to those circumstances.

No not dam,ning at all nell sorry just shocked at the admissions of not missing and foofis that she preferred the house without her dd.How would you feel if that was said about you?My friend plans on sending her dc regardless and she is a great mum

I don't deny i am judging though Life is one big judge esp on MN otherwise debate would cease

But Noddy, that's the point - not everyone thinks and feels like you do. Just because you would miss your child, doesn't mean everyone is like that.

I accept it but can still be shocked that you wouldn't miss your own child.Childen sense these things

I think you need to let your friend make her own mind up, thousands of children go to boarding school every year and love it. Don't be so quick to judge it just because you couldn't possibly be parted from your little babies.

I boarded from 14 as my parents where abroad, and went to the same all girl's school most of my female relatives had also been to, it seemed like a natural progression. I missed my parents like crazy but would have hated to be a day girl, they diefinately missed out on the best parts of the week, all the fun happened in the evenings after school!

It is the done thing to do in some circles, but it's not always necesarily a bad thing and is not a reflection of how much or how little the parents love or care for their children.

What do you mean by 'miss' anyway?

My parents missed me like mad (I requested boarding) but I'll be honest I didn't miss them and they're lovely people. I just had the time of my life - better than uni actually.

patronising tone omdb i don't regard my 14 yr old ds as a little baby Will leave this thread now my friend actually asked me to post

Yes, my tone is, because you are being judgemental and making ridiculously sweeping statements about something you know little of.

You said in your OP that you have 'always been of the view that it is cruel and unnecessary', well, if my parents hadn't sent me to baording school I wouldn't have any GCSEs or A-levels. So it was necessary, and most certainly wasn't cruel.

how on earth do you know?I was a day girl admittedly but my dp and his sister went so not completely ignorant of it.

We are keeping the options for boarding at 13 and 16 open for the dcs. We don't have to put names down for another year or two, and I'm happy to lose registration fees. No intention of shipping either of them off automatically - it will be down to choosing the best fit for each child.

Both dh and I attended schools which had boarding houses, and we both ended up spending so much time at school on music and drama respectively that boarding would have been a relief at times. School was an incredibly positive experience for both of us, and we both have had teachers who have had a significant and life-changing effect on our lives. If anything we have spent more time in adult life processing "issues" with our parents (and we both have relatively normal, still happily-married parents) rather than anything associated with school.

Out of interest Noddyholder, have you gone and looked round any boarding schools recently? I'm fairly sure that there are many that I wouldn't touch with a barge-pole in the same way that there are a lot of secondary schools that I would avoid at any cost. But by considering boarding schools we considerably increase the number of schools to which we might sent the dcs, and thereby probably increase our chance of finding a "best fit" for each of them. I see it simply as an extension of the private v state issue in one sense - by including within our options all of the available private schools we are increasing our chances of getting a school which is a good fit for us all: but it doesn't mean that that private option is automaticaly better.

I suspect that our willingness to consider boarding is primarily driven by our own very positive experiences of school, and I would love my children to have siilar experiences. I certainly don't view boarding as "cruel and unnecessary", but I'm sure that for some chidren and parents it would definitely be the wrong choice.

No I haven't and this post was for a friend who is considering it and has absolutely no experience of it.I think she should do that although I am still of the opinion she is amd to consider it for a child who is saying no

Well, to what extent exactly has she considered it? The reputable schools won't let you register until you have been shown round. Is this just a case of her dp putting in his 2p-worth and sharing his experiences rather than it being a done deal?

Her dp went to a well known school and I think she is enamoured of the whole thing and wants it for hers.Surprisingly her dp hated it!but she is still keen I think she is about to start looking at them seriously I think I will keep out of it tbh as I have very fixed views on this adn so nit the person to advise her really.I'll print this out for her and leave it at that x

OverMyDeadBody on Sun 01-Jun-08 09:54:48
"I think you need to let your friend make her own mind up, thousands of children go to boarding school every year and love it. Don't be so quick to judge it just because you couldn't possibly be parted from your little babies."

Have to say, it's not because she's my little baby that I am really glad that dd is living at home. More because she is growing into a really interesting person to talk to, she is great fun to be with and I enjoy it when she brings her friends home. Selfish perhaps- except I have a sneaking suspicion that she rather enjoys my company too.

Still, it's bound to be the case that different options suit different families.

now cory why couldn't i have said that rather than losing my rag a bit .I also love watching ds change and grow into a thoroughly interesting and fun person.

it's a debate which rears its head in our house from time to time

dh went to boarding school in Australia from 11-18 - his parents were in the middle of an unpleasant and protracted break-up and lived in the middle of rural NSW - local school only went up to 16 and was aimed at training good farm labourers rather than well-rounded education

he loved it - it got him away from a less than ideal home environment and gave him a standard of education he couldn't possibly have had if he'd stayed at home - however he has virtually no relationship with his father now and a deeply disfunctional one with his mother - although I doubt it would have been any better if he hadn't boarded

dh thinks that boarding would be very good for ds1 who needs a lot of structure ( he has Tourette's and Asperger's) and also spends vast amount of time at swimming training - there are a few boarding schools which specialise in sports becasue having everything on site makes it much easier to combine school and training

however, I think that although ds loves being at school (currently independent day school) he needs downtime when he can relax completely so am against the idea although when I'm juggling getting ds to training sessions together with the other dcs' needs the idea is occasionally tempting just from a logistical standpoint!