Boarding school

[noddyholder]

I know this will descend into a big barney but I am asking this as I am having a debate with a close friend about this.Under what circumstances is sending your child away ever the 'right' thing?I am genuinely interested in the real reasons(and am prepared to be persuaded i am wrong) people do as I have always been of the view that it is cruel and unnecessary but a v close friend is about to do this and I am shocked.This is not a public v state school debate purely boarding.

I have freinds who loved it. I have friends who hated it.

As with all choices regarding kids and schools, it very much depends on the child and on the school.

I'm going to offer mine the choice of boarding during the sixth form as a transitional step to leaving home.

I boarded and liked it but many people hated it. Drugs rife too.

Drugs rife at all schools IMO. Especially london independent day schools!

Boarding can be offered to kids as a choice or the suggestion can come from the child themselves. But under no circumstances would I ever send a child who wasn't totally enthusiastic and never under the age of 11.

I wouldn't be able to afford to send mine to boarding school even if I/they wanted to go so they are stuck with me.

I watched a programme the other night about cheltenham ladies college and the boarders looked like they had a great time whereas the one girl they featured as a day pupil found it harder because she missed out on the bonding/friendships formed in the school houses.

I went to boarding school because my family were expats living in the middle east, and education for girls stopped at 11 then. All the families there sent their children back to school in the UK.

We are currently looking at local schools for DD1 as the senior schools in our area are so shockingly bad. We plan to make use of the Forces education allowance but a condition is that they have to board for 3 terms, then can go as day pupils. The schools we are considering are only a few miles up the road so we can see her once or twice in the week, and have her home at weekends. I will miss her terribly but can see no other way for her to get the education she needs and deserves.

Three of mine board - have just dragged ds1 from Messenger to give you his view, whatever it is

Ed.....
At boarding school, away from your parents and and civilised lifestyle at home, you find a sense of reality, and it is fun!
It prepares you for uni and for future life...those coming from day schools will have a much bigger shock in 5 years time than me.
We have much more freedom than you think....to roam,be with friends etc.
Relationship with the rents isnt affected AT ALL....still ups and downs like in any parent son relationship.....but I still look forward to coming home for a few days every couple of weeks during the terms, before returning to my mates at school!
And If you dont think i spend enough time with my parents...I spend the holidays at home, (which is when I want to hang with my family!) which amounts for about half the year, So if you cant let your children go for about 5 months total at school, then you might be too protective over them, its gunna rub off badly on them in the long run I think

...

Back to Sal - well, that's just his view, but they ARE happy - can see a few at my dc's schools that aren't, but their problems are more often than not due to too much money/total neglect, which is not the problem with boarding schools but the problem with dysfunctional families and people who don't love their kids enough. Am now going to leave this thread before it becomes yet another scrap

I think it depend on the age and exact circumstances of the boarding.
I went when I was 7 - under NO citcumstances would I send either of my boys to board even on a weekly basis.
I think it is different in the modern scheme of boarding schools. The school I attended you were either a full time boarder or a day girl no compromise.
I think at senior school level for a child to spend 2-3 nights a week away isn't impossible to consider.

But NEVER full time.

I can never quite see the point in the 'it prepares you for life and uni' argument That makes no odds to me plenty of people at uni and coping well in the real world without having been sent away to do it.

Noddy - fair point and one I agree with, but ds was expressing his (teenage) view: but I think his main point was that he likes his life atm.

I would send a child of mine to a specialist boarding school once they reached a certain age if they wanted to.

I would seriously consider this option for dd in the future though we are just about in commutable distance of two such specialist schools.

I know some lovely children who are boarders at the school I work at. They are lovely children and the reason that they board is that there are very schools schools in country who cater for profoundly deaf children, who have learning difficulties and whose first langauge is BSL.

Admitally they are weekly boarders, because their parents live a long way away. They have been sent to particular school to meet their needs.

Prehaps the problems come when parents should to send their children to boarding school for trival reasons.

As others I think it depends entirely on child and school and situation.

My brothers went to boarding school as my dad did, they HATED IT. They have no friends from such a pivotal time in their lives, they have friends from outside of school though.

DH went from 9 and was miserable, he then was a day boy for a time and boarded again in 6th form, AGAIN he is against boarding school - in fact Private school full stop.

I went to a local comp and then begged to go to boarding school at 16, I did and I was so miserable I begged to leave again!!!!

For my kids we are lucky in that we don't hve a complex home life where a boarding school may be an option, and for DD1 it ceratinaly isn't. She would hate it. I am working on DH to send her to a day school locally as I feel she would benefit from some additional private education. DD2 loves school and woudl be the kind of child that would excel and love boparding school. HOwever I wouldn't wnt her to go as there is an excellent grammer school which I am hopeful shewill get into. If not I would consider it for her so she gets the best possible eductaion and is streched to her ability

I know lots of service families who have no choice but to send their children because they are moved around from country to country. I wouldn't describe them as in any way cruel. My husband went to a well-known public school and is a loving father to our children and partner to me. I can't see he's been 'crippled'.

We have no need to send our children to boarding school but my son may flexi-board in his teens.

It would have had to be a very remarkable boarding school indeed to have provided me with a more educationally stimulating environment than living with my parents- even though I did attend a bog standard comp. I am also grateful for my very close relationship with my brothers and for all our shared memories.

I think boarding schools are very useful for expats and dysfunctional families, but certainly not something we would consider, if we ever had the money. We enjoy dc's company too much and I think they enjoy ours. And I do believe there are quite a few things we can teach them, that maybe a school couldn't.

I did spend a brief time at a (v good) English boarding school, certainly a positive experience as far as it could be. The things that stuck in my mind as odd and not something that I would want for my own children were:

very little experience of everyday household tasks- that was done by cleaners

very little physical freedom- even as 15-yos we could only leave the school three afternoons a week and then you had to go with another girl and tell the teacher in charge where you were going (this may well have changed since)

obviously none of the daily discussions of budget and shopping that were part of family life at home (v useful experience for uni)

all the girls were from (fairly) well off families- my local comp had a much wider social mix

some of the girls felt under a lot of pressure to do well because their parents were paying

some girls were tortured by the feeling that maybe their parents could do perfectly well without them

eating disorders went undetected for a worryingly long time

The sort of schools I am talking about are specialist music/dance schools which do tend to have a wider mix of backsgrounds as fees are usually based on talent and parental income on a sliding scale.

Other than that I would want my children at home.

We are a forces family. My dh boarded from 9, my db boarded from 11 and I boarded at 6th form. My 13 year old nephew boards (db also forces) as will the 10 year old when he gets to senior school age. DS doesn't board as the MOD picks up the day fees in Brussels, otherwise I couldn't have moved here to be with dh.

If the concession on day fees here were to be withdrawn, then ds would have to board either at a British Forces school in Germany, or back in the UK.

My dh changes appointments roughly every 18 months to 2 years, so it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see what that does to continuity of education, especially as you sometimes don't know where you are going to be sent until approx 6 months before you move, and sometimes you are given less notice than that. You may only know the area you are going to and have no idea about where you are going to live, or the schools available until 2-3 months before the move. I know one Army family who are due to go back to UK in August, having been posted out of UK since 1997, and they still haven't been allocated a married quarter. This will be their 14th move in 17 years...not good for options and GCSEs really!

The alternative is to weekend, and after 4 years on the trot it can get wearing. Sometimes it's a choice between your marriage (being able to move and be with your dh), or your children going to boarding school.

Having said that, if we were still in the UK, and being a Navy family, we have our own house, and I have til now not moved; I would have considered boarding school v seriously for ds, as he is an only, and being with the other kids would be good for him.

Like other people I know of families where the mum has died young, dad is in the RN, and the kids have had to board as the dad has had to go back to sea. My godson went to board as there was good provision for his particular SEN, and my god daughter went to the same school.

It depends on the child, mine doesn't want to board, and I'm not going to force the issue, but there may come a time when I consider it to be the best thing for him, and he will go.

I'd be interested from an earlier post whether forces families are counted as serial expats or dysfunctional - both labels which I find offensive, as we are families posted around the UK and abroad who are trying to do the best for our kids.

thanks for all these replies really helpful.I still think when you have children they come first and there is nothing that a boarding school can give them that is better than staying at home and having a family life.My dp went too and hated it the whole time he says he knew his parents had got rid of him to accomodate their lifestyle which is not on imho.

I think lazymum's first post is a great one
It quashes the argument of sending the kids for weeks away if they go for the wek and come home at the weekend
It can save a huge chunk of the day travelling wise

'what sort of parents can bear to be parted from their children for the bulk of thir young lives though? '

coming home at the weekends isn't not seeing them for the bulk of their lives is what I mean

My parents sent us because that was what people like them did. I don't think they thought there was an alternative.

I teach at a school with boarders and day boys (just one subject one day a week) and I couldn't tell you who boarded and who didn't. I think they are mostly farmer's sons who would have to travel for hours each day to get to a "local" school.

I asked a now grown man about what he thought he had gained from boarding school (specialist choral thing) and he said he was very capapble of looking after himself. When I pointed out that he spent years never cooking, washing up or washing his clothes and more importantly never seeing these be done he conceded that maybe he did miss out on a few life skills!

I boarded and loved it. Didn't go until senior school and it gave me enormous independence and confidence that has stood me in great stead.

Have to say my parents pay the price though as it definitely made me more self reliant and distant from them.

Independence is a ridiculous argument

you don't need to learn how to be independent at 13 - you start to make your own decisions as a teenager and eventually it comes with leaving home as an adult.

BTW I boarded at age 6 for 3 years apparently, loved it

My children will not be boarding, I was bullied for my first year and utterly miserable, at least at a day school you can get away from it.

BTW I boarded at age 6 for 3 years, apparently loved it

I think that is the right punctuation