State or Private - SEN

[MumTeach88]

I am trying to decide between state and private school for my son (starting Sept 26). He has suspected ADHD and a slight speech delay. He is bright but finds big crowds more challenging and goes into 'fight' (fight, flight, freeze) when scared. He is doing really well and his main focus is on emotional regulation. We are not 'minted' but we can make private work if we need to by cutting back on other things.
I am in Surrey (just to add as the rep of our SEN through county is shocking). Anyone experienced both settings? Thoughts? Thanks

I moved my son to private in year 9, he just wasn’t coping socially in state, I don’t think COVID helped, he made lots of progress with a private tutor in year 5 & 6, but secondary expectations of him were very low, he had dyslexia and adhd. My eldest has dyslexia and a speech issue - no formal dx but was referred to SALT for a stammer and becomes mute when she’s stressed, can come across as rude but it’s a processing delay. She thrived in state, she had great teachers, she made good friends, she was competitive and really would have hated DS school as it’s so small.

I don’t think teaching is any better in private, so to some extent it’s luck wherever you are, but smaller classes has definitely helped DS. Although the 1:1 tutoring he had was definitely the biggest impact, he went from having a complete meltdown when asked to write anything to being able to write without getting stressed. We were incredibly lucky to have her support.

I would start in state to see how that goes. Then move to private if necessary.

State. Most (not all, but most) private schools don't want kids with SEN and the ones that do (ie independent specialist schools) tend to be very expensive and/or only open to those with an EHCP.

Use the money to pay for independent assessments, reports, legal advice to help you get a decent EHCP, therapies etc.

I'd start with state, and keep an open mind to switching to private, if it doesn't work out.

This hasn't been our experience, though it probably depends on the severity of SEN and the school.

I spoke to the sendco at my daughter's independent school before applying, to check they could cope with her sen and we weren't wasting time applying. She's doing really well there - they support both the things she excels in and the things she needs extra support in, valuing her as an individual. It is noticeable that they don't have children with very significant sen, like the ones who are waiting for a special school place or are required to show that they can't cope in mainstream for months before getting a suitable school place.

We have noticed in my older daughter's independent secondary school that the children with sen have generally been to the attached prep. So it may be easier to get into an independent secondary through by going into their prep. But that probably also depends on how competitive the secondary entry is.

"It is noticeable that they don't have children with very significant sen, like the ones who are waiting for a special school place or are required to show that they can't cope in mainstream for months before getting a suitable school place."

@Sausagescanfly exactly.

They were interviewing you and your DD as much as you were interviewing them, before you applied! Had your DD's needs been the sort that might be inconvenient or disruptive, they wouldn't have wanted her.

I'm really glad your DD is doing well in the school but my point still stands - most independent schools do not want most children with SEN (tbf a lot of state school don't want them either, but they don't have the same luxury of being able to cherry pick pupils to the extent independent schools can!).

Pick the right school, regardless of state or private.

Both have good and bad.

Also check out the type of funding the setting may attract.

Our LA has different amounts based on the type of setting, resource base or other. Two children with exactly the same needs can attract different amounts based on the agreements some LAs have.

Hi OP, some good points have been made here already. Does your son have an EHCP or is it likely that he could get one/an application would be made for one in the near future? (I’m just wondering re his level of need.)

What is it you would want from an independent school that you think can be provided better for your child there than in a state school? How much support do you think your son would need in either setting, and in what ways would one setting be better than the other? Does the private school you’re considering have a strong reputation for supporting children with SEN, and do you know if those children’s profiles are similar to your son’s?

My DS1 started off in state with an EHCP and full time 1:1 support, but for various reasons that particular school couldn’t keep him safe. No other state primaries were able to meet his needs. He went to a mainstream private school for 3 years until his needs were such that the LA placed him in an independent special school. I suspect our case is very unusual though. One very specific private mainstream worked well for him because he needed to be down a year, in very small quiet classes, with a brilliant SEN department, with a 1:1 assistant who was able to be just with him at all times and not shared by the rest of the class. A couple of other SEN pupils with EHCPs stayed there from pre-prep and have progressed through the whole senior school. However there were two other pupils there at our time who were asked to leave because their behavioural needs “didn’t fit”. Being asked to leave due to the specific special needs that lead a family to choose a school in the first place, must be extremely difficult practically and also emotionally.

My only tip is to have a lot of meetings with the private school (and also the state school if possible) and be painstakingly honest about your child’s needs and how the school
thinks they can best meet them. We were very lucky that our private school was a haven for my son before he moved to a special school, but as I say, I think our situation was unusual.

Yes I would add our sons independent school is the only one locally that sees itself as inclusive and takes children with mild SEN needs there are a few kids there with EHCP and I think quite a few of his classmates have autism/dyslexia/ADHD, they will get rid of kids much more quickly than state school can if there’s a behaviour issue. There’s good and bad to this, obviously class disruption is minimal but for example ds was caught leaving site between end of school and prep and told if it happened again he’d be suspended, which seemed harsh, but does mean he takes rules seriously.

Dd is at private and the change in class sizes is the biggest wow factor for her - she spent primary at state and had a lot of issues with noisy boys running riot, tipping up tables and she was told she was sensitive rather than them actually amending the behaviour of the boys...

We are likely going to have to change back to state for 6th form and it really scares me. She is used to having a wide variety of friends, mostly also SEN who concentrate well in class, have a great work ethic and like to talk about politics and other niche interests. The kids she knows at state don't seem to be into the same things at all - all are into boys, wear crop tops and have nails and hair extensions. I'm sure it's a sweeping generalisation but I do really feel she has been allowed to be a kid that bit longer and had a really positive experience with a close group of friends from many different cultures. I don't think you'd regret private but do be aware of the VAT rises and plan ahead as it is quite heartbreaking having to leave it and be thrown back into the unknown.

Independent all the way. You can ask - honestly - about the provision for her and you’ll be given a straight answer - either they’ll want her or they won’t. My adhd son flourishes in his private setting because the micro-adjustments needed to help him to succeed are just there. He’s allowed time out when needed, fidget toys, time with a senco, he’s at the front of the class with broken down instructions. The teacher is given the time to understand his needs and meet them. None of these things were possible at his state school in a class of 30+

Is this starting reception in September 2026? Ie he’s currently 3?

I’m on the Hampshire/Surrey border (but in Hants), with three boys with sen, so aware of the reputation of Surrey LEA 🙄

in my experience private schools are not great at sen, particularly of the ADHD/ASD flavour unless they are particularly set up for those issues (for example More House in Frensham has a lot of ADHD/ASD boys. If, in the future your child needs an ehcp the private sector are unlikely to have a lot of experience in this.

in short, I’d go state at this point. If he starts to struggle there are measures the school can put in place but if he looks to needing an ehcp the school will imply it’s up to them to apply. It’s not, it’s for the parent to apply. In my experience schools like to put you off applying as long as possible. Don’t be put off.

I don't think that the majority of children with SEN have severe SEN. This is borne out by the figures - far more have SEN support than an EHCP (albeit some on SEN support are on the EHCP pathway, which can take years).

If you look at the data on children at independent schools, 17.6% have SEN support. I think you can ignore the data on EHCPs at independent schools as they are likely to be local authority funded special schools, but the ones with SEN support won't be at independent special schools as an LA would be unlikely to fund that.

https://explore-education-statistics.service.gov.uk/find-statistics/special-educational-needs-in-england/2024-25

Whilst some independent schools do screen their students for SEN, to pick up on cases that the state sector might miss, and therefore inflate their SEN figures by actually identifying children who have coasted or compensated for their SEN, they seem to do this with their actual pupils, rather than applicants.

We have a variety of independent schools in our area. One has a very strong reputation for supporting children with SEN - they state that they feel that they can support a pupil body with up to 25% having SEN. The one my daughter with SEN goes to has 10% children with SEN support.

You can see the stats for any school here:
https://get-information-schools.service.gov.uk/Search

You need to find the right private school, i.e. no exam mill.
Surrey as well, ADHD/ASD
We found our local state schools beyond hopeless with SENDs (at least for non-violent kids).We went private after a pretty horrible experience and have never looked back. worth every penny

Would you mind me messaging to ask where you are?

He will be starting reception

This is my wondering so this is helpful. His SEN is more impulsive and needing to learn emotional regulation more. He struggles in larger groups which is why I'm worried about mainstream. 30 vs 16 is a big difference

That's helpful to know - thank you

Thank you for taking the time to comment although the statement that no schools want my SEN child wasn't really what I was looking for when asking for support

Thanks to all for replying. If is helpful to know people's experiences. I think I will meet with the private school and see how it feels.

We moved my son to private for the start of secondary last year (after a horrendous state primary journey including four schools who didn't have a clue how to help him, and almost a year out of education entirely because he was so burnt out by everything.)

Moving him was absolutely the best thing we have ever done. He is a changed child. Confident, happy, thriving. I'll be honest, we did struggle to find a school to accept him, he has an EHCP which is quite a challenge, but we found one that did and honestly they could not be better for him. The most overwhelming thing for him has been that for the first time ever, he feels liked and respected by everyone. No one is exasperated with him when he's struggling. He's celebrated for every little achievement because he's truly treated as an individual, and for him a D in science is a wonderful step forward (as an example!) even though for someone else it might not be. If I had known back when he was 4 what I know now, I'd have sent him to private in a heartbeat.

The independent my DD is at is great for SEN. I’d say at least 50% of her class have some sort of ‘mild’ SEN, including my DD, and the school have been amazing and supportive.

However something to bear in mind is that they have a zero tolerance approach to children whose behaviour negatively impacts other children. One child in my DDs class was told they had to leave because of repeated mild, physical reactiveness (think shoving kids away, pulling hair). They’ve ended up as an awful state as all the good states are full.

So if by ‘fight’ you mean he can be physical I’m not sure if it’d work out.

That's helpful to know. He doesn't "fight" in the sense of an actual fight, more he will slap or push if he is dysregulated. This is already decreasing though as his speech is improving and I feel with somewhere that works around Zones of Regulation (or a similar programme) this will decrease further.

Just to add to my post above, what you haave described sounds so similar to my son at the same age. I honestly feel we could have saved so many years of heartache and mental health difficulties if we had moved him to the private sector sooner, I don't know why we didn't really!