Page 2 | State or Private - SEN

MumTeach88 · 2025-08-26T14:19:40+00:00

I am trying to decide between state and private school for my son (starting Sept 26). He has suspected ADHD and a slight speech delay. He is bright but finds big crowds more challenging and goes into 'fight' (fight, flight, freeze) when scared. He is doing really well and his main focus is on emotional regulation. We are not 'minted' but we can make private work if we need to by cutting back on other things. I am in Surrey (just to add as the rep of our SEN through county is shocking). Anyone experienced both settings? Thoughts? Thanks

Original poster

MumTeach88 · 26/08/2025 22:28

Bingbongsingalong · 26/08/2025 22:27

Just to add to my post above, what you haave described sounds so similar to my son at the same age. I honestly feel we could have saved so many years of heartache and mental health difficulties if we had moved him to the private sector sooner, I don't know why we didn't really!

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Thank you for that. Would be great to talk a Little more about your experience if you don't mind inboxing? No pressure at all though!

OP posts:

woolflower · 26/08/2025 22:29

Should have added, my DDs original primary school was state.

But she didn’t even make it to the first day. During her settling in sessions it became very apparent that they wouldn’t have been able to support her (or keep her safe) in a remotely satisfactory way. We got in touch with the Head of SEN, who basically said her hands were tied by funding.

Bingbongsingalong · 26/08/2025 22:32

MumTeach88 · 26/08/2025 22:28

Thank you for that. Would be great to talk a Little more about your experience if you don't mind inboxing? No pressure at all though!

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Absolutely! Feel free to message me 😊

woolflower · 26/08/2025 22:33

MumTeach88 · 26/08/2025 22:25

That's helpful to know. He doesn't "fight" in the sense of an actual fight, more he will slap or push if he is dysregulated. This is already decreasing though as his speech is improving and I feel with somewhere that works around Zones of Regulation (or a similar programme) this will decrease further.

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This is very similar to the boy in my DDs class.

If I was in your situation I’d consider looking around schools, then if you like one put your DS into the pre-school there (assuming there is one). That way they’ll have a bit of time to work with him and understand if they can support him prior to the start of Reception.

If they don’t think he’s a good fit for the school then they should tell you with plenty of notice for you can take up the state school place.

Original poster

MumTeach88 · 26/08/2025 22:35

woolflower · 26/08/2025 22:33

This is very similar to the boy in my DDs class.

If I was in your situation I’d consider looking around schools, then if you like one put your DS into the pre-school there (assuming there is one). That way they’ll have a bit of time to work with him and understand if they can support him prior to the start of Reception.

If they don’t think he’s a good fit for the school then they should tell you with plenty of notice for you can take up the state school place.

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Yes that's a good thought, thank you.

OP posts:

BreakingBroken · 26/08/2025 23:55

if he is young for his age and has challenges regulating his emotions, the private schools i'm familiar with (limited) allow children to repeat a year and be schooled out of cohort more readily.
my grandson's adhd presentation does best with LOTS of PE! which is more available in private settings (daily with specialist pe teacher).

Labraradabrador · 27/08/2025 02:24

MissHollysDolly · 26/08/2025 21:01

Independent all the way. You can ask - honestly - about the provision for her and you’ll be given a straight answer - either they’ll want her or they won’t. My adhd son flourishes in his private setting because the micro-adjustments needed to help him to succeed are just there. He’s allowed time out when needed, fidget toys, time with a senco, he’s at the front of the class with broken down instructions. The teacher is given the time to understand his needs and meet them. None of these things were possible at his state school in a class of 30+

Sums up my experience as well - private were willing and able to make small adjustments and offer earlier interventions that have really shifted the trajectory of DD’s school experience.

a mainstream private won’t be able or willing to cope with all send, but some are very open and proactive about supporting lower support need send. In state we found DD’s ASD meant that school was a struggle for her but because she was not sufficiently disruptive nor academically behind there was very little support available, and even minor adjustments were met with resistance from stretched staff. I was very worried based on what I saw from others in my local send network that she would be ignored until she broke.

Moving to an inclusive indie with a strong sendco department has been absolutely the best decision- she is happy, far less stressed, and when challenges arise I can count on school to take the lead in helping navigate in a sensitive, individualised manner.

Ineedthemalltobeasleep · 27/08/2025 03:07

If your really considering private id pick a school with an exceptional senco and also a flexible head who is understanding of Sen. Lots of mainstream indi like to think that they are inclusive but they are really not. As they just don’t understand the needs / want to understand the needs.

Without an EHCP / even with an EHCP in an indi MS if you need any additional help (1 to 1) etc then that cost is billed to you. Equally some MS indi do not like OT / Salt going into schools and taking away the child from the lesson / providing a room for the therapy (equally some indi MS) don’t have any spare rooms either.

Ypu are better protected in the state system. Indi MS with or without an EHCP they can actually off roll the child if they don’t fit into their jelly mould of the school. Or if sen is too great (loads of children were off rolled to dyslexia at my children’s schools).

Be very careful in the indi MS fine whilst they are tiny / young but the wheels are more likely to drop off in the senior school as more pressure is added. So I’d personally make sure if you start you have enough cash to keep going throughout the education. If cash is very tight you would be better to save it for senior school.

Loads of indi MS especially in surrey are merging too and are cash short so they will take on any children as they have the cash coming in. Not as much competition especially the younger years so you could always try state and quite easy to move to an indi MS if it doesn’t work out.

Also, do bear in mind they have longer hours, more demands regards homework / tests too.

Make sure you talk to the senco / try and find mums with sen children within the private schools / ask on Facebook they will be parents who will speak out about their experience ……

Have you found a school you like?

Labraradabrador · 27/08/2025 03:25

@Ineedthemalltobeasleep my experience has been very different to what you describe. While we have had to pay for some extra interventions (and school were very happy to have private SALT in and always able to provide a room), some of the best interventions were at no additional cost - that includes teacher led adjustments (our past couple of teachers have had deep send expertise and for the most part had adjustments in place before the SALT or EP could recommend them), individualised TA support, a dedicated sendco available 5 days a week (vs 1 day a week in the larger state primary), and 1:1 ELSA interventions.

yes school is longer hours, but less stressful and more down time and physical activity throughout the day so dd is in a much better place physically and emotionally at 4:30 than she was at 3pm. Our private also does less homework than state, and there is less focus on testing vs. SATs obsessed state.

Laladipsypo · 27/08/2025 04:18

GeniuneWorkOfFart · 26/08/2025 19:39

"It is noticeable that they don't have children with very significant sen, like the ones who are waiting for a special school place or are required to show that they can't cope in mainstream for months before getting a suitable school place."

@Sausagescanfly exactly.

They were interviewing you and your DD as much as you were interviewing them, before you applied! Had your DD's needs been the sort that might be inconvenient or disruptive, they wouldn't have wanted her.

I'm really glad your DD is doing well in the school but my point still stands - most independent schools do not want most children with SEN (tbf a lot of state school don't want them either, but they don't have the same luxury of being able to cherry pick pupils to the extent independent schools can!).

This is interesting, it is not the case around here ( nor far from OP ) My DC is attending a private secondary school

CP/ Autism / moderate speech delay \ complex medical needs including tubes.
academicsly able. Only school in the area who said yes out of all the LA maintained schools to.

Laladipsypo · 27/08/2025 04:18

GeniuneWorkOfFart · 26/08/2025 19:39

"It is noticeable that they don't have children with very significant sen, like the ones who are waiting for a special school place or are required to show that they can't cope in mainstream for months before getting a suitable school place."

@Sausagescanfly exactly.

They were interviewing you and your DD as much as you were interviewing them, before you applied! Had your DD's needs been the sort that might be inconvenient or disruptive, they wouldn't have wanted her.

I'm really glad your DD is doing well in the school but my point still stands - most independent schools do not want most children with SEN (tbf a lot of state school don't want them either, but they don't have the same luxury of being able to cherry pick pupils to the extent independent schools can!).

This is interesting, it is not the case around here ( nor far from OP ) My DC is attending a private secondary school

CP/ Autism / moderate speech delay \ complex medical needs including tubes.
academicsly able. Only school in the area who said yes out of all the LA maintained schools to.

Laladipsypo · 27/08/2025 04:19

Sorry no idea what happened with my previous post 🙈

Original poster

MumTeach88 · 27/08/2025 09:33

Ineedthemalltobeasleep · 27/08/2025 03:07

If your really considering private id pick a school with an exceptional senco and also a flexible head who is understanding of Sen. Lots of mainstream indi like to think that they are inclusive but they are really not. As they just don’t understand the needs / want to understand the needs.

Without an EHCP / even with an EHCP in an indi MS if you need any additional help (1 to 1) etc then that cost is billed to you. Equally some MS indi do not like OT / Salt going into schools and taking away the child from the lesson / providing a room for the therapy (equally some indi MS) don’t have any spare rooms either.

Ypu are better protected in the state system. Indi MS with or without an EHCP they can actually off roll the child if they don’t fit into their jelly mould of the school. Or if sen is too great (loads of children were off rolled to dyslexia at my children’s schools).

Be very careful in the indi MS fine whilst they are tiny / young but the wheels are more likely to drop off in the senior school as more pressure is added. So I’d personally make sure if you start you have enough cash to keep going throughout the education. If cash is very tight you would be better to save it for senior school.

Loads of indi MS especially in surrey are merging too and are cash short so they will take on any children as they have the cash coming in. Not as much competition especially the younger years so you could always try state and quite easy to move to an indi MS if it doesn’t work out.

Also, do bear in mind they have longer hours, more demands regards homework / tests too.

Make sure you talk to the senco / try and find mums with sen children within the private schools / ask on Facebook they will be parents who will speak out about their experience ……

Have you found a school you like?

Thanks that's all interesting to read. I'm shocked that your children's school has kicked out for dyslexia. Yes, have found one I liked (viewed a few and several are no). They seem to be supportive in their SEN and nurturing environment and have recently added an inclusion lead to their team, alongside their SENCo. I think it's very valid what you're saying about making sure its rhe right independent. I know several in Surrey that I wouldn't consider for SEN for sure.

OP posts:

Original poster

MumTeach88 · 27/08/2025 09:34

Labraradabrador · 27/08/2025 03:25

@Ineedthemalltobeasleep my experience has been very different to what you describe. While we have had to pay for some extra interventions (and school were very happy to have private SALT in and always able to provide a room), some of the best interventions were at no additional cost - that includes teacher led adjustments (our past couple of teachers have had deep send expertise and for the most part had adjustments in place before the SALT or EP could recommend them), individualised TA support, a dedicated sendco available 5 days a week (vs 1 day a week in the larger state primary), and 1:1 ELSA interventions.

yes school is longer hours, but less stressful and more down time and physical activity throughout the day so dd is in a much better place physically and emotionally at 4:30 than she was at 3pm. Our private also does less homework than state, and there is less focus on testing vs. SATs obsessed state.

That's really helpful to know, thank you!

OP posts:

TomeTome · 27/08/2025 09:37

Most private schools do have a larger number of pupils with low level sen. They squeeze them into “normal” and if that could work for your child then that’s a viable option. If it’s likely they might not cope with that or their needs are a bit higher the offering at state school is superior.

shaddupayouface · 27/08/2025 12:40

GeniuneWorkOfFart · 26/08/2025 18:48

State. Most (not all, but most) private schools don't want kids with SEN and the ones that do (ie independent specialist schools) tend to be very expensive and/or only open to those with an EHCP.

Use the money to pay for independent assessments, reports, legal advice to help you get a decent EHCP, therapies etc.

Yep, this happened to us when we were looking for a senior school my DS with ASD. Took our registration fee, told us at open events that they had any children with autism made him sit through an interview and then just said no. When I pressed the registrar for more info she was reluctant to tell me the truth but obviously felt sorry for me and told me it was because of his autism. The SENCO at our prep school told us that informing senior schools of any SEN would be a mark against our child! I didn’t believe her but she was right. We ended up going for a very small independent senior school which was totally unsuitable academically because DS is very bright but with hindsight I think we dodged a bullet as friends who have children at the school that turned us down are not that happy whereas my son has come on leaps and bounds.

6thformoptions · 27/08/2025 12:49

TomeTome · 27/08/2025 09:37

Most private schools do have a larger number of pupils with low level sen. They squeeze them into “normal” and if that could work for your child then that’s a viable option. If it’s likely they might not cope with that or their needs are a bit higher the offering at state school is superior.

Not sure this is strictly true - a lot of parent's at private/indie schools don't need an EHCP so don't get one but might have private diagnoses or something within the school. Certainly from our experience there is a high proportion of SEN, of varying needs although admittedly not violent. If children have SEN they usually do far better in the calmer environment rather than the state system, so although you may feel more "protected" this isn't always a benefit to the child if they are being bullied or constantly in a heightened state of stress while you have to fight the system, which can take years and becomes a full time job.

TomeTome · 27/08/2025 12:57

6thformoptions · 27/08/2025 12:49

Not sure this is strictly true - a lot of parent's at private/indie schools don't need an EHCP so don't get one but might have private diagnoses or something within the school. Certainly from our experience there is a high proportion of SEN, of varying needs although admittedly not violent. If children have SEN they usually do far better in the calmer environment rather than the state system, so although you may feel more "protected" this isn't always a benefit to the child if they are being bullied or constantly in a heightened state of stress while you have to fight the system, which can take years and becomes a full time job.

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That’s not my experience. Have you tried both?

6thformoptions · 27/08/2025 13:16

TomeTome · 27/08/2025 12:57

That’s not my experience. Have you tried both?

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Yes, we were in state primary and thankfully they were hot on finding kids with ADHD and dyslexia in the very early years. We had 4 in a class of 32, which was more than the other class of 32 which I think had 2. In dd's year group in private there is a significantly higher ratio. The other SEN kids we knew who could pass 11+ (which obviously doesn't include dyslexics who rarely pass the English) went to grammars but even they don't have as high % as dd's school.

TomeTome · 27/08/2025 14:15

It’s this statement I was questioning

If children have SEN they usually do far better in the calmer environment rather than the state system

I think it would depend on the expectation in that environment and the support available. As I said I think if you have a child that can squish themselves into the expectations of private schools that may be advantageous but it would be interesting to see what final outcomes really were.

arcticpandas · 27/08/2025 14:22

GeniuneWorkOfFart · 26/08/2025 19:39

"It is noticeable that they don't have children with very significant sen, like the ones who are waiting for a special school place or are required to show that they can't cope in mainstream for months before getting a suitable school place."

@Sausagescanfly exactly.

They were interviewing you and your DD as much as you were interviewing them, before you applied! Had your DD's needs been the sort that might be inconvenient or disruptive, they wouldn't have wanted her.

I'm really glad your DD is doing well in the school but my point still stands - most independent schools do not want most children with SEN (tbf a lot of state school don't want them either, but they don't have the same luxury of being able to cherry pick pupils to the extent independent schools can!).

True.
My DS15 ASD is in state while DS12 is in private. The private school don't want to deal with disruptive behaviour and focus is on learning. They can chose their students and have a long waiting list so if your child isn't academic and well-behaved you don't even apply.

Labraradabrador · 27/08/2025 16:34

TomeTome · 27/08/2025 14:15

It’s this statement I was questioning

If children have SEN they usually do far better in the calmer environment rather than the state system

I think it would depend on the expectation in that environment and the support available. As I said I think if you have a child that can squish themselves into the expectations of private schools that may be advantageous but it would be interesting to see what final outcomes really were.

for us, private has required far less ‘squishing’ to meet expectations than our state primary. There is far more freedom and flexibility for dd to make adjustments that allow her to self regulate and feel comfortable. There is zero shame attached to those adjustments, and dd is supported to articulate what she needs and given the agency to advocate for herself.

Our state school was very much sit where you are told, do as you are told, and no adjustments unless we can see it written in a professional assessment and potentially enforced by an ehcp.

and yes, the quieter environment makes it massively easier for her, but just as important is her knowing that if she does become overwhelmed there are teachers who will lessen and help vs expectation (explicit or implicit) that she just suffers through.

CatkinToadflax · 27/08/2025 17:31

Labraradabrador · 27/08/2025 16:34

for us, private has required far less ‘squishing’ to meet expectations than our state primary. There is far more freedom and flexibility for dd to make adjustments that allow her to self regulate and feel comfortable. There is zero shame attached to those adjustments, and dd is supported to articulate what she needs and given the agency to advocate for herself.

Our state school was very much sit where you are told, do as you are told, and no adjustments unless we can see it written in a professional assessment and potentially enforced by an ehcp.

and yes, the quieter environment makes it massively easier for her, but just as important is her knowing that if she does become overwhelmed there are teachers who will lessen and help vs expectation (explicit or implicit) that she just suffers through.

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Yes this has been our personal experience too. My son was squished in state rather than private. He was able to thrive in private.

6thformoptions · 27/08/2025 18:09

CatkinToadflax · 27/08/2025 17:31

Yes this has been our personal experience too. My son was squished in state rather than private. He was able to thrive in private.

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Yes there is a lot of shame attached at the grammar school we know of where they have special language for time out for anyone struggling with too much interaction which is known colloquially as "making him go to The Aspie Room". They get called out publicly to go there if they are struggling which becomes something the boys taunt and mock them about. Also a huge expectation for them to be special at something which is hard to live up to. None of that at dd's non-selective school.

OxfordInkling · 27/08/2025 18:12

woolflower · 26/08/2025 22:33

This is very similar to the boy in my DDs class.

If I was in your situation I’d consider looking around schools, then if you like one put your DS into the pre-school there (assuming there is one). That way they’ll have a bit of time to work with him and understand if they can support him prior to the start of Reception.

If they don’t think he’s a good fit for the school then they should tell you with plenty of notice for you can take up the state school place.

Show quote history

I agree with this. Part of me wishes I’d sent my youngest private, but now I realise she’d have been asked to leave by year 3 (AuDHD).

Her state school has been very supportive- but I can tell that, even with disruptions, she’d had learnt far more at private than we’ve managed in state.