Complaint against school

[tubsters]

Posting with a name change to protect my child’s identity. Has anyone had experience with a Level 3 complaint panel hearing at a school?

My 12-year-old son, who has never really been in trouble before, was given what I feel were punitive and degrading punishments. For example, he was made to sit alone on a bench in the yard for about an hour, as all the other children walked past knowing he’d been excluded from a trip – a clear act of public humiliation.

He was also called into a meeting with the Head and three other teachers, where he was pressured to end every sentence with “sir.” He was clearly nervous, and this only heightened the power imbalance and distress he felt. he is usually very polite and would always use ‘sir ‘ in normal circumstances

I accept that children need discipline and have always supported teachers, but the way this was handled felt oppressive and unnecessary, especially for a child who posed no danger and was already anxious.

The Head has denied much of this, so I escalated it to the governors and it’s now going to a panel hearing. I feel quite daunted about going up against the school, but I strongly believe this needs to be addressed for my son’s sake and for other children in the future.

If anyone has been through a panel hearing and can share their experience or advice, I’d be really grateful.

With regard to the 3 teachers telling him to say sir, are you or his dad on the staff at this school as you have a lot of detail that i won't expect a parent to know other than if the child has described it as such. Again, in a boarding prep environment, yes, heavy handed, but they would be required to have 2 staff in the room anyway. It sounds like whatever he did was a boarding misendeavour rather than in school as the missing the evening trip wouldn't apply to something happening in school. Were the 3 teachers also house parents by any chance?
Unfortunately as children get to Year 8 in boarding prep they can 'outgrow' the rules and exhibit less than good behaviour (I had a group of Yr 8 launch a cricket ball at a door as I walked through it) and can be incredibly mature one minute and downright babyish the next (letting off extremely expensive fire extinguishers and setting off fire alarms at 2am for a 'laugh') so context for you will be important.
The panel itself is simply looking at both sides of the evidence and weighing it up

Yeah last year of primary type school is big fish small pond and they can act up and think they’re the big lads.

first year of secondary usually knocks that out of them fairly quickly.

There's no need. The OP's son has already left the school.

So goodness only knows why the OP is so determined to keep dragging this out.

Parents never believe their kids could be rude or mean.

I once had a parent scream at me because I told her son off for calling someone a slur, she said he never, ever would. I ended up just looking at the child and saying that was her opinion, I knew what I heard.

My son doesn't really mess around , or lie

If I'd had a fiver for every time I heard this I wouldn't be driving a 17 year old car!

I am also a co-opted governor for an academy HS and having been involved in a few panels, I would echo everything said here.

I would also add that whilst I understand your seeking an acknowledgment and apology from the school’s SLT, how will you feel if you don’t get the outcome you’re hoping for? For the complaint to reach this stage, you have already spent a considerable amount of your time and energy on this. Given your son has now left this school and therefore will not have any future contact with the HT, my gentle advice would be for you to take a step back and really consider if this is worth any more of your time being spent on it.

Yip.

how do you know a teenager is lying (to quote judge Judy)?

Their lips are moving.

I love the ‘I know my child, they’d never do that’ parents. Clueless

Op I have no experience of fee paying schools from state schools.
The humiliation of kids in front of their peers is unacceptable, abhorrent and damaging.
I do not think you are being difficult or precious and I wish you good luck, regardless of what your boys misdemeanor was.
💐

Due to my child's behaviour (under the ADHD pathway for a few years now) he is frequently made to sit somewhere away from the activities of his classroom peers - especially on his own whilst he sulks it out. He's a crier. Never once would i see this as humiliation.

One of mine I was the “I know my child and I know absolutely they would do that” parent 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Turned out ok in the end though.

OP I'm interested in something - do you believe that your son a) did the thing he is accused of and b) deserved to be punished for it? Because there's something not slotting together here and I can't put my finger on it. Do you think that what he did wasn't that bad, or that he was just going along with someone else etc?

Can see why he's been displaying bad behaviour in school to be honest.

How wrong can you be! I teach at a (very well thought of) north London independent boarding school.

🤣🤣🤣

Jesus, some of these replies! There is nothing “sadistic” about making a child have a time out on a bench in front of their classmates when they have misbehaved. And of course it is relevant what he did to be put on the bench, whatever OP protests to the contrary. As for the panel, it feels like the only outcome OP will accept is for the head to genuflect at her feet for forgiveness.

You have been advised to record the meeting, but do this by taking notes. OR If you plan on making an audio recording you have to ask everyone in the meeting for consent first.

Often the way kids tell stories isn’t the way these things actually happened. The fact they were deciding on his punishment while kids were filing past for the trip makes me think whatever he did to be punished happened immediately prior. This means that he probably wasn’t crying when they told him to sit on the bench, then started crying when he realised his actions have consequences. Just so happens his friends were filing past at this point.

@tubsters Have you found the behaviour policy yet?

If the kid started crying while he was sitting on the bench then I don’t see how that’s the school’s fault.

The saying ‘sir’ thing isn’t evil either. If they’re always supposed to do it then surely he should continue to do so even when being told off?

I know, it's absolutely nonsensical, isn't it?!

Honestly, if a child cannot trust their parent to believe them - who can they trust? Do you have any idea how awful and damaging that would be. As a parent, how can you not trust your child?

@tubsters I think you need to be really clear in your own mind about what you are hoping the outcome of the meeting will be. Then think really carefully about how you will most likely reach this outcome.

For example, if you are hoping that the SLT will learn from this situation and think twice before putting a child in a situation in future in which they may feel publicly humiliated, then I think you need to focus on this part. But, if you want them to hear this part, then you will need to go in non-defensively; acknowledging what they did well/in line with policy, so that they are not feeling threatened by you or defensive.

If they feel attacked by you or on the defensive, they will not be able to hear you at all.

So, like a shit sandwich! (Also I’d focus on your DS’ feeling and impact on him rather than criticising them and what they did)

bread - I fully understand that what he did was wrong and why you took the action of…

shit - what upset me was to hear my DS tell me that he was upset and embarrassed in front of all of his friends. I wonder in future if a child could be taken somewhere else?

bread - he’s had such a positive experience of this school and the great teachers, I would not want this sort of punishment to get in the way of that…

or something along those lines!

Because kids lie.

recollections may vary.

and I’m not even talking about school. If you have more than one kid you know (surely) that it’s all who said he said she did and you can’t tell the truth of it coz there’s his side and her side and the truth is in middle.

That’s not necessarily true though. My son said he was being bullied at a very similar age. He said this to justify a word he aimed at the ‘bully’ (a disgusting word that I won’t repeat) He convinced his Dad he was being bullied because they’re taught everything these days and that is great but it also means they know the language to use in order to manipulate a situation. The school found he wasn’t being bullied and I agreed. The other child did something unkind once or twice but my son thought he could say something disgusting and shameful in response and managed to convince an adult that it was justified because he used the word bullying, it’s similar to saying humiliated, it’s a bit of a get out of jail free card ‘buzzword’.