Not sending one child to private school

[TBC45678]

Inspired by a thread which really kicked off about the idea of first two children going independent and the third going to state school - would people feel similarly strongly about a situation where older two boys go to a private school and the younger girl goes to a very good girls grammar school? Hypothetical as mine are very young still, but I've pondered the possibility.

I've worked in a "very good grammar school" (like top ten in the country) and several private schools and they were like night and day. The grammar school was a miserable, under-resourced school with class sizes up to 32. Try doing a science experiment with 32 year 9s in a room built for 30. No money to replace equipment if it got broken. It was the kind of grammar where kids can be asked to leave at certain points if underperforming so the stress coming off these young kids was insane and cheating was endemic. I would never send my kids there.

None of the private schools I've worked at have been anything like that. Class sizes way smaller. Huge budgets for amazing science equipment of my dreams. Shorter terms. Better sports and art facilities.

You can't send two to private school and not the third.

Edit - especially not your boys vs your daughter. Awful. Daughters need just as much care as sons.

Like I said - extremely hypothetical! Though I had an absolutely wonderful time at my girls grammar school and have done very well in life thanks to the many opportunities and world class education I got there. Who knows what my children's academic styles will be like though.

@RobinHeartella wondering if you worked in the same school I attended..! Does it begin with an H?

I think without a doubt you’d have to look at the schools nearer the time! I went to a very good grammar school, as did my nephew, so it’s not grammar schools per se that are the problem, but what the individual school you are looking at is like, and how it compares with the independent school in terms of what it offers. It’s a hard choice - perhaps by the time your DC are older, you’ll be in a position to send them all to independent school, always supposing there is a decent school available for your DD. Schools are individual, and you need to be sure that you are sending your Dc to the right school for,them.

Doesn't start with H, no! But it doesn't surprise me at all that many "top grammar schools" fit this description.

@sesquipedalian this is really good advice. To be honest I think we should be able to send all three to private if we want. But I hear such incredible things about this grammar school, and loved my own experience at a similar one that I'd thought of the possibility even taking fees out of the picture! There's also a really good state option to consider closer to the time too. Just interesting to hear people feel so strongly about all kids needing to go private if one does.

I worked in a prep and it was quite normal for parents to put their kids in for the 11+ for state grammar but have private as a back up. Not all kids pass 11+ and as the area wasn’t technically in catchment for any grammars, even if they did they might not get a place. So it was fairly common for parents to send siblings to one private and one state depending on who got in where. I have spoken to parents who felt intense guilt about it though (including one who’s youngest was a daughter who went to state grammar, but they’d sent their 3 older but not so academic boys to private - but they genuinely felt this grammar was a better option than any of the privates around for her).

I think if all the kids are happy and it’s the best place for them it’s fine. If, like in the previous poster’s case, it’s just that they ran out of money, I do think that’s not great. I’ve avoided prep for mine for exactly this reason - we could have afforded it for one (a daughter on a discounted place as I worked at a girls school) but not the second (a boy who would have had to pay full price somewhere).

For me this is very hypothetical as I only have one child and won't have anymore now, but if I had to sum up why I chose a school for my child I guess there would be 3 broad areas of consideration:

1. emotional: around building confidence; learning to evaluate situations; processing information to enable them to become good decision makers.
2. social: to allow them to make friends; develop empathy; be able to articulate their ideas, while also considering other views points
3. academic: around where would allow them best to achieve their academic protentional, particularly noting any subjects or areas where that would require extra help or intervention.

Going back to the original question, if one child could do all these things well in a local state school, and another required a private school to do this because their individual make-up was such that the local state schools wouldn't do this, then in principle I wouldn't mind sending one child to private and one to state. I guess if for example, one child would thrive in a huge school and the other would really struggle, then sending one child to a huge state comprehensive and one to a small private school would be ok.

Why would you not consider a grammar for the boys, is there not a boys’ one close enough? In our area the grammars are much more highly regarded than the privates, regardless of cost, and it’s very common for siblings that fail the 11+ to be put in private and for those that pass to go to grammar. I know loads of families that have done this or would have been prepared to.

@RandomUsernameHere no there is a very well regarded boys grammar nearby too - I just don't know how I feel about boys' schools... I loved going to a single sex girls' school but my husband hated being at a boys' school, and there's all that stuff people say (which I've never actually fact checked) about educational outcomes being worse for boys in single sex schools and better for girls. I should look into that all more.

@TBC45678 it’s such a tricky one. I’ve heard that about outcomes in single sex schools too, but also have not done any further research into it.

I think some of it is about offering the same opportunities, but then seeing which one fits/offers. We couldn't afford private for ours, but the local independent boys and girls schools (which are highly selective and top 20 in the country) offered very good bursaries. We said to dd that if she got a bursary she could go there, and she also took the grammar 11 plus, and had a couple of grammars open to her. To my surprise she got offered the bursary, and after going round the schools again, considering the overall experience, as well as distance from home, she chose the independent.

Ds was offered the same opportunities but was quite a different character. We took him round the boys independent but he didn't seem very enthusiastic (it is actually quite different in ethos to the girls school). He took the 11 plus first and was very focused, but didn't seem to put the same effort into the independent exam, and didn't get a place, let alone a bursary. He accepted he'd be going to the grammar school and never complained that dd was at private, as he knew he'd had the same options available to him. In any case, he's a bit of a lone ranger and wouldn't have taken advantage of any of the extra curricular opportunities available at the independent, so it would probably have been wasted on him!

But it was critical that they had the same opportunities - I wouldn't have wanted to exclude the independent option for ds (even though I'm not sure we could have actually afforded it for both of them - even with the bursary!).

I am 60. I can remember a number of boys in my primary school going on to private school but their sisters bring sent to state school because a boys education was so much more important! Thankfully my parents considered all their children should be treated equally and we all went to single sex grammar schools which were not so hard to get into in the 1970s. For me the issue is if it is sex based and girls not being worth spending the money on. I really thought those days were long gone.

But if you do accept that girls can have better outcomes in all girl schools but boys do better in mixed then on some level some girls are going to be forced to have a less good opportunity in order to provide the mixed environment in which boys apparently thrive.

@TheDenimMember so what is your suggestion? Home educate the boys so that they don't derail the education of any girls they happen to be in school with?!
Also if you've read any of my thread there is absolutely nothing to do with 'girls not being worth spending the money on'. What a ridiculous insinuation. You seem like one of those people determined to go through the world finding offence wherever you look. I posted in Education not AIBU specifically to avoid people like you.

Do what’s rights for you and your kids. Don’t worry what others would do.

we sent our eldest to a top private school. I regretted it as it was a total hot house where if you were not a genius that would win them prizes you were left to sink quietly. My child lost all confidence and self belief. They were surrounded by great facilities and lovely buildings but they were not happy.

We sent the three others to our local comprehensive. It wasn’t perfect but it didn’t belittle their talents and they excelled. We were happy with our choices. None of the younger kids ever questioned why they didn’t get the same chance as our first born as they had heard me discuss the impact of the school. It was probably hardest on the eldest as they saw their siblings do better in GCSEs and A-levels from less good schools and without approx £120,000 expenditure.

I think that some boys and some girls benefit from single sex education and other boys and girls benefit from mixed. Where I live there are now no single sex comprehensive schools so unless you get a place at a pretty selective grammar you have to go to a mixed school. Even the one independent option in the city is mixed. In the next town there are a number of independent schools but again only one is single sex and that is for girls. (Big name school). For the record one of my step children girl attended a private school on a choral scholarship, her brother preferred to go to the highly selective grammar school. Their experiences have been different but both know they had some say in where they went.

I was the third child who didn’t get the same as the older two as the money ran out. I’ve spent my entire adult life trying to get over it. A private education is a privilege. Give your daughter the same opportunities as your sons, unless she chooses to do something different.

Depends entirely on the specific circumstances and reasoning.

My older brother went to private boarding school. I went to a state comprehensive. I don't resent it at all because I know my parents tried to make the best decision for each of us (and I got far better results 😉).

@TBC45678 This is a frequent dilemma where I live. We are a grammar county and many parents have one at a grammar and one at private or state secondary. The dc might be quite similar and only a few marks apart at 11 plus.

I think your DH has experience of 1 boys school. We have 4 boys grammars in our LA and parents I know are happy with them. They are popular and sought after schools. The schools that are private don’t get the results that the grammars do - for obvious reasons. One does but it’s a boarding school with day places so somewhat different to the other schools. This school is very different to the much cheaper private day schools as well.

Otherwise, locally, the grammars are better than the private schools. Unless you can afford a big name private, go for the grammars if dc bright enough. If not be careful about third division private schools where the brightest dc are totally absent and they don’t all have amazing facilities or sport!

It does come across as incredibly sexist even if that is not your intention

I think you should show the children all the schools and see what they think , I don’t necessarily think it’s a case of if one goes private they all do but more a case of they all have the same opportunity. Our eldest went private and then Grammar and our youngest went private and then was HE all of us are happy with the decisions made

Many years ago I was the child in this situation.

I was offered a place at a super selective girls grammar 3 miles from home. However, parents knew that my younger sister was extremely unlikely to get a place there, so sent us both to a girls private school in the next town so that they could be "fair" to both of us

That was over 40 years ago and I am still bitter about it (I know, I know). The private school wasn't as good academically as the Super selective grammar, plus the journey there and back was exhausting. None of my friends were local.

I think you should choose the school that best fits your child. Which occasionally might mean different schools.

Most private schools are way better than any grammar schoool.

@Ninkynonkpinkyponks well if you read many of the replies I'd disagree - plenty of people saying in their area the grammar the more desirable option (and in this case yes the grammar school's results far outstrip the private school's). So in fact would it be unfair to send the girl to a less well performing private just for sake of parity with her brothers?