Not sending one child to private school

[TBC45678]

Inspired by a thread which really kicked off about the idea of first two children going independent and the third going to state school - would people feel similarly strongly about a situation where older two boys go to a private school and the younger girl goes to a very good girls grammar school? Hypothetical as mine are very young still, but I've pondered the possibility.

Send the boys to the grammar schools too.

interesting that you’ve started this post and simply want to argue with those that don’t validate your viewpoint

In particular @Ninkynonkpinkyponks look at what @AnnaQuayInTheUk has to say!

But if she fits better in a private school you will send her private like her brothers?

If a state grammar suits her best then great.

Tbh I can't see why a state grammar should only suit one of your children.

@AnnaQuayInTheUk I don't want to argue - I've agreed with many of the varied view points. Just object to being called sexist by complete strangers on a hypothetical conundrum which clearly many people have different views on.

You may as well get used to the fact that many other people will view it as sexist (not just me as stranger but people that you know IRL) if you go ahead and pay for boys education but not girls. That would be more embarrassing wouldn’t it.

@MumChp yes totally. In our quite specific case the girls grammar is closer with a much easier commute than the boys grammar, which performs less well. But I'd definitely send her to the private option if it seemed like the girls grammar wasn't a good fit. And to be honest I think they'll all end up going to the lovely mixed state option a 10 minute walk away where all the neighbours and children from their primary go to! Just interesting to mull over options and hear the views of others well in advance of having to decide.

@Ninkynonkpinkyponks even if paying for her education would mean she gets a worse one than if she went to grammar? I am genuinely interested not just arguing here.

No, of course not but it seems strange to focus on the fact that she is a girl.
Your boys could also thrive in a state school. Why not?

No matter how good a grammar school is many private schools are better. At least be aware of that. You don't sound like you are.

@MumChp well I've explained above that the girls grammar outperforms the private school academically whereas the boys one doesn't?

The fact stated and research is not really there since it describes single sex vs coed over 15 years old. Data over 5 years just too old. Check all the schools and go for state and private and see what offers you and DCs have before deciding after open days etc. Some coed private schools have siblings discounts and scholarships etc. Check GCSEs and A levels choices, the difference may push school being top of list.

We have three children. They have different schooling based on abilities and opportunities.
All three have been to both state and private schools. One of them has also been educated outside the UK.

If you can afford to go private don't focus too much on anything else than choosing according to each child's needs and interests.

I wonder what people would think if a child of either sex didn't get into a grammar and the others did... Should none of them get to go to the grammar and all go private so that it's 'fair', or the ones who got in go and the other go to private? Or they all go to state to avoid accusations of sexism/favouritism either way..? Clearly this is all an interesting conundrum!!

I went to a grammar where lots of people sent their kids from private primaries - I am not sure if that's because they felt the grammar was objectively better, or just close enough to make it not worth the expense of the private school. I would look at all the options you can afford and discuss which is best for your DD. I think it also depends on your financial situation; if the fees are neither-here-nor-there then even is the private school is 5% better you might choose it. If the fees come at the expense of other things then you might make a different choice if there is not much in it.

Unless the school is total crap those numbers say very little about how your children will perform or thrive at that school.
A school can be super awesome and your child can do very lousy.

@MumChp ok so taking sex out of it - your point is that it's fine for one/two children to get a state education if it suits them better, while another one/two get a private education according to their needs? Because yes I probably shouldn't have made it about their sex - one of the boys could be very academic and suit a grammar option with another very sporty/musical boy who'd do better in private.

It happens all the time around here that not all children in a family go to grammar schools but attend other state schools. It's not a big issue in most families as private schools are a choice for few parents.

I don't think a lot of people will think a lot about a child going to grammar school and siblings private if it suits the child and not is a matter of money.

Absolutely.
My opinionti s that if you can afford it you can always find a private school that is better for any child than a state school anno 2025.
But that's just my opinion.

My kids go/went to grammar school and my youngest starts in September. There is a real mix and many have siblings in other grammars, some in private schools, some in comprehensives. Some comprehensives are really very good and better than many grammar schools and private schools. Some of those are also single sex. It really just depends on the school.
I think most people would absolutely love to have a high performing well rounded co-ed comprehensive on their door step. Sadly, that is not the case for the majority of people so they choose the next best option, whatever that might be.

Unfortunately all schools can also go downhill very quickly due to leadership changes. So that is definitely one to look out for. If there is a strong head in place for many years who understands kids and really understands the importance of pastoral care for both kids and staff, that tends to always be a winner.

Depends on the schools. There are good and bad private schools as well as state/grammer/whatever.
My younger sister went to a private school, me and my older sister did not. We felt no resentment as our school was excellent.
Frankly you need to see what the schools are like and what the children need as they get older.

I think OP if you know your child well you can pick the right school for her. A child will be happy in a school where they are likely to make good friends, have some hobbies (so not just celebrated for academics) and are at least average academically. You want them to make friends and have the chance to shine. That is essentially it in a nutshell.
Some kids can cope with huge commutes and still shine and thrive on long days and competition, others really do not. A lot of it is also down to their personalities, energy levels. No stranger on the internet can really give you any advice on your own child’s needs.

Depends on the school. I worked in what is considered to be the best grammar school in the country, a boys’ school, and outcomes there were better than you’re going to get pretty much anywhere.

I think everyone goes private or no one does. Private school is a significant commitment for the majority of people and it does impact on the whole family so it doesn't seem fair if only some of the children (or one of the children!) benefits

I was the daughter who went to the grammar whose brother went to the private school. It's not just about the academic performance of the school, you have to think about the fact that one sibling will get much longer holidays, much fancier school trips, have much better facilities etc. My brother's friends had swimming pools in the garden whereas many of mine were on free school meals. The difference between our childhoods was pretty stark, we even had different accents.

That said, he had a horrible time at school as he always felt inadequate compared to the rich kids and was put under immense pressure to perform academically. I never envied him simply because of that.

Some here take the view that the grammars are better than the average private schools and the money spent on private equals the playing field of opportunity. I’m not sure it does. The average private schools don’t get better results than the grammars. The grammars are outstanding schools.

We had one DD pass for the grammar and one didn’t take the test. We opted out. So they both went to a boarding school where exam results were about the same as the grammars but the school was smaller and had different opportunities that suited DDs. So we did do the same for both.

Also schools are not just about results. They are about broader opportunity and DC being able to grasp that. One issue the grammars have is rationing of opportunity. They cannot accept everyone in the clubs. They cannot coach all who want to do netball. Etc etc. At the private school there wasn’t selection. Friendships were much less volatile and DDs found their niches very quickly.

However I would not pay for a less good private school and I wouldn’t give up a grammar place for such a school. The best private schools are amazing but some are very average.