Neither of my sons are chosen for anything by the teachers

[boro12]

I have two boys, one eleven and the other eight, and while they are sporty, they have never been chosen for any of the school teams, and while they are close to the tops of their classes, they are not at the top, so very rarely get any sort of recognition. In addition, neither of them have been chosen for anything more than the chorus in the school plays, and neither of them are ever picked to do simple things by the teacher, like go to collect a box of something from the next classroom.
My oldest son is starting to not put himself forwards for things, which I have spoken to him about, and he says he is never picked, so why bother? My youngest is sometimes upset after school, especially when not picked for a team. Having spoken to the other parents, it's as if the worst behaved get recognition for the moments in which they do behave, while the best are constantly recognised (whether they're the best, or just come from high status families, is debatable). What am I supposed to do? What are the long term effects of this sort of neglect on children?

It sounds like they are kids that are good all rounders ! Be happy with that . It's not " neglect". It's life.

I’d call and discuss with the head. Not necessarily for the teacher to chose your child more but for out of school options to help with public speaking, making presentations, being on stage so to speak it could be sporting or non.

I know from my own childhood that it's not good when your efforts go totally unacknowledged by teachers. It's as if all your hard work and effort is for nothing.

Going to collect a box is normally given to children who need movement breaks. Some times the errands isn’t even needed but is made up to meet the child’s need.

It doesn't sound like the misbehaving children are rewarded, it sounds like the sportiest and most athletically talented are picked for sports teams and those who are the best academically are given the academic awards, those with a talent for music or performance are chosen for productions, that's meritocracy. Is there an area either child would like to excel at that you can support them to improve in?

Going to fetch a box from another room isn't anything to aspire to.

Just get them doing things out of school.

Are they doing any out of school clubs or activities?

There are always things happening in school. And mine aren't winning or getting chosen.

I just get them involved in things out of school. And get them a treat out of school if needed.

Find ways to raise their resilience at home, or in out of school teams etc. They’re just part of the big middling group that pootles along and isn’t the best at sports or academic work.

So sports/acting etc will usually go to the most gifted/able . Do either of them do lessons outside of school? Academics is again high achievers top marks etc. Taking a letter to the office is usually an opportunity for a child who needs a sensory break to take one without drawing attention to them.

Things you can do-

encourage them to focas on a sport/instrument etc. Compete locally to build confidence.

encourage them to put themselves out there and ask for what they want. Ie lines intheschool play.

speak to the teacher and say you are worried about their confidence and see if teacher has noticed anything.

Does your school use an app/online diary for comms with parents?
Start posting (proud but brief) pics and updates on what they’re up to outside of school. Depending on how the app works it feels a little less “LOOK AT MY CHILD” than social media posts. Your sons sound like a few children I know, but eventually the school clocked on and began praising/recognizing their efforts in these extracurriculars with certificates or comments.

It’s tough - we often highlight the extraordinary (which is understandable) but rarely the all-rounder “regular” kids. It’s difficult for them to learn, especially when being in school is such a huge part of their everyday life, but continue helping them to value achievement outside of school.

It is such an absolute shame that this happens. We are very lucky that our school pushes all children to get involved in drama, sports etc and makes teams available to pretty much all students (except those who really don't want to). Their view, which I think is entirely valid, is you cannot possibly know what you are good at organising enjoy, unless you get a chance to try.

I would raise with the school, nicely, so they understand how their decisions are affecting the children and can plan accordingly.

This. Arrange with another teacher that X will be bringing them something just to get them out for 5 minutes doing something 'useful' or possibly to confirm their identity.

My child would be sent to take the lunch register, notes to other teachers .. it wasn’t a reward it was so he might focus more and help the whole class learn .

Also my child got star of the week one year ( everyone got it at some point ) for improvement in behaviour .. honestly we had an awful two weeks at school because he couldn’t cope with it ..

You are seeing it through your child’s eyes be greatful your child isn’t one who needs this

One of my DDs was like this. A supporting cast member. I didn’t give it much thought until my younger dd started school and was on the school council in the first week. And it was the same for her thorough school. She was Mary in the nativity, she was head of house etc.

Dd1 always tried out for every role and was never chosen for anything. She was well behaved and academic and just wasn’t noticed.

Thirty children in a class is a lot of children. You have to give them a life outside of school I think, so that they have opportunities to be chosen and excel at things.

There’s also the issue in sports where the older kids in the year who are often physically bigger get all the sports team spots.

What are the long term effects of this sort of neglect on children?

Absolutely bollocks all unless you are telling them it means they’re worthless, rather than encouraging them to see that sometimes life doesn’t quite feel fair but it doesn’t mean anything negative about them. Calling this neglect is so far OTT I’m concerned you’re doing the former.

I’d take it as a win that they have noticed and are complaining to you. So many kids would just accept it - same as the adults who work for years in thankless jobs, never asking for a pay rise, always being taken advantage of by their managers.

Agreed.

My children love scouting. It’s fun, teaches them life skills, resilience, team work. Their achievements are recognised through badges, which get distributed maybe 3x a year. Maybe worth looking into?

My DC suffered from this too. Modest, bright, well behaved, easy going and completely overlooked and invisible. It’s heartbreaking when you realise. I think it’s a good idea to get them involved with extra curricular activities as it gives them a different dynamic and more opportunities to shine and try different skills.

That’s sad. Sounds like the school simply don’t very good - my dd primary school was like this. You won’t change the school - it’s cultural. So you can only change how you and your kids respond.

I agree with finding them places to shine outside school.

And Help them understand that being Library Monitor age 7 isn’t a measure of their value as human beings.

My dd never once got a head teacher award at her primary school - whereas kids that were frequently causing classroom evacuations and stopping my dd from learning would get them at least once a year. I helped my dd to understand these “rewards” are mainly tools the teachers use to help try and encourage the kids who are struggling. And everyone else gets them just as a tick box exercise.

DD is now targeting all 9s at gcse so it clearly hasn’t completely discouraged her.

She has absolutely nothing good to say about her primary school.

This. I don't remember being chosen for things at school. I've never even stopped to consider it until now.

Perhaps it was also the fact I was ignored at home, but I would say my being ignored by the teachers, as my sons are now being, had an enormous impact on my self-confidence. As for doing things outside school, these cost money, which is in short supply at the moment, so there isn't much available.

When your eleven year old gets to secondary school there will probably be far more opportunities for doing things in school. Lots of extra curriculars are expensive but not all of them. I’d recommend looking for an athletics club. That’s usually inexpensive and there’s so much different stuff. If you can’t run you can try jumps and if you can’t jump you can try throws.

Being called on to fetch a box or some other errand might make him feel visible. It’s clearly had an impact on him if he’s not putting himself forward anymore.