Neither of my sons are chosen for anything by the teachers

[boro12]

I have two boys, one eleven and the other eight, and while they are sporty, they have never been chosen for any of the school teams, and while they are close to the tops of their classes, they are not at the top, so very rarely get any sort of recognition. In addition, neither of them have been chosen for anything more than the chorus in the school plays, and neither of them are ever picked to do simple things by the teacher, like go to collect a box of something from the next classroom.
My oldest son is starting to not put himself forwards for things, which I have spoken to him about, and he says he is never picked, so why bother? My youngest is sometimes upset after school, especially when not picked for a team. Having spoken to the other parents, it's as if the worst behaved get recognition for the moments in which they do behave, while the best are constantly recognised (whether they're the best, or just come from high status families, is debatable). What am I supposed to do? What are the long term effects of this sort of neglect on children?

So you think never being chosen for anything, and raised hands being ignored, is good for a child? Also, don't ever accuse me of abusing my sons again.

I don’t think anyone is saying it’s good for them. Just that it’s not as terrible for them as you may be thinking it is. I think you should really try to prioritise some extra curricular opportunities, especially for your eight year old as your older one will probably get to do more things at secondary. I just don’t think you can rely purely on school for chances of doing interesting things.

I think you could explain to the current teachers that DC feel overlooked, and maybe there is something they could do as you think it might be affecting their self-esteem.
This is the time of year when teachers start writing notes for next years class teacher, and those comments will get passed along.
Most teachers would feel badly that they have missed this, and almost every teacher I have worked with tries hard to be fair. I think if you flag it up, theyll try harder to do right by your DC, if you are polite about it.

For heaven’s sake, OP, breathe. You’re projecting all over the place. It’s not ‘good’ for children to never win or get chosen for anything, but it’s not going to sap their self-esteem on a permanent basis unless you let it. Help them recognise that school isn’t the only place by encouraging them to gain some resilience and enjoyment in out of school sports and activities where they can potentially achieve and be noticed in different settings. You’re not helping by getting this stressed about it.

I had an overlooked child, too.The ones who aren't chosen for "special" things are often also the ones where the teacher leaves to plod along in their learning, too.

Mine didn't much care that he wasn't viewed as one of the sporty /clever /musical / whatever ones, but I think that was because
he found an after school activity that he loved, practiced it, and did really well in it due to work & enthusiasm rather than talent. Are there free or cheap clubs yours could join? Any activities you can do under your own steam?

Moving to secondary school changed everything anyway.

Sharp elbows.

My youngest doesn't want to be picked so he doesn't care, but after years of not being chosen for anything for my eldest (even being overlooked for the class bear at play school! Turn skipped for visiting circus skills, or trying a class device, or being swapped in in friendly sports games etc.) I've learned that you need to raise it. They're always apologetic, and I have no idea how one child can be so unlucky, but it's happened so often that he's used to it, and tells me and I go and have the chat (he's older now, so he goes and asks himself sometimes too)

some kids, it just seems to happen. Be their advocate.

Are they still in primary?

This happened with my eldest all through primary. You do find at primary the same kids are chosen over and over. Once she got to secondary she was chosen for so much more and it felt like she had her talents recognised much more.

How do you even know this? When they come home from school , are you asking them questions like "Were you picked for anything today?", "Did you put your hand up and answer a question today?" Have you made it a "thing" in their minds by offloading to them about your own experiences? It seems an unusual thing to have detailed knowledge of.

If your children are coming to you with worries about school, then of course speak to the teachers. But start that conversation with an open mind - don't go in to them with your own childhood baggage and a pointed finger.

I would break this down into sections because it is quite likely there are different decision processes and possibly different teachers in the school making these decisions.

Which are you most bothered about and which feels most unfair?

Eg sports teams. I presume this is the 11yr old as my 8 yr olds didn’t have many ‘school teams’ at that age.

Which sport is it, how many children on a team compared to children in the year? Do they choose the team at the beginning of the year (in which case it isn’t ’constantly not being chosen’ although it might feel that way) or do they mix it up through the year? How are they chosen? If it is by merit then unless you have a really good reason to say it is unfair, then I would leave it and try to get them on a team outside school. If it is random and your son hasn’t been chosen, of course speak to the teacher.

School play - do they have enough speaking parts for everyone who wants one? If not then that would seem to be an issue you could take up with school. The size of the part may be reasonable to audition for, but something should be found for everyone.

’In class’ prizes - talk to the teacher about how the children get rewarded. At that age it would be usual to have ‘house points’ or ‘gold stars’ or whatever, throughout the day for a variety of stuff. Find out what they have. Your children will get those. Praise them when they do.

Other things like taking the register to the office - realistically are you certain you have the complete picture? If there are 30 children in the class, and these things happen once a day, are you certain that your child has not been picked once or twice in a term? My child might say ‘I am never picked’ but wouldn’t do the maths to realise in any given week most children aren’t picked. If your child feels bad about it then have a quiet word ‘any chance you could pick x for a special job - he is a bit down this week’ But be aware that maybe he hasn’t been picked because other children have been ‘down’ in other weeks!

Just remembered the thing that tipped me over the edge with this. There was a swimming competition in year 6. My daughter was the only female competitive swimmer in the school competing regionally. She wasn't chosen. All the usual suspects were. My normally laid back DH politely asked why and pointed out her skillset. The reply was "well she's not the best at running so we didn't choose her". He went apoplectic. She competed and won the competition for them. I get that teachers can't know everything and have limited time but the fact the usual suspects were all chosen in this instance really showed the lack of thought.

Do you complain to the school a lot? Teachers on here will deny it, but in the real world all the teachers I know favour kids of nice parents.

I actually think some teachers just take the known characters because it’s easy. No great effort needed. Box ticked. It’s not about developing the whole child for some. However in many schools it is. If they have a fully inclusive policy individual needs are met. Everyone is offered a chance or given a chance. My DDs both went to schools with house points and were given opportunities.

No, I'm always polite to the teachers because I want to model that behaviour in my sons. However, this may be the problem, as they may have taken it as a sign I am a pushover and I won't do what's right for them.

As ever twas. I was overlooked and slowly sank from 'a bright child who should do well' ( one teachers comment on report aged 11) but otherwise invisible, not chosen for anything to my former tutor at 16 not recognising me aged 17 when he taught me the following year. Secondary school is no guarantee that things change. Well behaved, mild mannered kids are ripe for disappearing in the throng. Focus then, as is now, was on the exceptional and the dysfunctional kids.
I was determined it wouldn't happen to my kids. I let them develop interests and hobbies that made them stand out. In class they still were generally invisible, their State schools still ignored them. Independent schools snapped them up giving all three free places! The state schools teachers were baffled, and I hope slightly embarrassed.

Just pick one thing he is quite good at and wants to do and send an email to the teacher about it.

Be positive in your email and mention any reasons why he should be chosen. For example:

DS is really keen to be on the basketball team and represent the school. He loves the sport and often practices with his friends in the park. Please could you let me know what he can do to improve his chances of being selected for the team?

Hopefully the reply will soon come back saying he should go to the basketball after school club or even just putting him straight on the team on the basis the teacher didn't realise he particularly wanted to do it.

Good idea @DryerEye

I also have the invisible child, he takes part in many out of school activities which definitely help but we do struggle with school.
Sports fixtures are to include everyone that wants to participate at least one time which is brilliant yet here was my son walking out of school crying many times because he wasnt picked and I could name them all everytime.
I called the school, said i knew of 2 others kids that wanted to join too and never got picked and what happened? They got picked that week because others couldnt make it.
After that it was the usual suspects again. Frustrating.

Honestly there is nearly always an ulterior message with the kids that are picked and I'd remind your kids of that. They are sporty and academic and have an involved mother, remind them time and time again that they've won the genetic lottery and should count themselves are very lucky little boys. I always do mine.
I remind my kids when I'm trying to model kindness that ability of any sort is normally an accident of genes and luck and they've 'done ' nothing to deserve good genes just as the boys who struggle have done nothing to 'deserve ' their genes. I want mine to be so aware of how privileged and lucky they are and I think that reminding them of that inspires a confidence that the plastic tat the trophy could never give them.
Remind them that in the main its kids who've struggled to win these awards and they are so lucky not to be in that group.