Neither of my sons are chosen for anything by the teachers

[boro12]

I have two boys, one eleven and the other eight, and while they are sporty, they have never been chosen for any of the school teams, and while they are close to the tops of their classes, they are not at the top, so very rarely get any sort of recognition. In addition, neither of them have been chosen for anything more than the chorus in the school plays, and neither of them are ever picked to do simple things by the teacher, like go to collect a box of something from the next classroom.
My oldest son is starting to not put himself forwards for things, which I have spoken to him about, and he says he is never picked, so why bother? My youngest is sometimes upset after school, especially when not picked for a team. Having spoken to the other parents, it's as if the worst behaved get recognition for the moments in which they do behave, while the best are constantly recognised (whether they're the best, or just come from high status families, is debatable). What am I supposed to do? What are the long term effects of this sort of neglect on children?

This is frustrating and we have had similar. My daughter is in year 6 and i said before the castings which girl would get the star roll, the one who has been on every netball, rounders, football team and has done readings at every carol concert. Our school always has a favourite.

This is your chance not to project all your stuff from your own family and childhood onto your DC.

What’s happening to your DC at school is not the same thing as what happened to you at home.

Please don’t set them up to believe they are being neglected and ignored, or pass on to them the defeatist worldview that they are destined never to be recognised because they’re not ‘high status’ or because only the troublemakers get attention.

Give them plenty of positive feedback at home, and help them understand that not everyone gets picked for the things they want and that’s just how life is sometimes - and while it feels disappointing, it doesn’t need to stop them pursuing the things they’re interested in.

If they are sporty, then hopefully the clubs and training they do outside school will boost their self esteem. It makes no sense they aren't picked for them. Are there any opportunities for your child to do their sport for the school? If it's a little bit niche (fencing, diving, ice hockey) you might need to see when the school competitions are.

Often these things are offered to kids that the teachers think need a boost and they are aware don't have much going on outside school.

Your kids will remember getting a PB at their club, for example, much more than taking the register. So focus on the out of school activities they do.

Sorry your boys are noticing/ feel like this, my son had the same happen to him in first and junior schools. It was the same children picked for every thing, every single time, the "teachers pets". Him and his friends stopped putting them selves forward as there was no point, during Y6 two children were on the school council, head boy and girl, head of sports team and head of houses and were prefects no one else got a look in. It should never been allowed

Neglect, seriously??

@CeciliaMars yes the word neglect is a overkill but as a parent you know this aspect of your child's lifelong education is lacking and as a parent you are somewhat responsible to try to meet these needs. if not in school out of school similar to swimming.

I really don't believe that neither of your children have EVER been asked to run an errand for a teacher. The fact is that there are 30 children in the class and a teacher might ask one of them to run an errand less than once a week, so all things being equal each child will probably do it once in an academic year.

The long term effects of not always being picked are precisely nothing, and it's not "neglect."

They are not noticing being always chosen! They notice never being chosen. Dc notice not being invited to parties. Of course intelligent dc notice and yes, op should say something.

It’s perfectly possible for all dc to take part in something if they want to. Most dc don’t like the same stars being picked all the time and frankly, decent teachers do spread participation around so all dc get a chance.

Op - you are the advocate for your dc and I would say something. Probably the teacher hasn’t a clue they favour some dc over others. Also it’s not about “life” and taking the knocks at a primary school. Primary school is about treating each dc fairly and without favour.

My GD aged 6, when asked when she was going to be Star of the Week replied “never I hope as only the naughty kids are chosen to encourage them!”

She is very sporty though and this builds her confidence in other areas.

They sound like good all rounders but not the best at anything. It really is quite normal for children to do outside clubs and activities which improve their skills and make them noticed at a school. Even in DCs inner city school in a deprived area children were off to football coaching, drama club, music lessons, dance class. Those who don't have access to these clubs get left behind.

Neglect?? Come on now OP, this is just hyperbole! Your children are not being neglected at school and you are not helping by running with this narrative.

What you can do, is help them to develop their own self-worth and resilience.

Children don't have the same understanding as adults though, of course some find it upsetting to never get selected for anything.

Just speak to their teachers first. Don’t go over their head to the headteacher, it’s so crap when parents do this and it’s a waste of the head’s time - all they will do is pass the message on initially.

@boro12 I recognise this to an extent. dS is autistic but bright. He did get child of the week (eventually) but they were all supposed to at some point. Certainly he felt quite ignored at primary school. He always wanted a part in plays but he was always in the background. I don't think they trusted him to do it because he could be emotional with his ASC.

It did effect his self esteem a bit. I mentioned how he felt to school and they were fairly dismissive tbh. The same kids always got picked for drama stuff.

He's doing better with this stuff at high school. He's now taking drama GCSE and loves it. He's not into clubs and outside school activities because he just gets burnt out and wants time at home, but I think he's doing ok. His high school are v good at trips and extra curricular stuff so I think he feels more included now.

Try not to project how you felt at school onto your kids though. It may hurt because it reminds you of your own feelings but keep praising them yourself and give them jobs to do, to recognize you know they're capable.

When my musical, bright, non sporty DD was in school, I can remember having a conversation with some friends, and I felt that it was natural that the sporty/musical/academic kids got the fun roles. A friend pointed out that her middle of the road, SEN, daughter would love those opportunities, and what a boost it would give her. I agreed that a Year 4 assembly or cricket match is not the Oscars/the Ashes, and school should be about more that just being the best.

When my son got to school age, he was the one never picked for anything. He’s 16 now, and has never been a lead role/on a team/a prefect etc. He is the very opposite of my DD, painfully shy, and would never put himself forward. It’s hard. I hear you, OP.

How big is the school? In big schools only the best kids will be on the school team, there were 120, half boys in my DD’s year so only 15 were on the football team squad meaning disappointed kids (though they struggled to get 11 girls do she was always picked)

I should add my other dd was never picked for sports at primary because she wasn’t that good, in fact the only time she was picked for sport was to play badminton in the special schools Olympics event which I felt really guilty about her winning because whilst she has Sen (asd) it doesn’t affect her ability to play racquet sports so she won!

I would just bring this up with the teacher and if your ds feels he is never picked for anything as simple as bring a box to the next classroom, I would just ask the teacher if he can be picked the next time a simple task is needed help with such as running an errand within the school or whatever helper position. Explain that he feels he is never picked for anything such as school teams etc (if there are kids better at sports, that cannot always be helped, although in our school they give everyone a chance including ones not great at sports!). Anyway, just explain the situation and I am sure the teacher would not mind picking him to do a task the next time it comes up.

Don't ever accuse me of abusing my children again.

In a way, it’s kind of a compliment. It means they are nice, well-behaved boys who are good all-rounders. My son was the same, he worked hard, never misbehaved and grew very disillusioned that he was never “star of the week” because that award usually went to the naughty ones who decided to be good that week. Almost gave up. Today, he’s doing maths at a good Uni, is well thought of in his student job for being hard-working, and is in two Uni football teams! I think if it’s in them to work hard and be decent people that wins through in the end!

It's really not. Teachers just keep a class list somewhere and every week pick one more or less at random and think of a reason to make them Star of the Week, then cross them off when they've been it. Everyone gets one turn in a year.

the teachers always pick the same folk in the school plays, because they feel like they have to choose confident kids who they can rely on, saves the embarrassment of the less confident kids changing their mind last minute and the play going to shit. I remember my parents gently suggesting at parents evening that I would like a bigger part. It didn’t work. There wasn’t auditions, it was a free for all and teacher always picked the same people year in year out.

i agree with star of the week, was always the naughty ones who had suddenly decided to be good for the week. Teachers tend to ignore the kids who are quiet and behave well.

My daughter’s school is similar in the way they award the “values certificates” (like the star of the week kind of thing), children with massive behavioural difficulties often get the certificates if they have been slightly less disruptive than normal. I get that this is to encourage those kids who really struggle and from that perspective it’s great. But the “pretty good but unremarkable” kids like my DD do notice that they never get it and they stop bothering and get a bit disenfranchised.
We just make a big joke of it so she can see through the system and understand that it’s not a reflection on her (eg when I remembered something that I pretty much always forget one day we joked that I would get the certificate this week for being slightly less chaotic than usual even though her dad never forgets anything etc) and make sure we’re showing her how proud we are of her in other ways. I agree it can have an effect but it’s all about how you deal with it.

It definitely sounds like you are projecting your childhood experiences onto your children. I don't remember ever asking mine whether they had been "chosen" for something like taking messages as it's not something I associate as a reward. It was definitely used as a reward mechanism in the past (I remember that from the 1970s and 80s), but now it is routinely used as a behaviour management mechanism. Times change.

Sports teams will almost always choose the children who are best at whatever sport it happens to be, and they are usually children who do those sports outside if school. School play castings will usually choose the children who are good at voice projection so the audience can hear them.

What activities do your boys do out of school? Mine struggled to stand out in the usual school team sports like football, rugby & cricket so we found other sports & activities outside of school that they could excel in. Also, they went to a secondary school that wasn't "known" for sport which meant sports team selection was less competitive. They were picked for things like table tennis, 5-a-side football, volleyball, etc.

To those who say I'm projecting, how many of you are going to say it's normal for two pupils who do very well to get very little attention from the teacher, to the point they are hardly called upon in lessons, even when they have their hands up?