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Original poster

4 year old is very behind in school.

114 replies

Opalcookie · 31/01/2025 06:37

Hi everyone! I was hoping for some practical advice to help me with my oldest son.

He started reception in September and during his third week there the teacher pulled me to one side in the playground and told me that he was a little behind the other children and she’s going to work on building his confidence with learning.

Since then, he has been gone from needing extra help, to being separated from the rest of the class for 1:1 help with reading, phonics and maths. He rejoins the class for a short amount of time each day for the other activities like RE and PE.

My husband and I both did well at school and I try hard to nurture him and build his understanding of the world. However, if it’s not toys, lego or superhero’s, he’s not interested.

He’s an active boy and we involve him in clubs outside of school which he does really well in. He also astounds me with his knowledge of animals (he’s taught me about sun fish and about baby anteaters this week 😂).

I can’t help but feel upset as I got another note that he is below expected level for his age.

I’ve read hundreds of times that other countries don’t put the children in school at this age, but I’m sure there are still milestones that he should have reached by now regardless of education system.

He didn’t learn his colours until he was 4, he struggled to count to ten until 4 etc.

I just feel I’ve let him down and that I’ve done something wrong. He has progressed since starting school but is still very behind.

Has anyone got any advice, especially practical advice of how I can help him?

Thank you

OP posts:
sheep73 · 31/01/2025 07:16

Make sure he's getting plenty of exercise and fresh air if he's active. Walking to the park, learning to cycle, football in the garden etc. As my dad would say small boys are like sheep dogs and need plenty of work 😜
Following plenty of fresh air he should be tired so a good bedtime routine with plenty of reading. Read to him every night and gradually introduce him reading to you.
I would minimise screen time as this will just keep him quiet but not give him the exercise he needs nor help him with reading. Reading every day really pays off.

fanaticalfairy · 31/01/2025 07:21

He's 4.

FOUR.

Make sure he is eating good food, sleeping well, plays by himself and with other 3-5 year olds, goes outside, is read to and is loved.

The rest will come.

CatsandDogs22 · 31/01/2025 07:23

I would be looking for a different school. He’s 4. What are they doing?!

BoeufBourguig · 31/01/2025 07:25

Unless he has specific SEN then it's as @fanaticalfairy says, I suspect, but in your shoes I would also be worried/looking back and questioning what I could have done differently - that's perfectly natural but it really doesn't sound warranted. It sounds like you're doing a great job! Is he happy, generally? How has he responded to starting school?

Monvelo · 31/01/2025 07:25

Try not to worry, it won't do any good or change the outcome, you'll just be worried! Personally I think 4 is so young, as you say in many countries they've not started school yet. Also many home schooled kids don't learn to read 'naturally' until much later, or equally get into maths. They end up able to do it, just on their own trajectory. One of my kids was reading before reception, it just came naturally. The other struggled with phonics and has always been 'behind', but loves reading and wants to be an author. Hopefully it'll all come good. On the plus side your school sounds decent that they are giving him so much 1:1.

lakesandplains · 31/01/2025 07:27

@Opalcookie I'm impressed the school has put in 1:1 help so quickly - often they do nothing for several years and they slip further back.

They sound like they're doing a good job. Yes, it's not what any parent wants to hear, it's a difficult adjustment.

fanaticalfairy · 31/01/2025 07:28

You can easily build up colours/letters/maths in every day life.

Literally just say every colour of everything "oh look at that lovely green leaf" or wow "that orange flower is beautiful" "do you want the white t-shirt or the blue shirt?"

Count everything... Say numbers wherever possible and talk about higher/more/fewer/above/under etc
"I need 1,2,3 eggs for this cake "
"I wonder how many people are in this bus 1,2,3,4,5,6..."
"We're going to soft play at 10, it will take 15 minutes"
"Can you put your wellies in the bag /on the step /under the bench"
"I need 2 more spoons of flour"

Read, read, read, read to your child. Read baby books, toddler books, older books, road signs, magnetic letters.

Start pointing out the letters, see if he can spot a,s,f. Etc

ThePoetsWife · 31/01/2025 07:30

Do you play with him? Use toys and games to help build his knowledge and keep talking to him eg talk about the colours eg shall we look for ten red bricks to build a Lego house?

ThePoetsWife · 31/01/2025 07:30

fanaticalfairy · 31/01/2025 07:28

You can easily build up colours/letters/maths in every day life.

Literally just say every colour of everything "oh look at that lovely green leaf" or wow "that orange flower is beautiful" "do you want the white t-shirt or the blue shirt?"

Count everything... Say numbers wherever possible and talk about higher/more/fewer/above/under etc
"I need 1,2,3 eggs for this cake "
"I wonder how many people are in this bus 1,2,3,4,5,6..."
"We're going to soft play at 10, it will take 15 minutes"
"Can you put your wellies in the bag /on the step /under the bench"
"I need 2 more spoons of flour"

Read, read, read, read to your child. Read baby books, toddler books, older books, road signs, magnetic letters.

Start pointing out the letters, see if he can spot a,s,f. Etc

Edited

This!!

DUsername · 31/01/2025 07:31

I'm in the WTF he's FOUR camp.

Surely there is a very wide range of abilities at this age.

Is he in some sort of super competitive private school?

DUsername · 31/01/2025 07:33

I mean, all the advice on here sounds really patronising. The op's post implies this is a child who does a lot of activities and has support at home - saying the colour of everything to a child this age is absolutely basic. You might as well remind the op to feed him and put him to bed while you're at it.

fanaticalfairy · 31/01/2025 07:35

DUsername · 31/01/2025 07:33

I mean, all the advice on here sounds really patronising. The op's post implies this is a child who does a lot of activities and has support at home - saying the colour of everything to a child this age is absolutely basic. You might as well remind the op to feed him and put him to bed while you're at it.

What's your fantastic advice then?

If reinforcing colours/numbers/language/play in every day life, and not worrying too much and reassuring her that he will get there is such crap advice?

We'll wait...

ThesebeautifulthingsthatIvegot · 31/01/2025 07:36

Your child must struggle with learning, if you do lots with him and he didn't learn colours or numbers names to ten easily.

That's not the same as you've done something wrong. Some children have additional learning needs. Others just learn more slowly. These come from families with a full range of backgrounds.

Littlebluebird123 · 31/01/2025 07:37

Are you in England? The children are assessed on different areas of the curriculum including their social skills and physical development. Did the teacher say he was ok in these areas?
Was she trying to suggest that they think there's some Sen? Generally, a short chat that the child isn't quite at the same stage as other children at their age is the first conversation about this. Is he a Summer baby? That can have a huge affect.
It might be helpful to have a proper conversation with the teacher rather than relying on notes and a quick catch up.

PullTheBricksDown · 31/01/2025 07:37

DUsername · 31/01/2025 07:33

I mean, all the advice on here sounds really patronising. The op's post implies this is a child who does a lot of activities and has support at home - saying the colour of everything to a child this age is absolutely basic. You might as well remind the op to feed him and put him to bed while you're at it.

It did say that but not with a lot of detail. 'Support' and being 'very active' could mean so many things. I was wondering how they'd approached reading and counting myself. So I couldn't disagree more. Good ideas suggested.

Lougle · 31/01/2025 07:38

@Opalcookie would he count Lego bricks with you? Would he colour in super hero cloaks/outfits?

It's interesting that he has a knowledge of animals - is that coming from watching nature programmes?

What is he like with changes of routine and transitioning from one activity to another? How does he respond if you join in play with him and change things around? Does he use imagination in his play, or does he like everything lined up and orderly?

ThesebeautifulthingsthatIvegot · 31/01/2025 07:42

Sorry, I re-read your post and particularly the first line, asking for practical advice, which I should have focused on.

You need to find out what he is struggling with at the moment and if you can do some extra learning at home. So he's struggling to pick up phonics sounds. No problem, find out if they can send flashcards home with the sounds he is working on. But only if your son isn't exhausted after school. If he is, it's ok to leave all formal learning to happen at school.

It's awesome that he's having one to one support already. I don't know any school that can still do this for children who just have slight learning delays.

fanaticalfairy · 31/01/2025 07:43

Where's he learning about sunfish and anteaters from at 4, that you're unaware of? He won't be learning that at school... Is he left to his own devices on the TV /tablet or something?

Overthebow · 31/01/2025 07:43

Did he go to nursery? What did they say there as they would have been working towards and assessing school readiness?

HPandthelastwish · 31/01/2025 07:43

You do lots of active activities but what about academic / school ready things

Go to the library and try out different books for you to read to him, my DD used to love the Transformer Rescue bots, but there will be plenty of young Marvel books there too.how about playdoh to build up finger strength for writing.

Practising using scissors by drawing wriggly lines on paper or finished cereal boxes and cutting the pictures out

Laying in the floor with a big roll of lining paper to draw on.

School skills like sitting and listening, doing up his coat etc

Narrate and talk through everything you do particularly with letters and numbers

iamaMused · 31/01/2025 07:52

I've been where you are op and it looks like you've received fantastic advice from the other posters, my kids left primary school pretty much in the lower half of the class in fact my youngest was on the bottom maths group. Both matured in high school and found their favourite subjects (neither had covered these in primary school) that they worked hard in and managed to achieve good grades, just remember it's a marathon not a sprint.
Both mine have ADHD diagnoses at university which may have explained their reluctance to learn.

Northumberlandgirl · 31/01/2025 07:53

my husband and I both have higher degrees.
We have two sons. The first loved songs and stories. He couldn’t wait to be able to read and could read simple stories before he was 4 years old.
My second son wanted to run and climb. He wouldn’t sit for stories or songs. When he started school he struggled with reading and by the time he was 9 was put into a remedial class. He now has a masters degree in a complex form of engineering.
Encourage your son but try not to worry. He may just be slow to mature.

fallingupwards · 31/01/2025 07:58

The education system has gone crazy. When my 18 year old was in reception, they ran out beaming with a glue soaked picture in hand and sang songs all the way home. My friends and their 5year old children are stressed at not hitting academic targets and falling behind. Our UK system is not child centred and does not take in to account natural differences in normal human development and interest.

Ohhmydays · 31/01/2025 08:00

fanaticalfairy · 31/01/2025 07:21

He's 4.

FOUR.

Make sure he is eating good food, sleeping well, plays by himself and with other 3-5 year olds, goes outside, is read to and is loved.

The rest will come.

Edited

This. They don’t start school till 5yrs in Scotland, and now if their birthday is after summer holidays you get the choice to keep them in nursery another year so some kids are nearly 6 before they start

Funderthighs · 31/01/2025 08:09

It’s a sad state of affairs when a 4 year old is being declared as “behind” with learning at school. He’s 4…..he has his whole life ahead of him! Try not to worry and let him enjoy being a child. Neither of you need this pressure.