4 year old is very behind in school.

[Opalcookie]

Hi everyone! I was hoping for some practical advice to help me with my oldest son.

He started reception in September and during his third week there the teacher pulled me to one side in the playground and told me that he was a little behind the other children and she’s going to work on building his confidence with learning.

Since then, he has been gone from needing extra help, to being separated from the rest of the class for 1:1 help with reading, phonics and maths. He rejoins the class for a short amount of time each day for the other activities like RE and PE.

My husband and I both did well at school and I try hard to nurture him and build his understanding of the world. However, if it’s not toys, lego or superhero’s, he’s not interested.

He’s an active boy and we involve him in clubs outside of school which he does really well in. He also astounds me with his knowledge of animals (he’s taught me about sun fish and about baby anteaters this week 😂).

I can’t help but feel upset as I got another note that he is below expected level for his age.

I’ve read hundreds of times that other countries don’t put the children in school at this age, but I’m sure there are still milestones that he should have reached by now regardless of education system.

He didn’t learn his colours until he was 4, he struggled to count to ten until 4 etc.

I just feel I’ve let him down and that I’ve done something wrong. He has progressed since starting school but is still very behind.

Has anyone got any advice, especially practical advice of how I can help him?

Thank you

@Pieeatery I must admit I was seriously considering deferring him. I thought he wasn't at the same level of the other children but he was moving to school with his nursery friends and didn't want to negatively affect him socially by having him re-join his friends later, which in hindsight may have been the better option.

Does he play pretend? - Yes (he'll play firefighter, police officer, hulk, mummies and daddies etc.)
Does he play with other kids - Yes he has 3 close friends and 5 other boys he plays with regularly. We try to organise play dates as well to help him socially.
Can he compromise? I would say so. We will make 'deals' and do a handshake with him which makes him laugh e.g. "your brother can play with that now and you can play with it after, deal"
How was his speech? Slower than his cousin who is a couple of days younger, and definitely slower than my other son at the same age.
Sleep? He seems to need far less sleep than other children but isn't the worst I know. He doesn't wake us up in the night anymore just seems to need a little less sleep than other children.
Does he play with sibling? He loves him exceptionally and we are really lucky with how he reacted to having a brother. Our only issue is sometimes we have to ask him to calm it down as his brother doesn't always want him 'in his face'

He's 4. He shouldn't really be at school in my opinion!

The teachers should not be segregating him - the best thing for him is play, friends, exploration and fun!

I have the complete opposite issue with my 3 year old, who is hyperlexic with poor social and communication skills. As in he can read, is obsessed with numbers, letters and shapes, knows all his colours, planets, and can also do some basic maths.

the approach we take due to his significant delays in communication are to use his existing interests within a therapeutic approach. So we have a train set that also has number blocks on. We work on his imaginary play, social understanding and language through this sort of play. So, in theory, you could use your son’s existing interests such as Lego to help him recognise numbers, letters etc.

What is his recognition like? Does the school use the read write inc. flashcards for phonics? You can get them from amazing for around £6 and they could be good for you to use in conjunction with his existing play. You could also get a magnetic board and some magnetic letters and numbers. At best you could play with them together or otherwise just have them in his room. Is he exposed to books? Do you read to him? There are so many ways you can expose him to letters, numbers etc.

They still do this, but often they've seen a lot of kids and can tell if something is amiss. I think it sounds good they flagged it now and things like understanding number placement etc is critical.

Just a thought, have you had your DC's hearing and eyesight checked?

And as almost everyone said, everything can be an informal learning experience at this stage. How many peas do you have etc.

@TheCosyOpalFox That's a really interesting take, thank you. I don't think I have enough around the house that is 'educational'. I think since we have moved on from the baby/toddler toys which always include letters and numbers. We haven't really purchased anything that further develops those skills and instead have gone along with his interests more.

I did try buying phonics flash cards, wipeable letter practice and the orchard games phonics games but he refuses to engage as those are "for school" and he's not at school so doesn't want to partake.

I think a blended approach of trying harder to include the educational aspect into his current interests is the way forward. I'm thinking:

• Buying the transformers/superheroes early reading books. I've found some second hand ones online. They may not follow his schools reading programme but the practice won't hurt and at least he might pay attention!

• Finding toys which suit his age and interests with an educational aspect to them.

• Counting and finding letters when out and about and when discussing animals

• Spending more time with him actively playing and adding letters and numbers into the play

If he’s struggling with phonics I’d leave trying
to get him to read, it’ll knock his confidence and make him reluctant to try, but you could use the books to teach good handling skills, talk about the pictures and then read stories to him for his enjoyment

That all sounds great OP all we can do as parents is try.

In our case we still have a long way to go before my son becomes conversational, if he ever does, and in the meantime actively interacting with him is probably the approach that works best, although it can be hard when I’m exhausted or have other things I need to do! And my son doesn’t always grasp what I’m trying to do with him but at least I can say we’ve tried (XYZ). For me it feels a bit fruitless to buy him toys that are designed for imaginary play, but I have to just adapt my approach and include the things he loves with the playtime.

Another thing that could help - read/recite nursery rhymes and sing simple songs with him (doesn't matter if you can't sing) The regularities help with reading.

Just keep it in sneaky ways.

He might like to play snap, and you can start with colours, the. Shapes, then numbers.

He might like dominoes (or a variation of) where he just matches the values.

Also play simple board games with him - rolling dice, taking turns, counting spaces, all helps.

I know you said you’ve had his eyesight and possible colour blindness checked. Was he also checked for Irlen syndrome, which is a visual processing disorder? It’s possible to have it even with perfect vision.

Who did the autism screener? DC2's secondary school did screeners for autism, ADHD, OCD and a few other things. Since finishing school, DC2 has been diagnosed as dyslexic and having ADHD. The consultant psychiatrist who did the ADHD diagnosis also suspects autism. Even though I am autistic, I never for a moment suspected any of this, I just knew DC2 wasn't coping.

I asked the dyslexia assessor why the schools had not noticed DC2's dyslexia and she said that bright children who are not too severe pass the screeners.

Neurodiversity notwithstanding, your DS is 4 and a summer baby. We all develop at different rates and some of us are very different. It could be for example that your DS is emotionally very advanced but in other ways less so. When DC1 (also summer baby) started school, they could cope with the academic stuff but were super super stressed and used to wee on the sofa every single day for months after school.

Is this a state school? I ask because if it is I am wondering how they can resource so much 1:1 and why you don't seem to be being told much. Do you have regular meetings with his class teacher and the senco. If it's a private school be very careful they aren't putting too much pressure on him. SOME private schools are very "hot house-y"

dizzydizzydizzy while the myth (cited by OP) that people who make eye contact can't have autism persists amongst health and education professionals I'm afraid I'm skeptical of so called screeners. I hope your DS is doing well.

Very true. My autistic child has no problem with eye contact.

You seem like a fabulous mum, so I am sure that your boy is getting a great early education. The fact that you are going to try a few things based on suggestions here is amazing.

Hi OP. I sympathise as my now-16 year old DD was very like this. Top Trumps are great, you can get them in all sorts of interests and we actually made some of our own.

Speech and language. I would pay for a speech and language assessment and therapy. It sounds like his receptive and expressive language are delayed. Look up DLD. That will also impact on attention too.

Im a teacher. Never taught reception but I taught y1 for a many years.
Could he be bored at school??? For some kids school is a massive inconvenience. You say he's taught you about animals, how did he learn those facts? I'd try focusing on his interests.
Can he read / write CVC words? If so get pictures of animals such as cats, dogs, pigs, hens and see if he will write those words.
If he's interested in a particular animal print pics out and ask him to use phonics to label the parts.
Get him building lego towers and compete to see who can build the highest in a given time. Then compare them using language such as bigger, higher, longer. Then count the bricks you used.
Look for shapes while you're out - can you spot 3 circles before we get home, what shapes can you see on the pylons etc.
But overall, I agree with everyone saying try not to worry. He's only 4 and he has a loooooong way to go.

Your son sounds similar to how my DD was in Reception...

She has dyslexia. The earliest signs were actually struggling with basic recall of simple things like counting and colours... its not that she couldn't count, she couldn't remember five came after four for example.

They don't screen for dyslexia until 7 as the tests aren't reliable before then, but the signs can be there.

OP, as an English teacher at secondary school, who spent 7 years working in an SEN department I feel that the biggest difference you can make academically to your boy is to read to him. Every day for at least half an hour, at least until the end of primary school. I could always tell who had been read to and who hadn't. It makes a transformational difference.

Bribe him to listen at first if necessary. Don't allow him to race about or play during reading. Don't make him read any of the words. Picture books are still great at 4 - he might enjoy the Super Happy Magic Forest series.

Sounds like if could be helpful to re look at neurodivergence. My daughter didn’t flag on the ASQ SE when we did it as part of 2 year check. But did flag for a referral when we did one at 3yo. And is now diagnosed.

You can Google them and score yourself at home to give an indication.

He's 4
The end

This is so desperately unhelpful. The wider the gap becomes, the harder it is to close it. Education is not punishment.

Because a teacher saying a 4 year old is behind after 15 days is very early to judge. In most schools that teacher would have 30 to get to know. In many schools they don't even finish their reception settling in period for three weeks; often part time during this time. He's doing well at other activities outside school. In many schools the reception children can't do basic stuff / still in nappies.

What a weird bench mark. Are you saying children who fall behind the normal development rate shouldn’t be helped because other children might be further behind?
OPs son couldn’t do colours or basic counting entering reception and was wetting himself 1-3 times a day every day. Any one thing on its own could be a specific issue but all together shows a pattern of additional support being measured. It is would actually be incredibly slack for the teacher to ignore that. They have 30 kids coming through their door every year and more in the infant school as a whole usually. More often than not a teacher is much better placed to be able to determine where a child’s development falls compared to their peers any they can tell the difference between a child adjusting to school vs needing additional support.
The teacher acknowledging these issues and putting a plan into plane will be the best thing for this boy.