4 year old is very behind in school.

[Opalcookie]

Hi everyone! I was hoping for some practical advice to help me with my oldest son.

He started reception in September and during his third week there the teacher pulled me to one side in the playground and told me that he was a little behind the other children and she’s going to work on building his confidence with learning.

Since then, he has been gone from needing extra help, to being separated from the rest of the class for 1:1 help with reading, phonics and maths. He rejoins the class for a short amount of time each day for the other activities like RE and PE.

My husband and I both did well at school and I try hard to nurture him and build his understanding of the world. However, if it’s not toys, lego or superhero’s, he’s not interested.

He’s an active boy and we involve him in clubs outside of school which he does really well in. He also astounds me with his knowledge of animals (he’s taught me about sun fish and about baby anteaters this week 😂).

I can’t help but feel upset as I got another note that he is below expected level for his age.

I’ve read hundreds of times that other countries don’t put the children in school at this age, but I’m sure there are still milestones that he should have reached by now regardless of education system.

He didn’t learn his colours until he was 4, he struggled to count to ten until 4 etc.

I just feel I’ve let him down and that I’ve done something wrong. He has progressed since starting school but is still very behind.

Has anyone got any advice, especially practical advice of how I can help him?

Thank you

Accept the school’s help, they’re trying their best but don’t stress about it unduly. It could be about “building confidence in learning”, with the stress on confidence, not the learning. Some children are really interested in certain things but struggle with others (either lack of interest or fear of failure).
Children mature at different ages and the vast majority get there in the end.
Those who shine the brightest at this age may not necessarily keep shining as brightly.
I was a very, very advanced reader at 4. I doubt very much (30+ years on) that I read better than you, or anyone else reading this.

He's 4. I think he’ll be just fine for GCSEs.

There seems to be a lot wrong with the primary curriculum. Why the huge emphasis on writing? As adults they will hardly ever write by hand.
I have seen lots of children arrive at secondary school and thrive. Yet these same children were written off at Primary school.

I don’t think it’s bad advice at all. Maybe the OP knows it, maybe maybe she doesn’t, but there are certainly a large amount of parents who don’t speak to their children in this way and don’t understand how to further their child’s development!

When was he 4. There is a big difference to a a child who turns 4 in September to a child who turns 4 in August.

Well, writing still important for fine motor skills - yes, that could be taught other ways but I don't see anyone shouting for alternative ways to develop motor skills?

It's an important tool to help organise thoughts too.

Writing is very important, it's very different to typing

My husband and I both did well at school and I try hard to nurture him and build his understanding of the world. However, if it’s not toys, lego or superhero’s, he’s not interested.

Firstly I think you’re coming at it from the wrong angle. At reception age you aren’t sitting them down and making them study at a table for hours, every 4 year old loves learning. Every single thing they “need” to know at this age can be worked into play with toys, Lego or superhero’s. There’s no need for him to not be interested.

I disagree with the comments not to worry at all because he’s only 4, things like only learning colours and counting in recent months is actually quite late and perhaps suggests that he needs extra time to absorb information or needs 1 on 1 support so it’s good the school have started a plan so early into reception.
The vast majority of children go into school knowing how to count and knowing colours so without these foundations he will struggle more with the new stuff in school.
It sounds like the school have been proactive, did he go to nursery before school? Did any concerns get raised there?

And I agree with the point about him learning about animals without your knowledge, that strikes me as solo iPad time which frankly just shouldn’t be used at 4 particularly for a child that struggles.

I completely disagree. It's really important to understand if your child is struggling at as early age as possible so that the right interventions can be made by parents and the school. Age related expectations exist because most children are able to do specific things by a certain age. If your child can't do these things then it is a red flag. It doesn't mean that they will forever be behind and never catch up but it means there is a risk that there is an underlying issue that needs to be addressed.

You have high expectations !
I would not expect a 4 year old to count to 10 or know his colours necessarily

I don’t have any specific advice but here in South Africa kids only start school at age 6, and they must be turning 7 in that first year. There is an optional reception year for kids aged 5 turning 6. Between 3 and 5 it’s all still preschool - focused on learning through play and not on a formal curriculum. It’s always seemed crazy to me that kids in the UK are expected to start formal schooling so early.

You can’t be serious? You wouldn’t expect a reception aged 4 year old to know colours or to count to 10? I don’t mean to make the OP feel worse but comments like this with absolutely ridiculous concepts of developmental norms are not helpful, the majority of 2 year olds would know how to do both.

What specifically has the teacher said he is behind on?

For building fine motor skills get out the playdough, play with Lego and puzzles, do some threading activities, Hama beading, things like that. Make sure he is getting plenty of exercise using his whole body too.
For maths concepts, get him baking with you and talk about the weights, get him to cut a pizza or cake into half and quarters, walk down the road and look at house numbers, talk about odds and evens, just every day things are all you need to do at that age.

Practical advice coming up: my ds’s was behind, he had very low verbal skills, didn’t know his letters, felt anxious when he didn’t know as much as the other kids.

The school is letting you know so you understand why he’s being taken aside for extra help.

You can support at home. Nursery rhymes, reciting the alphabet, counting games (take it in turns to count so you do odd numbers and dc does even numbers).

Ask him to count things pointlessly - “I’ve got some extra potatoes, how many potatoes are on your plate? does daddy have more than you?” Or “can you pass me four Lego bricks?” My dc learned to count with Lego - “mum pass me a piece with 8 dots on please”.

Get him some magnetic letters or an alphabet jigsaw. Play with them.

Get him to draw a picture of his superhero, practice colours

Play eye spy

Do 5 minutes of forming numbers or letters on a page every day at the same time so it is a habit like cleaning teeth that he doesn’t question. Ignore the wailing - make him sit quietly with you and do it. Once 5 good minutes are done, gently extend up to ten minutes.

My dc is now caught up to lower-middle of the pack and can read, join up handwriting, add numbers up to 20, and do his 2 and 10 timestable. And he likes school now.

It can be done!!!

They should really know the colours.
Especially the red, yellow, blue, green, white, orange black type. Maybe not "nuanced" colours like silver/ lilac/turquoise/teal but definitely the basic ones.

Counting, maybe...they need to know to 20 by end of reception. I'd expect him to know 12345 by now at least.

Can he recite nursery rhymes to you? Does he remember his colours? My dd muddled up her colours at 4 and could not remember things like ‘Twinkle Twinkle’. She would use ‘up’ instead of ‘down’, ‘open’ instead of ‘close’ etc. When she started school at 5 (Scotland) she was almost immediately diagnosed with dyslexia and appropriate intervention put in place. She also really struggled with maths and in later primary was diagnosed with dyscalculia too. What was important was that the school recognised her issues and put steps in place to help her, like your son’s school is doing. You have done nothing wrong. What you can do is support him at home using games to help with phonics, counting etc.

Things I did with dd - spray shaving foam on the kitchen table and get him to write letters in it. Matching games with pictures and phonics. Write numbers on large pieces of paper and put them on the floor and when you shout the number he has to jump to the right one. Trace letters or sounds on his back with your finger and he has to guess which one you are doing. These are all more active games he might enjoy.

Your expectations are too low.

OP you’re had lots of useful practical advice on this thread already so I won’t add to that but PLEASE don’t get too grumpy/reactive at the school. Yes, your LO is only 4 and we do focus a bit too much on early academics here. BUT, people often don’t realise that in many of those countries that start school later, the ‘pre schooling’ is actually pretty focused.
From a teachers point of view, it is unusual to not to recite numbers to 10 or recognise colours at 4 (is your LO colour blind?). The school sound like they are being very proactive in trying to help your LO catch up. They don’t put in support like that lightly - it’s costs a lot and is a real stretch in terms of having enough adults to do that kind of work. I think it might be worth having a more formal meeting with the teacher and the school SENCO. Find out exactly where your child’s strengths and areas of development lie and what should be put in place as next steps.

Dd1, 10, is excelling in everything at school. She picked up reading really quickly, could do simple adding at nursery, is at 'greater depth' at everything.

Dd2, 7, is more like me at school and gets distracted, struggles with spelling and maths, loves having stories read to her but would rather not read herself. She has had extra 1-1 sessions for phonics and maths and reading. And she is fine. We try very hard not to compare her to dd1 as she is working at her own pace, like I imagine your ds is. We do what PPs have done and make learning part of a game, tried to get colours, spelling, shapes, maths etc just into everyday life. We encourage and praise her a lot too, she loves getting things right and it spurs her on! She gets there in the end, she just needs a bit more time to understand, like times tables, where to use a comma. We have found she would much rather read a fact book about dinosaurs than a story book so have lots of those that she now picks up and reads herself.

Your ds getting 1-1 help will really benefit him and its great that the school have picked up early.

Get a copy of the national curriculum. It will break down what is being taught and when. Look at highly structured reading schemes with lots of repetition. Keep sessions really short with lots of praise and treats for having a go. What sometimes happens at school is that some children have failed to grasp the phonics lesson and the teacher moves on so the child now has too much to try to absorb when they haven't got the grounding yet in the first lot! At home you can take things more slowly and remove the stress. Little and often is the way to go. You can make up a great deal over weekends and holidays and a few minutes after school.

again.. you do not have normal expectations - yes 2 year olds should know red, blue, yellow etc the basic colours. But probably not even things like pink or grey etc

Also they can't generally count to 10. Realistically at 2, they could recognise 1,2 and 3 sure. And perhaps grasp the concept of two things being "2".

But most 2 year old cannot count to ten. They can probably recite it - but actually counting and/or recognising the actual numbers up to 10? No.
The ability to recite to 10 is as useful as them to recite 1 to 10 in Martian - it's a feat of memory, not understanding or counting. They may as well be able to recite "bleep, blop, boop, burp, brop, bap, brur, bor, bee, boot" and it will be as useful (or not...) as reciting 1-10!

Firstly, thank you so much everyone. All your feedback and ideas, as well as the constructive criticism is really appreciated. Mumsnet is such a fantastic resource!

Sorry for not responding sooner - school run and nursery run!

To respond to some of the questions and comments:

• He doesn't go to a fancy private school, just a normal state school. But they are wonderful! 🙂

• His teacher has told other parents that the year group he is in are some of the brightest group she's ever had and therefore, I presume, this is how they have the resources to spare the teaching assistant for 1:1 with my son, as the rest of the class are performing so well. Although that is only my guess.

• He has had his eyes tested (including for colour blindness) and his hearing checked and all was fine.

• He has been screened for autism and there weren't any concerns.

• My younger son has definitely been grasping concepts earlier than my older son. He just turned 2 and I can see a stark difference in them. My 4 year old has always been more of an 'engineer' and loved to work things out but has never really had an interest in anything more academic.

• With regards to the screen time, it's a fair point! Neither of our children have a tablet (although I know plenty of the children who are doing brilliantly in school do have them!). We just don't want to have to argue with him to get him off of it, so are delaying getting one for him until he's older. The sun fish he learnt about when doing an atlas puzzle with my husband (this one https://www.amazon.co.uk/Orchard-Toys-150-piece-20-page-Educational/dp/B09S141P3T). The fact that anteaters carry their young of their tail he learnt from a programme called Wild Kratts that he likes (it's a lovely programme). His screen time seems normal for his age but I certainly take on board that if he is struggling at school then this should be decreased in favour of more hands on learning.

• He still struggles with confusing yellow and orange, and confusing grey, black and brown. Although he now understands the concept of light and dark colours ("my coat is dark green").

• With counting he would often say 1-5 and then confuse the rest. He seems to not care when I correct him and carries on with his version.

• With his reading books he just doesn't seem to keen on focusing on them. He doesn't want to blend the words and instead just tries to guess the words based on context. It is a nightly battle.

• He went to nursery since around 9 months. However, on reflection, I sent him to a nursery which revolved around free play and a forest school and they didn't really push learning numbers or colours. However, they did comment to me that they had concerns that he didn't ever want to join in with the activities such as story time and when they set out activities on those tuff trays. He favoured running around in the garden with his friends, being active and playing with toys. When it came to activities where they might encourage learning about numbers or colours he was elsewhere. Nursery also did voice their concerns about his lack of ability to recognise colours correctly at 3 years old.

• The question that really stuck with me that was asked was do I actually play with him? ... I'm concerned that the answer is no. He is a very lucky boy and has lots of toys and books but when he is playing, I can't say that I actively join in with him. I'm really disappointed in myself for this but it has definitely been an eye opening question.

Thank you everyone. If anyone has any input then please do comment as this has been truly helpful to me.

@Ohhmydays the Scottish education system is terrible so I wouldn't be bragging about it

You wouldn't expect a 4 year old to know red and blue? A 2 year old should know their colours, wtf

@Lougle He is very imaginative. Doesn't worry about things being lined up at all. Great idea to start mixing in colours and numbers into his love of superheroes.

OP when wll he turn 5? There can be a huge amount of difference between the older ones and the younger ones in a reception class.

I know it's hard to hear that he's behind, but the main thing is that the school are monitoring his prgress and taking action. Much worse would be them just leaving him to struggle and fall further behind.

My advice would be follow the schools lead on supporting his learning, and give him plenty of praise and lovebombing at home to keep his confidence up.