One child is capable of 11+ and the other isn’t

[anonymous06]

Hi,

I have a little dilemma though I knew to expect this from the start.

I thought I’d try my two kids for the 11+. They had their first lesson with a tutor and I was told one of my children doesn’t have the chance of passing. She’s had a bit of a troubled year 3 and she’s now year 5 and I’m not confident about her year 5 teacher. A few months ago we decided for her to not do the 11+ and she’ll thrive better in a comprehensive. Her dad thought it’s best to give her the opportunity but after her first tuition lesson, I was told she will find it challenging.

The dilemma is what do I do with my year 4 child who has had great feedback and I was told he has a chance of succeeding in the 11+.

I feel really sad for my daughter and had a positive chat with her. I even reminded her how happy she was when I told her previously she won’t be doing the 11+. She did get upset but was fine after a little while.

Now that I know which route to take, I’m worried about the journey to school if my son passes the 11+. We are 6 miles away from the Trafford schools.

My only other thought process is to sack the 11+ for both, and focus on them getting good SATs which can help them in secondary. The tutor advised to focus on SATs tuition with my first child, let the second child practise at home and revisit where he is around Easter. I agreed with this as I feel it makes the most sense.

Any thoughts?

Thanks!

I would let child nr 2 sit for 11+. Most secondary school pupils travel to school on their own so I wouldn't worry a lot.

Agree with the above poster

I don't live in a grammar school area myself but some of my friends do. IME if one child is capable of passing the 11+ and the other isn't they go to different schools. I don't know anyone who didn't let their brighter child attend the grammar school if they got a place.

Mine go to different schools. It has worked out much better. I would say is she wants to take the exam let her take it. Otherwise I imagine she will just hear that she is too stupid to even try and take it.

Don’t tutor for the SATs. This is a waste of your money, it is a test of the school so the primary act like they matter. All the comprehensive schools I know don’t use the SATs data to stream students, they do their own assessments. If your year 5 child needs maths /English tutoring, then go for that, but not for the SATs.

for the 11+, it’s really common for children in an area with the 11+ they go to different schools. Do give dc1 the chance to do the 11+ if they want, but for dc2 put them in for it if you think it would be the right school for them.

Let child 2 do the 11+.

The most suitable school for one child isn't always the same as for another child.

Treating them equally is not the same as treating them the same.

Definitely let DD2 try. You can't take an opportunity away from her on the basis that it's not open to her sister.

Of course let ds do the 11+, that would be so unfair to him.

Don't tutor for SATs. That's just the tutor trying to keep a customer. SATs are a test of the school not the pupil. Tutoring gives an unrealistic result to the school and is detrimental to thr child if it results in them having unrealistic goals set based on the SATs.

If you physically can't get them to different schools, you can't make a selective school take your older one who can't pass the test, so your younger one won't be able to go there either.

Otherwise I wouldn't worry. Your older child will be settled in school by the time your younger child gets there. It could actually be easier if they go to different schools, especially if the younger one is obviously more able than the older one.

Why don’t you let your dd continue with the tutor if she wants to, and also do practice papers with them both at home? I’m assuming your dd won’t take the 11+ till next September? If she eventually decides it’s not for her, that’s fine, and it certainly won’t have disadvantaged her, to have had a bit of tutoring, unless it’s making her unhappy, in which case she can stop! Your son can have tutoring next year if he takes the exam in 2026? I think it’s difficult with siblings to not do the same for both, if that’s what they want.

Grammar doesn’t work for all kids. A good friend of mine has twins in same situation - one went to grammar and one to comprehensive. Both now at uni and the one at comprehensive got better A level results.

You should think about which of your local schools is likely to suit your son best. If you think that the grammar school would be likely to suit him best, then the fact that a grammar would not suit your daughter is not really particularly relevant. As others have said, it is very common for one child to go to a grammar but their sibling not.

I would look into the journey to school as part of the decision on schools. If there is reasonable public or school transport then 6 miles is not an issue at all. If it is difficult to get to then that should factor in.

I live in a different 11+ area and it’s not unusual for one sibling to go to grammar and the other to a comprehensive. Not all schools are right for siblings and it sounds like this could be the case for your kids.

I wouldn’t be concerned about the distance as secondary school kids often take public transport to school but I’d be looking at how easy the journey is. Hopefully it’s something easy like walk-bus-walk with no bus changes.

I don’t think I would send them to different schools if there is a decent mixed school nearby, They would have have different life experiences which could impact on how they get on and surely their friendship is important too? I know siblings with one who went to grammar and one didn’t and it did cause distance.

I agree with the posters. Let the more able one sit 11+. It's a great opportunity and you might regret later if you don't. Visit your nearby grammar schools. Most of them have great standard of teaching, amazing facilities and a variety of interesting clubs. Children are also better behaved and cause fewer problems due to stricter rules/better discipline. It would be unfair to "race to the bottom" with the children. I would always aim higher because it's about their future. Does your daughter have any talents, e.g. musical, art?

I think it would be very unfair to a more able child to be refused an opportunity on the basis that their less able sibling can’t do it. I think it’s a recipe for resentment and children should be treated as individuals with differing needs and abilities.

I would probably let both children sit the exam though, so that your eldest doesn’t feel like she was written off. Just do it without putting any pressure on - reward effort not results. The tutoring will put her in good stead even if she ends up going to the local comp. Learning is never wasted, in my view.

I live in a grammar area and would echo other posters. We know of twins where one passed, one didn't, and loads of families with siblings in different schools - the parents have chosen the best fit for each individual child.

If one is capable but one isn't, don't deny the capable one a shot. One wouldn't stop a sporty or musical child from going to a specialist school, why isn't it the same for a bright child?

Hi, thanks for all the advice. I’m really at wits end right now as I feel sad for my daughter. I’m an ex teacher and I’ve seen the damage that the 11+ prep can do to kids who have parents that want them in grammar school but they don’t actually want to themselves. I don’t want to be going down that road.

The other issue is I haven’t managed to yet go to open days for the grammar schools so I’m going on this journey based on word of mouth. I started looking at local schools and I noticed a school nearby that offers wonderful options for GCSE that not one Grammar school offers.

Regarding the tuition for my daughter, she is behind in Maths but thrives in English - she takes after me! She has a huge lack of confidence in Maths and I want to use the tutoring to push her to where she needs to be and also build her confidence. My daughter loves the Arts - she loves English and reading, she loves being creative and writing narratives, she loves making things and she has art pads and sets for her drawings, she also enjoys subjects like History and Sciences.

I understand that I shouldn’t be taking away opportunities for my son but my kids are literally best friends. The love they have for each other is massive and they’re very close. They’re 11 months apart, and as much as they’re their own people, they love to be together. They’re in the same primary school at the moment, and each day the stories I hear from them after school is beautiful. I don’t want to create a wedge in their relationship.

The Grammar school route isn’t an easy one to get to, and I’m also thinking of the winter months too. There is a bus change as my child will have to go to the city centre first then take another bus and also involves some walking. We are very close to MGS but I don’t want to make a huge financial commitment as life happens and I wouldn’t want my child to leave a school because of finances.

Hopefully, I get more clarification soon and will take the opportunity to research local schools more. At the end of the day, not one person in my family went to Grammar or Independent and we’ve all succeeded with amazing careers. I want to cry! Lol..

Mine are 15 months apart...and fiercely competitive with each other...I actually found it easier when they were in different schools!

Good luck with the decision...I found the worst bit was the term in Y6 after the children found out which school they were going to...once September comes round, they all seem to settle into their new routines, find friends on the bus/trains etc...

There is no benefit of tutoring for SAT test outside school.

Reading between the lines @anonymous06 you don’t sound too sure about Grammar School anyway? Bright kids do well in good schools of any type

Deal with each child as an individual and look at what’s right for them. Picking a school for your DS based on what school your DD is going to is just wrong. They’re going to be apart for a year when your DD goes to senior school anyway. Your DD will be making her own way to school and have her own set of friends.

Mine go to different schools one is at grammar (oldest) the other is not and they are both thriving at the schools because they are at the right school for them - and they are both schools fit their needs perfectly

even if DD wasn’t at Grammar the high school she would have gone too would not be the best one for DS and I would have chosen that path for him

pick the right school for each child - don’t focus on them being together at the expense of finding the right school for them (if there is a choice) high school will have a lot less opportunities to be together anyway

DS has twins friends who are at different schools and it has been amazing for them

You get them both tuition and you treat them the same.

I cannot believe your default position was to take the words of one tutor after spending an hour with her - than to put best foot forward and find a good tutor who will work with your DD until she's ready to take the exam. You give her the opportunity and see what she can do with it.

The purpose of a tutor is to work with a child who is lacking (sometimes due to no fault of their own - I.e having a crap teacher in school) to improve their knowledge & to get them in the best possible shape to take the exam and then you wish them good luck and keep all your fingers crossed for them.

The purpose of a tutor is not to take an already very capable and bright child and coast along with them.

Your paying for a tutor to give extra help to a child who needs it - which in this case appears to be your DD not your son.

I feel like I must have misunderstood your OP because it sounds illogical to me.

The kind of feedback that tutor gave you'd expect after 6 months of working with the child - not one hour!