Nursery form teacher handed us a bag of poo

[ButterscotchWhip]

Right. I'll try to keep it short, but I don't think it will be.

DD has just turned 3. A couple of weeks ago she started in the nursery class of what I've now realised is quite a formal and strict girls' independent school. It is highly regarded locally, and me and DH loved it when we looked round, but I now fear I've done myself and DD up like a kipper sending her here.

She's fully potty trained but (my fault) I don't think I got her onto actual toilet training quickly enough. September has rolled around and she's just not 100% there on toilet training. I tell the staff this and they seem ok with it at first. I offer to send in her carry potty (which she loves and uses well) - they say no. The class is large, and the way they do toilet trips is to take a group to the loos and then the teacher stands nearby. It's just not enough support for DD, and she's had a lot of accidents there (for which we receive intense FIRST AID NOTIFICATION emails as they have to change her). Anyway, she's now never telling them when she needs to go, and she is running away from the loo at home saying she doesn't like the toilet (and started crying about it yesterday too).

We get an email from her form teacher this week saying she must now be in nappies during school time. DH emails back and says we certainly don't support this idea, she's on the right path but in a brand new environment, nappies will confuse her and send her learning backwards etc. He suggests that if this issue is one of a lack of resource / low levels of staffing, then that's a worry. He's not rude, just quite straight up.

The next morning at 9am, I receive a call from school saying DH must be collected and taken home for a bath as she's soiled herself AND they will not allow her back in school unless she's in pull-ups. I am not free to get her, neither is DH, but our son's carer/nanny is and happily collects her. She finds DD just needs a good wipe, not really a bath. Upon arriving at reception to receive DD, our nanny is given a binliner. It transpires this contains DD's soiled knickers, THE ENTIRE TURD, and all the wipes they have already used on DD's guilty bum (barf).

I haven't said anything in response to any staff yet as we already have a catch-up meeting, face to face, with the form teacher tomorrow. But presuming that they have a rubbish bin in school, I think the sh*t-bag might have been a thinly veiled message of hostility, no?

I am boggling from all this. Would genuinely love to hear what other MNers would do now!

We didn't sent our eldest to a pre-school for this reason. She wasn't ready on the independence front. Some kids are, some aren't. She is young in her school year and better in a nursery environment until reception.
Did she previously go to nursery? if so i'd pull
her out and go back a step.

This is uttterly bizarre. The child is three years old. Accidents are to be expected. It is a normal part of a child’s development.

Even at my 5 year old’s school he had a bit of diarrhoea one day and couldn’t clean himself up and the primary school TEACHER helped him with it, binned his (wrecked) underwear, reassured him this was all absolutely fine and discretely whispered something about it to me at the school gate.

I’d say if nursery staff are not equipped to deal with transitioning your child to a toilet in a new environment you will just need to switch nurseries as they sound like total amateurs.

It normal for independent school to expect children to be potty trained. What age does this nursery start? Nursery from 3 onwards expect the child to be potty trained. Under 3s may be more supportive. I think establish may understand that children may have accident from time to time but they wouldn't be expecting to deal wit potty training.

Well my son would have been allowed through their front door! 😂 I would def stick to your guns about not going back to nappies. I even found that if he wasn’t immediately taken out of his pull up in the morning he was reverting back. If you want her to stay at the nursery you may have to think about taking time off and working with her so she nails it on the toilet. Although saying that the only thing that got my son off the potty and onto the toilet was watching the other kids at nursery using it. Apparently one day at nursery he announced that he was going to use it too!

Are private schools above the law? Or is it that they hide behind ‘we’re Selective / Desirable don’t you know?’ as yet another way to subtly weed out anyone who doesn’t quite fit or will require just a little more work?

I mean - its sounds shitty (sorry for the pun) of them to send the poo back to you (must have been a mistake?) BUT, with all due respect - they said she needed to be fully potty trained and shes not. They really probably have no time to keep changing her. My kids school were also like this - fully potty trained or they couldn't start. I think perhaps this school isn't for you, time to look for a different school i think....

Your daughter is not ready for this setting . Talk to them about moving her. Hopefully they will agree that there is a mismatch and let you off giving notice .

They sound awful. Move your DD.

I work in a primary school and bagging up pants with poo/wipes in is policy. I'm not emptying your child's pants into the toilet, that's your job not mine. I also won't be putting stinky dirty baby wipes into the bin.

I'm happy to help children when they've had an accident but I'm not going to do anything with their actual poo.

To be fair to the private pre school, they specifically asked that children be toilet trained before starting.
An occasional accident would probably be fine, but it sounds as if your 3 year old is soiling herself on a daily basis.
And you also want her to be allowed to bring her potty in to school with her?
She's not yet mature enough to be in that environment, and you should probably have deferred for a year.

I'd try to get her out of there because I would be afraid of her not being treated kindly or even left soiled.

Poor thing. Sorry I would not leave my child there… that’s awful and can result in long term toileting issues

It sounds like a nightmare place!

What sort of people send turds home? Do they ride along on broom sticks?

It sounds like a return to the last century when children who wet the bed were made to wear their wet sheets on their heads to humiliate them.

I'm starting to feel quite weepy at the memory of the kind, sensible woman who ran my children's nursery back in the day. She would no more have snapped "that's your job, not mine" while handing over a bag of poo than she would have flown to the moon, and neither would any EY practitioner hoping to continue working under her.

When did they specifically ask? There was nothing in the starting school pack about toileting at all. It wasn’t mentioned during our interview. I agree with you though, she is probably too little.

Move her. Immediately.

Why work with kids if you feel so disgusted by their stinky, dirty accidents.

Speaking from years of experience working in all three types, prep school nursery classes are entirely different to state school and private nurseries. Notice I said the word ‘class’. In a prep school, the expectation is nearer that of a Reception class in state. They tend to have proper lessons teaching Maths and English, so toileting would be a serious inconvenience to them. In the preps I worked in, children had to be fully toilet trained.

Please move here as soon as you can as this can kead ti her withholding which then leads to constipation which can effect/affect her for a long time. My son is nearly 7 and has had an impacted bowel a few times and often still has really painful sore poos. It's just not worth it x

A TA is a Teaching Assistant. They help teach and should have at least Level 3 qualifications. It is not a TA's job to clean up shit. They are not nursery nurses.

I've just reread your OP @ButterscotchWhip and notice you've said she's stopped telling them when she needs to go. That makes me think they've told her no, she has to wait until the next mass toilet-going session, and then telling her off when she actually can't wait. Why would she bother communicating after that. It does sound as though she's being set up to fail. I think I would worry about that attitude more than the toileting issue itself tbh. Perhaps all of this is a blessing in disguise long term.

Ds had poo accidents up until grade 2/3. He has developmental trauma.

In Kindergarten they always sent home his poopy clothes in a bag. I was never offended. Sometimes I'd wash them and sometimes I'd just toss the bag in the compost.

It wasn't their job to deal with it. As he got older I packed extra clothes so he could change himself, or I came and helped.

I'm in Canada though so maybe it's different here?

In a school setting it is classed as clinical waste and requires a separate bin and a licensed waste contractor must be used to dispose of the waste, it is very different to a home setting. Schools can be fined for putting clinical waste in domestic bins, that is why soiled pants etc get bagged up and sent home (once any solid contents have been flushed down the toilet usually!).

My grandson is 2 .3/4 hes not potty trained yet ( parents been unable to do so until problem with his bowel is sorted) and goes to a fabulous private nursery, never had any problems they change his pull ups too.

I’d echo change to a different nursery whose policy is less strict. To be fair, they told you they only accepted toilet trained kids. When my kids were young, pre school was 2 and a half and they were very clear that children had to be out of nappies and able to use the toilet. Kids who weren’t ready couldn’t go. So try a different one who will accept your child.

Sorry edited to say didn’t realise they didn’t specify-but as it’s a school, I would’ve taken it for granted my dc would have to be able to use the toilet.