Teacher has told my son he can't play with his friend anymore

[RFinley]

My son is five and has just moved from reception to year 1. He has been close friends with another boy also 5 since pre school (so since 2) and I know his mum well. My son has come home from school very upset because he has said he has been told by his teacher they are not allowed to play together or be friends anymore. I approached his teacher to ask (they've only been in this new class for two weeks) and she confirmed they were having small fall outs so she told them it's better for them not to be friends or play together. The teacher did not bother to mention this to either parent. Obviously I am angry because this is impacting my son as he has viewed it as not being allowed to have a friend now (that he has had for a long time) and tbh I think it is juet lazy teaching because she can't be bothered to mediate normal 5 year old fall outs. Any advice? I've asked the teacher for a call.

Why have you asked for a call when they already spoke to you?

In most reception classes there are 30 children.

The children fall in and out on a daily basis.

It's the teacher's job to teach them. Yes, that means looking after their social and emotional welfare as well.

However at this age you often get "friendships" that are more like enemyships and every time the pair get together they wind up shouting at each other. It's simpler to ask them to stay away and play with other children than it is to constantly mediate.

She could be mediating twenty or more times a day and she's got a class to teach.

I've spoken to her briefly on an app to ask her about it after my son told me

Surely you explain to your son that he needs to play nicely with friends in school? I don’t think the teacher has done anything wrong, they’ve got a whole class to manage, and you’ve already spoken to them so what more is there to say really?

The problem I have is they didn't have this issue at all in any class and then first two weeks of the new class they have been split up and it is affecting my son outside of school as he has been very upset each evening and says he now doesn't have any friends

He will make new friends with the wider class soon enough, it’s not healthy to rely solely on one friendship. You can teach him this!

Even if they’ve had no issues before they have now, tell him he needs to act nicely with friends and he can be friends with everyone in the class anyway not just this one boy.

Hmm it does seem a bit extreme for the teacher to have told them that they can't play together ever again! Especially if they've only had a couple of minor fall outs.

I would want to know more too, is it worse than she said etc? Like you said they've been friends for a while and kids do fall out all the time so for the teacher to have said something like that would indicate a bigger problem. Maybe the other parent has asked the teacher to keep them apart?

2 weeks doesn't seem like a long time. However, they're falling out and arguing multiple times every day, and it's obviously taking up a huge amount of the teacher's time.

There are plenty of other children for your son to play with. An intense friendship like this is likely to cause more problems down the line, and you should be encouraging your son to play with other children.

At age 5 he needs to have lots of friends. I think the teacher may be in to something - rather than clinging to a contentious friendship because he doesn't have other friends, your son needs to branch out.

Kindly OP, a teacher has 30 kids and can’t be constantly meditating. At this age kids can constantly wind each other up and it’s really disruptive and so whilst it isn’t the best solution it’s sometimes all a teacher can do so that they’re not taking up all their time with petty squabbles.
And I would discourage you from going down the path of DS having and relying heavily on 1 friend. He needs to be encouraged play with a range of children. If your DS is overly reliant on this child, this could be part of the problem.

Do not reinforce his understanding by agreeing with him.
show him how to think differently
teach him there are lots of people to be friends with.

When children move class they often do a bit of push and pull as they explore other friends and prove they can manage without each other.

Help him be independent of his friend, reassure him they can still be friends but need to play with other people while they are at school for a while.

I would understand if this had been going on for a while but it feels like a quick fix for the teacher without giving any thought as to how it is affecting the children, it isn't teaching him to resolve or work through friendship disagreements himself it is teaching him to just avoid.

You don't know what the other mum might have said, I know with my eldest I had to speak with school and the teacher was in agreement that the other child was overbearing with mine. She separated them without telling the other parent I'd been in, giving very similar reasons.

If your good friends with the other mum have you asked her opinion on it? Her DS might have a different story.

I would ask for more info from the teacher about what’s happening BUT I would also encourage your DS to make other friends. We had an issue where DS had a best friend from nursery to about year 2 and then the other child made another best friend which ended up pushing my DS out but by that time all the other little groups had formed and he was pretty unhappy.

It's been going on for 2 weeks. In the grand scheme of things, that's nothing. But when the teacher is dealing with multiple argument and incidents every single day. It's more than enough time to suggest the boys look for other people to play with.

You can't always teach children to work through disagreements, especially when they're so reliant on each other. They're only 5, friendships really shouldn't be this difficult.

If she said something along the lines of, ‘you are falling out and coming to complain about each other every single playtime, boys-why don’t you try playing with other people?’

I think that’s perfectly reasonable.

I would say the teacher has seen something that's an issue and made steps to resolve it. You say you are angry as your DS can't have his friend, but the friendship is flawed, that's a bigger problem. Separating them now might save both your son and this boy a long time of unhealthy relationship

It sounds like the teacher is probably doing what she needs to do. If your DS and his friend are constantly bickering or arguing, then it can be very disruptive to the rest of the class. I'd let it go, tell your son to be nice to his friend and it'll be back to normal in a week.

His teacher has better things to do than to deal with two five year olds arguing all the time.

At that age, they should really be friends with everyone sing not just relying on each other - it's not healthy and leads to the exact kind of upset you describe.

My experience was that schools don’t always tell both parents the same thing.

I had to ask the teacher to separate my son and another boy for very good reasons and the school complied with my request and didn’t tell the other mum so she ended up complaining about bullying by my son when an explanation from the teacher that her son needed to play with others and why would have helped.

Are you sure that the other mum didn’t complain about yours and ask for them to be split? Are they friends because the mums are friends or would they have found each other in a group setting ? If the boys are very different then it’s another reason to consider making extra friends before one of them expresses not wanting to play with the other.

It’s healthiest to have a group of friends than one best friend because kids get ill, move and missing out on other friendship opportunities is a shame.
I understand why your son misunderstood his teacher but the teacher is right about making other friendships imo. When kids bicker a lot (and I assume that the boys bicker more than most for the teacher to say what she did) a break from each other can work wonders. (I don’t mean a permanent break , I mean for the rest of the day or whatever) If your son needs support with making new friends then the school can hopefully help.

Hmmmm I reckon it might be more than you think. First it’s not normal for him to have just one friend in his class in year one and it’s a good thing that he is being pushed to extend his social network. Second you don’t know what the other mum thinks or has said. If she’s your friend she won’t raise it with you but she might have said to the teacher to keep them apart as she is concerned about them becoming codependent. Third, the teachers might have noticed an unhealthy dynamic there with one child dominating the other and think splitting them would be best.
Teach your son to be more resilient and make new friends. He can always see the other boy in his free time if they’re such good friends.

Your son and his friend were falling out repeatedly. The teacher has separated them, to ensure her class runs smoothly.

Tell your son that he has to play nicely in school, and arrange for the boys to see each other outside school instead.

Your ds has an opportunity to make new friends and broaden his social experience. It doesn't sound like a problem to me.

I've done the same. My DD was being suffocated by her friend and her parent was almost encouraging it.

It isn't healthy for five years olds (or anyone tbh) to depend on one other person

I wouldn't be at all surprised if the other child's parent has asked the teacher to separate them. Her child may be coming home upset by the fall outs with your son. I would encourage your son to play with other children - at this age it's much better for him to have a range of friends rather than one intense friendship.

You are determined to find the teacher at fault here, despite what posters are telling you. Children fall out and in again with wearying rapidity. They also misinterpret what they are told. You are getting second hand from a child what his teacher said. Yes, ask for a call but make it clear you want to support your child in making good choices. Really listen to what the teacher tells you about the dynamics of this friendship in the classroom.