Teacher has told my son he can't play with his friend anymore

[RFinley]

My son is five and has just moved from reception to year 1. He has been close friends with another boy also 5 since pre school (so since 2) and I know his mum well. My son has come home from school very upset because he has said he has been told by his teacher they are not allowed to play together or be friends anymore. I approached his teacher to ask (they've only been in this new class for two weeks) and she confirmed they were having small fall outs so she told them it's better for them not to be friends or play together. The teacher did not bother to mention this to either parent. Obviously I am angry because this is impacting my son as he has viewed it as not being allowed to have a friend now (that he has had for a long time) and tbh I think it is juet lazy teaching because she can't be bothered to mediate normal 5 year old fall outs. Any advice? I've asked the teacher for a call.

I suspect the other mum has spoken to the teacher and asked they be separated. The teacher is trying to be diplomatic.

For the sake of harmony I wouldn't go chasing the other mum for an explanation. Just accept the new situation and support your DS to accept it to.

This is your role.

I'd tell him to play with his friends who ever that may be but if he is falling out to find someone else to play with

This really is the job of parents. There is no way a teacher should be expected to have such heavy involvement in children's friendships. The teacher needs to focus on teaching and maintaining a positive learning environment, not mediating in fights multiple times a day.

So has he been aboe to make any friends himself at school?
Does he get invited to parties?
Could his friend/friends mum want him to branch out?
About 1/3 of each of my dc classmates have left before y6 so i wouldnt rely on just one friend.
Plus although a long way off - secondary depending on area the kids may not all go to same one or very common have loads of classes so cant guarantee which kid from primary they are with..

Do him and friend not play in a wider group at playtimes

Aside from this i do feel schools are a bit much on the splitting kids from 'too close friendships' see it all the time when moving between classes, some friendships are picked on and whereas teachers pets have carried on together all 7 years... Whilst i agree some could seem too close just moving to another class isnt great for the less outgoing kids as they end up with fewer froends each year and actually create isolation.

can't be bothered to mediate normal 5 year old fall outs.

Thats Exactly what she's doing

Play nicely or play withsomone else

Perfect

I think it's wrong for the teacher to have told them they can't be friends, that's not her decision, however, if they are causing problems she could tell them they can't sit together etc. I would ask for a meeting to clear it up properly and find out what has been going on and also talk to the other parent.

Remember that the teacher has 30 kids in the class. If you think you can do better then retrain as a teacher.

friendships can be outgrown. Maybe one child is now making new friends and doesn’t want his old friend hanging about.

invite other kids over for play dates and help your child make other friends in the class.

suggesting kids take a break from each other is fine. Think about that person in the office who is annoying and you wish you could professional say f** off
little kids don’t understand all the mediation and forget

speak to the other parent

If they can’t play nicely in school they need to avoid.
Teach your son how to manage this rather than adding to the teacher’s problems.

I reckon the other mother has spoken to the teacher

When is the teacher supposed to teach anything if they are mediating every small fall out between 30 five year olds throughout the day?!

Have not read through all the posts however you have already spoken to the teacher, it sounds like it is probably causing a lot of drama in the classroom and it's not lazy teaching, they probably have around 28 other children to see too, it could be that the other child is wanting to play with other friends and your child is getting upset, could be a number of reasons.

Its perfectly normal for 5 year olds to have one best friend and focus on that friend so don’t listen to that OP. If your child is that upset by this situation then you are fully within your rights to find out what has happened so you can properly support your child to move on from it.

It really isn't normal for a 5 year old to just focus on one friend. They usually flutter between the whole class.

Hmmm lots of judgy comments on here that are not helpful.

I had to deal with a similar situation last year with my DD and her long term friend. Some of its an age thing, they start squabbling etc.. My DD was very upset after she interpreted what she was told by the teacher as not being allowed to play with this friend. That wasn’t actually what she was told and I had a chat with the teacher to clear it up. I’d have a face to face chat with teacher and discuss your concerns.

Sometimes they just need to be encouraged to play with other children (not end a friendship or stop playing with said friend altogether) but the teacher needs to be wary that this message could come across negatively if not handled sensitively. It shouldn’t be a huge deal, and yes teachers have lots of kids to manage day to day but that’s why they have TAs and it’s part of the job.

No they really don’t. It’s very normal at this age.

I worry about the lessons potentially learned from exposure to the idea that other people can decide who you get to be friends with. That's the sort of thing a manipulative child can easily take advantage of.

I don't understand people defending the teacher. I get that the teacher has alot of children to manage and it's not an easy job but telling a 5 year old he is not allowed to be friends with someone is unacceptable. Separating them if they're not getting along and having them in different groups is fine but saying they are not allowed to be friends is very strange for a teacher to say. I'd find that weird and would be asking the teacher for a call or meeting

It isn't teaching him to resolve or work through friendship disagreements himself

Perhaps that could be your job?

DS was seperated from his preschool
friend at Reception for similar reasons - when they have fall outs like that they can’t really study together. DS is in a private school so there’s the benefit of seperate classes (and the kids can then play at breaks) but in a state school where you have all the kids in one room it’s probably easier if they don’t interact.

Making a mountain out of a molehill here. Children fall out and in on at least a daily basis. Leave them to it and make only positive, neutral suggestions to your son. Otherwise you are making a lifetime rod for yourself.

For his sake, you need to encourage your son to make other friends. If they are falling out a lot, it may be that the other child doesn’t really want to be friends with your son and is rejecting him.

I think it depends, children at that age fall out all the time. If she’s separated them it may be because it’s got quite bad.

I would also say my DD was split from her best friend this year when they mixed up the classes, I think this was probably a good thing. Her teacher was quite fond of her so I don’t think she would have suggested it unless she thought it was important as I know other kids who moved with friends (they said they try to do this). She’s a lovely little girl but I think Dd benefited from being in a different class, they still have playdates etc perhaps you could arrange a playdate and see how they behave together.

I think it depends on the child, I know my DD will have a few main friends but will then join games with other kids if it looks fun. She has a best friend but she didn’t always play with her. Some of her friends stick to their small group. It’s a personality thing.

I’ve taught children where it’s constant falling out and with a class of 30 it becomes really hard to keep spending time sorting it out. I wouldn’t say don’t be friends anymore but I would say play with someone else and have time away from each other until you can get along.

I find parents hold onto ‘they’ve been friends since they were 2’ and it pushes children together who might not have ended up as friends.