I’ve done a terrible thing (re dc education)

[NC001]

I’m prepared for a proper roasting and so have name changed for this.

A bit of background (without being too outing)
My dc1 has been through the mill in regarding upbringing - social services involved due to domestic abuse etc.
Dc1 couldn’t speak until age 5. Grew physically quickly so was the size of a five or six year old when they were 3. Often got ridicule from extended family that dc couldn’t talk , dc is very big etc Always said by relatives in an unkind manner. Low expectations due to dc dad and what dc had been exposed to.
Very low income family and have faced a lot of associated adversity.

I was determined to prove them all wrong and have tried as much as I could to support dc in their education (not tuition but trips to museums libraries reading to them often etc as much as I could , swimming , rugby etc etc. Everything I could that I didn’t get.)

I felt the only way to “success” , and for dc to have a better quality of life would be for dc to become a high earner, and they would get all the things I couldn’t provide.

Like most children , dc didn’t have a sense of direction - career wise and I felt they needed a focus to work towards as dc wasn’t a genius but in their teachers words “always does just enough , never pushes themselves to do more, which they are more than capable of”.

I wanted my dc to be a high earner. To have everything I didn’t have and couldn’t provide. To not feel like I did. I didn’t go to university myself - I was actively discouraged by my parent. I had a similar childhood to my dc but we are financially a lot worse .

I said it was good to have a goal to work towards to keep them motivated.
Dc expressed interest in finance when asked what career they were thinking of . (In year 9). This was largely because my sibling has seemingly made a lot of money in that sector. However, that sibling told me that to earn the higher amounts in finance it’s not about the hardest worker or the most capable - it is more about does your face fit . Can the directors see themselves playing golf with you or a trip to the theatre or pub? This is how you get promoted to those higher salaries. A lot of schmoozing etc. My sibling said medicine was global and a job that a lot of white people don’t want to do - so better chance of earning more without the office politics that goes on in other fields to get ahead . You get ahead on WHAT you know , not WHO you know (unlike finance etc)
(we are of Indian origin) I also didn’t want dc to do finance as so many of my cousins children are doing it (and doing well) I wanted my dc to achieve what others didn’t - to be a
a a doctor which has always been seen to be higher in status . (It’s an Asian thing, I’m not sure why)

So yes, I essentially pushed
/ actively encouraged my dc down that path. They initially said finance. I told them what my sibling said. I said why don’t you look into medicine and if it’s not for you then so be it. Just try - ( I heard how difficult it was to get in so didn’t think dc would get in because they never have shown giving 100 percent .) Dc looked into it and found that sciences were more interesting and dc is stronger in the sciences than maths. DC liked the idea of helping others and making a difference. This appealed to them- probably because of my own health struggles and the impact it has had on all of us.

However dc started reading blogs etc and said mum medicine isn’t what it was, and it’s not the career to make money. I said medicine is global. You’re not restricted to the nhs and there are so many varying roles if you do stay. Dc said the rise of the physicians associate and the support they get over doctors and this is branching now into hospitals further made dc feel low about it.

Fast forward dc got fantastic GCSEs, ucat and alevels and got four offers to study medicine.

Ive been reading threads on mumsnet , fb, online etc and it’s made me feel thoroughly depressed. What have I done? My dc has been through so much - that I have put them through and now I am pushing them to this??

Dc is due to start their course in a few weeks.
I have said to dc as far as I’m concerned- you’ve made it. You’ve achieved what so many of our doubters (cousins) didn’t achieve with their children who have had money thrown at them from a young age. You don’t owe me anything. I want you to be happy and healthy and to have choices that high earnings give.
Dc hasn’t said anything but has thrown in the odd comment of telling others not to study medicine etc.
I did say look, if it’s not for you - please don’t suffer in silence . You can do something else. I’m hoping you would be looked at as a favourable candidate for other courses. Don’t do it for me. You have done all I wanted I also said you’re not restricted to the nhs - medicine is global and as far as I’m aware - it’s high earnings abroad. I’ve said what will make you successful in anything is passion and drive.

(Dc really has had a pants upbringing and I really worry about how this will affect them . I had a rubbish upbringing and have very poor health because of it)

I know I am a shitty parent - but this wasn’t my intention. I don’t want my dc to suffer. I want them to be happy.
How do I fix this?
What are the right things to say??
What do I say or do?
I worry they won’t tell me if they’re unhappy and this is really all my fault.
Constructive advice most welcome.
thanks for reading.

I’ve just read this back and missed don’t something quite important.

When dc was having a wobble about doing medicine (year 11) I said “I want you to become a doctor to prove to my doubters I’m not a failure . That my dc has become something despite everything.”

(This was really difficult for me to write but I have to be complete truthful on what I’ve said to my dc )

@NC001 , I’ve been aware of quite a few Indian parents who used some dreadful methods to push their offspring towards medical school.
My elder son is a GP he was super high achieving at school and medical school was not an issue for him but practicing medicine is tough.
Your child is an adult, be there and be supportive but let them go. To be honest you’ve done enough interfering.

FWIW I don't think you're a shitty parent 💐

Think of all the things your DC has experienced because you fought this hard, broke previous trauma patterns, and intentionally loved and nurtured them in this way.

As humans, and parents we all make mistakes. I think having a drive and focus really centres you as a teen, and you've helped provide that! I also think any young person raised with as much exposure to the world as you have given them, is perfectly capable of making decisions - even difficult ones - for themself. Be open, and honest, about how you may have gotten it wrong and pushed too hard in one direction. You'll love DC even if their path changes. TBH there are plenty of other careers smart med students can move into if it's not for them!

I also grew up in not great circumstances and am trying to break a trauma cycle for DC. I remind myself daily that I don't have to be perfect for it, and I definitely won't get it right all the time, but DC will have a better childhood than I ever did. If he occasionally thinks 'mums a bit strict' or even 'she really messed up... but then apologised' it's infinitely better than 'mum was abusive'.

At this point I think the best thing for you to do is to just stop talking. You’ve brainwashed and gaslit your child into a life of your choosing, and now you feel guilty, you’re actually looking for advice on how to make them ‘decide’ to change their career which you knew they never wanted. If you do manage to convince him you were both wrong after all, and make him doubt his medical career and restart into finance, will that make you feel less guilty? You’ve brought your child up to believe that his achievement in life should be making his mother proud, and after all he’s done for you it’s still wrong

What does he want to do? What were his real interests and enthusiasms at school? If you hadn't pushed him into medicine, what would he have chosen?

Well, finance is a popular career for doctors who decide to leave medicine and they are highly sought after… There is also the option to swap courses or leave with an intercalated undergraduate degree without completing the MBBS. In fact, I believe some universities offer intercalated degrees in business/management to medics.

I don't think that you should say anything at all, I think that you should take a step back and leave things to unfold as they will.

I think that the important thing now is to let your offspring fly the nest.

If he/she is about to start a degree in Medicine, he/she is a grown-up and in a position to make the decisions which are right for him/her.

It is possible that he/she may decide to change subject during this year, but that will be after getting good advice from tutors at the University.

Let them have this opportunity to step out into the world and decide their own future.

Don't pursue any more conversations along the lines you have outlined. That's all about yesterday. The best thing you can do now is to prepare him/her for a positive future, so throw yourself heart and soul into giving him/her a great send off to all sorts of adventures.

I don’t understand why you think a child from a poor background can’t do something when your sibiling from a poorer background than your child did exactly that?

Apologise to your child. Tell them good luck, if they continue in this direction or change their mind in the future you will not question or support them. Get some counselling to undestand the damage you have done. You don’t let your child be abused/emotionally abuse them yourself for 18 years and then suddenly stop.

Firstly I think you sound an excellent Mum.You have pushed through the barriers ,and got your child "on" as my DGM would say! My own Son was pushed by me, to go to Uni and has done well .He is a Chemist in Industry, and earns well in an interesting job.Do I feel guilty ? Ermm no! and neither should you .Medicine is a wonderful career and your DS sounds great.Pats on backs I feel!

Dear lord op, I didn’t think I’d ever come across anyone more manipulative than my own mother! And that’s exactly what you’re doing. You’ve decided to control every aspect of your son’s life, and done it so slyly that you’ve actually managed to convince yourself, and him, that all of this was his idea. Leave the poor boy alone ffs

Just thought I’d throw in the idea of biomedical sciences - gives lots of opportunities to take medical career paths, some in the doctor type role but also labs etc. you don’t have to decide a route for the first two years. You said he liked science so would be the right direction but he could then decide once on the course whether he wants to move towards medicine or toward other science based roles.

There were quite a few students at my medical school who had been pushed into it by family. Very few of them finished the course. Medicine is really something that you have to really want to do.

This.

OP all you can do now is keeping telling your DS that he can change courses if he wants to.

Your poor child.

You are extremely selfish.

You suddenly feel guilty and right before they are due to start a massive task WHICH YOU PUSHED FOR YEARS you go oh don't worry about it please make me feel better now you can do what you want.

You pushed your child for years to study medicine when they didn't want to.

Where was your guilty conscious then.

Of course your dc isn't going to tell you what he really thinks after years of manipulation

Are you sure that they're not just getting cold feet regarding uni in general? I remember calling my family to come back and get me once they'd dropped me off! It could just be nerves.

I think that it takes a lot of courage to admit what you just have. We all make huge mistakes in parenting and it's easy for others to judge I guess when they can't quite admit to themselves where they've gone wrong.

A little pushing is necessary. A lot of pushing can cause a lot of problems. Children may feel inadequate and have self-esteem problems when they fail. You can tell that there's a lot of love there from you and you've done your best. Better than most I'd argue. You've said that they can change their mind, now step back and allow them to process that and think about what they want to do.

You aren’t a shitty parent at all! You have done an amazing job to help DC to such incredible success through terrible adversity. You should be very proud of yourself.

Now your next step should be to sit down with DC and ask what they really want to do. Go through the pros and cons of each option. It’s not too late for them to change their minds and follow a different path. My DD18 is doing this, she’s just declined her course and is reapplying for next year.

Your DC has the grades for medicine. They can do anything! And that is thanks to you, so now help them to find their dream and follow it.

Sounds to me like you wanted dc to be respected and held in high regard instead of their early life experience. You must love them very much, and have felt desperate for them to have a better life. DC sounds bright enough to make their own path if they want to, as long as they know you’ll never be disappointed by them.

I know dozens of people who did one year of medicine, realised it wasn’t right for them, and changed courses to something else. All of them are in well-paid careers a couple of decades later. As long as your DC knows they have options, they’ll be fine.

I think people are being way too harsh. OP you aren't that unusual. Except the difference is you have realised what you have done and feel ashamed. It isn't too late to heal things with your DC. As the very wise pp says above, lots of people change uni courses. Being accepted to medicine is amazing so many options will be open.

I strongly disagree with those above saying don't say anything more. Apologise. Take ownership and admit your errors. Tell them you love them no matter what and you want to break the cycle.

All you can do now is stop being an idiot and tell your child you love him whatever he earns and just want him to be content whatever he ends up doing. Honestly this is a backstory for ongoing misery and dissatisfaction for this poor guy who just wants his mum to love him. Fwiw i'm a dr and if i'd been doing this for the money or to please someone else I'd be a fool and wouldn't have survived it.

It really isn't that easy.The UK is pretty unforgiving if you choose the wrong degree because you usually don't get funding for a second degree.
I think medicine is a quite a slog with lots of stress, and poor work life balance, hard enough id that's what you are totally passionate about.I thi k it is totally wicked to live vicariously through your child because you want to get one over on your sibling.
Finance is nothing to do with maths.You need more maths in science than you do in finance, so you have steered him wrong there too.

Maybe step back and stop being so controlling, your child is not a piece of clay to mould to what you think.

You are not learning just let them be, and this is not as harsh as it probably should be

I know quite a few people whose family pushed them into medicine.

It's a brutal career. Very hard work, no work life balance et all. If you work in the NHS you have to take regular rotations and move. For what you have to give to it it's badly paid - finance is much better paid.

Like the parents of my friends, you want the reflected glory and they don't really get a choice.

If you have now changed your mind and genuinely want your dc to decide there's nothing you can say at this point that will work.

They are used to you seeing them as a way to get back at other people and not as a person in their own right.

There is nothing wrong with saying ‘I have had a change of heart, do whatever you want to!’
The fact that he got into medicine was enough to bring you to your senses.
You are trying to impress people you don’t even like, and using your son to do it.
Stop.
Put it right.
Tell him to rethink, and do whatever he wants. Good luck.