I’ve done a terrible thing (re dc education)

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I’m prepared for a proper roasting and so have name changed for this.

A bit of background (without being too outing)
My dc1 has been through the mill in regarding upbringing - social services involved due to domestic abuse etc.
Dc1 couldn’t speak until age 5. Grew physically quickly so was the size of a five or six year old when they were 3. Often got ridicule from extended family that dc couldn’t talk , dc is very big etc Always said by relatives in an unkind manner. Low expectations due to dc dad and what dc had been exposed to.
Very low income family and have faced a lot of associated adversity.

I was determined to prove them all wrong and have tried as much as I could to support dc in their education (not tuition but trips to museums libraries reading to them often etc as much as I could , swimming , rugby etc etc. Everything I could that I didn’t get.)

I felt the only way to “success” , and for dc to have a better quality of life would be for dc to become a high earner, and they would get all the things I couldn’t provide.

Like most children , dc didn’t have a sense of direction - career wise and I felt they needed a focus to work towards as dc wasn’t a genius but in their teachers words “always does just enough , never pushes themselves to do more, which they are more than capable of”.

I wanted my dc to be a high earner. To have everything I didn’t have and couldn’t provide. To not feel like I did. I didn’t go to university myself - I was actively discouraged by my parent. I had a similar childhood to my dc but we are financially a lot worse .

I said it was good to have a goal to work towards to keep them motivated.
Dc expressed interest in finance when asked what career they were thinking of . (In year 9). This was largely because my sibling has seemingly made a lot of money in that sector. However, that sibling told me that to earn the higher amounts in finance it’s not about the hardest worker or the most capable - it is more about does your face fit . Can the directors see themselves playing golf with you or a trip to the theatre or pub? This is how you get promoted to those higher salaries. A lot of schmoozing etc. My sibling said medicine was global and a job that a lot of white people don’t want to do - so better chance of earning more without the office politics that goes on in other fields to get ahead . You get ahead on WHAT you know , not WHO you know (unlike finance etc)
(we are of Indian origin) I also didn’t want dc to do finance as so many of my cousins children are doing it (and doing well) I wanted my dc to achieve what others didn’t - to be a
a a doctor which has always been seen to be higher in status . (It’s an Asian thing, I’m not sure why)

So yes, I essentially pushed
/ actively encouraged my dc down that path. They initially said finance. I told them what my sibling said. I said why don’t you look into medicine and if it’s not for you then so be it. Just try - ( I heard how difficult it was to get in so didn’t think dc would get in because they never have shown giving 100 percent .) Dc looked into it and found that sciences were more interesting and dc is stronger in the sciences than maths. DC liked the idea of helping others and making a difference. This appealed to them- probably because of my own health struggles and the impact it has had on all of us.

However dc started reading blogs etc and said mum medicine isn’t what it was, and it’s not the career to make money. I said medicine is global. You’re not restricted to the nhs and there are so many varying roles if you do stay. Dc said the rise of the physicians associate and the support they get over doctors and this is branching now into hospitals further made dc feel low about it.

Fast forward dc got fantastic GCSEs, ucat and alevels and got four offers to study medicine.

Ive been reading threads on mumsnet , fb, online etc and it’s made me feel thoroughly depressed. What have I done? My dc has been through so much - that I have put them through and now I am pushing them to this??

Dc is due to start their course in a few weeks.
I have said to dc as far as I’m concerned- you’ve made it. You’ve achieved what so many of our doubters (cousins) didn’t achieve with their children who have had money thrown at them from a young age. You don’t owe me anything. I want you to be happy and healthy and to have choices that high earnings give.
Dc hasn’t said anything but has thrown in the odd comment of telling others not to study medicine etc.
I did say look, if it’s not for you - please don’t suffer in silence . You can do something else. I’m hoping you would be looked at as a favourable candidate for other courses. Don’t do it for me. You have done all I wanted I also said you’re not restricted to the nhs - medicine is global and as far as I’m aware - it’s high earnings abroad. I’ve said what will make you successful in anything is passion and drive.

(Dc really has had a pants upbringing and I really worry about how this will affect them . I had a rubbish upbringing and have very poor health because of it)

I know I am a shitty parent - but this wasn’t my intention. I don’t want my dc to suffer. I want them to be happy.
How do I fix this?
What are the right things to say??
What do I say or do?
I worry they won’t tell me if they’re unhappy and this is really all my fault.
Constructive advice most welcome.
thanks for reading.

I don't think you are a shitty parent, I think you were doing your best but went about it the wrong way projecting alot of your own feelings on to your son when it wasn't about you.
That said, some kids need direction. If you hadn't steered him towards medicine it sounds like he would have picked finance but even that was influenced by you.

I have an Asian dad and he only ever talked about me becoming a doctor - I have no idea where the obsession comes from in Asian families. He also used to say I wouldn't get the grades, I wasn't bright enough and yet I got all top grades for everything, a 1st at uni. I only pushed myself to get those grades because I wanted to prove him wrong. I also decided to study a fashiom design degree (my passion) and went on to have a successful career but he only really supported that once I got my 1st and even now he will only say i"m "quite talented." My mum on the other hand never pushed me and I could have easily not tried so hard so I do think having pushy parents sometimes helps.

I didn't read all of your post but frankly leave them alone. I'm a doctor - if they hate medical school they can either drop out or transfer to a different course. Changing course to a biological science would be very easy. If they graduate with an MB ChB they don't HAVE to work as a doctor - it's a great degree and would be respected in many graduate entry programs. Or they could be a doctor - it's bloody tough as a junior but a lot better as a consultant. Let them decide. I just hope they've left home so they can mature & make their own mind up.

I’m sorry but I can’t believe posters are defending the OPs manipulation of her son. If it was a dad doing this no way would the posts be the same. I mean come on - telling her son he has to do it to prove she’s not a failure?! OP you’ve behaved badly. Take a step back now and let your son develop his own path. He might enjoy medicine, he might not, but just be there to support him and when all this comes up in years to come do no manipulate him further and own up to your bad behaviour.

You have done the best you can with your experience and knowledge. That's all any of us can ever do.

You want your child to have opportunities and that's understandable. Just step back now and let them figure it out. You have helped them develop the skills now they need to work out where they want to end up.

And stop listening to your family! Be proud of your child for being who they are and make sure they know that's exactly enough.

In all of your OP you haven't actually said what your son would like to do now? You know that you have emotionally blackmailed him into this path and can see the error of your ways which is good but where does he go from here? I presume he wants to do Medicine?

Medicine is a long hard course and being a Dr is gruelling and low paid in UK and I imagine he’d need to do at least a year or two here before having option to go elsewhere (and do you want your DC emigrating to say New Zealand). Your DC is obviously bright and hard working and if they can get into medicine what else could they get into course wise? Maybe they should take a year out to think, consider and apply for something they’d rather do. I’d dispute what your siblings said re finance, huge sector, very lucrative, some jobs are shmoozey but many are very results based and many big city firms have schemes to promote social mobility and get broader talent pool. If interested in sciences maybe a 3 year biomedical sciences degree which could lead to pharmaceutical or bio tech jobs (also big money) or into city.

You sound amazing. Your son is in a wonderful position where pretty much all careers are open to him!

Amongst my peers the Dr friends are the least well paid and work the hardest! No bonuses or fun perks.
another thought I think going to best Uni would have more currency than specific course, ie if they could get into Oxbridge to do something better than medicine somewhere else

I don't like the sound of you, far too pushy, controlling and interfering. Please, for the sake of your dc, step back and let them get on with their own life now. You've already meddled too much and if you carry on with this 'trying to help' approach you'll just make them resent you more than they may already do. Indeed, it will be your dc or future dil on mn in the future posting about how you won't allow them to get on with their own life!

You are really punishing yourself OP and I think you should stop doing so. No parent is perfect, so let it go now, you can't change the past. What you can do is explain to your son that you have been reflecting, that you think he may have doubts about doing medicine and that it's ok with you for him to change direction at any point if that's what he chooses to do.
He is clearly very intelligent. Are you sure he's completely against medicine? I assume he had 4 interviews to get those 4 medical school offers, so surely he demonstrated aptitude and enthusiasm for medicine? You say his negativity is stemming from reading blogs online, maybe he will decide to try the course and judge for himself,
I actually think that you've had a hard time, maybe you're panicking as this is a time of transition and change for both you and your son. Remain calm and believe that things will work out one way or another, because they will.

Time to step back and get out of the way.

You've done what you have done. Your dc will figure out their own path.

I work with a lot of doctors, many leave the profession after a couple of years and work in associated fields. If patient care is not for your dc, they will have many options open to them. Let them find them in peace.

Beat yourself up if you will (I would) but do it in silence and away from your child.

If he is not interested in medicine as a career I would advise him to do something else.

I tried to talk my DC out of doing medicine but DC really wanted to do it. So that is what they are doing.

You will need to help him financially for 6 years too on top of the student loans.

They can choose to exit after three years with a degree and pursue a related career. Maybe help them do some research about the different possibilities.

You have done amazingly well with this child given all the challenges they have faced.

In 2024 the additional 5 years of debt not to mention uni living costs etc will be a millstone around their neck.

Also the higher earnings later in life don't make up for the shitty pay in the first few years. By the time a doctor makes a decent salary they're mid-30's. When other people already have their house deposits and are thinking of starting families.

I'm also of Indian origin, could have done medicine but chose not to. Studied finance, went into tech and earnt 6 figures in my late twenties, north-west, had my first porperty at 25.

Also adding my high earnings so early enabled me to step back a bit in my career with kids when they were small. Not a concern. For your son being a man I guess.

Even in the supposed migratory heavens like new Zealand and Australia a lot of posts are in rural areas where nobody else wants to live. They recruit from abroad for a reason.

There's are loads of other careers which pay well

It sounds to me like your guidance of your son has been with good intentions. In my experience it's normal in some families for career choices and achievements to be really enmeshed between generations in a way that is quite hard for people from other families to understand. Sometimes love for children and wanting the best for children seems to be expressed by very high expectations of grades and specific careers. I find it quite hard to understand personally but I have seen it in other families so it's not just you. In combination with the difficulties your immediate family has faced I can see how you could have felt extra pressure.
I'm sure all of us have said things to our children at times that we regret. Hopefully you've also said lots of other supportive things too but are now dwelling on the specific thing you said which you wouldn't have said with hindsight rather than all the other things you said.
You wouldn't be here posting if you didn't really care about your child's well being.
I wish you and your child all the best, others have given some helpful advice about other options with medical degrees etc.

Also to add OP not steering your son away - I just think, if money is all you want, there are better careers than medicine. And/or finance.

There's no denying though that once you get to consultant level up, earnings are guaranteed. Especially with the growing private medical sector in the UK. It's just the slog to get there.

Even with finance roles like investment banking, many earn their Megabucks and then quit. A large amount of money earner earlier in life is worth more than the same amount earnt later... And of course they know how to invest for good returns

Medicine is not fir the faint hearted. If he got a place he has done well, and will have alternative options, but don't start if he is not committed. Dd has several medic friends and the course is tough going and placements can be variable experiences.

My dc have friends who did medicine. Not all are practicing, hands on doctors now. Two are in research. One is lecturing and one works in Paris with WHO. Leave them now to get on with it and then can sidestep into something else if they so wish. I am always amazed at how Asian parents can persuade their dc into high flying stuff. I couldn't persuade my kids to pick their stuff off the floor!! They all very definitely had their own minds but might have gained from a pushier parent.

First if all you sou d like a brilliant supportive mum who jas helped your DC aim high and achieve huge amounts. Well done

Secondly a lot of people drop out of medicine in first year as they decide its not for them. Don't worry it is not unusual for this to happen. DD was dating a first year med student who decided towards the end of the year was far better suites to chemistry. The university let him switch without any difficulty.

Your dd will be able to make her mind up better once she's jad a taste of the course and what's involves.

You said no judgement but I will judge.. you did a great job and your dd will thrive either way.

I get it OP. I have Asian family - and they are 9/10 drs! If I see one more FB post from my dsis about her son at medical school 😜.... It really is a cultural obsession. As long as your ds really understands that the pressure is truly off - that's all you can do now - otherwise leave off the advice and steering from here on. Very easy to switch courses if he wants.

Yeah my Dh ended up dropping out and doing a different STEM degree he actually wanted to do. I think for him it wasn’t his parents (they weren’t pushy with school either tbf) , in those days teachers assumed that clever brown kids wanted to be doctors and he got shoved that way. Zero interest in medicine wasn’t a consideration, theres a fair few who either carried on and are miserable and others who dropped it and did well elsewhere.

Sit him down and be honest and say, “I pushed you into medicine because I didn’t want anyone to think I was a bad mum or a failure, I messed up, if you still want to do finance then please do it”. He can still switch, if he’s got the grades to get i to medicine there will be plenty of courses that would welcome him with open arms. It’s fixable. He may actually be quite relieved.

Also take the lesson from this and don’t do it again, don’t try to curate his life to look how you want it to look. It’s his life and he must be able to choose what it looks like. Take pride in being a supportive mum who is building an honest and healthy relationship with your child.

FGS, the thread title implies you forgot to apply for a school place and he's already 8yo or something actually terrible. Getting into medical school, when not 100% sure if it was your or your mums idea applies to about 1/3 of medical students. It doesn't sound like you directed him away from a particular passion or interest, rather that he might just have bobbed along otherwise. It doesn't sound like he was forced, just encouraged.

"Dc looked into it and found that sciences were more interesting and dc is stronger in the sciences than maths. DC liked the idea of helping others and making a difference. This appealed to them- probably because of my own health struggles and the impact it has had on all of us."

Yes you projected onto him, but would he be better off with a family who still mocked and underestimated him - you have protected him from all of that as well.

Whatever he chooses to do now, you have got him to a good place with a lot of choices. As long as you are kind and supportive if he does choose a different path now, that's great.

Good luck to him and to you.

You realised early on that your son needed to get a good education in order to get into university. You spent time bringing him to places of interest. You encouraged him with homework and probably got him extra support or tutoring when it was required.
You always talked about him becoming a doctor and now you think he is doing this course because he got the grades and it's the course you wanted him to do.

Now your son is leaving home for university and doctor training. If this course is not for him so what the can change and that's his decision. You need to tell him this.
If he decides to change course let him do this and don't worry about what family members will say. His good grades will help him do this if he wants.

Getting a good education gives your child more options and opportunities at this stage and further down the line.

I know several parents who realised this. They encouraged and helped their children to do as well as possible for their abilities so they could go to university or get into other course or apprenticeships.

Oh and your family are horrible and you should hold their opinion on anything in absolutely no regard.

Realisitcally... he/she'll either love it, and while your manipulation is frankly awful( though understandable) it has got him the place at Med school...OR... medicine is not for them and they will drop out, feel horribly guilty but hopefully find their own way without you saying a damn word!

Medicine is intense, brutal and a very long hard slog. My DD1 is a doctor. It was ALL she ever wanted to be from a very young age and she still found it very hard work, and still does... her life is medicine. It contributed to her marriage failing ( they are never home, long shifts, endless exams not just as a student but for YEARS as a junior doctor) You have to REALLY want it to get through the minimum 7 years (5 med school then F1,F2) before you can even think about specialising. You get moved all over the place too. It's hard.

Maybe they will love it. But if they don't, you apologise, TRULY apologise and tell them you were wrong and let them find their own way without a single suggestions from you.

And for God's sake ignore family!