I’ve done a terrible thing (re dc education)

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I’m prepared for a proper roasting and so have name changed for this.

A bit of background (without being too outing)
My dc1 has been through the mill in regarding upbringing - social services involved due to domestic abuse etc.
Dc1 couldn’t speak until age 5. Grew physically quickly so was the size of a five or six year old when they were 3. Often got ridicule from extended family that dc couldn’t talk , dc is very big etc Always said by relatives in an unkind manner. Low expectations due to dc dad and what dc had been exposed to.
Very low income family and have faced a lot of associated adversity.

I was determined to prove them all wrong and have tried as much as I could to support dc in their education (not tuition but trips to museums libraries reading to them often etc as much as I could , swimming , rugby etc etc. Everything I could that I didn’t get.)

I felt the only way to “success” , and for dc to have a better quality of life would be for dc to become a high earner, and they would get all the things I couldn’t provide.

Like most children , dc didn’t have a sense of direction - career wise and I felt they needed a focus to work towards as dc wasn’t a genius but in their teachers words “always does just enough , never pushes themselves to do more, which they are more than capable of”.

I wanted my dc to be a high earner. To have everything I didn’t have and couldn’t provide. To not feel like I did. I didn’t go to university myself - I was actively discouraged by my parent. I had a similar childhood to my dc but we are financially a lot worse .

I said it was good to have a goal to work towards to keep them motivated.
Dc expressed interest in finance when asked what career they were thinking of . (In year 9). This was largely because my sibling has seemingly made a lot of money in that sector. However, that sibling told me that to earn the higher amounts in finance it’s not about the hardest worker or the most capable - it is more about does your face fit . Can the directors see themselves playing golf with you or a trip to the theatre or pub? This is how you get promoted to those higher salaries. A lot of schmoozing etc. My sibling said medicine was global and a job that a lot of white people don’t want to do - so better chance of earning more without the office politics that goes on in other fields to get ahead . You get ahead on WHAT you know , not WHO you know (unlike finance etc)
(we are of Indian origin) I also didn’t want dc to do finance as so many of my cousins children are doing it (and doing well) I wanted my dc to achieve what others didn’t - to be a
a a doctor which has always been seen to be higher in status . (It’s an Asian thing, I’m not sure why)

So yes, I essentially pushed
/ actively encouraged my dc down that path. They initially said finance. I told them what my sibling said. I said why don’t you look into medicine and if it’s not for you then so be it. Just try - ( I heard how difficult it was to get in so didn’t think dc would get in because they never have shown giving 100 percent .) Dc looked into it and found that sciences were more interesting and dc is stronger in the sciences than maths. DC liked the idea of helping others and making a difference. This appealed to them- probably because of my own health struggles and the impact it has had on all of us.

However dc started reading blogs etc and said mum medicine isn’t what it was, and it’s not the career to make money. I said medicine is global. You’re not restricted to the nhs and there are so many varying roles if you do stay. Dc said the rise of the physicians associate and the support they get over doctors and this is branching now into hospitals further made dc feel low about it.

Fast forward dc got fantastic GCSEs, ucat and alevels and got four offers to study medicine.

Ive been reading threads on mumsnet , fb, online etc and it’s made me feel thoroughly depressed. What have I done? My dc has been through so much - that I have put them through and now I am pushing them to this??

Dc is due to start their course in a few weeks.
I have said to dc as far as I’m concerned- you’ve made it. You’ve achieved what so many of our doubters (cousins) didn’t achieve with their children who have had money thrown at them from a young age. You don’t owe me anything. I want you to be happy and healthy and to have choices that high earnings give.
Dc hasn’t said anything but has thrown in the odd comment of telling others not to study medicine etc.
I did say look, if it’s not for you - please don’t suffer in silence . You can do something else. I’m hoping you would be looked at as a favourable candidate for other courses. Don’t do it for me. You have done all I wanted I also said you’re not restricted to the nhs - medicine is global and as far as I’m aware - it’s high earnings abroad. I’ve said what will make you successful in anything is passion and drive.

(Dc really has had a pants upbringing and I really worry about how this will affect them . I had a rubbish upbringing and have very poor health because of it)

I know I am a shitty parent - but this wasn’t my intention. I don’t want my dc to suffer. I want them to be happy.
How do I fix this?
What are the right things to say??
What do I say or do?
I worry they won’t tell me if they’re unhappy and this is really all my fault.
Constructive advice most welcome.
thanks for reading.

No I don't get how it is understandable at all

I'd suggest your DC looks into a decent careers advisor. Someone impartial who could help him with sound advice and properly understands the careers open to him and the pathways to get there.

Loads of people do it OP. You sound like an excellent parent, be honest with them. Own up to your ‘mistake’- say sorry, I’ve pushed for this because I wanted you to do well. How do you feel about it? Do you want to study something else? What exactly is ‘finance’. I imagine it’s much easier to get into that than medicine? Prepared to be wrong lol

On reflection, I'm wondering whether there is a deeper aspect to the way your thoughts are going at this point.

I think that it can be a difficult moment when offspring leave for university, but I suspect that you are feeling a sense of loss which is particularly intense and which may be linked to the difficulties you have outlined.

Is it possible that part of your mind is drifting towards presenting these thoughts about medicine perhaps not being the right option to your DC in the hope that he/she will suddenly stop and perhaps decide to take a year out, re-applying for a different subject while continuing to live at home?

I'm wondering whether the sense of loss is so intense that your mind is searching for ways of soothing the pain and has come up with perhaps sowing grains of doubt about your DC going to University this year.

You don't say anything in your post about you as a person, what your hopes and goals are, how you spend your time, who there is who is close to you and can support you.

I wonder whether you are frantically looking for a way of filling the months to come, having put your heart and soul into your child.

Could you invest in yourself at this point and look at the advantages of this moment being like a fork in the road?

You've done everything you can for your child- what can you do now for yourself?

Back off.

Tell him it is his choice. Tell him it is his life. He has no obligation whatsoever to live out your ambitions.

Apologise for the years of manipulation (however well meant) and recognise it’s going to be very hard to undo. In his heart of hearts he now knows that the mother he loves will be sad if he doesn’t follow the path she mapped out for him. And because he loves you he will try to please you.

A gap year to earn some money for university and reflect on what he really wants would do him the world of good.

He’s bright, hard working and has excellent grades. He has a lot of choices open to him and plenty of time to decide.

Wow, I couldn't imagine putting my child through so much immense pressure. I would go no contact with my parents if they tried it.

If your child is basically now an adult, they are capable of making their own decisions. Even as a 16yo doing GCSEs, they can respond to a "I want you to study medicine to prove to my doubters my child can make something of themselves" with a "well tough mum, I don't actually want to study medicine though". Or "with respect mum, that's about what you want, not what I want, and it's my life".

One thing I'd say though is that studying medicine these days saddles you with a lot of debt. So unless your child is intending to do the academic bit and then leave ASAP to somewhere where practicing medicine actually pays, I wouldn't recommend it as a career in the NHS unless you're basically a selfless masochist. My sister is in her thirties, and has just left being a GP for alternative private medical work as she was burnt out in the NHS GP land.

How old is your DC now? Presumably an adult and able to make their own decisions.
I think you should just let them know that whatever they chose to do in their life you will support them and then back of and let them choose.

I grew up in a chaotic background, but we were not poor. My sibling has received inheritance that I was excluded from.

i have apologised to them a number of times and I told them I will support them in whatever they choose and I will love them unconditionally. I don’t think they believe me. I only have myself to blame.

i agree with a lot of posters who say stop talking. I’m messing my child up- not intentionally

Yes they did say initially they didn’t want to, and I said read up and see how you feel. They then said they want to help and make a difference, and found human anatomy interesting. They did wider reading in their own time. They have fantastic qualities. Very mature and empathetic .But then they also at time pepper it with negative things too. So I said then don’t do it.
But they say they don’t want to do anything else and I fear it is because of me they won’t . Or maybe I’m overthinking it. They are strong willed but I also know they care about me and I don’t want them to sacrifice their own happiness for me. I don’t want that as I have done that for my parent. I messed up I know , i hate myself a lot for this . I’m thinking of damage limitation. I think I will 1) make clear my apology, 2) highlight my gross imperfections as a parent and 3) reinforce that whatever they want to do - I’m behind them 💯 because I am. 4) keep my mouth shut

which I have done with my parent! I am disgusted with myself. I just don’t get why I didn’t see this as clear as I see it now. I’m not going through what I was going through at the time where my life was falling apart so I focussed on this. I know my intentions were 💯 good - the way I did it was just shameful

Let yourself off the hook. As pp said, everything you’ve done was done with the best of intentions.

The ‘bad’ parents I know don’t have your self-reflection or honesty. And even they aren’t ‘bad’ - they’re just doing what they think is right for their child.

Well done to your ds for his incredible academic record. Both you and him should be proud. He has clearly worked very hard.

You obviously have a lot of self-doubt right now, but I would caution against making your regrets his problem. Reading your post, I’d be wary about making your about-turn all about you. By that I mean avoid trying to seek his validation and reassurance about your previous actions. That would be really unfair on him, and would be a continuation of a dynamic in which his actions meet your emotional needs.

He may love medicine. Lots of people do.

But I would say this to him ‘I’m so proud of you for getting into med school. I hope you know that I will 100% support you if you decide that medicine isn’t for you. Obviously you’ve always known how important this became to me - I’m so sorry for any pressure that’s caused you. You will be an awesome doctor but then you would be an awesome anything.’

If your child is basically now an adult, they are capable of making their own decisions

Theoretically. In practice, they'll struggle to work out what they want, having not been allowed to want anything growing up, pushed in a direction of someone else's choosing all the time. Made responsible for someone else's feelings. Made responsible for pleasing wider family too. A "keeping up appearances" and "what will other people think" approach to life ingrained in you from an early age doesn't lend itself to trusting your instincts and working out what's best for yourself in adulthood.

Even as a 16yo doing GCSEs, they can respond to a "I want you to study medicine to prove to my doubters my child can make something of themselves" with a "well tough mum, I don't actually want to study medicine though". Or "with respect mum, that's about what you want, not what I want, and it's my life".

Not a chance. Not if they've been manipulated since early childhood, programmed to do what someone else wants, they can't. That's the impact growing up with that kind of emotional abuse has on a person.

OP this doesn't mean you need to step in with suggestions etc. You need to step back. You ask how you can make it right. By leaving your son alone, that's how. What you actually mean is "how can I make it right for myself? How can I make these feelings of guilt go away?". The answer is you can't. You certainly shouldn't try to do it by manipulating your son further.

Imagine having been pushed in a particular direction all your life and told it's the only way. Then, just as you're about to embark upon what you've been brainwashed into, you're being told to back off and reconsider. Essentially, all of a sudden you're supposed to do something different to please the pushy person, the person you've been programmed to please. What a headfuck. "You can do whatever you want" when it comes with a side order of "but I've wanted you to do xyz since forever to make me happy" doesn't actually feel like much of a choice. Saying it once during a serious conversation, with good intentions of righting past wrongs, that's one thing. But saying it over and over is just more manipulation, a way of making him responsible for his own unhappiness if medicine doesn't suit him, because he "chose" it.

You've done whatever damage you've done OP and you can't undo it. Just back off and leave him alone and stop causing harm. He's on the cusp of adulthood. Hopefully he'll figure life out and get to discover himself at university and undo for himself some of the damage caused him in childhood. Without you interfering.

Get some therapy yourself to help you do this. I've heard of some manipulative people where they fully admit they don't even realize they're doing it half the time and it's taken therapy to start them on the path of being able to recognize when they're trying to manipulate someone again. Perhaps this is you 🤷. You're not irredeemable since you've enough self awareness to realise you've done it, enough compassion to recognise it as wrong and you have a desire to change. If you work on yourself now you'll open yourself up to having a better relationship with your son in future. If you don't, you might continue to manipulate him in his life choices, with disastrous effects.

I'm a doctor and I love it.

I'm also from a fairly shitty background. I think those of who have the toughest childhoods probably enjoy medicine the most, because we're properly prepared for it.

I had to work 18-24 hours every week (mostly shift work) to afford to live, on top of my full time course hours, so when I qualified and had to work 70+ hour weeks, it didn't phase me one bit. My colleagues who'd had everything easy, really struggled.

I had a £100k loan, so the option to jack it all in and do something else wasn't there for me like it was for some colleagues whose parents would fund them to retrain. I had to get on with it and make the best of it, which meant I just accepted and enjoyed the work instead of wondering 'what if?'

You need a lot of resilience and determination to succeed, but those from less privileged backgrounds tend to have more of this anyway.

In short, your DC will probably find themselves well suited to medicine and the pit falls described by other doctors recommending people don't apply to medicine, probably won't apply

(This is not to say it's all rosy, there are still shit bits, but overall it's amazing and it suits my skill set😊)

It's not like being a doctor is a bad thing!
Don't go overboard the other way either - now that she's accomplished what you/her set out to do don't let it lose the shine. Just be proud of her - no matter what.

First off, you aren’t a failure! You’ve supported your child against the odds. I would be 100% honest with him that on reflection you worry you didn’t give the best advice. That you really mean it when you say he doesn’t have to keep doing this if it isn’t for him and that you are so incredibly proud of all he has already done. For what it’s worth, having enough is important but after a relatively modest salary happiness rates don’t increase. So being a high earner is not be the only route to a good and fulfilling life.

Bless you OP. For what it’s worth, I think admitting past mistakes is the single biggest factor in whether adult relationships are positive. It’s when you’re gaslit by your parents that it’s hard to keep a relationship.

To quote a Phillip Larkin poem - they f* you up, your mum and dad. They don’t mean to but they do

You are not the first and you won’t be the last. Try to let go of your adult child’s choices. Let him make his own mind up and own your mistakes. It’s clear you love him very much.

This was a tough read and though some of the language you expressed to DC seems shocking, you will actually find a lot of parents do this, perhaps not to this extent. I would not beat yourself up for wanting your DC to have everything you didn't. Every parent on here wants that. Countless threads here on private/grammars issues and the fear of going to a 'bad' school is because parents either want for their DC what they never had or want them to have exactly what they had. And if everyone is honest, they all want their DCs to be high earners with a reputable profession. I am guilty of pushing my DCs more than perhaps they are currently capable of because I want them to have more opportunities than I did. This was more about sports but I had to learn to relax a bit, stop comparing with others and let them find their way. However, in your case he wasn't choosing between being a shop worker and a lawyer, he wanted to do finance instead of medicine. And the reason you pushed him to the latter was purely based on cultural/family influences. This is extremely prevalent in asian culture and I know you're not alone. Many parents in this situation find it hard to separate what's actually best for their child from the status it brings to the family. Many parents will push their kids into medical school for the same reason but will not openly say to the DC they have to do it because otherwise, I, the parent, will look like a failure. This is where you went wrong. It is really hard to not give a s* about what your social circle will think especially in your culture, I've witnessed it first hand. It's very competitive. I think the fact you have realised it and told DC to do what they feel best is a great turning point. You can't change the past but look forward and support no matter what. I think important to remember we need to encourage and open up opportunities as much as we can but also that children are not born solely to fulfil our ideal of what we should have had or what we would want for them.