Oh wise, wise people. Can you help me learn diplomacy skills before my meeting with ds's head teacher tomorrow? Please???

[avenanap]

Ds, as you may be aware, was blessed with a few too many brain cells and very little social skills. The head basically told me I should pack him off to a strict boys boarding school at the end of last term. Their idea of supporting him was to tell him off constantly. I have been helping ds at home over the holiday and he is an almost reformed character. Ds is moving to a new school in September so, in an effort to make sure he's treated fairly in the current school and not told off for trivia (talking at lunch time etc), I am refusing to take him back. I have emailed them with my concerns regarding ds, they have asked me to go in tomorrow, they are offering to look after ds whilst I am chatting with the head. They "look forward to seeing ds tomorrow". I have no diplomacy skills, the head has previously told me ds is opinionated and uncaring. I got the impression that he didn't want ds at the school anyway so I thought I had done them a favour. How can I tell the head I don't think he knows what to do with a gifted child, that his methods are barbaric and do not follow my childrearing philosophy?

If your DD is happy then it would be unfair to move her.
I never go by reputations, they are often inaccurate and way out of date.
The only way to choose is to visit the school on a normal working day and make up your own mind.
Certainly if I was paying for education I would expect the behaviour of all children to be good-after all they have the luxury of being able to ask them to leave.

seeker on Wed 16-Apr-08 18:48:43
" "some state schools can be very good" Well - that's lucky for the 97% of the population who go to them isn't it!"

I was just trying to point something out gently to the OP, who seems to have a very negative idea of the state school system.

Personally, I would never dream of sending my child to anything other than a state school, I am a strong supporter of the state school system, am very happy with the education my children are receiving (and wouldn't have the money to pay for private education anyway).

But I got the impression that Avenap does not share my views.

Sorry, cory - it was my soapbox tendency coming out again! And if I had thought for two seconds I would have remembered that you have joined me on the soapbox in the past!

I just get SOO cross with the "my child is bright so private school is the only way" attitude you find on here sometimes.

Sorry again. And I got my percentage wrong as well!

I get the impression that there are quite a few mothers on MN who were privately educated themselves and who have a fear of the state sector.
I must admit that I was prejudiced/worried before my DS started at his state school and those worries have been completely unfounded except perhaps the too large class sizes (the other side to this is that friends with children in private schools worry that their children don't have enough friends to choose from and are a bit sheltered for secondary school).
Good luck avenaanp in whatever you decide.

I have looking into my local state schools, they are all full due to the vast amount of new houses that have been built where I live in the past few years. I have thought about moving but we are settled here. I have found a new school for ds but he's at the current school for a term. I was just asking of a diplomatic way to get some support for him from the school he's at now, it's in everyone's best interest that his last term there goes better than the last two. If there were space in the local primary I would have moved him there. He did have problems in his first school, it was before the Gifted policy was introduced so things were alot different and there were severe behavioural problems with some of the children in his class, there was a 4 year old who threatened to throw the teacher out of the window and others that were hitting and kicking the other children.
There have been a few parents complaining about the school ds is in at the moment but it is hard to say what exactly is going on. The last head left rather quickly and annoyed alot of parents in the process. I have listened to some of them and it has clouded my judgment. As far as ds is concerned he doesn't fit in very well, purely because he sometimes forgets to engage brain before opening mouth (probably gets this from me !). He's confident and has opinions that are sometimes not the right ones. He's not a quiet child but he always behaves in class. I don't think it's a bad school (despite my moaning), I think that ds sticks out like a sore thumb though. I have also listened to too many negative opinons from other people and have not seen the bigger picture. I didn't go in with guns blazing, I listened, and we reached an agreement (head's suggestion) that the teachers would warn ds to stop if he was stepping out of line then send him to a neutral teacher so that he did not feel like he was told off by the same two teachers all the time. Thankyou for your help and advice. It has been very stressful. As a parent I have no idea what happens to ds at school. All I hear is him coming home and telling me about his bad day, frequently. When other parents confirm this it's easy to make assumptions and become upset. I should have remembered that there's always a better way to go about things but I didn't. I have now though and everything's ok. I shall take less notice in the future.

You also need to remember that what seems a major incident to a child can be merely someone looking at them the wrong way. My ds comes home moaning about school and what a bad day he's had, and on further investigation this is him being told off for talking, or not being able to sit by someone he likes; or he says he's being 'picked on' by a teacher, when actually he's talked across the teacher and forgotten his homework and been given a telling off or a detention. If he'd done that in my class, he would have got the same treatment.

Anything that punctures their egocentric view of the world makes then think they've had a bad day...you should hear my lad when I forget to record Dr Who or Torchwood for him. You'd think someone had died. A child's sense of proportion is totally different to ours; what we would shrug off or ignore seems like the world is ending to them. you have to learn to ignore the histronics and try to pick the bones out of what they're saying and assemble an accurate picture. Then, and only then, take action if necessary.

nb: as was stated in an earlier post, there is the issue of low level disruption with kids. Any time taken out of a lesson to have to shush someone, or deal with minor but irritating behaviour is time wasted teaching and helping the students to learn. If your ds is doing that, then he would be in trouble, as mine is; both at school, and then with me, as I know what a PITA it can be to deal with.

He's fine in class as far as I am aware. I have asked his teacher and been told that he has no problem with him. I do tend to take most of what he's saying with a pinch of salt. He's at the age where he's stretching the truth a bit but there are other parents commenting on how much he is being told off because their children are telling them. I've turned into one of those nurotic (sp?), overbearing parents that I hate! I took the head some flowers to apologise and thank him for being patient.

It sounds like you are feeling a lot less stressed avenanap- good for you.

Thankyou. I have stopped listening to the gossip mums at school.

Do they really have a no talking at lunchtime policy? How strange.

Only particular teachers. His class teacher has confirmed this, so I know this is true. ds was shocked when he went to visit his new school, told me all about it, "I had loads of food and I could talk, it was great!".

Glad that things are going better aveanap. Btw, even if your local state schools are 'full', your child has a right to be educated in the maintained sector so I wouldnt be put off too much.
Rose - your post earlier was spot on. IME probably the biggest downside to a private education is that it can leave a person with a fear of state education, and sometimes an insecurity that they only achieved what they did because they were in a very rarified environment. I'm not saying everything about private schools is negative at all - I'm simply saying that I've met a number of people who have totally unfounded fears about the state sector, and some who really feel that they've only got where they have in life because they had a very sheltered experience.
Re the Gifted and Talented policy aveanap, you may find that this is very well catered for in your state schools. Not all private schools have a policy, maybe because they are selective in the first place so they are teaching a narrower ability band and there is less motivation to differentiate. DS's school has a very impressive G and T programme; he has 6 week courses every so often which focus on a specific theme or issue and really challenge him. He is also a very bright child but not an easy one as he can be very intolerant of situations which he doesnt find challenging and interesting.

You may also like to consider that some of us who teach in the state sector choose to educate our children privately, as we can see the advantage of more focused teaching because the discipline is better in private schools; most of the parents value education; and there are smaller class sizes. I was state educated from the ground up, and my ds has never been to a state school, apart from a take your child to work day with me.

We also appreciate the wider curriculum, the space, and the afternoons spent playing sport, which doesn't happen in the state sector.

I maintain that if what aveanap is saying is true about the school - the silent lunchtimes, the ineffective head, the shouting, the lack of encouragement, the lack of consistency as regards discipline, the gossiping, unhappy mums - then, this is not as she later backtracked 'a good school' nor is it the sort of school that anyone in their right mind would or should be paying for. As the earlier poster suggested, she has a responsibility to document and report these concerns which will surely be of concern to other parents too. I continue to find it very, very strange that anyone would choose this school and continue to pay for it. The point about choosing to pay for private education is that you get something(s) that you cannot get in state schools - smaller class sizes, better results, better discipline, more attention etc.

back to the OP can i just say that i remember quite clearly being at secondary school and the inconsistencies of many teachers to behaviour

i was permanently top of the class in most subjects and found the work fairly easy. i was generally well behaved, not a swot and liked to have a laugh too.

however because is was from a "good home" and was "clever" i was meant to "know better". If i even so much laughed or spoke out of turn i would be bollocked. However other girls in the class could fling bananas around and climb out of the window with the teachers barely noticing / pretending to ignore them.

it was ridiculously unfair and i really resented it.