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Original poster

Oh wise, wise people. Can you help me learn diplomacy skills before my meeting with ds's head teacher tomorrow? Please???

115 replies

avenanap · 14/04/2008 22:58

Ds, as you may be aware, was blessed with a few too many brain cells and very little social skills. The head basically told me I should pack him off to a strict boys boarding school at the end of last term. Their idea of supporting him was to tell him off constantly. I have been helping ds at home over the holiday and he is an almost reformed character. Ds is moving to a new school in September so, in an effort to make sure he's treated fairly in the current school and not told off for trivia (talking at lunch time etc), I am refusing to take him back. I have emailed them with my concerns regarding ds, they have asked me to go in tomorrow, they are offering to look after ds whilst I am chatting with the head. They "look forward to seeing ds tomorrow". I have no diplomacy skills, the head has previously told me ds is opinionated and uncaring. I got the impression that he didn't want ds at the school anyway so I thought I had done them a favour. How can I tell the head I don't think he knows what to do with a gifted child, that his methods are barbaric and do not follow my childrearing philosophy?

OP posts:
mrz · 15/04/2008 20:53

Sorry but I'm struggling with asking for help from a charity to "I was raised to never moan or ask for things" sorry forgot your memory difficulties.

Hallgerda · 16/04/2008 07:56

As I said earlier, I too am sceptical on this one. Where's all the money coming from for the courses and the school fees? And where exactly is Avenanap - her location, and that of the school to which her child will be moving, vary between threads. (She?s in an inner city area where the state primary schools are simultaneously good but completely full and failing, and the private schools all only go up to 13 so the pupils can go on to Eton. In Nottingham. Which isn?t multicultural. Or is it Derby? )
There can't be many places on which one can live and afford school fees on £25k (the good income she will have when she has her good job after the latest qualification) - as for £0, we're in fantasyland (where the kids all go to boarding school I'm afraid).

I do not believe that any real private school would be cutting her so much slack. Or recommending, when it must be clear she can't pay the fees as it is, that she sends her child to a presumably more expensive boarding school.

Don't start me on the radio station, the hamster, the academics willing to travel miles to chat to her child or the deleted thread asking for examples of bad parenting...

AbbeyA · 16/04/2008 08:56

I still don't understand why her profile states that she has no children and yet last time I asked the question she said she had a nine year old son.

scaryteacher · 16/04/2008 09:02

I understand that it can be frustrating to deal with a school, and that you feel that you have to fight your child's corner, but there are ways to do this; and I think posting as she has done will put people's backs up.

When I had to step in and deal with a bullying issue at ds's prep, I wrote a letter, saying I knew he was no angel but... and I saw the head, got it sorted and there was no reoccurrence. I think if you go in and show you are a reasonable human being, and accept that your child can be at fault, then you are more likely to get a reasonable response.

I had a year 7 tutor group, and was told that one child was a nightmare. Actually, he was lovely, and no problem...what was holding him back was his Mum and her constant intervention in what we did.

Sixer · 16/04/2008 09:13

abbeya, this is the same on mine. I have 2 DS, however when i completed the profile, it just kept coming up no children. A MN problem. In fact i shall try to change mine now

AbbeyA · 16/04/2008 09:26

Thanks sixer-I haven't done a profile so didn't realise there was a problem-it seemed very strange!!

BeauLocks · 16/04/2008 09:46

No one is bitching at you. Far from it Scaryteacher's long post was excellent and full of constructive comments. If you see that as bitching then you are mistaken.

I don't think you should go to the meeting. It will be a waste of time for everyone and I suspect the school only called the meeting so that they can assure themselves that they have done what they can.

My advice would be to move on. This is not the time for recriminations and arguments with a school your son will no longer be attending. Put it down to experience.

alfiesbabe · 16/04/2008 11:40

This thread has become very confusing! The one thing that's clear though, is that you are unhappy with the service you are getting, you know in your heart that it is not the right place for your child, and therefore you are doing the right thing by moving him. Don't go in all guns blazing and call the head a tosser (even if he is ) because that will make you look ridiculous. There's probably no point in trying to negotiate money back either - private schools usually expect at least a term's notice and wont give you a refund. IMO many private prep schools have a narrow ethos - they can be fine if you 'fit' the mould, but tbh your ds is more likely to flourish in a more 'normal' environment - after all, you are preparing him for real life!! The idea of a boarding school sounds way off the mark - and if the head thinks this is a good idea then maybe you're right - sounds like a bad error of judgement!

scaryteacher · 16/04/2008 11:50

If there isn't a male role model about, then boarding school can be the answer. Several Forces families go down this route for both continuity of education, and especially for naval families, the male role model can be necessary.

If I could get ds to agree to go, I'd send him to one as I think it would benefit him enormously.

alfiesbabe · 16/04/2008 11:56

I agree boarding school can be the best solution in rare situations, but I was going by the OPs info on her ds, which describes him as bright but with some social issues. Boarding would be a huge pressure for a child like this, and if he gets told off for talking at lunchtime etc then imagine the stress of 3 meals a day in school!!
I know a lot of bright kids who thrive much better in the more 'normal' environment of a good state school, with a supportive family to come home to at the end of the day. A school with lots of petty rules about talking at lunch etc may suit kids who are very compliant and unquestioning, but wouldnt be right for many others.

scaryteacher · 16/04/2008 12:10

The point of boarding school is that it is a home away from home, and the kids can and do talk at lunchtimes, that is part of the socialisation.

Having taken kids away for school trips, the problem is not that they talk, we all do at mealtimes, but the volume at which they do so. I taught at a boarding school, and ds's prep was boarding and day, and the noise was at a reasonable level at meal times. I can't imagine that any prep would have petty rules about not talking at lunchtime, just about the volume and the manner in which you express yourself. Talking with your mouth full springs to mind, as does talking so much that you don't finish your meal and hold up the clearing away process.

Rose99 · 16/04/2008 16:53

I feel a bit sorry for avenanap-it sounds like she is under a lot of stress and we can all write strange things under those conditions.

I agree with alfiesbabe's comments. Just walk away from this school as quickly and calmly as possible- it just hasn't worked out for whatever reason.

I would look at some CofE or other caring state junior schools. They are used to a wider range of behaviour and may have a more tolerant, pastoral approach. The discipline at my DSs state school is excellent with a really clear "card" system that they all understand and seem to respond to. At the same time, they also reward good behavior such as giving out stickers to the quietest tables at lunch time rather than a shaming approach.

mrz · 16/04/2008 17:20

but not my school pleeeeeeeeeese

cory · 16/04/2008 17:21

I think Rose's suggestion might be good. Even if you have had bad experiences with the state system in the past, some state schools can be very good. It might be worth having another look round, just to see if maybe you've missed something the first time, or if any local school has maybe pulled its socks up/got spare places where they didn't before.

Boarding school can work very well, but there are also cases where it doesn't work out. The disadvantage is that it can take a long time for a parent to find out if things aren't really working as they don't see their child every day. But the greatest problem, of course, is the cost.

Anyway, it does sound like you've got to the end of the road as far as this particular school is concerned. Best of luck with finding a better one.

seeker · 16/04/2008 18:48

"some state schools can be very good" Well - that's lucky for the 97% of the population who go to them isn't it!

Rose99 · 16/04/2008 18:56

I think it's 93% actually (pedant).

seeker · 16/04/2008 18:59

Stand corrected!

I don't know - home educated then private school and I make an elementary mistake like that!

Original poster
avenanap · 16/04/2008 19:02

Thankyou for your help.

OP posts:
fivecandles · 16/04/2008 19:28

I'm just really struggling to understand why anyone would pay to send their child to a school which they don't like. Especially if what avenanap says about the head is true. Also, if there really are teachers who don't know how to discipline their students and who are 'crap'etc etc perhaps you should report this all to the independent schools equivalent to OFSTED. I thought the point about private schools is that you pay for them because you think they're better than state schools and think they're worth the money. Weird.

fivecandles · 16/04/2008 19:30

What I mean is it's one thing to complain about a state school because it's the one you've been forced to go to or chosen out of principle. It's quite another to make a clear CHOICE of a particular school outside the state system and then PAY for it and then complain that it's not doing a good job. YOU chose the school. No one made you send your child there.

LIZS · 16/04/2008 19:59

5c I did suggest on a previous thread, when avenanap felt she had a moral duty to tell other parents how cr&p it was and that they were wasting their money, that she report it to ISCIS(or Ofsted) if she felt it was so poor - no response interestingly so either it isn't a member(which would cause me concern anyway) or she hasn't really got that strong an argument. It also seems as if this head has come since her ds started and things changed, promises of scholarships weren't kept etc etc

scaryteacher · 16/04/2008 21:49

If it wasn't a good school, believe me, the parents would be voting with their feet and taking their kids out. People don't have the money to waste on paying for bad schooling.

I was paying £800 per month for day prep in the UK and if I hadn't felt i was geting value for my money, I would have moved ds. He only left that school as we moved abroad and took him with us, as he didn't want to board.

scaryteacher · 16/04/2008 21:50

sorry, getting value... it posted whilst I was trying to correct my typo.

AbbeyA · 16/04/2008 22:18

I found it strange that you would dislike a school so much and yet have chosen it and be paying for it.From the sound of it the majority of state schools are better.(There are lots of good state schools.)

wychbold · 16/04/2008 23:49

Life?s not that simple, AA. We put DD in a private Junior which had an excellent reputation. I was a bit naïve in those days and didn?t understand the education system as well as I do now. Once we were there and could see the warts-and-all, we realised that the reputation was the previous Headteacher?s legacy and the school was gradually going downhill. There was also a major restructuring.
But DD was happy there and we didn?t think that it was a good idea to move her since she was going to move again (to Secondary) soon. So we moaned, but stayed with it.