Parents Evenings - why does the child have to be there?

[Coatsoff42]

Why are parents evenings more like an annual performance review for the child? Is it a new thing at secondary schools? It’s not what my school did where the parents had the chat with the teacher, and you had to wait and see if you were in trouble or not.
Ive done a couple and it feels like being in my work annual appraisal and even they are a box ticking exercise in false promises for the future. The teachers say ‘child A, to improve your score/performance/grade you need to speak up more in class/contribute more/put more detail into your written work etc’ and the child says yes miss I will and then we walk away and they say, ‘I’m not doing that, I’m doing fine as I am’

I feel that the teachers are not speaking frankly in front of the child, the child doesn’t really care overly much, and we are not able to voice our concerns openly either.

Can someone tell me the advantage of having the child present at parents evening. Or alternatively, what the bloody hell I am there for? They could have that pointless chat any day of the week without me there!!
If there’s any secondary school teachers who can explain the benefits I would very much appreciate it.

I would only take my child along to parents evening if I had no other choice. Is the school telling you that you have to bring your child? I agree I prefer it to be a chat without the child there.

Because it's about the child and it's good practice to involve them in discussions.

To add my kids teachers have had no problem whatsoever about being frank

At my dds year 10 parents evening there was a mix of parents with and without kids. I brought dd and think it's helpful to have the child involved in discussion at parents evening. If I wanted to speak to the teacher without her, I would do though.

Parents evening at secondary school always involved the children. I always found it really productive and ensured full transparency between teacher and child.

I actually think it depends on the child. My daughter hated it, she would barely speak and knew exactly what was going to be said. My son loves it. He gets to hear what he needs to do, gets to assess how he thinks he is doing and actually acts on the recommendations. However it does sometimes feel like I am just listening in rather than getting to ask questions!

I found they worked really well for years 10 and 11 as my son was the one thst needed to know what he needed to do, not me.

Year 7, I really just wanted to talk about settling in and behaviour which was less easy to be open about with him sat there.

Year 8 and 9 I can't remember. They felt a bit pointless.

But honestly, if there are issues they should phone you to discuss outside of these meetings.

So the teachers can remember which child it is 😉

At the last one, one of the teachers was running late so DH and DD went to one appointment and I went tothe late one... the teacher seemed surprised as she wanted to explain something to her. I had wanted to speak privately.

My child’s primary school does this! I think it’s ridiculous- I just refuse to bring him and have a much more frank discussion than if he was there. But he is 6. I think it’s a bit different at secondary as they should really be taking responsibility for their own learning at that age.

Primary school pre covid.. there was a creche available.
Then it went to phone calls
But then after it was bring the children... probably as they still didn't like mixing the children inside. So its more of a childcare thing.

Secondary school is much more about the child.that at primary. Part of the reason for having the child present is so teachers can say "child needs to do x" and child agrees that it something they don't currently do. Rather than you going home and says "teacher says x" and child says but that is not true.....

You also have to consider that at secondary the work effort has to come from the child. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Parents evenings are not about your parenting, they are about your child's studying. Your child needs to hear what their next steps are - directly from the teacher. And you need to hear this as well. If there is something that a teacher needs to discuss with you as a parent, a 5 minute discussion in a noisy room surrounded by others is not the place! They should call you separately for any more in depth discussion. And if you wish to raise anything specific, an email to the teacher is usually the best way.

I will often have a discussion before parents evening with my children. I ask them what they think the teacher will say, is there anything they would like me to raise that they feel they can't raise themselves.

It is like an appraisal in a way - but most teachers genuinely want to improve things for their students and so do want to hear what is working well or not and how they can help. I consider my role in this to be that of facilitator - helping my child to articulate their views and helping my child to understand what the teacher may be saying.

When I was at secondary school (1994-2001) the parents and children attended together. At my dc secondary school children attend there too. At primary school you can bring your children of you want to but I don't as they are a bit lively and it would be hard to concentrate with them around.

I think it’s good to have teacher, child and parents there. It encourages transparency and truth. In the past, I have seen parents lie to their children- ie they think child is lazy and needs to revise 2hrs a day for GCSEs, so they will lie to child and say “teacher said you need a kick up the arse as you’re lazy and it shows that you’re not revising” I know this because the child then comes to me as says, miss I thought you liked me and that I’m a good student so why did you say that to my parents?

I think parents should feel free to air any concerns to the teacher in front of the child, it is about the child and they deserve to know what the teacher thinks about any concerns the parents may have.

In the above example, parents could have said we are worried our child isn’t revising enough for GCSEs and teacher could have said their coursework and exams so far indicate they are on track so they are revising enough or agree and make a suggestion as to what to revise and about how much. The parents then walk away knowing their child isn’t as lazy as they thought they were….

As children get older it is good for them to begin to take more responsibility for their own learning.

Also, it is considered good practice to involve them in discussions about themselves. Did you know children with SEN are involved in their own EHCP reviews?

I think it's good if you're just listening in, if it suggests the child is engaged and active in the discussion. It's their education, after all. I took mine but the one doing no work didn't enjoy it a lot!

So what are you saying to your child when they walk away and say that they're fine as they are and not planning to do whatever they promised that they would do?

I have to bring my child - it's ridiculous. I have to use before and after school clubs for a reason ....:I work full time. If I want an appointment after 330 then I have to pull my child out of childcare to have them there - costing me money!

Thank you all for your feedback, some very good points, which is what I wanted. I do appreciate them. It is possible that this particular child does not engage well in these situations, they hate talking about themselves. My younger one might find it more useful as they are more inclined to accept advice and improvements. I could see the benefit there.

I will see it as more of a listening exercise, and any specific concerns I can always email, I’m used to discussing things face to face so it’s new for me.

@Shortfatsuit It’s like a person who knows they can pass at 70% and does a 70% effort and doesn’t care about getting a 95% grade. What can you say if they just want to pass and stay under the radar, but don’t really care? They aren’t being naughty, they could get the 95% if they put the extra effort in but they don’t want to bother. ( not GCSEs)

We had to sign a parent/school agreement for secondary and quite honestly the school did everything they could possibly do to include the parents in how to help your child with their homework in year 7 all the way to revision sessions for both child and parents in year 11 so you know how to help them revise.

Parents' evenings were honest plus when it was in person Dh was great at reading upside down and could see the class matrix and therefore where our child sat within their cohort. Some teachers will tell the class that on the latest test the highest mark was 84 the lowest was 23 and the average was 65 so children know where they sit, other teachers don't do this.

At an in person parents' evening for Ds2 we were waved over to Ds1's teacher who told us what Ds1's year 11 mock grade was as he had just finished marking the papers that day and specifically what Ds1 needed to do to get his grade up. Having a child present means that the teacher can talk to the child with the parent listening. Pulled directly from my own notes, French - set 1 areas to work on written accuracy, spelling, nouns, adjectives, use Memorise app to improve overall French. So both the parents and child heard this meaning we can put things in place at home to support his learning.

Learning doesn't just take place in school and the role of parents is crucial to most children succeeding, my youngest child is now 18. Both did exceptionally well academically because daily they told me in one sentence what they did in each class, so instead of did you have a good day, they would say Geography we did the Grand Canyon (we can then talk about that later at the dinner table or watch youtube to deepen their knowledge) so we encouraged learning at home.

Teachers can tell children in class or privately they must do something to improve but that often never gets passed on to the parent via the child. As for the whole "The teachers say ‘child A, to improve your score/performance/grade you need to speak up more in class/contribute more/put more detail into your written work etc’ and the child says yes miss I will and then we walk away and they say, ‘I’m not doing that, I’m doing fine as I am’" you should be supporting the school and encouraging the child to apply themselves. Ds1 didn't like to put his hand up but we came to an agreement with his teacher over that because she said it is always the same students vocalising their opinion and she wanted a mix. Ds agreed he would put his hand up and she would pick him first so that he wasn't intimidated by the other students going first. Worked well.

It's about the pedagogical approach that including the learner brings better engagement.

It was in education theory in the 1960s so it eventually had to make it's way to schools. My secondary in the 1990s Ireland did this.

I found it helpful but then I enjoyed school and learning. My son who is academic and behaves respectfully thinks it can be a waste of time for students like him. He does be praised and is typical teen embarrassed.

He feels the time would be better spent giving extra time to students who need a bit more help.

So go on your own 🤷🏻‍♀️

Personally I never used to attend them anyway.

Because the kid is responsible for their behaviour, effort and attitude. It is much more useful to have the pupil there as it is their work you are discussing. Often when it is just the parent you speak about the work and they haven't a clue. At least with the parent there you can be more specific. In fact for ks4 and 5 it is a complete waste of my time talking to just the parents.

Listening in at that age is what you should be doing. It's your child's responsibility at that stage. A parent's role is just to support.

Translation 'I don't give a shit about my child's education and I shoe it by not turning up to parent's evening ' 🤦‍♀️