Convince me to not homeschool..?

[TawnyT]

Hello MN. I think we're going to homeschool my DD.

DD is 2 now. DP and I both work currently and she's in nursery 4 days a week (I work PT). We jointly earn about 150k and would loose a third of that if/when I quit work to homeschool. Based on our current ongoings its financially feasible.

I just don't think our school system quite cuts it anymore. Not sure it was ever great really, but the attendance crisis, increase in bad behaviour and decrease the number and quality of teachers, the introduction of questionable 3rd party teaching material, increased focus on exam results, and generally bad reports from teachers/sudents on their current school experience... has me thinking there might be a better way to do things.

We're considering homeschooling and potentially travelling a bit (DP can work from anywhere). We would enrol in a local homeschool programme while in the UK (there's lots in our area) to cover the social aspect and provide a bit of structure to work to. DP and I currently work from home so we know we can spend a lot of time together quite comfortably and are good at instilling a work-like structure at home. We'd let DD have input on what to learn and when, and give the option of traditional schooling if she wated to...

It feels like a massive step though, and so against the norm. So I'd love to get other views and opinions... has anyone homeschooled and loved it? Hated it? Why? What worked, what didn't work? Anything I haven't thought about? Anyone having a great experience with schools (as a parent or teacher) and think I should reconsider?

You say "We would enrol in a local homeschool programme while in the UK (there's lots in our area) to cover the social aspect and provide a bit of structure to work to." - I assume you just mean having a bit of structure to the week by going to different clubs (home ed sports class, forest school session, brownies etc) on different days, so the days don't blur together, by this?

Because unlike in the US, home education in the UK is entirely "make it up yourself" (though obviously there are lots of people selling products and services to help with this) - there is no "homeschool programme" that covers any academic content or childcare (you may get a drop-off forest school but that will be ~2 hours a week). There are usually some social meet-ups where a group of families go to the park together (etc) but they are basically just playdates (which is fine, but you need to have realistic expectations of how little time you'd get away from your child and how much you'd be providing - you are likely to be supervising all the time they are awake and then prepping for the rest of the week after their bedtime).

Do you actually think that you’ve never met a homeschooled person, ever? Because that is literally what you’re saying and yet I don’t know the educational background of a huge majority of people I meet.

@exhomeschooler Can I just say it's refreshing to read a post from a parent who chose to home educate but admits it wasn't right for their child.

Like you said lots of people go into home education with ideas and beliefs and it's difficult to admit that it's not working. More often than not they refuse to consider school (which is understandable as anti school rhetoric is widespead with the home education community) Instead they just carry on, even though they know home education isn't working. I'm glad your son is enjoying school and I hope @TawnyT reads your post.

I can understand HS in situations where kids have additional needs and schools are not flexible or don’t have resources.
But for great majority of kids schools work.

I think - if you are not ready to send your kid into the world - and want to spend more time with her - skip Reception as it’s not mandatory. Or if you want to travel - do the homeschooling until your child is 6-7.
In most countries kids don’t start proper formal education until that age anyway.

But I think there comes a time where one parent at home can’t provide for all educational needs. Certainly by secondary school you need to let professionals take over.
And the socialisation aspect is also really important. Your child won’t be living in home protected by you from the world all their life.

I think your dire view of the schooling system is a bit simplistic and not well informed. No system is perfect. And of course when we have our kids we want it all perfect for them - and try to control as much as we can. But - i am not sure being a teacher comes naturally to most people. There is a reason only some people go to the profession.

And to add to all of the above - the practicalities of replicating school resources at home. Your loss of career. Etc.

@exhomeschooler
I insisted my child wear shoes
Stunted his self-expression there, don't you think?!

(Sorry, it did make me laugh as that sentence summed it up so well)

Thank you. I realise that my son's ND was partly why it didn't work for us - if he (/we) had fit in with the very unstructured crowd it might have been great. But I think a lot of the theory and rhetoric around HE is very one-sided and definitely blends into a general anti-authority stance. I can see how easy it is to get swept up in it and believe that every school is terrible.

Obviously no one is claiming to know whether a shop assistant or the person at the next table in a restaurant has had traditional schooling throughout their childhood or not. But the fact is the vast, vast majority of people do go to school, and that a homeschooled child won’t have the same socialisation or share frames of reference with their peers to the same extent, probably for the rest of their lives. Deciding that on balance, that’s a worthwhile trade off for your specific circumstances is one thing. Denying it’s the case at all while making that choice for your child is concerning.

I haven’t - despite HEing in a city with loads of home educators - come across that much anti-school rhetoric. Some, especially where the child had been badly failed by the school system, and some where the (mostly lovely, but mad as a box of frogs) parents were the ‘freemen of the land’ types, but more very balanced, often with one kid in school and one out, people who can’t afford private but can afford to work less, weighing up their kids’ specific options and picking the best available.

I think there’s truth in the idea that we justify our choices after making them, but that’s universal.

This is refreshing to hear. It is over 5 years now since we left HE and I think it has become more popular since covid and thus less dominated by the fringe groups. Also, when we were doing it we were a "HE from the start" family and mostly associated with other similar families as their children were the same sort of age. Where older children are concerned and school experience has lead to HE I imagine the reasoning behind it is different.

Find a local school that you are happy with and enrol your child there.
You can make sure you help with homework, take the child to extra things like swimming or language school and help her make friends and socialise.
I would never want to be totally responsible for my child learning to read so I would plan to take a year away from work and travel once the child was older than seven.
I would take a year or even take one term every year where I would home school and travel. Best of both worlds and not neglecting all the good things schools offer.

You need to deregister fully from the school to home educate, so I'm not sure how easy it would be to find a school that was fine with you leaving at Easter and signing back up for September every year... (on the one hand they may not technically get a choice if they have spaces, on the other hand if they fill their spaces while you are out you won't get to go back to the same school).

I'm a teacher and considered HE but my daughter has thrived at school. Genuinely, in Reception and Y1 there hasn't been a single day she's not enjoyed. I'm not convinced you can replicate the feeling and group excitement of things like sports events, plays and Christmas pantos in a HE environment. I also don't doubt you can find friends for your child but school is also about learning to rub along with the people you dont get on with. My very shy 5 year old has also thrived on having a world away from her parents, that is just her own. I'm not sure having all your activities and friendships initiated by your parents is ideal. Finally, regarding dubious RSE teaching, this is totally overplayed by the media. I doubt a single child in my school could tell you what non-binary means and they only know about pronouns in relation to grammar lessons. There is not a single lesson in our curriculum regarding being trans.

I home ed one child and send another to school. So I feel like I've seen the pros and cons of both.

The major advantage of home ed is that you can tailor the education exactly to your child.
So you avoid the frustration of work that's boringly easy or frustratingly difficult, either of which can turn kids off learning. You can let them follow their own interests.
You can also give your kid concentrated one to one attention, which they would rarely get in a classroom.
DS has SEN and, for him, simply being in a quiet, calm environment goes a long way. School was overwhelming for him.
Finding resources is now relatively easy, with a growing home ed community and plenty of commercially available apps, online classes etc.

Finances are a major con. Although home ed itself can be done cheaply, it generally involves a loss of income. I work evenings and weekends at a supermarket to fit in around home ed. This is significantly less interesting and well paid than my previous job.
Exam entry as a private candidate is super expensive although I acknowledge this is a long way off for you.
Socialising is an interesting one. There's loads of clubs and meet ups where I live. But DS's relationships are very much dependant on my facilitation. Far more than a schooled kid his age.
Sometimes it feels like we're still in the toddler group stage, making awkward small talk while our kids play.
If you fit in well with the other families, you could all make lifelong friendships. If not, you'll still have to smile and make an effort with for your kids sake.

As far as school is concerned: I find the curriculum a bit dull and restrictive. And obviously it didn't work out for my SEN kid.
But overall I feel it does a good job of meeting the educational and social needs of neurotypical kids.
I could spend a lot of time and energy trying to arrange provision for my very sociable and NT DD....and end up with something slightly worse for her than school is already providing for free.

I hope this helps OP. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Hi OP, I haven't read all the messages but wanted to provide a couple of comments, if any helpful.
It seems like your decision is going to be based on some general information (decreasing quality of teaching, increase focus on exams etc) rather than the experience your DD would have in the area. I would probably suggest you to have a good look at the schools in your area, go to 'open school meetings', ask for feedback from local parents before writing them out. The facts you are referring to are very general and there is a vast difference across the country.
Also, your DD is too young for you to assess what's going to be best for her based on interests, personality etc.
Also, I think you are perhaps focusing a little too much on how the experience will be for you rather than for her, if you see what I mean? There is not right or wrong, but I would probably have a good look around and also at the motivations before deciding.

My own experience is that I picked a little nurturing school (actually two, then I got my first choice!) based on what I believed my son needed. But also, I knew my son needed the structure, diversity and level of social interactions that only a school could provide.

The only thing that's making you question yourself is that age old 'bucking the trend'. Except that home education is the default education and is increasingly a far better option for many children and families.

Our eldest started in reception a good few years ago but the seed of HE had already been sown in our minds and within a few weeks all those doubts about sending her to school were realised.

We de registered her and home educated her and her siblings from that day.

Any regrets? None except I wish we had not even bothered to try with school. Must have wasted at least £30 on school clothes that were never worn again 😅

But seriously, no regrets. They've all had such free childhoods. The autonomy to make choices for themselves, to learn in a way that suits them, at a pace that suits them. Especially those precious early years.

To mix with others of all different ages and cultures in a safe way and when they felt like socialising. Not when someone else told them they should be social.

They have hobbies and friends and are very literate. They have morals, they have respect for others and they are happy to socialise with people of any age. They don't feel intimidated by adults.

They all had GCSEs before they were 14.

The eldest has now confidently gone off to do sciences at sixth form with 10 GCSEs at A/A*, is head student and on an Oxbridge pathway.

I don't doubt that school is right for some kids but I vehemently believe that it is not right for all and that alternatives should be openly accepted and encouraged.

Remember home education is actually the default. You opt in to school when when you make the decision to apply for school. You do not 'opt out' of school when you home educate. That should be widely known fact but it isn't.

It's not all a bed of roses but all the amazing experiences and benefits just make me wish I could do it all over again.

School is not a ‘trend’ and home education is not the default. That’s a bad faith argument.

I think child-led is the key - whether that is finding a local school that is a good fit for your child (which will vary by area and availability of places) or centring home ed around them. But that does mean ensuring they do learn things - have you made sure they have options when they're 18 or have you narrowed their choices? Bearing in mind if something happens to you or your DP by then your child could well need to support themselves, get a job etc and will need some kind of qualifications to do that.

Friends who do home ed well seem to be genuinely child-led and will focus on different activities for each child following interests but ensure they get the knowledge of maths and English. Those kids have done GCSEs/A levels, some now at university, they're sociable and well-rounded.

Others are more focussed on the parents' philosophies and so will ignore a child asking to go to school or whatever as it doesn't fit with their world view.

As for socialisation, some home ed parents I know get very defensive about this! Again, some make a big effort and the child has multiple friends and opportunities, but it tends to need a lot more parent facilitation. Others are more limited - they only socialise with a few if any local families, friendships limited to a handful of children. Those kids haven't developed the social skills they would in school - the one I'm thinking of particularly is very immature and cannot cope with other children wanting to do something different as everything has been centred around him and he's also unpleasantly snarky. School gives an opportunity to mix with a wide range of backgrounds and cultures (area dependent) and also ages as not everything is in age cohort. Whereas home ed groups are limited to those families that choose to access it. You also come up against others' beliefs and philosophies in HE. You're unlikely to know if a child has anti-vaxxer parents at school whereas those parents have a lot more influence in HE.

Reading is an interesting one. Some HE friends have followed the NC, taught phonics and their children generally read far ahead of their equivalent age in school. Others take a more unschooling approach and don't teach reading, a lot of the HE social media encourages this. I've seen them say it's normal for kids not to read until 7-8 as that's normal in other countries where it's taught later in the school. That's true. Then the HE child gets to 10 and still can't read. Parent starts sharing blog posts and Instagram reassuring that this is nothing to worry about. That particular child is now 12 and still can't read at all as the parent is still waiting for them to learn to read themselves! So there is a certain amount of egging on and reinforcing views rather than accepting that somethings may need to be taught, depending on the child.

@Whistfly
By your own admission you were philosophically not on board with schools educating your children, so a few weeks' trial with a 4/5 yr old confirmed your biases. That is usually the most difficult time in most young children's school experience as they have huge adjustments to make. Once settled, the rest is usually much easier.

Your DS has obviously done/ is doing well, but maybe he could have gained even more perspective, contributed in a wider group had he been with like-minded peers. Home ed does seem to encourage a rather 'me' centred approach to education - not overtly selfish, just a bit too pick and mix. And sometimes you just have to accept being told what to do by someone else.

if you want to homeschool, then i dont see why anyone should talk you out of it. I think its worth bearing in mind that it doesnt have to be a forever decision, whatever you decide. You might find that actually you feel school might be right for her closer to the time, or you might want to home school for a bit and then find a school for her later, or try school and see how she likes it before deciding.,
I think that your income reducing that much and the potential effects on your career should be considered though, and how easy it would be to build it back up again, or consider things like feeling isolated.

We have 4 home schools the teen and soon to start properly with the 3 toddlers. We hate alot of the teachings,holiday rules etc etc so ye go a carry on with our youngsters. Our teen loves it and we have a bunch of other families we know who home school in our area so good support aswell

I think it depends on why you decide to home educate. The ridged one size fits all approach to both private and public education doesn’t fit many children.

I don't have any experience of homeschooling (except that awful attempt of whatever it was during COVID!) and have two girls (9&7) who are absolutely thriving, and love their school, so in my biased view, school is great! But, I will say, as they grow and change (which happens surprisingly quickly) their need for you as their parent lessens, and their need to be their own person with their own space grows, and I can't imagine how suffocating it may feel for my girls now if we did everything together. My favourite part of the day is getting in from school and the girls telling me funny stories about what happened, showing me things they've learnt/made, being proud of any achievements they've had. They love sharing these parts of their day with me, sharing the stuff they've experienced without me there. They love being able to tell me exciting things that happened, that I don't know about because I wasn't there. And I'm sure there's lots of other parts of their day, they choose to keep to themselves, for whatever reason, and that's okay. I think it's important for them as they grow up (which will happen far quicker than you expect) to have a life away from their parents, where they can be their own person.

I’m sure there’s benefits to both, so just do what works for you. I like the idea of the freedom of home schooling, but do feel my children would miss out a bit. This is based on the experience they’re having at their primary school though which is fantastic. If they were at a rubbish school then I’d feel differently!

Having read this thread, I’m struck that no home educated adults have come on to say it worked well for them but lots of home educating parents are saying how much they (the parents) love it. Which really isn’t the point.