Convince me to not homeschool..?

[TawnyT]

Hello MN. I think we're going to homeschool my DD.

DD is 2 now. DP and I both work currently and she's in nursery 4 days a week (I work PT). We jointly earn about 150k and would loose a third of that if/when I quit work to homeschool. Based on our current ongoings its financially feasible.

I just don't think our school system quite cuts it anymore. Not sure it was ever great really, but the attendance crisis, increase in bad behaviour and decrease the number and quality of teachers, the introduction of questionable 3rd party teaching material, increased focus on exam results, and generally bad reports from teachers/sudents on their current school experience... has me thinking there might be a better way to do things.

We're considering homeschooling and potentially travelling a bit (DP can work from anywhere). We would enrol in a local homeschool programme while in the UK (there's lots in our area) to cover the social aspect and provide a bit of structure to work to. DP and I currently work from home so we know we can spend a lot of time together quite comfortably and are good at instilling a work-like structure at home. We'd let DD have input on what to learn and when, and give the option of traditional schooling if she wated to...

It feels like a massive step though, and so against the norm. So I'd love to get other views and opinions... has anyone homeschooled and loved it? Hated it? Why? What worked, what didn't work? Anything I haven't thought about? Anyone having a great experience with schools (as a parent or teacher) and think I should reconsider?

I don't recognise what you're describing in the schools my kids attend. If you can move anywhere then why not start looking for a decent school in an area you'd like to live? It honestly sounds like you're looking for fun and a challenge but your daughter is 2 and this is her education you're using as your fun lifestyle change.

I know quite a few homeschooled children and none of them are thriving. One is doing amazingly academically, but he has one friend and lots of issues with lack of confidence. He communicates well with adults but just can not socialise with his peers.

Another girl has become a recluse. Completely cut off from her old friends. Her mum regularly posts on fbook about their "free schooling journey", checking in to local petting farms and collecting shells on the beach. The daughter is 15 for fucks sake. Mum also has a toddler though so at least someone's entertained.

Then there are siblings that attend my sons scout group. They're a bit more social but way behind on their studies, by admission of their very highly educated parents.

Why not take some time out now to travel while she's little and give school a chance? You might find that everything you read doesn't actually apply to the schools you choose.

Thank you for all the responses - definitely a few reality check questions in there, which is exactly what I was hoping for! It's expanded the research I need to do beyond just the schooling-side, lots to look at re my financial security, the resoures I would need, how/when I'd get me-time, how much DP would want to contribute to doing any actual schooling, and considering what that would look like were we to have more children...

I have one day off work with DD atm, it's a really nice mummy and daughter day, but perhaps when she turns 3 we could trial it as a learning day and see how she/I manage! I'll arrange some school visits too - obviously better to see things in real life! And always good to be reminded to keep my DD at the center of things, it's difficult to ascertain how she'd find traditional school atm, but I don't think she'd struggle, she's bright, social, loves people and learning, though she is very active and doesn't do much that requires sitting still (but she's only 2, so 🤷‍♀️)

Thanks all for taking the time to share your thoughts, nothing like a collective brain-storm 😊

"how much DP would want to contribute to doing any actual schooling, and considering what that would look like were we to have more children..."

Hold on. You're not married? No, do not give up your job to homeschool your bright, social, chatty and engaged child just because you're wanting a sense of adventure

Hard agree!

😅 no not married but due to get a civil partnership sorted this year (been together 14 years, neither of us were bothered about a marriage but recognise some legal paperwork is needed now we have DD), I will do some research on civil partnership vs marriage though and opt for the one that gives the best protection should we split/should anything bad happen to either of us

@TawnyT Definitely look at the schools. Ask around. Other mums will have opinions. My DDs loved their schools. They had fun. They had great experiences shared with a whole class. If you only see DD for one weekday each week, are you really ready to move to 5 days a week full on? Like many, I needed time away from dc to be me.

I've thought about it on and off for a few years and what I keep going back to is not wanted to be everything to my DCs. I want them to have life experiences, friendships and interactions with others without me being there and I just don't think you get that fully from homeschooling.
I have no criticism of it though and as others have said, it's individual to each family and child.
If I could afford to I would take my DS (12) out in a heartbeat and homeschool him. His secondary school is a pretty bleak place these days. DS (6) is in a really lovely primary though and loves everything about school.

It isn't the massive commitment most people imagine, given that you don't have to "sign up" to do it for any length of time. The OP could home educate until her child is seven, say, and then consider the options. Many parents, including me, take it one year at a time, with a view to sending their child to school if and when they seem to need it.

(The only exception to this general rule of thumb is that after the beginning of the "GCSE years", it's very awkward for a child to enter school. At no time is the inflexibility of the school system more apparent than during Y10 and Y11, when even changing schools becomes a big deal. So I would think carefully before removing a child from school at that age. In a sense there is "no going back". At other ages, however, going in and out of school is not a big deal.)

In your circumstances, I think most home educating parents would agree that the main drawback is the long-term effect on your career and earning potential. The direct costs of HE can be very modest, and are insignificant compared with the loss of your income over the years if you give up work to do it. Of course, if financial security had been one of your top priorities in life, perhaps you wouldn't have had a child in the first place... no matter how you bring them up, it ain't cheap 😆

Though I loved my career, I loved seeing my kids blossom under home education even more. That was especially the case for the younger one, who has special needs. The older one (now 24) would have been okay in school, but preferred HE: they tried school at ten and decided to return to home ed, saying that school restricted their social opportunities and took up too much of their time. As for my younger one (now 17), home education has been the making of her, and I am really glad we were in a position to do it for her. No regrets here!

My son loved primary school and there was no way I could have provided something better at home, either in terms of education or socially. I would have felt he’d missed out on something if I had home educated him. I know a few home educated children and some are thriving at home, mainly because they struggled with mainstream school for various reasons, but others I think would have thrived at school and seem cut off to me.

My Friend has been home educating her children from the start and the two she wishes she had thought off before are:

• If you/DP or both died/seriously Ill or split chances are child would end up it school anyway so would be good to know if they could cope just incase.
• she wishes she had kept abreast of the national curriculum anyway so that if the child chooses to go to school, there is one less thing to worry about for them. This caused issues when her dd wanted to go to school in year 6 and never really got chance to even get going before deciding she was to far behind and didnt want to continue to secondry.

@TawnyT
i home educate my children. I’m an ex primary teacher. (Go figure!)

No regrets whatsoever and in fact with the way the education system is currently I’ve never felt more sure that it’s the right thing for them.

You’ll always get people on here saying But what about socialisation?!
All I can say is school in my view is the unhealtthiest form of socialisation you could experience.

My children have plenty of opportunity to socialise and make friends. Home ed groups, workshops, sports groups, neighbours, online friends… it’s the oldest fallacy in the book that children can’t make friends without school.

The other fallacy is that children won’t learn without school! We live in a very school fixated society where learning is synonymous with school but the reality is that this is just NOT true.

I could write a 10,000 word dissertation on all of my views about children and how they learn best but it’s late!

One final thing, as a home ed parent you don’t’teach’ your child. You facilitate learning for them. You need to be good at finding resources and encouraging their interests and passions. That’s all it comes down to. It can be challenging at times but the rewards of a life lived with freedom and joy and a lifelong love of learning is worth every minute.

Please feel free to PM me if you’d like to discuss anything.

"My children have plenty of opportunity to socialise and make friends. Home ed groups, workshops, sports groups, neighbours, online friends… it’s the oldest fallacy in the book that children can’t make friends without school."

Of course they can make friends, whether they do or not is another matter. The homeschool kids I mentioned earlier that go to my sons scout groups only have very superficial connections, the others there have friends that also go to school with them and they are the ones that have the real bond. The kids like the homeschool kids but let's face it, they see them for an hour a week in term time only. They're not making a proper friendship. As for including neighbours 😅 yep, ok, tell yourself what you like but most home school kids aren't finding their best mates next door.

It kind of is a big deal, though. Not at 2, but as time goes on it becomes important to think about whether a child is being prepared long-term for things like qualifications.

If a decision is suddenly made that this isn’t working and the child needs to be in school, then this can sometimes be difficult depending on the OP’s local area and cohort; if there is pressure on school places, it might be hard to find a place other than at a school that is miles away or is the school that nobody wants.

Is the OP going to try and work from home while doing this? That makes things much harder. If she is planning on giving up work or only working very part-time, she needs to think through the risks of being financially dependent on her partner; she says “partner” so it sounds like she isn’t married. I would strongly suggest she gets legally married with her partner, looks carefully at things like pensions and assets, and finds a way to keep her hand in at work, at least, OR combines homeschooling with reskilling for a different career that she could enter at a later stage after a break from work.

One final thing, as a home ed parent you don’t’teach’ your child. You facilitate learning for them. You need to be good at finding resources and encouraging their interests and passions. That’s all it comes down to. It can be challenging at times but the rewards of a life lived with freedom and joy and a lifelong love of learning is worth every minute

With all due respect, no. The world of homeschooling is vast and people do it for a whole bunch of different reasons. Plenty of HSers are doing this for reasons other than “I want my child to be free and holistic etc. etc.” There are HSers who HS precisely because they want traditional classical education and are not content with what the schools offer, and there are other people who HS due to circumstances like being overseas and not being able to afford international school; they usually do fairly standard education, through a mixture of online stuff, textbooks and workbooks, and hiring some tutoring.

”Just follow your child’s passions” sounds lovely but does not sound to me like it is going to yield someone with a balanced range of knowledge or an ability to knuckle down to stuff they don’t enjoy (which is part of life). Plenty of kids will never become competent at maths unless they are made to do it and pushed and structured. Some kids are a whizz at maths and hate anything to do with the humanities; they still need to learn the humanities, because the last thing society needs is to have systems and software designed by computer nerds with no idea of how the average human being’s mentality works, or of the societal risks and benefits of the kind of things computer nerds work on. And so on.

As it sounds like you can afford it, I would recommend private school to try first. I went to a non-selective private (secondary) school and had a really good experience. And they get longer school holidays if you’d like more opportunity for travelling.

It’s so much easier now than it used to be. I’m a second generation homeschooler and I have much more supplemental material and support available than my parents did. You can access almost anything online, from a little extra help with things you aren’t equipped to confidently teach to an entire online school/teacher. In person home-Ed groups of whatever “flavour” you find yourself aligned with (traditional, unschooling, classical, religious, secular, etc) are everywhere.

I will add that as someone who grew up being educated at home before it was a “thing” I have seen the pitfalls play out with my peers. “Don’t teach, follow their lead” or “if only takes thirty min a day!” looks lovely on Instagram but I had many friends who were massively educationally neglected by their parents and now (we’re in our 30s) have struggled to cope and to catch up. My parents both held education degrees and I have no complaints re the quality of the education they gave me, but unfortunately that isn’t true for everyone.

Covid convinced me not to home school. 😆 🤣

It's so risky, homeschooling. I just would worry that you'd not keep up with teaching what's in school making it hard for them to ever reintegrate back into school and do , you know, things you need to have a career like qualifications. Seen too many people really struggle to get good grades.

Are you doing this for you or your child? School provides a wealth of learning opportunities beyond ‘book’ learning. If the fit is right it’s really a lot of fun for the child, teaches them how to form relationships, overcome difficulties, play a range of sports and games, etc.etc. I’m in my 50s now and my friendship group from school is still my friendship group today, even though we’re scattered across the UK now.

In spite of what you read here most kids enjoy most of school, enjoy social interaction whether that’s library club or football, and it helps prepare them for uni/jobs. If you have the money consider private education if you like, but at least visit your local schools to see if they’re a good fit. HE is a huge undertaking so think very carefully about whether to can give your child the rich multilayered experience she’ll have at school, and whether you can commit to it consistently for the next 12-14 years.

Have you considered, if you want to give up work for the next 16 years, what the long-term financial impact would be of you not contributing to your pension?

I would also strongly recommend you make a written agreement that you would continue to receive enough financial support if you split up from your DH in order to continue homeschooling. I say this because my dad paid for my private school, my parents divorced and then my my dad refused to pay for it anymore, so my mum ended up getting into a lot of debt.

We’re home educating my 5yo (reception year) and will also be for my 2yo and nearly 1yo. We follow the National curriculum and, tbh, when you know that you are solely responsible for your child’s education it really focuses your mind and it’s not taxing to cover it. I’ll freely admit that we do a lot for her age, but she’s extremely engaged with most of it, highly competent reader etc. She can be highly anxious with separation anxiety and I think school would be horrific for her, but if she wants to try it later I’d be supportive. We send kids to school very early imo.

I’m not experienced enough at it to offer HE advice, but I’d say start now and try it out? My 2yo has learned to read in the past six months, I think you’d be amazed at what your child can learn now.

You can’t spell lose so that’s not a great start.

I think the fact you say ‘that’s a good point on actually looking and researching local schools’ but you already know about the availability of home ed groups in your area is a bit topsy turvy. Also that you’re due to sort out a civil partnership but you’re already planning to pack in your job. Why not get married/legally protected and thoroughly research local schools now, and only make alternative plans in a couple of years if there’s a very clear rationale for doing so in DD’s best interests? It’s a big thing to do to remove your child from the social and educational setting that nearly all of her peers, for the rest of her life, will have experienced. Home education groups are mainly going to bring her into contact with other home educated children and their families, that’s not a representative social setting. Some parents home educate their child because they have really good reasons that on balance it’s the best thing for them; it doesn’t sound like there’s anything to suggest that’s the case here, yet. Also, being happy to spend lots of time together with your two year old, and being able to discipline your adult selves into structured WFH, doesn’t necessarily bear much relevance to your ability to spend all day, seven days a week with an older child who will have a will of their own and to teach them the national curriculum without losing your mind.