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Original poster

Guilty that I can't send my kids to private school when I was privately educated

66 replies

As8ly4yn · 18/04/2023 20:13

DS is currently in Year 5 and we're looking at sending him to the local secondary, which is a good school and I've heard nice things about the kids and teachers there, as well as how the school is run.
I went to a private secondary myself and I'm so grateful for the opportunities that it's given me and it's definitely had significant boosts to my motivation and self confidence etc.
However, circumstances mean that it's currently not financially feasible for us to send him (and our other 2 children) there. I'm trying to think of the positives, like the fact that he'll get to continue to mix with local kids and won't be exposed to classism, but I just feel guilty if he doesn't get given as many opportunities as I did.
I'm very thankful for our current financial situation, but coming from a family that made a huge financial sacrifice to send us to private school, who've said that 'if you cared about your kids education that much, you can find away to send them to private', I feel I've let them down.

OP posts:
Digimoor · 18/04/2023 21:24

Maybe your family could find a way to pay for their education or they could just butt out!

limoncello23 · 18/04/2023 21:24

There are many ways of letting your kids down but sending them to state schools isn't one of them.

What you're finding out is what many of us already knew, that most people cannot "always find a way to send them to private". It is unusual to be able to afford to send children to private school, even with scrimping and saving. Only 7% of children are privately educated.

That might not feel reassuring, but honestly having committed and caring parents is a really strong foundation for kids, and plenty of state schools are good enough to allow students to achieve well.

carriedout · 18/04/2023 21:27

I think your kids are lucky Smile

Private school is actually quite an odd environment. I should know, I went to one.

Soontobe60 · 18/04/2023 21:27

Your family are snobs. And ignorant. I have worked with people who have been both privately and state educated. Unless they actually told me where they were educated it is almost impossible to tell.

Spendonsend · 18/04/2023 21:27

Just think that you are freeing your child from feeling like they have to pay for private school and any potential guilt they might have felt if they couldnt

Original poster
As8ly4yn · 18/04/2023 21:54

Thank you so much everyone. I know I've done my best as a parent and there are many factors other than your child's education that contribute to the quality of their upbringing.
And I echo @carriedout's point - although there're without doubt benefits to private schools, their setup and demographic didn't mirror the real world and there was a lot of classism - something I'm glad my kids won't experience.

OP posts:
Phos · 18/04/2023 21:56

I do actually sympathise OP but MN is not the place to get support for this. Most MN members absolutely despise private education.

Teentaxidriver · 18/04/2023 21:57

Similar story here, including a sister in law of my husband’s who sent three children to a household name school in Hampshire, who is openly critical of us not privately educating eldest DS. It really fucking grates.

Caramc20 · 18/04/2023 22:02

Can’t you send the kids to after school activities to help boost their confidence and self esteem?

Auntypine · 18/04/2023 22:08

You might feel better once you remember that fees are much higher now relative to average wages compared to when we were children. My dad has made similar comments to me - that he found the money by scrimping and saving, so I should make the same sacrifices for my children. But it simply isn’t the same. In the 80s and 90s, school fees were significantly lower in proportion to salaries. It isn’t possible for me to afford it and now that I understand why, I feel less guilt. It’s not through want of trying to save the money, I just have less money!

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 18/04/2023 22:13

I think the figures is something like - fees for private have increased by 400%+ since the 1980s (and they went up another 7% round here this year). It’s really not the same now as it was back then.

Christ’s Hospital is about to have an open day if you’re interested though.

OnBoardTheHeartOfGold · 18/04/2023 22:15

I get what you're saying and I feel the same. If it's any consolation, they all end up in the same unis (unless you're talking about the really elite schools)
Just give your dcs the best you can, pay for experiences and tuition with some of the money you save and encourage them to work hard.

Original poster
As8ly4yn · 18/04/2023 22:16

That's definitely the case, and because they compared their financial situation and ability to send us to private school with friends in our area at the time, they don't have much awareness about what it's like to afford it now

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 18/04/2023 22:17

Your family sound ridiculous.

What is it you're worried that they will miss out on if they don't go to private school?

A lot of people assume that private education is better simply because you have to pay for it, but that isn't always the case. I was state educated myself but I have a lot of privately educated friends. They are not generally any happier, better educated or more successful than my state educated friends.

If you can identify what specifically you think a private school would do for them that a state school wouldn't, then you can start thinking about strategies to close that gap. E.g. you mentioned confidence and motivation. What opportunities can you create for your dc that would help to develop those traits.

Your dc will be fine. Having supportive parents who care about education is a huge advantage. We could have sent dd to a private school but we didn't think it was worth it. She has thrived in the state sector and I don't think she has missed out in the slightest. Stop worrying about it and ask your family not to make any further comments.

WimpoleHat · 18/04/2023 22:22

There are many ways of letting your kids down but sending them to state schools isn't one of them.

I completely agree (and my kids do go to private school). Private schools have their advantages and disadvantages but it’s by means a universal truth that private = better. We can afford the fees without any great cutbacks anywhere else, but I don’t think it’d be worth it if we had to cut back drastically on other things - it’d be one of the first things to go rather than the last, if that makes sense. What really makes the difference to kids is having parents with an interest in learning and education. If you have some spare cash, then your kids can benefit from a broader range of cultural and other extra curricular activities; I’d argue this is far more important than some generic “private school experience”.

Also - I fear your parents are simply out of touch with costs. To send three kids to my kids’ school, you’d need to earn £100k before tax just to pay the fees. Before you paid a penny of rent or mortgage or before you bought a can of beans. It’s not money you can “find” by doing a bit of overtime, or keeping your car for another year or skipping a holiday. I think people fail to realise just how high fee inflation has been. So don’t let them pull that card on you - and certainly don’t feel guilty.

Original poster
As8ly4yn · 18/04/2023 22:32

They are ridiculous, and are in after school clubs etc. that they love. Thanks everyone for the reassurance - in a family where most of my DCs cousins are privately educated and are thriving at their schools, I just felt bad for not being able to provide it for mine. But everyone's circumstances are different and the family need to realise that

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 18/04/2023 22:33

Look at it this way, OP... at least you'll spare them the guilt of not being able to educate their own children privately!Grin

Minimalme · 18/04/2023 22:43

Kids need to be loved and cared for. If they have those two things, they will be confident and find their own opportunities based on their interests.

My eldest son has been to two secondary schools, both in deprived areas. He is awesome. Clever, funny, kind and loyal. Anything he achieves in life will be because he has earned it.

Which is the best life lesson of all imo.

user1477391263 · 19/04/2023 00:42

Who are the family members saying this to you? Older generation or your own generation?

If it’s the older generation, I’d give them a primer on how much costs have risen since the 1990s, and the fact that state schools have improved loads over that period and some top universities increasingly lean towards state school candidates if their grades are similar.

If it’s relatives of your own generation, I’d be tempted to get annoyed and tell them bluntly to drop it. It’s very rude of them to judge your educational choices and imply that such choices say something about how much you “care” as a parent.

chopc · 19/04/2023 03:39

Genuine question- if you have benefited from your private education and the opportunities it provided, why are you not in a position to send your kids to private school?

I know the world has changed, salaried stagnated and there is a COL crisis but am interested in your particular situation. Was it a priority for you to send your kids to private school?

My DH parents stopped at one child and his mother worked three jobs at one point in order to send him to private school for example. I am not sure if I would sacrifice as much for my own children .....

If you are unwell and unable to work then no one should be making you feel guilty but if on the other hand you have chosen to spend money on a large house and holidays and therefore can't afford private schools as well, it's a bit different

Original poster
As8ly4yn · 19/04/2023 09:50

chopc · 19/04/2023 03:39

Genuine question- if you have benefited from your private education and the opportunities it provided, why are you not in a position to send your kids to private school?

I know the world has changed, salaried stagnated and there is a COL crisis but am interested in your particular situation. Was it a priority for you to send your kids to private school?

My DH parents stopped at one child and his mother worked three jobs at one point in order to send him to private school for example. I am not sure if I would sacrifice as much for my own children .....

If you are unwell and unable to work then no one should be making you feel guilty but if on the other hand you have chosen to spend money on a large house and holidays and therefore can't afford private schools as well, it's a bit different

It gave me a lot more confidence to be myself, I was very 'nerdy' when I was young, and I could express my interests without fear of getting bullied or teased etc. Admittedly, though, private school probably hasn't allowed us to be any better off financially than had we gone to state.

OP posts:
byvirtue · 19/04/2023 10:00

Surely when you decided to have 3 kids you knew private school wouldn’t be feasible?

I don’t mean to be harsh but we wanted to prioritise sending our child to private school so only had one. No way could we have sent 3 to private school.

Dobby123456 · 19/04/2023 10:11

As8ly4yn · 19/04/2023 09:50

It gave me a lot more confidence to be myself, I was very 'nerdy' when I was young, and I could express my interests without fear of getting bullied or teased etc. Admittedly, though, private school probably hasn't allowed us to be any better off financially than had we gone to state.

Show quote history

You're right. Private isn't just about getting a well paid job, like people on MN seem to think!

You can't afford private school because you have three kids. I wanted three kids, but if I'd had three kids, I couldn't afford private school. I love my kids school, but I wish I had three kids. But then I couldn't have afforded the school ... When I go down this road my head feels like it's going to explode! Enjoy your kids. Don't let your head explode!

FourTeaFallOut · 19/04/2023 10:40

If it's any consolation, op, I've found that state schools are far more forgiving places for nerds with this current generation than it ever was for my own.

Back when all these fields were green and I was at school, the cool kids were the ones who were most adept at blending in and the geeky kids stood out. Nowadays, the nerds fly inconspicuously under the radar while the cool kids compete to stand out.

chopc · 19/04/2023 12:01

Private school is not all about getting a well paid job. However in life one of the most valuable things is to have options. Private school has given OP a lot of opportunities by her own admission so she could have gotten a job that pays enough to have options. One of which is how to educate your kids.

I will say again that even if you go to private school you can still become unwell so I am not talking about people who have any mental or physical illness which prevents them from pursuing a certain path