Guilty that I can't send my kids to private school when I was privately educated

[As8ly4yn]

DS is currently in Year 5 and we're looking at sending him to the local secondary, which is a good school and I've heard nice things about the kids and teachers there, as well as how the school is run.
I went to a private secondary myself and I'm so grateful for the opportunities that it's given me and it's definitely had significant boosts to my motivation and self confidence etc.
However, circumstances mean that it's currently not financially feasible for us to send him (and our other 2 children) there. I'm trying to think of the positives, like the fact that he'll get to continue to mix with local kids and won't be exposed to classism, but I just feel guilty if he doesn't get given as many opportunities as I did.
I'm very thankful for our current financial situation, but coming from a family that made a huge financial sacrifice to send us to private school, who've said that 'if you cared about your kids education that much, you can find away to send them to private', I feel I've let them down.

Hold your head up high and don’t worry about it. My parents were privately educated and couldn’t afford it for us. All my cousins were privately educated and had ski holidays and twice as much school holidays as us. But my parents were so proud of us and me and my siblings did academically better than my any of our cousins and most of us (not me but my siblings) have much better careers (in worldly terms).

The key was that my parents were very involved in our education, asked us about every test we were doing, read our essays, had high expectations for us, bought us books, paid for tutors if we were struggling, sent us on language exchanges, had family dinners with interesting conversations etc, took us to the theatre and to art galleries. All that they could actually afford.

They were also quite left wing and truly believed that state education was a good thing, so I think they were a bit protected by their optimism and innocence!

We probably would have had a better education in a good private school but, judging by outcomes, my parents’ kids have actually done better than their privately educated nephews and nieces.

Your attitude to it is very important.

Could you maybe afford private for sixth form? Or from 13? That way they get a few years each during the exam years.

Private school doesn’t give someone skills and intelligence they don’t already possess. What they can do is give a broader education and concentrate a bit more on individual needs. State schools often cannot do this. Sport is usually better at independent schools and arts subjects where they are not marginalized. Money does buy breadth. What it does not buy is greater intelligence or ability.

We chose independent over grammar. Mainly for breadth and a greater choice of clubs and extra activities. Many of DDs friends don’t have better jobs than anyone else. Plenty of her friends had families who been to independent schools for generations. They barely knew what a state school was! However all her friends can work effectively with others and school ceases to matter at university and onwards. Unless you want it to!

DCs primary is a feeder to a really good secondary - we have a lot of friends with kids there and they have positive experiences of the place.

I completely empathise OP....we had a similar guilt ridden time when ours started in state as both of us were privately educated all the way through. However, my parents said not to spend the money if we didn't have to as it is such a millstone.

As it happened, we had 4 children, so private became a luxury we could not afford. We've done a huge amount of extra curricular stuff, had lovely holidays, moved to a grammar area, and DS1 started at Cambridge last year, DD sits her A levels in a few weeks, and all being well will go to a great RG uni - and the younger 2 are flying.

So, we have been very happy with the state journey - and my children are far more rounded and grounded than I was having been through a single sex boarding school.

@Kokeshi123 she still works though (admin) enjoys it, has her home, get a pension. I think it's horses for courses really. Her children are really well adjusted/successful in each of their fields. But perhaps they would have anyway. I have children in the private system and can manage it but it's all down to me (single parent). I work doing a relatively ok paid role but almost everything goes on fees. The school is great, small classes, and I feel my children are doing well purely because of this.

I would have considered state but this option came up and looked feasible. I had an OK state option and it was a difficult choice but as a single parent, I picked where I felt my children would do better at. If I was still together with my ex , id have opted for state i think because we would have a lot more time/flexibility to take them to clubs, extra activities. So OP, there's some great advice here, spend the money on extra things to bump up anything you think they might be missing out on.

I’m taking my youngest daughter out of private school. And really relate to this post! It’s just not viable to send a child to private school. We are struggling that after fees are paid I’m left with only about £100 in my bank account! I feel bad but we have great schools! Unless start saving for your children to go private school later in life.

Don’t forget some people have great houses, lovely holidays, expensive cars, live in leafy areas and still have money for school fees. Not everyone has to make choices and cannot afford the fees. Many others cut their coat according to the cloth. You do what you can and make sensible choices.

I also empathise OP. DD is in yr 5 and really keen to go to private school. She wants to go to an all girls school too- our local one is eye-wateringly expensive (and actually not very good!). However, as someone who went to a private all girls school and loved it I feel so bad that we can’t provide this for her. She’s really sporty too and none of the local state school are sporty. I feel so bad that I can’t offer her the experience I had. DH feels bad because he works in a job that traditionally would be the kind of profession who’d send their child to private school, many of his colleagues do, but despite the 70 hour weeks he works (and I also work full-time) we really can’t afford it with the CoL as it is. Everyone I know who sends their DC to private school has very wealthy families who help with the fees (as my grandparents did for me many years ago)

Agree with @TizerorFizz , in our school year group, we have an incredible amount of affluent sorts with several kids elsewhere in the school. I'm sure the fees are nothing to them given many are millionaires whereas fees are a significant portion of my salary. This was my choice. You have to do what suits you.

I had a mix of state and private education and would have liked my kids to have had the same - we could have have afforded it at a push but honestly you cannot underestimate the joys of having your friends all so close by, also we had the freedom to travel the world, put money aside for pensions and investments, never worry about costs of theatre tickets and concert tickets or sporting events . just let their ignorant comments wash over you. and most importantly have faith- if you take an interest in their education, which you clearly have, it is perfectly feasible for your kids to end up in exactly the same universities as their privately educated cousins just like mine were able to do.

So just to add, i have no regrets about our choices at all and am grateful my dh persuaded me to go for the state option in the end.

I feel blessed that I/we had all of that and Dc had a private education. It’s not always either/or.

I think if we have had a positive experience in some aspect of life it is natural to want to recreate it/for our dc to experience something similar. Be this housing, food, holidays, education whatever.
you are clearly doing your best for your dc - you can use any funds you do have to do anything the local state schools can’t offer e.g extra music, sport, academic.
Some kids are state then do private sixth form (I believe something like 7-8% overall are at private but it is more like 15-20% for yrs 12/13, more anyway ) which could be an option if at that point it seems there would be benefit.
I feel your pain re parents, my PIL have pressurised us hugely over decisions like education, housing …but no cash is ever forthcoming!

Your family are being ridiculous. When they sent you, mortgages and school fees weren't sky high, and CoL wasn't on the rise. You used to be able to afford private school fees on one uni lecturer's salary with a SAHM! Now a uni lecturer can barely afford a small flat, let alone a family.

Show family the finances and ask if they can see how you could afford it.

Don't waste time feeling guilty. Put some money aside for extra tutoring if needed, look for really good music teachers, sports summer schools etc - you can give them as many opportunities.

You could have gained confidence at a state school. Bullying occurs in the private sector - the point is that you only have one set of outcomes to judge.
You can't afford private, that's that. Just ensure that you support your child and the school and give the children extra activities that you can afford.