Guilty that I can't send my kids to private school when I was privately educated

[As8ly4yn]

DS is currently in Year 5 and we're looking at sending him to the local secondary, which is a good school and I've heard nice things about the kids and teachers there, as well as how the school is run.
I went to a private secondary myself and I'm so grateful for the opportunities that it's given me and it's definitely had significant boosts to my motivation and self confidence etc.
However, circumstances mean that it's currently not financially feasible for us to send him (and our other 2 children) there. I'm trying to think of the positives, like the fact that he'll get to continue to mix with local kids and won't be exposed to classism, but I just feel guilty if he doesn't get given as many opportunities as I did.
I'm very thankful for our current financial situation, but coming from a family that made a huge financial sacrifice to send us to private school, who've said that 'if you cared about your kids education that much, you can find away to send them to private', I feel I've let them down.

Private schools have different markets so some are pitched at SEN, some at middle achievers, some mixed ability, some are hot houses, some go for quirky artistic type or sporty types. so it doesnt follow the options opened up are all about the ability to get a job that pays enough to put 3 children in private school.

Put it this way, if you can't afford private yourself then your own private education hasn't been a golden ticket to all your dreams!

I think "private education" is just a kind of placeholder for all sorts of feelings about wanting to give your child good stuff.

What you want is not to give your child private school, but good stuff.

There is plenty of good stuff you can give him.

No.1 good thing would be to teach him that the trick to a fulfilled creative life is to be good at making the most of the opportunities you do in fact have, instead of hankering after things you have not got.

I am sure pretty much every parent in the country (bar the few who are very left wing or are totally feckless/chaotic to care) would like to send their child to a really good private school with amazing facilities. It's not realistic for most. So we need to help our kids make the most of the education opportunities that are right there before them.

Are you saying that everyone who went to private school should prioritise their kids going too over everything else, unless they have a serious illnees that prevents them working? Isn't this rather extreme?

Your parents are apparently not terribly good at maths then, are they. House price to earnings ratios now mean that it's just not possible to afford fees on top of big mortgages. With a smaller loan to value that your parents could afford because the deposit wasn't 3x the average annual salary, they could also remortgage to put a secured loan towards the school fees. On top of that, demand for private schools doesn't match supply, and as a result fees are out of reach of most people.

It seems a rather circular argument, doesn't it?

Send your dc to private school so that they can afford private school for their dc. What's the point?!

@Dobby123456 you haven't read my post completely. I said one of the most valuable things in life is to have options. So whatever you aspire to, if you have the option to do it, it's great right?

Meaning if OP has the option to send her kids to private school, then she would have made the most use of her opportunities

I know this is not all cut and dried as some careers are not well paid unless you make it right to the top and there are so many factors other than opportunity at play. So I am generalising a little

I think it's the implication that earning loads of money is the only way to make good use of an excellent education that I'm struggling with. To send three kids private you have to both be earning very high salaries, often supplemented by savings or help from wider family.

Unfortunately @Dobby123456 having money does give options and yes even happiness to a degree.

But that much money?

In recent attempts to level the playing field, Private education seems to create an extra hurdle rather than help when applying to top university.

Purely Anecdotally, friends' dc at state school have received great, low A level offers to fantastic unis, whilst many of our privately educated friends DC have either been rejected or have much higher grade offers for the identical course.

I do think if you really want to, you'd need to really push yourself to the limit to get them in. But is that really worth it to you? A family friend took out so many loans as a single parent to get her 3 children through private school. For her, she says she'd do the same again. Truthfully her children are successful and lovely kids, though who knows whether they would have been anyway in a state school.

Others may not want to sacrifice this, I have friends who don't want to do this, its just too much pressure on the household.

Interestingly, I believe state school gave my children a greater freedom and confidence to be themselves, rather than being weighed down by others’ expectations. You’re really not being “yourself” if you are feeling such a massive pressure to conform to other people’s expectations to educate your children privately, are you? Surely you have turned into just the opposite of that person if you are actually scared of taking an alternative path to the one you were directed onto?

As for opportunities, I don’t see what is so great in tying all your money up in your children’s school. There is a big, wide world out there - why fill all their waking hours with school-directed activities if you don’t have to? A vanishingly tiny number of private schools offer such high class opportunities that these are always best sourced from the school itself than in the wider world around them. Why make yourself a captive audience to one institution which will simply teach you to be fearful of the alternatives and desperate to burden your own offspring with fees they cannot afford?

I think you have a slightly odd view of schooling. Obviously picked up from your family.
1, People who state educate do also care about education greatly- I come from a family with lots of teachers honestly education was everything! We were state educated. Your family are uninformed snobs sorry.
2, Nerds are not necessarily picked on. The brainy geeky kids were kings at my school. It was always the dim ones who got picked on sadly. You will find state schools can be highly competitive especially on the top sets. Also for comparison bullying was rife at my DH household name selective school.
3, What advantage are you meaning? The kids all end up in the same universitys, You get super confident kids from both sectors and this is down to family support, opportunities that can be gained through activities outside school and of course personality!

You have 3 children that's lovely, enjoy them have days out and stop being guilted over something which is becoming a burdon to many now. My DH is now actually embarrassed about where he went to school and in the work place it is absolutely not an advantage. This will probably become more of an issue over time.

Most MN members absolutely despise private education.

Or live somewhere where the state schools are so good that it negates the need to educate your children privately, or they just can't afford it.

How do you know that the alternative you that went to state school wouldn't have become just as confident?

You have chosen to attribute it to the specific school, but really you have no idea, as there is no alternative reality you to compare it to. It could have just been the process of growing up and the confidence one gets from making academic etc. progress.

You might have become even more confident at a good state school.

I personally think I could have turned out good or bad in any setting, to some extent it is just luck. We all want to pretend we can choose the right option for our kids but really, there are multiple good options and a small number of bad options.

SUPERMASSIVE EYEROLL

Are privately educated people really so terrified of the state school system? I really don't understand why some families will sacrifice everything to privately educate their children. I'd rather be able to enjoy life with them outside of school and not be constantly worried about school fees.

Just tell your family that you don't have 60-90k per year to spend on school fees.

I bet anyone who says 'If you cared enough, you'd send them' must be from another generation. I'd be inclined to go over your outgoings and income with them, and the cost of private schooling, including th enecessary extras, and ask if they can see how you can cut corners to send your children. They'll see it's no longer possible due to extortionate housing costs and general rise in cost of living.

It's really not the end of the world to go to state school! Put money aside for some tutoring in case they need some extra support in key subjects. And money for enrichment. Key extra curricular skills learned privately seem to be a musical instrument to very high level, skiing and/or tennis and maybe a foreign language useful in business, such as Chinese.

Times have changed. What are the state options near you though? Can you move to good schools?

Private is a bubble, I'd only send dc if we were very well off and part of such a bubble. I'd much rather live in a beautiful house in a nice area near a good secondary than spend money on private schooling, personally.

Classism is rife in every school. My daughter is attending a school nursery in a deprived area and many of the low income, working class families have prejudices against the middle class families and vice versa.

Being the 'poor' state-educated relations in a rich family with a lot of privately-educated people in it - you just have to let the occasional daft comment wash over you. You know you care about your children's education. You know that private education can only be chosen by a tiny minority that can find the equivalent of my annual salary in cash, and you're not in that minority. Oh well. Of course private education offers some things that state education doesn't, and I'd be daft to think otherwise, but I also know that my education and my son's education were good quality. What on earth else matters?

A family friend took out so many loans as a single parent to get her 3 children through private school.

Does she have any money put away for her future (a property, investments, a pension)?
If not, it must be quite scary (and guilt-inducing) for her kids.

Your local state schools may be able to offer a very high standard of education. We did have the ability to scrimp and save and send ours private but after a good look at all the available options two of our DC chose (different) state schools. They are both thriving.

My youngest was a quiet, anxious, studious type. She chose a small rural arty school (around 90 students per year and no sixth form) and quickly immersed herself in the drama club and school productions. She's now a confident public speaker. Her school spotted she was very good at modern foreign languages so they are making arrangements for her to take an extra language GCSE. Her brother is quirky and non-conforming. I was worried he'd be bullied but is popular and thriving at his large town-centre state school. He has fantastic relationships with his teachers and has had some excellent career advice for the competitive field he hopes to enter (aeronautics). His school have also adjusted his timetable to enable him to squeeze in an extra GCSE. Added bonus is that DS also competes in two very expensive sports, one at a competitive level, that we would not be able to support him in if we were also paying for his education.

My advice is approach this like an active stakeholder. Make an appointment to view all the local state secondary schools within a reasonable travelling distance. You should be offered a tour of the school during the normal school day and a meeting with the Head/Deputy Head or another senior leader.

Many state schools will operate informal school minibus schemes for out of catchment children. These are often not advertised on their websites so you'll need to phone and ask. You may find the pool of available schools is larger than you think.

Join the parent steering groups at your children's school(s) and be involved. Keep an eye on what they are learning and be prepared to jump in with tutors if they need extra help or if they have any staffing problems in particular subjects. The state school day is short and tutors are comparatively cheap. Look to extra curricular groups (local theatre groups area great) to build confidence and bridge any other gaps.

Finally, don't discount the independent schools. Many have discretionary bursary schemes that are not advertised on their websites - particularly for old girls (if you happen to live near your old school). My DD was informally offered a bursary to a local school as I knew someone who knew someone who administered the scheme. Nepotism is alive and well.

My children have had a far far better state education than I ever did at private school.

Don’t underestimate the advantages of being in an environment where they have to mix with people from all walks of life.