Working parents - how do you do it?

[itsserendipity]

Looking for some advice from you other full time working parents.

My son is about to start school in September, and we have chosen the local state Ofsted 'good' primary. It has an after school club (though, absolutely no info on what they do in it), so I hoped that would help us as we both work full time and have no family to help us out.

However now I'm having a wobble - mainly about the extracurricular activities. His school won't provide things like music lessons or any real competitive sports (doesn't have the facilities or the space), and we won't be able to ferry him around to that after school.

How do you other working parents tackle this? Do you do all extracurricular stuff at the weekend? Did one of you go part time? Ignore extracurricular stuff now and let them pick it up at secondary? Go private? After school nanny?

Grateful for any experiences, as you can tell, this is my first rodeo.

I signed DS at any after school club he was interested in. Since the clubs and the after school club were run in the same site it was never a problem if the club was cancelled. The after school club was not cancelled… ever.

There were times that DS wanted to go to extracurricular activities that were offered away from the school. I worked flexibly, so although my flexible arrangement was not great, I was able to start 15 minutes earlier everyday to leave at 4 on the activity day. Many other times I teamed up with other parents when some would drop at the club after school and I picked up.

There are a lot of activities on the weekends as well.

If you want lots of high quality extracurricular activities, you need to pay for them and a childminder with a car to take your child to them, or consider private school. Personally, I really don’t think you should worry too much about this. To start with your child will be so tired after school while in reception that they may be too tired for afterschool clubs.

Our school have homework club €2/hr, after school club €10/hr and after care club €5/hr. Only aftercare runs until 6 the other two are for an hour. All three are very reliable, we've never had a cancellation (covid excepted). DH wfh so does the collection at 3:30 after the hour school club.

Do you have any flexibility about finishing times? We both work full time but are teachers so can finish a bit earlier some days and do extra at home. DC go to breakfast and after-school club every day but one day I leave work at 4.15 so I can collect DC and get to Brownies at 5. DH finishes earlier one day so he can take DC to swimming at 5.30.

I did work part time until youngest was 7 though. I have found that extra-curricular stuff tends to be earlier the younger they are.

When ours were starting primary, they did nothing after school for a year. Just went to childminder and chilled until they were collected. So if you're both at home, I'd do maybe one activity eg swimming at the weekend.

My commute is an hour and half each way on the days I'm in the office unfortunately, but that's usually only two days a week.

I guess my concern was "how will they fit in extracurricular stuff when young" when they only time available in the week would be evenings, when I'd assume they would be knackered. The answer probably is "don't do many when they're young, they will be knackered"! 😄

What was the deciding factor? A longer school day or just there was more "in" the standard day?

I just don't fret about extracurriculars - as long as DS can go to breakfast club and teatime club and I can get to work, that is the only essential thing. All the schools around here (London) are rock solid for wraparound care - it is never cancelled.

DS does football and parkrun on the weekend, and has chosen athletics and cricket from the after school activities at his school, but these are not to a particularly high standard and truthfully that doesn't bother me at all. He does Beavers on a Friday night and swimming when I feel like it.

We didn't do extracurricular clubs during the week when they were reception. They were too exhausted at the end of the day. They would be at school from 7.40 until 5.50pm. Just on a Saturday or Sunday morning. They're up early anyway so makes sense to get them out of the way.

Without both of us contributing we couldn't do it. It's not easy and has taken a heavy toll on our relationship overall. But, as a whole it appears charmed and happy. The kids are happy and well adjusted.

We have a childminder who is happy to take her charges (she only has three) to after school activities. Sometimes that means my DSs watching child #3’s swimming, sometimes each other. They all seem chilled about it. Our childminder is utter gold and will do reading with them and feeds them supper. DSs do swimming, Beavers/Cubs and cricket. Cricket is the most complicated because of matches etc but it’s all manageable. They’ve also done random after school activities too and she just collects that DS later. Weekends in the winter are free (although DS2 is muttering about rugby, which I’m torn about because it would mean Saturday morning when DH works…).

For is the big disadvantage has been that I wasn’t on the school gate so DSs get far fewer playdates because (‘we don’t know AJ’)…I wish I were joking and we’ve happily hosted at weekends but apparently if you’re not there every single day your children aren’t worth knowing. (Yes, I’m a bit bitter but it isn’t just my experience…one of my true friends has just gone FT and her Y5 son is no longer welcome after six years of all the invitations!).

That's beyond strange. Why on earth would it matter whether the mums know each other, surely it's about who the kids want to hang with! Am I about to get schooled in school gate politics 😂

We're you but a year ahead - both ft, no family nearby. Our after-school club is bullet proof btw.

We've started each finishing early one day so we can pick dc1 up from school and bring her home. Then the other works late in the office. Fortunate to have sufficiently flexible jobs to do that though.

She does football at school once a week which is fine, and swimming on Sundays. I'm loathe to add any more than that for now, she's so tired most of the time.

It is hard. But you'll find your way.

They don’t need to do too much when they’re that little. Ours did swimming on Fridays after school (so after 4pm), music school and gym on weekends. If you work FT then most of the sport has to happen at weekends, which generally means choosing one as pretty much everything is organised for Saturday morning. If they get good at something there might be a midweek evening session but it’s only now mine are upper KS2 that we can do an evening thing without everyone being too tired.

Don’t forget you’ll have school reading/spellings and music practice to fit in as well.

Our after school club has been rock solid, but it is childcare, not an activity club.

If you really want them doing all of tennis/rugby/football/cricket/swimming and you work FT then private school is probably the only option, or a nanny. I’d probably go for a term or year of each sport until you figure out what they actually like, and take it from there.

Yes you are, you need to be an ally to your child. She will be invited to more parties and play dates if you know the mums of their friends.

I would go as far as saying that many of my child’s friendships developed out of the many times their mothers and I ended up meeting for a cup of tea in a play area, chattering on a park bench or waiting for them to finish an activity.

All we did after school was a weekly swimming lesson. We started at about 4yo and it lasted til they were about 9yp when they completed all the stages.

It was only at that point that we really looked for extra stuff to add in - one does basketball, one did a football thing. One night each a week is plenty.

Btw, most of the parents at my DC's school work and she knows loads of the kids from nursery, and they still go to the same after-school club - and so we have gotten to know the parents from pickup there. No issues on the social side from having working parents yet.

(Although we do like the days we get to go to the school to pick up just to feel that bit more involved.)

But don't beat yourself up, your child won't be a pariah if you're not at every pick up!

Your child is, what, five? I would honestly calm down about competitive sports and 'extra-curriculars'. British people are so anxious about that sort of thing, as if their child is about to get left behind in some race to being Olga Korbut/Yehudi Menuhin. Your child may not have the remotest interest in competitive sport. Ask yourself what is is you are worrying about, exactly.

In my experience, apart from a stint living in rural Leicestershire (where I was one of two working mothers out of a class of 27 children), virtually everyone works FT and manages -- I think Mn is unrepresentative in that. We've generally lived in a different country to both our families, so no help there, but again, I think that's entirely normal, and Mn is (again) unrepresentative in lots of posts representing this as anomalous.

Echoing other posters that coordinating activities with your child's friends' parents has been a lifesaver -- we all have demanding, but often flexible jobs, and have one another's back at need.

@itsserendipity both - guaranteed and flexible afterschool care up to 6pm with loads of extra curricular activities. My mum was a teacher and we did loads of extra curricular stuff after school (she worked in the evenings) and I want to be able to give that to my kids too. I appreciate I'm in a very privileged position but the school we've chosen seems to replicate the fairly innocent and active childhood I experienced. I worry my two would get very bored left in the school hall day after day for 3 hours. I remember staff meetings at primary being boring as hell for the staff kids, and we had the run of the school and it was only once a week!

In Reception, DS did swimming on a Saturday morning and taekwondo on a Sunday morning, and in Year 1 he started music lessons which were offered by the school during the school day fortunately. He did get quite a lot of homework for that age so we didn’t think he would be up for an afternoon activity after school. In year 2/3 if he wants to I think he would be ok. We are fortunate in that DH has shifted his hours to work 6-3 from home and I work 9:15-5:15 from home after dropping DS off.

Ah, OK. Well, if they're going to be knackered, then I guess they'll probably be knackered whether you're working or not!

DD has always been a bundle of unquenchable energy so her being too tired do so stuff in the evenings never really entered the equation!

Weekends for extracurricular at reception age. Once they get a bit older ours all do clubs in the evening as well as weekends. My daughter does dance at 6:30 two nights a week. My son plays football two nights a week from 7. I ask after school club to get them to do homework when they are there. It’s a bit of a rush and dinner is often a pizza/ nuggets as no time for cooking between work and clubs. The have school dinners 5 days a week tk make up for that. Also helps to make friends with other parents doing clubs and do split lifts.

Do you have other friends with kids also going to join the school this year? We divvyed up things like swimming, beavers/rainbows on the basis of one take the other bring back or one does both ways one activity none the other. Helps for emergencies - another friend broke her leg so did a whole term of everything for her but then she helped out when I had meetings to go to.

I have four kids and work full time. They all do a few bits so means a fair bit of ferrying around. Never did much in reception, because they are knackered. I changed my working day to 8-4. They go to breakfast club from 7:45. I pick up at 4:15 for after school club and the little ones clubs are mostly 5-6. The elder ones even later.

I do fit it all in, but it's a real juggle and long days. It also only really works because after many years of killer commutes, I no longer have a commute and my work is close to school and activities.

If school is on, after school club is on. So I've found it completely reliable.

What I would say is, extracurriculars are a bit of a sacrifice and in the past mine have done some they didn't particularly care about. Make sure if you are going to the effort of doing it, that the activities are really worth it.

I guess my concern was "how will they fit in extracurricular stuff when young" when they only time available in the week would be evenings, when I'd assume they would be knackered. The answer probably is "don't do many when they're young, they will be knackered"! 😄

This with bells on. I’d pick 1 thing that you feel is too important or that they really want to do and do nothing else. Activities creep up. A year ago I realised we were one of the few people that didn’t do any activities and started more. Now my 8 year old does loads and gets shattered but we don’t really want to drop anything!

As you both have flexibility with your work you will cope, but some days you will only just be coping (sorry but I’d rather say it how it is!). Introduce activities slowly and when you think they’ll be able to handle it.

if you can both start early and finish early some days that will make all the difference to adding activities in. Eg DH starts at 6 one day to finish at 3 then takes our 2 straight to a swimming lesson. I have tea ready for them ready to go when they get in then the 8 year old goes to cubs. No way would she cope with every day being like this but the next day I pick them up after school then she gets an easier day with screen time and an earlier night. Or another day DH again starts early, finishes early, feeds them a mini tea then takes them to football club for 5 pm. They eat again after football and we eat late once they’re in bed.

We’re lucky that the school does after school clubs some days, but they change every half term and sometimes there aren’t any on (there is a separate after school club from an outside provider 4 night a week which is reliable but they don’t like that!). But when on it’s often a 30-45 minute session of some kind of sport - it’s just a way for them to be up and moving and its a perfect length for them at that age. But often 1 child has a club and the other doesn’t - enter the frustrating world of double pickups - always a juggle!

One thing I will say - the advice on Mumsnet is always that your child will be exhausted after school in reception. This may be true for children who are used to being at home all day, apart from a few hours at nursery. But DS was full of beans because I work, and he was well used to a long day at nursery. School was nothing to him and he absolutely needed more physical activity to tire him out, so be prepared for that possibility OP.