Have I done my poor kid a grave disservice in sending him to an independent school?

[Firstgenuni]

I was the first (and only) generation of our family to go to university - as was dh. My parents scrimped and remortgaged to send me to a v middling independent (on a scholarship), and I got a place at Oxford. Dh went state until sixth form, and also got to Oxford, where we met, yadda yadda. My parents (mum is an immigrant, dad left school at 15) always said that there won’t be any inheritance (and there really won’t be!), but my education was their investment in my future.

I did take this to heart, and ds (Year 12) has been in the local independent since reception, for other reasons too (a huge teacher discount of 66% for junior and senior schools being the main one, and load of extracurricular stuff handily on site <given we both work full time> being the other main reason.)
Uni admissions didn’t figure in decisions we made way back. His fair-sized school gets about 15 kids into Oxbridge a year, so good, but no St Paul’s, etc (about 80 apply, I think)

Ds now has his heart set on natural sciences on Cambridge. I know nothing about it - both dh and I did humanities subjects. But we tell him to use the internet to search up natural science taster sessions and essay competitions and online courses, and see what interesting things he can find.
He’s now finding that there just aren’t many things available.

Pembroke college, for instance, that he loves the sound of, is running a taster event for natural sciences - online, but ‘due to capacity restrictions, successful applicants must be attending a UK state school.’ It’s online, ffs!

Newnham college (yes I know he can’t go there ) runs all their essays for UK state schools only now, despite a friend of ds’s at a neighbouring independent winning one of their prizes just last year. Is this the way things are going?

I’ve chatted to his head of sixth, and they are very much offering advice like yes, we are encouraging applications to the Ivy League now too, and look at this great summer course by invest costing over £400. . Meanwhile, his cousin enjoyed a totally free materials science course run in the hols by a major independent as part of their ‘outreach to state schools’ - but is at a very well-respected grammar, with a good sized Oxbridge cohort anyway!

We don’t have £400 for fancy courses. We don’t have lots of connections like a lot of wealthier parents seem to. I feel extremely sad that I have, inadvertently, made it so much more difficult for ds to achieve his ambition.

Obviously he is reading science books out of the school library and pursuing the topics that he is interested in, and he’s watching videos and listening to podcasts, but what can he do to impress that doesn’t cost money, but isn’t restricted to state school students?

And I know I’ll get a load of flack for complaining, but it really feels as though things are being made extra difficult for ds for being the ‘poor relation’ in an independent- and it’s my fault. [eyeroll]

Short version: your DS doesn't need a taster. He's been fed the whole 10 course menu already.

Do also bear in mind that any articles you read about this stuff inevitably feature disgruntled parents complaining that their kid didn’t get in due to anti-private prejudice, when it’s actually far more likely they didn’t get in because they weren’t good enough 🤷‍♀️

Nat Sci is great. But you don't need to do it at Cambridge. It is available, with a slightly different end path, at other places.
I did it at Bath. While the entry requirements weren't spectacularly high, it was a cluster of people wandering round with 4 or 5 grade As (in the days when most people did 3 A levels).
Yes, try for Cambridge. But also consider elsewhere. IME, Nat Sci attracts some insanely bright people, who go on to do some pretty spectacular stuff (along with some SAHMs!).

You have given your son a fantastic schooling. You have given him opportunities and ambitions. Don't stress about one small thing that is available to some other kids to try and regain a small amount of balance.

Your son is not disadvantaged by going to an independent school. He has privilege. The state school students are disadvantaged.

If it helps sociologist Michael S. Kimmel uses the metaphor of a wind to explain the concept of privilege. When you walk into the wind you have to struggle for each step that you take. When you walk with the wind, you don't feel the wind at all but you still move faster than you would otherwise. The wind is privilege and if it flows with you, it simply propels you forward with less or little effort of your own.

Can you not see that your DS has been walking with the wind their entire education?
In comparison, a state school student has been walking into the wind. Not necessarily every step. But they need some help to level the playing field with your son. Please don't begrudge them. And teach your son not to begrudge it either.

Can you look at archaeology, geology or palaeontology summer field schools which you can spin on his personal statement into "seeing the practical applications of the natural sciences" or a week or two's work experience at a GP surgery or hospital? Could he organise outreach by offering his services to a local comp or primary (or the pre-prep at his own school) as a science learning mentor or club together with his mates and put together an exciting "science show" doing some fun demos (elephant's toothpaste for example) and do it at a local primary/pre-prep/prep (or at his school's next open day) or start a YouTube channel to help GCSE students with science revision? The field schools will cost but any of these will show an interest in science (and will show that he's a resourceful self-starter).

Can you look at archaeology, geology or palaeontology summer field schools which you can spin on his personal statement into "seeing the practical applications of the natural sciences"

Why would you do this?

Oh also the OU (open university) offer TONS of free courses including in science: www.open.edu/openlearn/free-courses/full-catalogue

Just what the 'local comp' needs. Indy students coming in to mentor them in order to bolster their CVs and elbow their way even further ahead in the queue.....

This!!! 🙌

Why would I try to offer helpful advice to the OP when the thread is derailing into virtue-signalling about privilege? No idea...

Having been on archaeological digs where the bioarchaeology or archaeological chemistry specialists are called in, and where they give talks on such things to everyone on-site, I guess maybe I have overestimated other people's ability to see cross-curricular links?

Thanks everyone - both for the helpful advice and for the kicks up the arse!

I don’t think the school will offer extra classes for Oxbridge preparation (at least I’ve only heard of certain departments doing it, and those were all humanities), but he will get a practice interview if he goes ahead with an application, for certain, and I shall try to be very grateful for that, and for the science and maths clubs he is involved in, so you’re right, he is getting an opportunity to show his interest because of the school he is at, which is certainly more than many state schools, I’m sure.

I went to the "local comp" and it was standard in my sixth form to mentor younger students to give older students experience and cement their understanding of science/maths. I mentored in maths and worked with a student with asperger's who loved a good chair throw. I actually failed AS-maths but my GCSE knowledge was sound and my volunteering was one of the only positives from that year. It taught me a lot and got him back on track and enabled the teacher to get on with teaching. I mean I could have suggested OP's son could charge money for this and call it tutoring and plenty of kids do, but I was focusing on him giving something back in a win-win situation. Are people with knowledge expected to hoard it? Bizarre.

Sorry, but that is pretty patronizing. You failed AS maths but didn't want to hoard this knowledge?

In my state comp our sixth formers did lots of tutoring in the lower school. We didn't need the support of students from private schools - but thanks anyway.

Sorry, @PeekabooAtheZoo, you're right, I should have expressed myself differently.

I mean - why would you try to 'twist' something? Either he likes archaeology or he doesn't. If he likes archaeology he should apply for it. Applying for one subject and saying 'but look, I tried to game the system by pretending this other subject is totes relevant' seems to me discourteous to the people interviewing and quite weird. It'd be a bit like rocking up to interview for maths and saying 'well guys, we all know maths is really boring and shit, so I did these fun courses on applied physics! Like, maths but in the real world!'

It's ... not calculated to make people think kindly of you.

(Obviously, there are people who have genuine wide interests and can convincingly explain why one thing led to their interest in another, but you're not talking about an established interest, you're talking about trying to shoehorn something to fit.)

Natural sciences are basically a mix of Geography, biology, chemistry and physics. Can he find interesting summer schools in any of these areas? Can he volunteer in any of these fields?

I'm glad you've taken our posts in (to a point - you'll TRY to be grateful?)

But seriously, I really don't think that you realise just how privileged your boy is, and just how different state schools are from independents when it comes to almost unconscious preparation for Oxbridge (never mind the education).
Indy pupils learn alongside attitudes from all staff that Oxbridge is a real option, even an expectation, and there's a background of knowledge and comfort with the idea. They'll have the contacts. They arrive to interview with all that to give them the confidence to give it a go.

My daughter only applied because her best friend wanted her to go with her to those three lunchtime sessions so that she wasn't alone. And then she got enthused. It just wasn't an expectation like it is in independents, and with the best will in the world, her school was unable to prepare her to the level that the six applicants that she met the night before interview had received. And no she didn't get taster sessions or courses.

Logically, I should surely be the resentful one here? I'm not, of course. Neither of us was worried whether she got in or not, and she enjoyed the experience. She didn't get a place, but did exceptionally well at the University that actually had a better reputation for her subject than Cambridge did.

It's great that your DS is aiming high OP, and good luck to him with his applications. However, your post reminds me of our local, very well regarded rugby club. It's massively over subscribed, and priority is given to children at local state schools, because part of the ethos is access to rugby for all. All the local private school parents moan about "the discrimination", when their DC have access to ex-international rugby players as coaches at their schools.

If you’re anywhere near London, think about joining the RI and attending talks.

Of course you haven't.

He's had an education away from the reality of the State sector, where there isn't enough money, huge numbers of kids with behavioural issues, huge numbers from lives with no knowledge of anything other than poverty and hopelessness, where opportunity is limited to the amount that can be scraped together from UC or the PPG. He's grown up knowing that friends' parents are doctors, solicitors, judges, actuaries, architects, etc, and it's normal - instead of it being normal for a single parent to be scraping by on care work/ZHC and not being able to put any money into the parentpay account.

The state sector can be great - but in all, they are fighting against so many things that your DS has been protected from. Which has enabled him to learn and develop so much more easily than had he been in the nearest RI school.

He'll do just grand. Because you have been able to give him that learning environment.

I run my school’s programme, not extra classes just getting the students asking themselves the right questions.

At this stage I would be asking what they are reading, what of this is most interesting and how are the following up? Doesn’t have to be snobbish big tomes but show genuine interest and curiosity. It is all about the journey and development. “I did XXX I found Y interesting so then I did ZZZ. “ It really doesn’t have to be fancy, some books, a MOOC, online lectures, YouTube etc…

The Very Short Introduction books are good.

The next step is to be prepared for the admissions test. You have to answer different sections and you do need to practise, the question style is unique.

I mean - why would you try to 'twist' something? Either he likes archaeology or he doesn't. If he likes archaeology he should apply for it. Applying for one subject and saying 'but look, I tried to game the system by pretending this other subject is totes relevant' seems to me discourteous to the people interviewing and quite weird. It'd be a bit like rocking up to interview for maths and saying 'well guys, we all know maths is really boring and shit, so I did these fun courses on applied physics! Like, maths but in the real world!'

What a pp was saying is at university level, subjects are interdisciplinary. There is not a neat pile of biology here and biology there. Students are taught to think in an interdisciplinary fashion. This shows they are already doing that.

YABU and I think you really know that. If you had sent him to the local state school, your son could easily have turned out very differently and could now have a different attitude to school work for instance.

Competition for Oxbridge places is intense and every year many qualified candidates from all sectors will lose out on a place.
This doesn't mean you made the wrong decision and you should accept that teaching-quality and peer group influence wise, your son is already at an advantage over those from most state schools.

The admissions test is key, OP. Your school will know that and how to help prep
for it. Many schools won’t!

What a pp was saying is at university level, subjects are interdisciplinary. There is not a neat pile of biology here and biology there. Students are taught to think in an interdisciplinary fashion. This shows they are already doing that.

But natural sciences is not 'biology'. It's already interdisciplinary, and it isn't archaeology or anything else. Nor is it a theoretical subject without practical applications.

Cambridge academics aren't idiots. If you get a student who applies saying they want to study x but have done y and z instead, but ooh, y and z are totally relevant to x, then that student will need to have a very convincing reason why that is the case. Shuffling one's feet and saying 'well, erm, actually it was just the only thing I could find and I figured if I spouted some verbiage about interdisciplinarity you'd be fooled' will not work.

As a student from an independent school he will already have a wealth of privileges: higher exam results than he would likely have got at state school, better networking contacts, probably more self-confidence, more cultural capital, and so on.