Help - how much choice do you give to child?

[bloomingbarbara]

DS, 11, has got a place for September at a state grammar school, if we want it (not accepted yet). He is currently at a small independent prep school which he is very happy at. He has always said he doesn’t mind if he stays at prep (which goes to end of year 8) or go to the grammar. However, in the last couple of weeks he has expressed a preference to stay at his prep. He says he likes being part of a small class where he knows everyone, and he doesn’t want to go to a bigger school. Tonight when I said I thought we’d have to accept the grammar school place he burst into tears about it. He’s not an anxious or teary child usually.

The thing is that we cannot afford independent senior school! We’d have to be begging for bursaries etc. Alternatively he could go to a local comp from year 9 - none of which are bad schools so I’m not anti this but is it mean to send him from prep to comp? He could try for a Year 9 grammar place but it’s very unlikely.
I just don’t know what’s for the best! I feel 2+ years is a long time and so much could change but also I don’t want to kick myself that we gave up a grammar school place.
What would you do?

ps I know this is MASSIVELY a first world problem!!

pps we are not in a super competitive area for grammar or independent schools.

Go with the grammar if you can’t afford the prep. It will be better to go now when everyone is new and there will be others from prep schools there. Going to the comp in year 9 will be tough. Everyone will have made friends. They’ll probably start him in lower sets etc. So will be much more uphill. Good luck.

Of course go with the grammar.

Where is not super competitive for grammar places? Do it.

Thanks for your replies. I don’t know if I feel the same as you all! I can see the benefit of the last two years of prep - so many opportunities for sport, plays, trips etc. But at the same time, yes, would we kick ourselves for having given up grammar place. If my son desperately wants to stay at current school I think that’s valid. I feel incredibly conflicted!

I would rather a child move in year 7 than 9 due to settling in and friendship groups.

Would go with grammar too.

I would move him for Y7 rather than Y9 if you know that you cannot afford independent at 13+.

Is it possible that DS is clinging on to the hope that if he stays where he is then there's a chance that he'll move to an independent at 13+ with his prep school friends?

I would have a very honest conversation with him about why it makes sense to move now when everyone is new and it will be much easier to develop new friendships. You may need to be honest that independent secondary is not an option but that he will have lots of opportunities for sport, drama etc. at the Grammar.

The majority of the children staying on at the prep would be those who will be going on to independent schools.

You need to have a conversation with your DS about your finances and what is and isn't possible. If you can keep him in prep for 2 more years then he has to know the next step will be the comprehensive school. If he is self driven, no reason why he wouldn't achieve the same as in the grammar

Grammar.
Our DC did the same when faced with either staying on or moving. It is daunting - nerve wrecking for adults, worse for kids - but he was totally fine after a few days and never looked back.

If you really can't afford senior school you'd be a fool to not move him now. It's upsetting but he will be fine once he's there.

He's freaking out about leaving his friends and change (and I suspect with lockdown he hasn't seen them in a while due to the schools being shut).
Leaving him there for 2 years will postpone things but he'll then have a freak out when he has to leave his friends (the same freak out he's having now). Only he'll be moving to a comprehensive with established friendship groups and worse academic results.
Move him now, when no one will no anyone and it will be easier to make friends and where his results are likely to be better. The grammar is not only the best choice academically, but also socially.

Is it a nice comp? Dc join my DD’s comp at all sorts of different times and settle in. If the comp has high achieving sets then year 9 is a fine time to join as they go in to sets anyway for GCCEs. If he is anxious he might not be best suited to a grammar, they are gruelling for the children that don’t suit that environment.

Big secondaries sound terrifying to a lot 10yos. Must be even worse this year.

Accept the Grammar. When do you have to give notice to the prep?

Are you in a grammar county? It’s not super selective in Bucks. However the non grammar schools are not comps. I also know there are rarely places for y9 in the grammars or the best secondary schools. It would be a massive risk.

I think you do have to be honest and get him over his fear of change. It’s very cosy to stay at the prep. I assume he’s with friends that are doing 13 plus into independent schools. At the prep my DD went to, quite a few left at 11 for the grammars but the majority stayed until 13. None wanted a grammar at 13. They all went to independent schools.

I think the only thing you can do is be honest about money. He also sat the test knowing this could be an outcome. I would not promise to remove him from the grammar as a bribe. You cannot afford it, so he must know that. He does see others affording it, so naturally wants the same.

It’s daunting for DC from small village schools to transfer to bigger ones at 11. Therefore explain to him that the school will be great at settling everyone in and they are used to DC who are a bit unsure. Also look at what he might really enjoy at the grammar.

Lastly, does he not have any friends going at all? Surely other DC are going from the school? Can you form a support network? What about other DC where you live?

I would think starting at state school would be much harder at year 9 when you are possibly the only new boy. I understand why your DS wants to stay, but I think you might regret it in 2 years time.

Go with the grammar. He’ll get over it.

From experience class sizes are generally much smaller in a grammar than at a comp.

Opportunities for sport will also most likely be much better at the grammar than the comp. The grammar schools round here play in the same leagues as the local independent schools.

Really the culture shock will be much much less than going to the local comp at year 9.

Most children would rather stay at a school they know with their friends, than move to a new school. Even if the new school is Hogwarts :)

If you can't afford private education it's much better to move him to start a new school at the same time as everyone else.

I agree with what the majority are expressing, it will be a lesser shock now than the comprehensive in a few years time. Arrange for your son to see his friends in other ways in advance, so he knows he can still maintain those friendshipa. I expect that most children in your sons position would make lots of new friends in the grammar too though, and this seem much better in retrospect for your son. It would also be helpful i think to explain your rationale on independent, grammar and comp to him.

Is it possible that DS is clinging on to the hope that if he stays where he is then there's a chance that he'll move to an independent at 13+ with his prep school friends?

This is the reason you should move him to the Grammar from Sept. No matter how many times you've explained and he's agreed, I'll bet he's hoping something will happen and he'll stay with the same group. I've been in a very similar situation and delayed a move for two years and I kick myself now that we did.

He's going to be sad to leave his school and his friends in Y7 or Y9 - it's an inevitable 'pain' that you can't save him from, it can only be delayed.
He's a child and two years is a fifth of his entire lifetime - it seems like another world away and he's going to try and delay it.

The transition will be so so much easier in Y7 than Y9 though.

Is it more of a case of him being worried about change (not unreasonable at the moment) and thinking that staying at the same school equals security for now? How many of the children are staying on for Y7&8? Increasingly loads bale out at 11 anyway so it's not the same as it has been (which can be good or bad....).

I agree that if he's going to go to the grammar, far better to move now. Some of the indy secondary day schools still take at 11 or 13 so joining there at 13 is less unusual but if you're worrying about him setting, probably better to do it now unless you think he'd be more resilient to do it in two years' time?

All the grammars in my LA work on 30 in a class. The PAN is based on that and if they were not full it’s likely appeals would allow DC in who didn’t score the required 11 plus mark. In fact some grammars are 33 in a class due to appeals. Bigger than the secondary schools.

However most state schools will have 30 in a class unless no one wants DC to go there. It’s been the standard class (Pan) number in my LA since the 60s!

Around me, getting into any good at 13 would be a challenge. They tend to be full. It’s a massive risk if you want a good state school. Appeals ensure they fill up and don’t have vacancies.

I know that it would be a bit mad to give up a place at a good grammar, but I do feel sad that he will miss out on so much at his current school that would be good for his confidence, plus I’d much rather he stayed on in a co ed school for longer. However, we can’t have it all and I know we’re in an extremely fortunate position. He has friends staying and friends leaving. I think he’s worried about the change but also LOVES sport at school and there just won’t be the same amount at a state secondary school. First world problems!
Thanks for your replies.

@PresentingPercy yes, 30 in a class at the grammar, sometimes more. Will be quite a change from his current 16!

My daughter's moved from classes of 14&17 into classes of 30&31 when we moved back to the UK last year (and from a school of 100ish children into a school of over 400). They adapted quickly. They miss being able to play with the other half of their year at the moment.

You are going have to move him now or in 2 years. Move him now when everybody will be a new kid learning the ropes. There is no advantage that I can see to keeping at the prep - you may not even get a place at the grammar in 2 years- if fact it might be very unlikely. You can't afford it so move him now and save your money.