Help - how much choice do you give to child?

[bloomingbarbara]

DS, 11, has got a place for September at a state grammar school, if we want it (not accepted yet). He is currently at a small independent prep school which he is very happy at. He has always said he doesn’t mind if he stays at prep (which goes to end of year 8) or go to the grammar. However, in the last couple of weeks he has expressed a preference to stay at his prep. He says he likes being part of a small class where he knows everyone, and he doesn’t want to go to a bigger school. Tonight when I said I thought we’d have to accept the grammar school place he burst into tears about it. He’s not an anxious or teary child usually.

The thing is that we cannot afford independent senior school! We’d have to be begging for bursaries etc. Alternatively he could go to a local comp from year 9 - none of which are bad schools so I’m not anti this but is it mean to send him from prep to comp? He could try for a Year 9 grammar place but it’s very unlikely.
I just don’t know what’s for the best! I feel 2+ years is a long time and so much could change but also I don’t want to kick myself that we gave up a grammar school place.
What would you do?

ps I know this is MASSIVELY a first world problem!!

pps we are not in a super competitive area for grammar or independent schools.

@minniemoocher out of interest what makes it harder to switch to state at that age - many manage it at 6th form with little problem. Is it not having the resilience for larger classes? Or not being used to working independently without hand holding?

@Turth
Children who stay to 13 are generally not going to go to the local comp, however good it is. That’s not their usp. At 13 they will usually head to boarding schools.

Most schools with 100% intake at 11 will not necessarily have space at 13. Especially the sought-after ones with academically bright dc. Even if they do, friendships are formed, GCSEs are possibly chosen and a child joining in y9 can be out of the loop. If I had a grammar place at 11 I wouldn’t risk it. If the comp was wonderful I’m assuming the op wouldn’t have bothered with the grammar? However accepting a comp after spending prep fees up to the age of 13, at possibly £20,000 a year, seems a lot of money for little advantage. The advantage gained is the grammar place. If it’s an area with several grammars or a grammar county, no other school is truly comprehensive. The top 30% of the high achievers are in the grammars. In that scenario, there are very few doctors or lawyers in the secondary moderns.

Also in a 13 prep, the final year is all about entry to senior school. The curriculum is geared to that. The whole ethos is scholarships and prestige of school. The DS will be different in y7 snd y8 because he’s doing none of it. The curriculum and continued revision for CE and entrance exams isn’t really suitable for comp entry.

Hmmm @PresentingPercy arguably private school at any stage is 'a lot of money for little advantage'. Plenty of middle class DC going on to great universities, top notch jobs and happy lives without it. Each to their own.

Usually, parents who choose prep to 13 are expecting more! Whether they get it or not is obviously a moot point. As we have spent enervation a complaining about class bias and access to the best universities, I would say there was plenty of evidence it confers benefit.

However anyone who has a dc at a top boarding school, is not just looking for academics. The difference between a comp and the broader education offered at a top boarding school is as wide as the Pacific. It really is not just about results. I won’t bother anyone with why people still want top schools, but it’s not to have exactly the same as the company down the road.

Comp down the road!

@PresentingPercy and yet my husband was at the top boys boarding school and has a good career and is no different in real terms from his colleagues who didn’t go to that, or another private school. He plays no more sport as an adult than they do, goes to similar places on holiday, is no more happy than them, his core relationships are no different to theirs. So what were his parents paying for, he often wonders? Especially as they bankrupted themselves to pay for it (old money, ran out!)

And here in today’s Times we have an account from a girl from the ‘top’ girls school.
Schools are schools - they all have the same bullying, variety pack of staff, leadership issues.

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/soma-sara-teenage-sexual-abuse-didnt-merely-exist-when-i-was-at-school-it-thrived-f3lbdkq22

Connections is what you pay for. Some take advantage and some don’t. It’s like a club. You don’t have to belong, but if you do, it opens doors. Bankrupting yourself is always a bad idea. People with confidence and money tend to thrive. The best private education isn’t just about work. It defines who you are and where you came from. Thousands of people see a top school as a ticket to something they like. Often a much broader education. Tradition. The uniform. Serious sport (nothing to do with playing it later) and a flourish old boy network. Even work experience is organised by old boys. That’s what you can get. If you want it.

@PresentingPercy And yet my husband's friends and colleagues and friends from the other side of the fence are really no different to him, not in any meaningful way, not in terms of life-style, happiness, job satisfaction, health.
So again I will quote your own remarks back at you and say arguably private school at any stage is 'a lot of money for little advantage'. The difference is little, and it really isn't worth the enormous amount of money (judged against most parental income/savings.) Far better to give children money for deposits on their homes and look after your own pension.

Do you not realise that lots of people can do all of that? Do you honestly think Eton or Harrow parents are saving like mad for a pension or a deposit for DS? Of course not. Private education makes little difference on the fringes. At the upper end you are buying something else.

Absolutely move to grammar in year 7 rather than comp in year 9. Places at a grammar in year 9 will be hard to come by unfortunately so I would only keep him at prep if he can go private in year 9 onwards.

Try and find some others going to the grammar who he can Zoom with or maybe meet for a walk.
He will be much happier if he has at least one friend.

@PresentingPercy Not really. DH’s Eton friends don’t have particularly sparkling careers or any better happiness or glamourous social lives than DH’s other friends. They are in solid fairly uninspiring employment. True you get the odd Boris but most Eton alumini go on to have fairly mediocre lives.

Be honest with your ds that you can’t afford private secondary.

And plan a nice post-COVID holiday with the fees you’ll save in year 7 and 8.

FWIW, I don’t think 10/11 year olds should be put in the position of choosing secondary schools. It’s too much pressure.

Most children in Y6 will feel some uncertainty about moving to a new school for Y7, even if it's a school they're excited about moving to. Some of your DS's uncertainty will be exacerbated by knowing he doesn't have to move this year but may be reduced once he knows a definite decision has been made.

He's done well to get into the grammar and it makes sense for him to start in Y7 along with everyone else. Postponing the school change not only means he's unlikely to be able to transfer to the grammar at 13 but may well result in him missing out on having a full choice of GCSE options especially with regard to triple science and preferred languages if the school he moves to chooses GCSE options in Y8. He runs the risk of just being allocated subjects where there is space and possibly not even knowing what those subjects will be until he joins in the September of Y9. He'll be expected to take up a school place within a couple of weeks of it being offered so whilst others in Y8 at his prep will be chatting about where they're off to, he's unlikely to be able to join in and won't be able to have his next school put in the year book/whatever is done for the leavers.