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Original poster

Difficult situation involving siblings.

104 replies

SeashellShoeshine · 06/03/2021 08:23

Hi.

I have 3DD. All state educated in junior school. Oldest two now happy, settled and thriving at private senior school. DD3 still at junior state school in her final year, and has struggled (like many) during lockdown with home schooling. I know she’s fallen behind, but there’s nothing more I can do. I am not an academic or a teacher myself. I know I have let her down. Due to these factors she failed the entrance test for private school. We live in an area where there is very little choice regarding schools both state and private. The only state school is one of the lowest performing schools in the county.

Now I have two dilemmas. Both horrible, and potentially hugely damaging. Do I;

A.) let DDS attend state school on her own and hope that she adapts to the situation and doesn’t feel resentment towards myself and her siblings.

B.) Remove siblings from private school and hope that they will have gained enough experience to be able to get good exam results, if they ever have the chance to sit exams again while they are in education. At the moment DD1 is on course to get As & some Bs in whatever pathetic and unfair alternative of qualifications they are offering this year.

I realise that life really isn’t always fair amongst siblings, and that Covid has ruined many, many lives. But this situation is hugely worrying. Potentially the psychological damage and bullying that this invites could stay with them for life.

I can’t move, I know that could have been an option but I am unable to do so. I sold everything I have to give DD the best chance in life.

OP posts:
SpiderinaWingMirror · 06/03/2021 10:41

Given that you already have 2 few there,have you actually made an appt and spoken to the Head? Seriously, if they think they are going to lose the older 2 they may well look favourably on number 3.

WinterRobin · 06/03/2021 10:48

@SpiderinaWingMirror makes a good point about making an appointment with the head. But you also must have an idea about how academic your third dd is? How has she been doing academically up to now? Is she bright enough to thrive at the private school or would she struggle with the standard of work? Some private schools are very pressurised. I’ve heard of a couple that ask you to leave if you don’t pass their internal exams which is ridiculous in a way, but is all to do with how the school looks.

Kintsuji · 06/03/2021 10:48

@Frankie4me

Moving your older DDS would be very unfair to them and damage their relationship with you and their sister. It could also damage their confidence and future. Send the youngest DD to the state school and support with tutoring using the fees saved.
Could you do this for a year and then reapply?
loopyapp · 06/03/2021 10:54

My oldest sons school is a brilliant state school that offers boarding it has a second school attached to it that can be attended by y9 upwards called that teaches vocational studies

Have a look Queen Elizabeth School in Kirby Lonsdale

Good luck.

RandomMess · 06/03/2021 11:15

There is also state boarding at Gordon's in West End Surrey.

PegasusReturns · 06/03/2021 11:22

This is a really weird thread - what has the head said? You must have talked to them?

Spudina · 06/03/2021 11:26

This was always going to be a risk when you started down the private education route. There's no guarantee that your youngest would have got in, even without lockdown. Looking at my two DDs, one is very academic and the other just isn't. The important thing is to make her feel like she hasn't let the family down. You have the money to maximise whatever learning opportunities are out there. Your worries about the state school are understandable though and in your shoes I would be looking for an alternative.

partyatthepalace · 06/03/2021 11:31

Oh that’s grim OP. However at this point - stop blaming yourself - you did the best you could at the time - and focus on finding a practical solution. It’s important you set an example here to stop DD3 blaming herself and elder DDs worrying. First question is DD3 genuinely academically as able as elder DDs? It won’t impact on all your decisions but it’s important to be realistic about everything now.

Moving your elder DDs is not a solution to anything, but clearly you don’t want them in a great school and your youngest in a bad school. So -

  1. Make a list of all your other options - weekly boarding schools, private day schools a longer drive away, good state schools a longer drive away, state boarding schools. Post on here and ask locally for suggestions.
  2. Write to the head and the board of governors at your elder DDs school. Lay it on thick. You never know. (Don’t do this if she wouldn’t realistically cope with it academically.)
  3. Figure out how you will afford the more expensive alternatives - eg weekly boarding 11-16, or transport to a further away private school. It is likely doable if you think about how. State boarding won’t be a problem - will be less than private day.
  4. Put your list of alternatives in order of preference, including some backups at the top of your list, and work on getting your daughter on the lists - see if good state schools have spaces, what you need to do to get into the indies etc.
  5. Arrange virtual visits as you get to know what the options are.
  6. Pick something.

The other option is of course to send your daughter to the local place and tutor her, but if it’s that bad, and there is bullying, it doesn’t sound like much of an option.

Your daughter may be resistant to boarding, but you may well find schools that do flexi boarding, so she could come home say on on Wednesday. If there is no day alternative see if she will try it, she may well end up liking it.

thereinmadnesslies · 06/03/2021 11:43

The private school sounds pretty uncaring - usually where a family has several children at the same school, any younger child is given the benefit of the doubt if they are borderline in the entrance tests. At the very least the school would take the time to explain the decision, because by not admitting DD3 your relationship with the school is affected. If they are not willing to give feedback on DD3’s application, I’m not sure i would want to give them tens of thousands of pounds in the future anyway.

ItsReallyOnlyMe · 06/03/2021 12:10

There are online private schools opening up now - are these a possibility ? She could then join local clubs etc for socialising.

FudgeSundae · 06/03/2021 12:19

This is meant to be helpful so I hope it is:
I see this as a great opportunity to teach your DD resilience and what to do in times of adversity. She failed. Ok, she’s had a dollop of bad luck with COVID and homeschooling, but if this is the first time she’s been unlucky, it won’t be the last! This will happen all through life - missed uni places, no job offer, etc.
Help her cope with it and make a plan. That might be: make the most of the state school. It might be supplement with paid tutoring. It might be try again in 2 years as PPs are saying. But part of the reason she is stressed and unable to cope is that she is picking up your feelings. Trust that she will be fine, discuss the challenges she might face at her new school, and show her you believe she can cope, and she will.

helpmum2003 · 06/03/2021 12:32

@loopyapp Queen Elizabeth School in Kirkby Lonsdale is great and does have a vocational option but doesn't have boarding.
Dallam school close by in Milnthorpe does have state boarding.

loopyapp · 06/03/2021 23:11

[quote helpmum2003]@loopyapp Queen Elizabeth School in Kirkby Lonsdale is great and does have a vocational option but doesn't have boarding.
Dallam school close by in Milnthorpe does have state boarding.[/quote]
Oh my word i am so sorry.. How the heck did I mix that up :/ sorry

UpDownQuark · 07/03/2021 09:24

Keswick school also does state boarding. I’m guess though that if you other children are commuting 40 miles daily, you’re nearer London.

There must be somewhere within, say, 10 miles of you that would be ok. Perhaps not ideal, but ok?

justanotherneighinparadise · 07/03/2021 09:38

My only other thought is you home school her? I would definitely contact the private school and plead with them to reconsider.

justanotherneighinparadise · 07/03/2021 09:40

A really I have one further thought. I don’t suppose you have any relatives elsewhere she could stay with during term time then attend a school near them, come home for holidays etc? It’s a bit old fashioned as an idea (I’ve been reading Famous Five and some Jane Austen novels recently) but desperate times call for desperate measures.

needadvice54321 · 07/03/2021 09:41

Tricky one. We moved house when I was yr 8 and younger brother was coming up to year 7. My parents could afford to send one of us privately and as my brother was academically more able he was the one put forward. I was resentful, I knew in my heart I wouldn't have got into the school, but I couldn't help but feel like I wasn't as good. As an adult now I can understand why they did it, but having had two children very different academically I made a point that if both couldn't go to private school, neither would go.

However, in your position I wouldn't pull your eldest daughters out either! How far away from passing the entry exams would your youngest be? Could you pay for some tuition ?

RuthW · 07/03/2021 09:47

I would leave the eldest where they are.

Send the youngest to the state school and see how she goes. Spend the money on getting tutoring for the core subjects.

Could you hone school for a while with lots of tutors? Hopefully she can do the exam again in a year or so and pass.

My dd is a maths teacher who also tutors, now remotely, so you can use tutors from anywhere.

needadvice54321 · 07/03/2021 09:48

@SpiderinaWingMirror

Given that you already have 2 few there,have you actually made an appt and spoken to the Head? Seriously, if they think they are going to lose the older 2 they may well look favourably on number 3.
I wondered this too
Stokey · 07/03/2021 11:57

You also mentioned a boys school that has only taken girls for 2 years. This sounds like an option?

And are you on the waiting list for the out of catchment state school? Are there any grounds you could appeal the state decision on?

UpDownQuark · 07/03/2021 12:07

I think that was ‘only takes girls in its two final years’, I.e. not at age 11.

Stokey · 07/03/2021 15:11

Oh that makes more sense!

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 07/03/2021 15:19

SeashellShoeshine I've only read all your posts, not everyone's, so I apologise if someone has already asked, but two options you haven't mentioned are an out of area boarding school or homeschooling permanently using a paid for online school so you won't be doing actual teaching (as you don't sound confident about actually teaching). This can be done around full time work, though you'd probably want to avoid her being home alone 8 hours per day aged 11 so would only work if you or your husband can work from home most of the time simply to be around, not teach, or if you both have some flexibility with hours / shifts to juggle so she's not alone more than a couple of hours most days (possible especially where one parent works shifts and the other flexi office hours).

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 07/03/2021 15:22

If you live in the UK already with a settled address (not moving every year for work) you'll be really unlikely to get a state boarding place.

JSL52 · 07/03/2021 15:29

@SeashellShoeshine

I absolutely can not ever move. As I say it would involve splitting up the family.
Why would it ? Don't answer if you don't want to just seems odd you can NEVER move.