Difficult situation involving siblings.

[SeashellShoeshine]

Hi.

I have 3DD. All state educated in junior school. Oldest two now happy, settled and thriving at private senior school. DD3 still at junior state school in her final year, and has struggled (like many) during lockdown with home schooling. I know she’s fallen behind, but there’s nothing more I can do. I am not an academic or a teacher myself. I know I have let her down. Due to these factors she failed the entrance test for private school. We live in an area where there is very little choice regarding schools both state and private. The only state school is one of the lowest performing schools in the county.

Now I have two dilemmas. Both horrible, and potentially hugely damaging. Do I;

A.) let DDS attend state school on her own and hope that she adapts to the situation and doesn’t feel resentment towards myself and her siblings.

B.) Remove siblings from private school and hope that they will have gained enough experience to be able to get good exam results, if they ever have the chance to sit exams again while they are in education. At the moment DD1 is on course to get As & some Bs in whatever pathetic and unfair alternative of qualifications they are offering this year.

I realise that life really isn’t always fair amongst siblings, and that Covid has ruined many, many lives. But this situation is hugely worrying. Potentially the psychological damage and bullying that this invites could stay with them for life.

I can’t move, I know that could have been an option but I am unable to do so. I sold everything I have to give DD the best chance in life.

Two DD already travel 40 miles.

What a predicament. I’m sorry to say I dated someone who’s sibling went to private school while he went to state, and he definitely had a fraught relationship with his family as a consequence. There was resentment and feeling he wasn’t as important as his sibling.

I don’t know what the solution is but I hope you have a happier outcome than the one I saw.

In the nicest possible way, I think you're catastrophising.

It's ridiculous to even consider moving your older children. They are happy and settled, and moving them would only cause resentment and make your youngest child feel guilty. Don't do that. Your dc all had the same opportunities, so you haven't been unfair - things just worked out differently for them.

Your dd didn't pass the test. It isn't the end of the world, nor is it the end of her academic career. Don't let her feel like it is. There are always some kids who do brilliantly, even in the very worst of state schools. Parental support is usually a major factor in this, so your dd may well be one of these.

Bullying can happen in any school. There have been terrible issues with it at our local independent school. If your dc has had issues with specific kids at primary school, talk to the secondary school about how to keep them apart when they move up. Be a pain in the arse if you have to. The school needs to deal with it.

Drugs can be present in any school too. Independent schools are not immune from this - in some cases, the problem is exacerbated by kids having more disposable cash. My 15yo is aware of drug/knife issues in her school, but she isn't friends with that crowd and it doesn't touch her life in any way.

Lots of kids would never even have the option of going private, so this just wouldn't be an issue. You are very fortunate compared to the majority of families at the state school because you have plenty of money to help supplement the school experience with tutoring, extracurricular activities and so on. This will make a huge difference.

Investigate other options, by all means - look at other state/independent options further afield. But if you conclude that the local state is the only viable option, then go in with an open mind and you might be surprised. Your dd hasn't failed, and you haven't let her down. She's just going to take a slightly different path from her older siblings.

Oh and fwiw, one of dd's friends is at a state comprehensive after his two older siblings went to independent schools. He is happy, has a great group of friends, has a hobby that he really enjoys and is on track to outperform both of his siblings academically.

@SeashellShoeshine

Two DD already travel 40 miles.

So why can't you all move over to the girls school and then find a state school there that works? It would mean you travelling to work but how are the girls getting that far every day?

I'm so sorry to hear your situation OP and please don't blame yourself, it's been an awful year.
Here is an example of a state boarding school.
www.dallamschool.co.uk

You have given all three the same opportunity though. Removing two eldest from private school is not a good idea. Ask private school if DD can try again at another entry point and get her a tutor

It looks to me as if you have no choice but to consider either home tuition or weekly boarding if there are absolutely no state or private schools that she can attend on a day basis other than the one the bullies are going to.

You are, understandably in a horrible position, but did you have a back up plan for your daughter not getting into the senior school? If so, what was it?

You cannot send her to the rubbish school if it is as bad as you say, so start seriously considering your options.

1. Contact senior school and actually talk to someone in admissions about waiting lists.

1. Are there any prep schools that take girls up to Y8? In a lot of areas the girls move at end of y6 and the boys at y8 but in a few the girls can stay on.

1. Look at weekly boarding. This could be your best option but you are very late to apply. However, at least it could be a plan to find somewhere she likes and get in a waiting list.

I was also going to suggest weekly boarding somewhere else.

DO NOT remove your older children. Changing their schools doesn't help at all.

There must be a non-selective independent school you could go for?

Definitely don't move your other 2 children if they are happy and thriving in their school (and you can afford it).

You could start a thread asking for school recommendations if you give a general location. Sounds as though you must be very rural if there are so few options across both private and state routes. Are there any prep schools where she could join until 13 and then try for 13+ schools? Which schools are her friends going to? Do you have any relatives she could stay with in the week to attend (presumably private) school near them? Or weekly boarding if she was up for that?

I actually don't think this is as bad or unusual as you are thinking. Siblings often go to different schools. Why would there be bullying and from who? If a school is academically selective, surely the chance of three siblings all getting in is slim. Both because they usually all have different strengths, and because entry standards differ year to year.

Oh sorry I misunderstood, I thought you meant her siblings would be mean about it but I realise you meant some existing bullies.

Worst case scenario if she doesn't cope Home Ed her and use tutors with the private school fees you are saving?

You can't take your 3 eldest out, that would be ridiculous.

She needs to start the state school and you can use private tutoring to help her, she may be able to join her siblings later.

Or, look for a boarding school that would suit her. She just may not as academic as her siblings.

So do your elder dc board if the school is 40 miles away? Are there other independent schools near that one?

Could you send her to boarding school?

Is boarding an option? Perhaps weekly?There's also state boarding - very late for applications but worth investigating in case places become available. There's lots of different kinds of boarding school and some are not selective at all.

Hi OP. Your poor DD, I get that this is a huge shock and upset for her and you. I live in an area with lots of great grammars but the non-grammar schools are awful (which follows obviously), and I remember how stressed I was a few years ago when my son was doing the eleven plus as there’s no way I could have afforded a private school for him. And that was without a pandemic!

Don’t beat yourself up about it, I know it’s really hard but I’d honestly try not to show how upset you are about this to your daughter as it will just make her feel worse about not passing. Reassure her and say that it’s not what you had planned for her but perhaps although it’s hard to see it now, it will ultimately work out to be a good thing. I was an Oxbridge reject and was upset about it for a while but honestly I think I ended up really thriving in a different Russel Group university in a way I would have struggled to do in that environment, I have a friend who went there and attempted suicide under all the academic pressure whereas I had a blast at uni while winning loads of academic prizes etc. Life can work out in unexpected ways.

I just wanted to say that I think you should think of this in terms of making sure each of your children gets the education they need as far as you can help to provide it. I definitely wouldn’t move your older two just to make it “fair” if it’s not a matter of not being able to find the money or having to move away from the area. Your focus should be solely on finding a good solution for your youngest now.

I am one of 4 siblings and I went to the co-ed grammar, my brother (next in age) went to a boys private school, my middle sister went to the same grammar as me and my youngest sister went to a non selective (I think it’s become a grammar since but it was a good comprehensive then) girls state school (which also took boarders).

To be honest although it never crossed my mind as a child, I will admit to having a fleeting thought as an adult in my thirties of feeling annoyed about it because he ended up being super successful in a lucrative career at a time when I was really struggling due to domestic abuse and my bipolar disorder, and also coming to the belated realisation that being female does in fact hold you back in life in contrast to what you are told as a teen and can believe as a young woman in her early career before marriage and children. I know my parents could not have afforded to send us all to private school and I think at that point in my life I did briefly see it as “oh maybe they’d have found the money if I was male”, but actually that was being unfair to them which I realised with further reflection. I was already in a good school that gave me the opportunities and education I needed without them having to pay for it, my brother was not at all academic and flunked his eleven plus completely, and he was very sporty so honestly this school was the best option they could provide for him and I know if he’d have passed his eleven plus they wouldn’t have dreamed of spending money on private school but the alternatives for boys in the area were crap. My youngest sister also failed her eleven plus so they found a good school for her that gave her the opportunities and interests she needed.

I completely understand your concerns about this local state school for your youngest. It’s particularly worrying that current bullies are going there, although sometimes that can drop away as they find new victims at secondary school and your daughter makes new friends but it’s definitely a gamble. If it wasn’t for that, one option would be to send her there for now, hire some decent tutors and try for the 13 plus. However you were prepared to pay for private school for her so surely that means you have options? Are there really no other private schools within a commutable distance that she could attend? That’s what I’d be looking at in your shoes for sure. Good luck OP and I would definitely do something nice with your daughter to try and take everyone’s mind off it this weekend.

I dont wish to sound unkind ,but maybe she isnt quite as academic as her sisters? My 2 girls are completely different academically. Can you have a look around a little further from home maybe .Just because this School suits your older girls doesnt mean the same for younger DD.Maybe consider home schooling/tutor ? I would leave the older two where they are ,but do look for alternatives for the State School .

Why can't you move closer to the older girls' school and then find a school nearby for the younger one?

If that's really not an option, I'd look into weekly boarding if your finances can stretch to it. I'm not a fan of boarding schools but what would worry me as much as the poor academics of the state school is the fact that your DD will be at school with the children currently bullying her for the next 7 years. It sounds like she needs a fresh start.

I would look at options for 13+ for your youngest.
Don't pull the older ones out.
You can get a tutor for youngest DD if needed.
Don't assume that she will have a bad time at the local school. Presumably the intake will be from several local primaries. If she has issues with certain other children make sure that the school know and are proactive about putting them in different forms. In my experience they do ask if there are any particular issues.

With regard to the bullying, it may not continue, even if they do all go to the same school. One of dd's friends at secondary was terribly bullied at a different primary school - really nasty stuff, like picking her up and putting her in the bin. Sadly, those experiences at primary school wrecked her confidence and she is still traumatised by the memories of it, but the bullying totally stopped at secondary school, despite them all moving on to the same school. One of the bullies even apologised to the girl in year 9. Cold comfort, perhaps, but better than an ongoing, sustained campaign.

Of course, there is no guarantee that the bullying would stop in this case, and I totally understand the OP's concern. I just wanted to say that it isn't a given that they will carry on in a different environment. I think it would be worth talking to the school about what they can put in place to pre-empt any issues.