Difficult situation involving siblings.

[SeashellShoeshine]

Hi.

I have 3DD. All state educated in junior school. Oldest two now happy, settled and thriving at private senior school. DD3 still at junior state school in her final year, and has struggled (like many) during lockdown with home schooling. I know she’s fallen behind, but there’s nothing more I can do. I am not an academic or a teacher myself. I know I have let her down. Due to these factors she failed the entrance test for private school. We live in an area where there is very little choice regarding schools both state and private. The only state school is one of the lowest performing schools in the county.

Now I have two dilemmas. Both horrible, and potentially hugely damaging. Do I;

A.) let DDS attend state school on her own and hope that she adapts to the situation and doesn’t feel resentment towards myself and her siblings.

B.) Remove siblings from private school and hope that they will have gained enough experience to be able to get good exam results, if they ever have the chance to sit exams again while they are in education. At the moment DD1 is on course to get As & some Bs in whatever pathetic and unfair alternative of qualifications they are offering this year.

I realise that life really isn’t always fair amongst siblings, and that Covid has ruined many, many lives. But this situation is hugely worrying. Potentially the psychological damage and bullying that this invites could stay with them for life.

I can’t move, I know that could have been an option but I am unable to do so. I sold everything I have to give DD the best chance in life.

What does your eldest DDs school say? Have you spoken to them? This is exactly the sort of situation where I would expect the school to be coming up with suggestions.

How far off a pass was she? Will they consider her at 13? They are educating her two older siblings they should have an interest in the family and be u set standing as to the issues of this year.

Oh I'm sorry, I just re-read and realised I misunderstood. They are both boys only in 7-11.

No waiting list. They just say she’s failed the test, give no feedback and refuse appeals

This would worry me hugely given you already gave girls in the school!

Definitely not B

As you already have two in the school I would contact the school and ask them for advice - eg could she try again for 13+, you could also explain that she is as bright as her sisters but got very little support during the remote learning period.

All 3 of my DDs went to different schools - private, state, Steiner - we sent them to the school that best suited their personalities and strengths. So being at different schools does not matter.

But.......none of your DDs should be sent to a very poor school with a history of bullying.

Firstly you must stop blaming yourself for this situation. You are not a teacher and inevitably a lot of the children caught up in this pandemic will be a bit behind - behind what I ask myself, but that is another matter.

Your DD might not have passed this exam anyway. I would concentrate on moving heaven and earth to get her into a good state school even if it involves a lot of travelling (which is a pain). Or looking at another private school even if it is single-sex.

Your poor DD but I agree with PP that you can't take your older DDs out of a school they're happy in.

I'm an ex teacher and do online tutoring, i think it's definitely a good idea to look for a tutor for her as a starting point. Online 1:1 tutoring can be really successful if there isn't someone in your area.

Does the school do 13+ admissions?

I understand your upset, but surely your youngest would feel far worse in the future if her not passing lead to her sisters having to change schools. Leave them where they are and consider tutoring, extra curricular etc with money saved. You could try again at sixth form. How old are your others? Would moving be an option in a few years if you still aren't happy?

Your poor dd, that’s lot of pressure for an 11 year old. I can’t imagine doing that to my dd. I don’t mean to be horrible but that’s just as damaging as any bullying.

I think you need to rethink your attitude to the exam and to the private school. She might have gone there and been miserable.

Is there genuinely nowhere else she can go? If the local state school is as bad as you say, where are dd’s friends going? Isn’t a single sex school better than the knife crime school?

I totally understand, having had a rubbed secondary school experience with bullying and academic pressure, wanting something different for your dc. And working so hard to fund the best for them is admirable. But think about what they’re missing out on too in terms of family time and the pressure they might be under knowing how you have sacrificed other things to set them on a certain path.

In terms of schools, I wouldn’t move your older dd’s. And I say that as someone whose sibling went to private school and I didn’t. And I did resent it. You can’t move them once they are settled.

Maybe look at moving in a few years when your youngest is in year 9, before her gcse years, use tutors until then and get her involved in other stuff socially. But if there really are no other options locally then it will be quite a mixed school socially and she might well find a nice peer group?

How awful - I am sorry OP.

I totally agree with others about tutoring- and yes online can be amazing. I would also say consciously put all the money that would be her fees into an account for her - for tutoring, extra curricular, or future down payment on flat.... whatever. Make clear to other dds that that they have huge advantage and this is DD3's equivalent.

And anything you can do to undo the situation in the mid-term (can she repeat and try again? Or move etc), the better.

What a sad situation.

Would you be able to home educate for a bit longer - use the money saved on fees to pay for tutors and online schooling (much easier at secondary level than at primary). Then reapply to the good school. Contact them now, make clear that she didn’t meet their standards because you weren’t able to home educate her, remind them her sisters are doing well at the school, say you’re now arranging tutors and would like to reapply as soon as they have a space. Places do come up when people move etc.

A weekly boarding school?

Thank you all for your advice and support. I really do appreciate it.

They don’t let you reapply at any point, but I will look into this.

Both other DDs are also really upset and worried about DD3 and how she will cope.

I’ve had just about as much as I can take with the Covid situation.

I would never ever normally suggest this but could she become a weekly boarder somewhere further afield? If the state school is really that bad?

How about state boarding? If you can afford private school fees you can afford state boarding.

It would be unfair and cruel to remove the older two from their schools. You'll have three big problems then, rather than one.

Seriously consider the 'girls only' school if that is the only viable alternative option. Academically, girls thrive in these schools and often do better than in mixed (the reverse is generally true for boys - go figure!)

Given the only other option is a failing school with a drugs, violence, and bullying problem, I'd have thought it was a bit of a no brainer...

I absolutely can not ever move. As I say it would involve splitting up the family.

Contact the school in writing with your circumstances. Saying you don't want to appeal their decision based on the entrance exam she took but you'd like the opportunity for your DD3 to retake the entrance exam once the negative effects from covid have passed.

Ask for special consideration due to the nature of your situation and spell it out to the school. Even though you most likely will not be removing your other two daughters the school should be aware of all possible consequences.

The might rethink your daughter resitting her entrance exam if they were to lose two full paying fees because you had to move away to accommodate all your children.

Then I'd get maths and English private tutors to get her through the entrance exam.

If all fails and the won't budge then your only option is to send her to the local secondary school and pay for private tutors alongside.

Years ago my sibling was in private school and I went to state school. My mum and dad saved the money I should have had on fees and gave it to me as a house deposit. This helped hugely at the time.

I would leave the 2 eldest where they are and send the youngest to a local school. Pay for tutors in maths, science and english. Ask if she can resit the entrance exam for the following year, if theres space?

Please don't pull your older kids out of the school they are settle in due to a misguided notion of fairness. Then you potentially have three resentful DC to deal with and I can't see how anyone would gain.

Definitely consider the single sex school. Girls statistically do better in single sex provision.
If you have to send her to the state school, make sure you big it up, how great it will be to be in secondary, science labs, specialist teachers etc. Make the admissions staff aware that your child has been bullied by others from her school, in a big school they can easily keep them away from each other. In a smaller school you might have to push more.

Weekly boarding/living with family during to the week to attend a different school.

Where are her friends going?

Sorry if I didn’t make it clear. The only other schools are for boys apart from one who takes in girls for the last two years

Oh sorry I also misunderstood with the single sex schools, they don’t take girls until sixth form.

In this case, it seems as though there is only one option for secondary school in your area for those who can’t pay for private / don’t want private education? So there must be a lot of other bright dc’s going to the terrible school? What are other families doing?

How far would you be willing to travel to another independent school? I know you're remote but could there be ones further afield with a school bus? I travelled an hour each way to school every day and to be honest it was the best part of the day! Sat chatting to friends and having a laugh.

You must live somewhere very remote if there are so few schools to choose from. What about (weekly) boarding?