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Original poster

Difficult situation involving siblings.

104 replies

SeashellShoeshine · 06/03/2021 08:23

Hi.

I have 3DD. All state educated in junior school. Oldest two now happy, settled and thriving at private senior school. DD3 still at junior state school in her final year, and has struggled (like many) during lockdown with home schooling. I know she’s fallen behind, but there’s nothing more I can do. I am not an academic or a teacher myself. I know I have let her down. Due to these factors she failed the entrance test for private school. We live in an area where there is very little choice regarding schools both state and private. The only state school is one of the lowest performing schools in the county.

Now I have two dilemmas. Both horrible, and potentially hugely damaging. Do I;

A.) let DDS attend state school on her own and hope that she adapts to the situation and doesn’t feel resentment towards myself and her siblings.

B.) Remove siblings from private school and hope that they will have gained enough experience to be able to get good exam results, if they ever have the chance to sit exams again while they are in education. At the moment DD1 is on course to get As & some Bs in whatever pathetic and unfair alternative of qualifications they are offering this year.

I realise that life really isn’t always fair amongst siblings, and that Covid has ruined many, many lives. But this situation is hugely worrying. Potentially the psychological damage and bullying that this invites could stay with them for life.

I can’t move, I know that could have been an option but I am unable to do so. I sold everything I have to give DD the best chance in life.

OP posts:
UpDownQuark · 06/03/2021 08:28

Hmm, can you either: use some of the money saved by not having a third set of school fees to help your third dd with tutoring and extracurricular activities; or save yourself three sets of school fees (which must surely be tens of k) and use that money to move?

UpDownQuark · 06/03/2021 08:28

Not immediately, that’s clear from your post, but maybe in a year’s time?

rookiemere · 06/03/2021 08:28

Don't move your eldest DDs that would be massively unfair on them - presumably you're not paying for their fees as they passed the exam, is that right ?

Could you pay for extra tuition for your youngest DD? Are there any other options to get her into the private school that you could explore at a later point ? Do you think she's not as academic as her siblings or the issue has purely been caused by lockdown?

flyingant · 06/03/2021 08:37

I would not remove the eldest 2 from private school - that could surely cause lots of resentment from them towards their sibling as well as you.

Not sure what to suggest for your youngest though, apart from extra tutoring and extracurricular activities, as has already been suggested.

Soontobe60 · 06/03/2021 08:38

If your DD ends up at the state school, use the money you will save from school fees to pay for a tutor a couple of times a week to help her build confidence.

ShrewYou · 06/03/2021 08:40

I think it would be hugely unreasonable to send your other two dds to a school which you yourself say is one of the lowest performing in the country because their sister failed the entrance exam. This will cause far more resentment than anything else.

You need to look at the state options. Is there a school further away she could get a place at and you could pay for transportation using the money you are saving on fees?

Otherwise you need to make the best of the school she is going to be going to. My dd went to an academy that had been closed down it was so bad and then it went into special measures a few years after it was reopened. It's a great school and she got one seven and two eights and the rest nines and nine starts at GCSE and is now doing history, English lit and geography at A level.

ShrewYou · 06/03/2021 08:42

presumably you're not paying for their fees as they passed the exam, is that right ?
You still pay. You have to pass an academic exam to go to nearly all private schools at secondary level.

Frankie4me · 06/03/2021 08:43

Moving your older DDS would be very unfair to them and damage their relationship with you and their sister. It could also damage their confidence and future. Send the youngest DD to the state school and support with tutoring using the fees saved.

MrPickles73 · 06/03/2021 08:44

Yes I agree. Leave the older two where they are. Dd3 to stay at state school with tutoring or fund an alternative private school. Could she be tutored for the 13+ and then move to the same school as her sisters?

LIZS · 06/03/2021 08:47

Some schools offer 12/13+ entry , maybe see if she feels up for that. Are her friends going to the state school? Are there any less academically selective independents? What extra curricular activities could you fund instead. I would not withdraw the others for the sake of "fairness" presumably they earned their places.

lobsteroll · 06/03/2021 08:48

I definitely wouldn't move your two eldest. It isn't just the academic side of things. Their friends are there, they are part of the school community. It would be horrible for them to move, especially after this year and missing so much already.

It is such a shame for your youngest though and I do understand why you're exploring all options. Is there any room for appeal? Or like others have suggested, get a tutor and then maybe you could reapply for year 8?

Begonias · 06/03/2021 08:49

My eldest DD passed her entrance exam and went to a selective grammar school, DD2 failed and ended up going to the local comprehensive. Eldest is doing GCSE's and is predicted all 8s and 9s. DD2 is in year 8 and is thriving with remote learning. DD2s school has a lot of pastoral help for students and is focused on students well-being as well as academic progress.
DD 1s school is about grades. She told her teacher's she's struggling with switching off and stressed about this year and she got an email with one sentence back telling her everyone is struggling. DD2 in the first lockdown said she was struggling her teacher's would ring her once a week to check up on her and message her regularly to make sure she could chat to them.
My point is at the moment you may be thinking it's a bad thing her not making the entrance exam, believe me I thought that too not to mention the guilt that one child is in a better school. However when I look at both my kids I think the youngest really wasn't suited to the grammar school. You do what is best for the child. My youngest decided that she was too good for the grammar school and took it as a challenge to do better at her current school. She's had 6 postcards and a box of chocolates from school telling her well done. Eldest has had nothing, it's expected that they work their arse off with no praise. The pastoral care at DD1s school is pitiful.
Whatever you do don't pull the eldest kids out of the private school, let them carry on otherwise they will resent their younger sibling. I know my youngest hated it when eldest would bang on about how fantastic her school is, how it's in the the top3 in the county for exam results. These days it's you're so lucky you're teachers care bout you, it's not fair you keep getting postcards I don't even get a well done. Covid has shown where I want dd3 to go and it won't be the grammar school.

Original poster
SeashellShoeshine · 06/03/2021 08:49

Only other school in the area isn’t taking children in from out with catchment because it’s full.

The bullying concerns me. I know how damaging it is from personal perspective and it was another huge factor for me choosing private state education,

I really can’t move unless I split the family up.

We pay ourselves for fees. I work 36 hours a week & DH works 7 days to make sure DDs are supplied for.

Tutoring is an option that I had looked into. There aren’t many in our remote area but I now know one positive to Covid is that you can have tutors from anywhere. It may be a way forward.

I feel so terrible that I have failed her in the last year with her home schooling. It’s entirely my fault she hasn’t got in, but I’d rather she held resentment for me than for her siblings.

Thanks.

OP posts:
justanotherneighinparadise · 06/03/2021 08:50

Oh god that is genuinely a nightmare. I can feel how difficult this is but you cannot punish the older two by removing them from private school, that’s just not right.

I assume there is no way you can try and get your daughter into the private school again next year? I don’t know much about these things aside from entrance exams at 7, 11 etc. I assume if you fail you can’t retake at 12 for example?

Second thought is a school outside the area? Any chance you can commute further with her?

Lastly how is she feeling? I’ve read stories on here of some children being in a Grammar school whilst others in the family are in state age everyone is happy. If she’s not bothered then I agree about her going to state and then using tutors to make sure she’s excelling. Then she could apply to a 6th form elsewhere and if she gets into uni then everyone is back on the same footing again.

SweepTheHalls · 06/03/2021 08:53

There's more than 1 independent school in an area, have you looked at less selective schools?

Original poster
SeashellShoeshine · 06/03/2021 08:54

Local school is so bad that there’s a huge shortage of teachers and subjects are limited, with stand in teachers from other subjects to supervise classes. There is constant staff changing. Head teachers stay a couple of years. Massive knife/drug problem. Family members and friends who have attended have all dropped out with nothing before A-levels.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeashellShoeshine · 06/03/2021 08:56

Only other independent schools are boys only or girls only in last 2 years.

OP posts:
parietal · 06/03/2021 08:57

Lots of tutors now do remote teaching (because covid) so you would have plenty of choice.

Is dd3 on the waitlist for the private school? Then she could get a place later.

Original poster
SeashellShoeshine · 06/03/2021 08:58

DD is devastated. She’s hardly eaten or slept since finding out. She tells me that she’s sorry she let us down. I am doing everything I can to reassure her that absolutely none of this is her fault what so ever. Children have missed out on so much this last year.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeashellShoeshine · 06/03/2021 08:58

No waiting list. They just say she’s failed the test, give no feedback and refuse appeals.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeashellShoeshine · 06/03/2021 09:00

Current bullies will be going to the state school. She’s terrified. At least she’s had the break from them during lockdown.

OP posts:
cookiedoughsweetiepie · 06/03/2021 09:00

My husband was state educated and his two younger sisters private.

Whilst i find it unusual it has not caused any resentment in their family.

dancemom · 06/03/2021 09:00

Can she resit the entrance exam next year?

1stMrsF · 06/03/2021 09:01

@SeashellShoeshine

Only other independent schools are boys only or girls only in last 2 years.
Is a girls school a complete no no? Even if you'd prefer co-ed, I've worked in girls schools and people often choose them not because they are girls only but just because they are the right school.

That is a horrible situation OP and I'm so sorry for you and DD. Thiis year has been particularly difficult for this year group.

mangothoughts · 06/03/2021 09:02

Can she not try again for 13+?
Or is there any other private school a bit further away? I know parents that drive an hour or even more to get their kids to a good school. Or would she be interested in a weekly boarding school? (Some do drop off Monday morning pick up Friday afternoon)
I think it is very unfair to think about taking your elder two out of their school.