DS1 having hard time at new school...I really don't know what to do for the best

[katierocket]

We've just moved. DS2 is now in year 1. He was very happy at old school, really good friends etc. He's only been at new school a week but it's not going well.

We don't expect miracles but the first day was truly awful. He was pretty much left to get on with it (they didn't pair him up with another child or anything)and consequently spent most of day on his own.

Anyway, after speaking to school the teacher gave a talk about importance of being nice to new people blah blah and things have been a bit better.

But he says that when he trys to play with other children at playtime they just run away. That's what breaks my heart the most - that he is making the effort but not getting anything back.
Is this normal a week in? I don't expect him to have good friends this early on but it would be nice if someone would at least play with him.

Is it worth speakign to the teacher again do you think? I'm not really sure what she can do.

I should add that it's a small village school and, I think, very cliquey

I think you need to start arranging play dates etc.

I'd speak to teacher/school, definitely. They need to watch this carefully at playtime, to find out if it's really going on -- and if it is they need to stamp it out ASAP and work out some other positive strategies (I'd ask for him to be paired up with a buddy).

No expertise in this area here (DS is only 3.6) but just wanted to say how sorry I am. Would you be able to arrange some play dates with classmates?

what just pick any child?

KR, are you referring to my buddy suggestion? In which case, no, not any child... teacher needs to fix it up, pick a kind, socialised boy in Y1 who will get a kick out of the responsibility.
It's all very well arranging playdates but KR's poor DS has to go to school tomorrow. I think the school has a responsibility to knock this on the head right away. I'm pretty sure DD's Y1 teacher would want to know about this if it was happening.

no I meant pick any child for playdate?

have just rung school ansd spoken to his teacher - she does seem fairly flakey and I'm sure she mustthink I'm neurotic. She said she'd keep close eye on it, that she thought buddy would be counterproductive as it was forcing children togethetr. Got to say that she doesn't fill me with confidence but not much more I can do.

thing is she said well he seems fine and I said well he would he's that sort of child (he's very stoic and stiff upper lip) but doesn't mean he's not unhappy

Village schools can be cliquey--I love ours but I have noticed it can be hard to break in. My son started after the bulk of his reception year because he was younger and found it hard to get in with the older group as he was quite quiet and sensitive (this, actually, has proved to be a GOOD thing as a lot of these boys have been disruptive throughout the school, reducing teachers and TAs to tears, so I'm GLAD he's not like them.)

Keep an eye on your situation and keep pressing the teacher and see if you can set up any play dates. Another idea might to be to find out when some of these children have swimming lessons (to give an example) and see if your son can join the same group.

Eventually we decided to move our son. Typically, as soon as the decision was made nicer boys arrived and he had a good time for his last few terms.

My daughter is still at the same small village school and has had a ball since day one. I wouldn't have the heart to move her! Just shows what a difference there can be between one year cohort and another, particularly in a small school where one or two children can really set the tone (for better or worse) in a class.

Eliza that's interesting. There seems to be a perception that smaller class sizes are automatically better (there are 17 in DS1's class and that is year 1 and 2) but I guess it's only good if you get on with the children in teh class. There is less to choose frmo and therefore less chance (potentially) that you'll find a like minded friend. I just feel like the school have handled the whole thing really badly, just kind of expecting him to fit in and assuming that it'll "just take time", which obviously it will be there have got to be things they can do to help it along.

It worries me so much because he really was so happy and outgoing at old school and I would hate to have put him somewhere where he's isolated.

Re: play dates. I have two worries, firstly not sure who to invite as he really hasn't bonded with anyone, secondly what if they say no (because they're not really his friend), then I'll feel mortified for him.

katierocket - sorry that you and your ds are going through this. It's very hard.

DD is a year older, and has just changed schools as we have moved to a new city/new country. The first few weeks at school were very rocky, and like your ds, she seemed to go from a happy, popular child to a quiet/sad loner.

To help dd settle, I have just started working my way down the class list of girls. I invite the child and the mum over to ours saying that the kids can play while the Mum and I get acquainted. It has worked very well, and dd has the beginnings of some very nice friendships. Could you do the same? If you don't feel like inviting people over to yours (or there are other children in the family to consider), we have simply met at a playground/park.

Are there any other children that are new to the class? If so, I'd start there. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

I agree with Earlybird. There must be a friendly-looking mum or two in the class; ask them (one at a time!) if they and their DCs would like to meet up with you and your DS.

Yes--small classes work both ways. Great, in the case of my daughter. Not so good from the point of view of my son, who could have done with more quieter boys to befriend. Sometimes it's easier to find a like mind in a bigger class. One of my friends moved her son from a village school to a big town primary for this reason.

On the other hand, there are pluses. Most of the TAs in the school are parents or former parents. I genuinely think there's a family feel to the school. THe community has a real stake in the children doing well and people are very generous with their time and help. My son has (eventually) made local friends who'll be around in the holidays.

The teacher sounds hopeless, I'd go to the head or maybe the TA might have a bit more time.

Dd1's school has a buddy bench for children who are feeling left out to sit on, and someone (usually one of the older ones) will go and get them to join in their game. This is a small village school as well.

What about after school activities? Is there a Beaver group/football club he could join where some of his classmates are likely to be?

Otherwise I agree with arranging playdates.

How about you, are you getting on with the mums?

Thanks everyone. DP does want to go to the head as I do think teacher (although probably perfectly fine actual teacher) is useless at dealing with this type of situation. I'm worried that if we go to head it will put her back up - she's defensive enough as it is (and I really have gone out of my way to not be agressive, say that I know how much she's doing blah blah - even though she isn't!)To be fair he's only been there one week but I really think they could've handled it better.

As for friendly looking mums....er no not yet, it is a very cliquey school but I can handle that, I just want DS to be OK.

You see the buddybench idea sounds exactly like the kind of thing I'd expect but they don't seem to have anything like that.

He told me tonight that he sat on his own at lunch - he sat on end of table then there were 2 chairs next to him, then the other children - I mean that's just shite isn't it. It makes me bloody angry actually.

Crikey, no friendly-looking mums? Sounds hellish. I hope this village has something going for it!

Well I have only been there one week (5 days) but yes they are very cliquey I think.
To be fair I'm not sure I'd know which mum had child in DS1's class and which had child in nursery/reception (as everyone waits at same door). Having said that, they're not exactly welcoming..........

sorry I meant which "has" child in DS1's class not "had"

I remember some friends of my parents moving to a village and the woman complaining that she was ostracised by the other mothers at the village school. It turned out that these other mothers thought she was letting the side down by rocking up to the school gates in her leggings (this being the 1980s) rather than changing into her Windsmoor tweeds, or if in more casual mode, a sweater with an appliqueed West Highland terrier. Are you making some similar hideous sartorial error?

Oh god, this happened to dd when I started her at the village pre-school half way through the year (she was already at a private day nursery but I thought it would be good for her to mix with children she would be starting school with)

Sorry it was heart breaking.. my dd is nto the crying type she's very much a 'get on with it' kind of girl. One day she just sat in the car and said "mummy please don't make me go. nobody will play with me"

Eventually one mum took pity on me and introduced her dd.. it made my dd's life a bit easier.

She went through Reception last year and I was worried but she settled in. They do have a buddy bench which she told me she sat on a few times.. so IMVHO these things are fabulous. Also dd has said to me x was sat on the buddy bench so I played with her. Which makes me well up, I think it's nice for children to learn compassion.

I would really suggest to the teacher and head that they need to make sure that your son is involved. Especially as you are new to the area. I spoke to dd's teacher once and literally the next day my dd came home very happy that she'd sat next to x and done y.

Keep pushing the school they need to rectify the situation, it's their responsibility during school hours as you can not be there.

bluestocking - do you think a sequined bikini top and mini skirt is too much then?

mascara - that's partly what breaks my heart. DS1 isn't the collapse into tears type hence why they think he's "doing fine". And I'm genuiely not a neurotic overprotective psycho but I know he's not happy and I know he's on his own and i also think there is so much more they could be doing but they just don't seem to get it.

I'm going to mention the lunchtime thing in the morning, I mean jesus making sure someone is sitting next to him is the least they can do FFS.

Although the school might not regard this as bullying it is, unconsiously or otherwise. If you get no joy re the head then look at Kidscape's website for advice on getting schools to be more proactive. here

The only other thing I can suggest is that dd1's school is fairly cliquey and one sure fire way in for parents is to join the PTA (which I haven't).

Yes I was considering the PTA for a more long term strategy. That's the thing, fundementally it's just not right. I mean he's new so OK he's not going to be best buddies with anyone right away, probably not even for a while but when he tries to play with children and they run off, well that's just wrong.

They sound similar. and are they same age as dd has just started year 1. I think teachers generally assume that if there isn't a mass of tears everything is fine.

Talk to the teachers, children this young need help and encouragement to build their social skills.

FWIW, the mums at dd's school are also cliquey.. luckily I work FT so only do school run 1 day per week.

I think realisically it could take a good few weeks for him to settle in but when he does it'll all be forgotten about. Are they doing PE yet? working where they have to work in pairs?

Also are they allowed to take toys in? could you let him take in a 'really cool' toy?? I now that's underhand but it might get the other boys attention

Thanks Mascara, no, they're not allowed toys. He has done PE and funnily enough he did say that he 'played' with somone during PE. I just sense that the school don't generally emphasise the importance of being kind and making new children feel welcome.

So I will say something again tomorrow. It does feel a bit as though I go in and say "black" to the teacher and come away with her thinking I've said "white" - if that makes any sense at all!

I just keep thinking - it's such early days - but then I think - yes but they're just not doing enough to make sure he's involved.