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Original poster

DS1 having hard time at new school...I really don't know what to do for the best

58 replies

katierocket · 12/09/2007 16:26

We've just moved. DS2 is now in year 1. He was very happy at old school, really good friends etc. He's only been at new school a week but it's not going well.

We don't expect miracles but the first day was truly awful. He was pretty much left to get on with it (they didn't pair him up with another child or anything)and consequently spent most of day on his own.

Anyway, after speaking to school the teacher gave a talk about importance of being nice to new people blah blah and things have been a bit better.

But he says that when he trys to play with other children at playtime they just run away. That's what breaks my heart the most - that he is making the effort but not getting anything back.
Is this normal a week in? I don't expect him to have good friends this early on but it would be nice if someone would at least play with him.

Is it worth speakign to the teacher again do you think? I'm not really sure what she can do.

OP posts:
dinny · 12/09/2007 21:24

Katierocket, can you enlist a couple of friendly-looking parents and just arrange a playdate for him?

my dd is still finding school hard (she is year one) and I think her school are not v good at making sure everyone plays with everyone else - plus there are two bossy girls who set the tone of "you can't play with us".

I do think it's mainly lunchtimes that she still finds hard - are there any clubs at lunchtime he can do?

Earlybird · 13/09/2007 03:07

katie - It is hard when you arrive in an established community - both as an adult and a child. But, I think you are going to have to just dive in.

Will the school give you a list of names/numbers of children in your ds's class? I called Mums and introduced us as the new family in the class, and said we wanted to get to know people, and then suggested a date/time for meeting up. Without question, some people have been very receptive/welcoming and others have not. It's easy to take it personally when people don't respond, but I accept that people are busy and/or not interested and so I move on.

Why not give it a try? If you can help your son connect with a few children individually outside school, it's bound to help him when he's at school.

bozza · 13/09/2007 08:36

I think earlybird is right. But I also think you are right to keep on at the teacher, although the teacher probably doesn't have responsibility at lunchtime, so this might be a reason for contacting the head - so she can pass on your concerns to the lunchtime supervisor (I really want to say dinner lady ). Somebody further down suggested mentioning it to the classroom assistant. Would that be possible?

Anyway good luck with today for you and DS.

Eliza2 · 13/09/2007 18:47

Classroom assistants are very useful people to get to know and are often better suited to sort out things like this. Good plan!

The school needs to sort this out. It's just not on.

FluffyMummy123 · 13/09/2007 18:48

Message withdrawn

Original poster
katierocket · 13/09/2007 19:24

They don't have a classroom assitant, I think because the class is so small.

Latest is...that it just gets weirder. DS1 seemed OKish after school but said he'd been to see the headteacher who talked to him about making friends. On the one hand I think it's a positive thing but only if they are also doing something to address the other children not playing with him. I mean no point in him trying when they are being receptive. But even stranger, you would have thought that given I spoke to his teacher again last night on the phone and given that he spoke to the headteacher today, she would have wanted to have a chat with me about it, provide reassurance, let me know what they are doing etc. but nothing.
Obviously I could have waited to speak to her but you ahve to wait until all the children have been picked up and I had DS1 with me so would ahve been difficult to chat anyway. It's just so completely odd. It's asthough they think he has to fit in with school (which obviously he does to a degree) but they're not actualyl making any effort to get other children to help him integrate.

DP is going to speak to head tomorrow - now that he has spoken to DS1 it gives us a way in to speaking to head about it without it looking asthough we're going over flaky bake teachers head.

OP posts:
Original poster
katierocket · 13/09/2007 19:24

I meant:
"..no point in him trying when they aren't being receptive."

OP posts:
startouchedtrinity · 13/09/2007 21:18

Hmm. This sounds very like the bad old days when bullying was the fault of the victim and the bullies got off scot free. I know your ds hasn't been picked on as such, just excluded, but it sounds like your ds is being blamed for not making friends rather than his horrible classmates are being told off for excluding him.

Hope dp gets somewhere tomorrow - did you have a look at teh Kidscape site as it might give him some ammo. And ask why there is no buddy bench!

MascaraOHara · 13/09/2007 21:20

why couldn't they give a talk to the class or in assembly about making friends and been nice to others? doesn't have to be specific to new children 0 just general.

Earlybird · 13/09/2007 21:24

Can someone please explain the 'buddy bench' concept?

MascaraOHara · 13/09/2007 21:28

they have a bench in the playground wher eyou can sit if you don't have anybody to play with and somebody will come and play with you..

j20baby · 13/09/2007 21:36

katierocket-i'm having a similar problem atm with 7 yo dd, not so much at the new school(that i know of) but the neighbourhood kids, they come and ask her to play, and she gets really excited, so i let her go out, and then i see them being nasty to her, or hiding from her, it broke my heart to see that wanted to chase after them and give them a good talking to! no advice, just sympathy.

startouchedtrinity · 13/09/2007 21:41

Oh J20, how awful.

j20baby · 13/09/2007 21:46

oh don't trinity-i'll cry

i've never felt so sorry for her before, nasty little girls, i just wanted to wrap her up!

NKF · 13/09/2007 21:53

It sounds awful but it's only five days you said. And in year 1, friendships aren't set in stone. That said, I think teachers can do a lot to make things easier for new children. How they pair children for work for example. Some schools even organise games in the playground. And playdates do work. It's just probably a bit early for them. Everyone is getting their breath back after the start of term. I hope it gets better.

startouchedtrinity · 13/09/2007 22:12

j20, does dd2 go to school with these girls? I know it is hard but maybe getting one or two round for tea or a play might be the way to go? Do you know any of the mums?

j20baby · 14/09/2007 04:35

startouched-they do go to the same school and although dd weems desperate to be friends with them, i don't think they all play at school. there's a few girls her age and they all live very close, one of the mum's seem ok, the others totally blank me or give me mucky looks, which i'm not too bothered about tbh, but it makes it arkward where the dc's are concerned.

when the girls are on their own, they will play with dd but when they are together, they gang up on her, she is not a meek child and so won't take no cr*p off them, and she is very vocal when they upset her, but doesn't let them see they have upset her iyswim, i think i just have to let her find her own way with them.

the other problem is, i wont let her play out after tea, as it is bath and bedtime, but the others play out till it is dark, so she isn't out for long, but i'm not willing to unsettle her routine.

sorry for the randomness of this post, can't sleep and may not be making sense properly

Eliza2 · 14/09/2007 09:31

"she is very vocal when they upset her, but doesn't let them see they have upset her iyswim, "

It's very good she doesn't let them see she's upset, iyswim. One of the big problems my son had was that he would get very obviously upset and cry out of complete frustration and that made the children who were picking on him realise that they had some really good fun here. We had to teach him to bite his lip and come home (if he was playing out in the little park across the lane from us) and be upset there. Or go and find a teacher and get them to sort it if it was happening at school.

Little by little he has learned this lesson. We also befriended a very nice mother with a son in his class. She and her sona very popular little boyreally like my boy and if they noticed people picking on him, my friend (who's quite a force) would make her feelings known.

The other thing we did with our son, as he got older, was to find something he really enjoyed out of school. In his case it was football. It built up his confidence and helped him make out-of-school friends. Then he got onto the school football team, which made him more confident there, too. Obviously your son is a bit young for this at the moment, katierocket. You are right to keep up that pressure on the school. I'm shocked that they seem so complacent. Our head was super when we had problems. She spoke to the children in my son's class. They have lots of assemblies about friends and the importance of being kind and their zero tolerance of bulling.

FluffyMummy123 · 14/09/2007 09:32

Message withdrawn

j20baby · 14/09/2007 09:37

just read my post, hmm, can tell i was sleep deprived me thinks! the thing with dd is if they give her abuse then she will give it back, but i know thats she's desperate to be accepted by these kids, feel so sad for her.

katierocket-the buddying system sounds good, i hope you get sorted with ds

Bluestocking · 14/09/2007 20:18

And I bet all the staff and parents smugly think "oh what a naice school we have here, such genteel families who have all lived in the village all their lives" and never give a second thought to how foul they actually are.

Original poster
katierocket · 08/10/2007 20:37

Well 4 weeks on and we're not a whole lot further on TBH. I thikn playtime is a bit better, hr doesn't say that children aren't playing with him but he hasn't really bonded with any one child yet. Main problem is that he just says he hates it. Genuinely upset, tears, says he wants to go back to his old school etc. I'm really at a loss as to what to do. We've spoken to teacher and head (this was earlier when we were having the original problems) but we do have parents evening on wed so will be able to raise it all then. I'm sure his teacher will say "oh but he seems fine" etc because that is the way DS1 is - very stiff upper lip but when he comes home he sort of collapses.
I'm just really scared we've done the wrong thing and he's going to end up hating school (when he used to love it).

If you've moved your DC to a new school how long did it take them to really settle?
And also, totally separate matter, is it normal to read to teacher (or helper) every day in Yr1?

OP posts:
dinny · 08/10/2007 20:40

oh, KatieRocket, it's so awful when they're not happy at school - no constructive advice (sorry!) but if you are happy the school is nice I'm sure he will settle soon - it isn't even half-term yet, I'd allow a year probably (unless dd was distraught, I suppose)

with regard to reading - dd is y1 and they read every day to teacher/assistant

Original poster
katierocket · 08/10/2007 20:43

Yes I can't wait until half term, I think he needs a break from being new IFYKWIM. I did expect it to take longer than 5 weeks (for him to settle) but I didn't really expect him to hate it and that worries me.

OP posts:
dinny · 08/10/2007 20:49

has he made any friends/acquaintances?

dd has had a hard time in reception and at start of this year (due to her two bf leaving the school) but she seems to have become much happier since I (and I am sure you have) have made a real effort with playdates for her. also, she's having a Hallowe'en tea party for 8 friends and she/they are so exciting. worth trying maybe? sounds like the ice needs to be broken.....