Nasty bully with stupid mother

[kimi]

I am so mad i could scream!!!!!!
There is a god alfew child in my DS1 class who takes great delight in being a bully.
He picks on everyone boys girls older and younger.
He plays rugby and think that makes him tough, he has to be (not just in my view but in the view of most of the playground mothers ) the worst kind of child.

I have lost count of the times he has had a dig a ds1 (who is a very bright boy and thinks that only thick people hit out as they are too stupid to roselve anything any other way) and this week he gave my ds2 (who is 4) a punch on the head as he went in to reception class.
The teachers, the head the deputy head the kids and all the other mothers know this child is an evil little toerag BUT to his mother he is a saint and she wont have it that her pride and joy is a little s*.
Just before the holidays her son came running out of school and (in front of my dh) kicked 9 bells out of my son before hubby pulled them apart, so i rang her as she is supposed to be a friend of mine and said what had gone on and ask her if we could sort out something to stop it happening again, her take on it was it never happened, so my dh is mad?blind?lying? Her take on it was such bull that i was speachless.
I spoke to two other children and the teacher, the head and my son all of whom gave my the same virsion of events that lead to the kicking, but she still would not have a bar of it.
I have to say that i am so cross as every day since school has gone back her little thug has had ago at ds1 (and everyone else) today i went to speak to the teacher again as my child spoke to her and ask her to stop xxx being so horrible and all he got was no no no i dont want to here it, xxx got 7 smily faces today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STUPID BLOODY WOMAN
As a parent i do my best to teach my children what is and is not accecptible and if another parent comes to me to say ds1 did something i will sort it out, if a teacher comes to me and says ds1 has done something i will sort it out, so am i the only one out there! Anytime there has been reason to speak to or be spoken to by anouthe parent it has always been something that could be sorted out, so how do i go about this with my (now ex-friend) as i dont want to carry on a friendship with someone who thinks so little of what my child or any other has to say when there is a problem, she is not doing herself any favours as i was one of only a few mums who spoke to her.
We kind of struck up a friendship when our sons started, but i am so fed up with it now i am sick of her blaming the school, the head the senco thekids and evertone and everything but her own child.
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

Perhaps he is having problems which cause him to act in this manner and his parents dont want to react in the way you want them to. There are lots of kids in my school who dont know how to act socially through no fault of there own and it's not productive just to punish as they actually need help.
Sorry but I would be spitting mad if it was my child you were talking about in such a derogatory manner.
If the senco is involved there may be all sorts going on that is none of your business and that the parents dont wish to share with you.

i am sorry you find my tone DEROGATORY and i hope you never have to deal with this kind of behaviour against your child, then you might well be DEROGATORY too.

Oh and senco are not involved (but should be) and just because his family set a bad example that Dose NOT make it ok for him to be a s*.
And i know far more about the familys bussiness then i want to.

Kimi. It's really difficult isn't it. My DS1 had a despicable little creature in his class for 2 years. He was so vile the teacher actually couldn't get scissors out for art-this was Kindergarten and Year 1. Anyway-eventually he was expelled. It takes alot to be expelled from a tiny private school-so we were lucky. But he seriously disrupted the class and the well-being and atmosphere in that classroom for 2 years.
I know how frustrating and unfair it feels-especially if your child is being physically abused/bullied. I would steer clear of his mother and go direct through school. If the teacher won't lasten, go to the head.You're obviously not the only one who is concerned. I'm not condoning expulsion or trying to ruin this boys schooling but his problems obviously need addressing and his dim mother isn't prepared to do that.

I'm a bit scared to post on this! But my instant reaction is that physical violence is completely unacceptable. And I do think (I've seen it plenty of times) that some parents prefer to pretend there isn't an issue rather than to deal with it. A friend of mine had a similar problem with a toddler biting her DS. The mum just looked blank and changed the subject whenever my friend raised the issue which was clearly a concern. It doesn't do the children any good to think this is acceptable.

I just find it upsetting when any child is talked about in this way.

What is senco??

special needs co-ordinator

I agree that there may be underlying issues that are not known gerneally, but it still doesn't give the boy license to behanve as he wanst to durely? We have been through similar in the past, though not as aggressive as you have described, and we were told it was because of personal circumatsances at home. And my reply was, that I was v sorry if there were problems at home, but my child is not going to be used as the fall guy for anyone, and could this issue please be resolved.

No practical help, but I understand what you are both saying. I think Kimi is posting out of frustration ,and hercs is posting with reason, both sides are right, but a v hard place to be in.

Yes but Hercules. You have to accept some children are just NOT VERY NICE. But the parents need to take their rose coloured spectacles off. My 4 year old is a big strong boy and if I see him throwing his weight around (ussually with his dainty brother) I am down on him like a tonne of bricks. Only with the right care and discipline and love and attitude at home to children learn the basics of respecting others and not kicking the shit out of them.

omg sorry about the terrible typos!

Poor you kimi you sound like you're at the end of your tether. I remember when I was at primary school there was a boy just like you describe, in the end the head took him out of class and personally tutored him, I think expulsions are really difficult to reinforce and teachers can't really do much except exclude and tell off the prepetrator. Feel for your little boy though I remember how the rest of us hated it when the boy in question was in class, he even hit me once and I was (still am) tiny!!!

So because he doesnt have the best parenting in the world that makes him a shit does it?

Maybe she doesnt know how to cope and doesnt know what to do.

Yes, my child has been picked on but I never thought of the child in those terms.

How old is he?

I have some sympathy with what hercules is saying. If this boy is attacking children older than him (and bigger?) then that clearly is not normal behaviour. Also why is the mother complaining about the senco not being involved?

Anyway the best way to deal with this sort of situation is insist that the school sort it out. If it's taking place on school grounds then it is their responsibility. If physical violence is involved its quite appropriate to get stroppy with the school.

I certainly don't think I would go so far. I think what I am saying is that these issues need to be addressed rather than hoping they will go away and Kimi is not prepared to put up with it any longer. I completely understood the tone of Kimis post. Upset,infuriated and angry at this childs dimwit mother. This child needs help and shouldn't be allowed to use these bully boy rough tactics.

Of course no one should be bullied. I'm not saying that is acceptable at all. I would expect to be able to send my child to school without him being in any fear.
That is a separate issue imo to slagging off a child who clearly has some sort of a problem. This child is not displaying normal behaviour and sounds very mixed up.

depends what the problem is though angeliz. Luckily ds1 has only attacked adults at school, and only had a brief (2 week) period at nursery of attacking other children. I was terrified about getting into some sort of discussion with another mother about it- and asked the nursery what I should do if asked. The nursery said send the parents to them and they would put them right. TBH the last thing I would do is discuss the ins and outs of his problems with another mother. In fact I would pretty much refuse to do so. I would expect the school to sort it out. I certainly don't think that my child is a little shit though. He's one of the gentlest boys I know- and that's not rose coloured spectacles- he'\s also coping with 100x more than other child in the school- and sometimes it gets too much for him. Not saying that this child is the same- but hitting out doesn't always equal little shit.

I dont remember saying this child had a "right" to bully! My point is that he clearly does have problems which happen to be antisocial and should not be called a shit just because of his parents!

A child who does that Angeliz clearly has problems! If it were my child I would be mad if another mum said he was a little shit.

Is it okay to be sympathetic and understanding to a child who has certain problems but not okay to be the same with a child whose problems are antisocial?

O.K Maybe i jumped the gun a little but it upsets me ESPECIALLY where little ones are concerned.
I've sent dd off 3 times in tears this week to nursery and the idea that someone could punch her in the head fills me with absolute dread! I can picture her little face all hurt and bemused!
You're right though it DOES depend on what the problem is, i was taking it simply that he had problems at home.
As i said though, any kind of explanation would have calmed me down.

Hope i haven't offended.
(I'm a bit raw from all dd's tears lately)

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
I am sorry if some of you think i am being unfair or hard on this boy but this has been going on for 4 years, (both boys are 8)
I have had him to play and tryed really hard to sort out without running to the school, but when you get no support from the mother it is hard.
I know no child is perfect i know mine have their moments BUT they get punished,
if any mother comes to me and says ds1 or ds2 has done something i sort it out.
We have time outs, no play station, no youth club, no cubs, or whatever. i also talk through what has been done and why it is not to happen again. I am trying to do my upmost to be a "good" parent.
My dh and i are just at the end of the line over this, the school are being helpfull but even they admit the mother is not helpful.
I am sick of seeing my child (who has lots of friends and is much liked by class mates and teachers and in advanced reading and math) not want to go to school to be picked on by this nasty boy. Any mother who loved her child would feel the same after so long.
Its like hitting you head off a brick wall.

I remember you telling me about this boy quite a while ago, kimi.

Can I just say, hercules, in defence of kimi, that I am sure that it is the mother that kimi is frustrated with and I doubt she really blames the child, but said what she said in anger and frustration. I guess all our kids would be little s**ts if we didn't care to guide and discipline them in any way.

Punching another child in the head is just not on, I don't understand why the school isn't taking action regarding this child.

I'm not sure why one child being more intelligent makes so much difference either. I know loads of kids who are very low ability but also very gentle.
My own son is also 8 and the behavior you describe is not normal. That's why I thought it so wrong to slag him off that way. Maybe the parent is fair game (I dont know her circumstances) but I dont think the child is.
That is not the same as saying bullying is okay.