Nasty bully with stupid mother

[kimi]

I am so mad i could scream!!!!!!
There is a god alfew child in my DS1 class who takes great delight in being a bully.
He picks on everyone boys girls older and younger.
He plays rugby and think that makes him tough, he has to be (not just in my view but in the view of most of the playground mothers ) the worst kind of child.

I have lost count of the times he has had a dig a ds1 (who is a very bright boy and thinks that only thick people hit out as they are too stupid to roselve anything any other way) and this week he gave my ds2 (who is 4) a punch on the head as he went in to reception class.
The teachers, the head the deputy head the kids and all the other mothers know this child is an evil little toerag BUT to his mother he is a saint and she wont have it that her pride and joy is a little s*.
Just before the holidays her son came running out of school and (in front of my dh) kicked 9 bells out of my son before hubby pulled them apart, so i rang her as she is supposed to be a friend of mine and said what had gone on and ask her if we could sort out something to stop it happening again, her take on it was it never happened, so my dh is mad?blind?lying? Her take on it was such bull that i was speachless.
I spoke to two other children and the teacher, the head and my son all of whom gave my the same virsion of events that lead to the kicking, but she still would not have a bar of it.
I have to say that i am so cross as every day since school has gone back her little thug has had ago at ds1 (and everyone else) today i went to speak to the teacher again as my child spoke to her and ask her to stop xxx being so horrible and all he got was no no no i dont want to here it, xxx got 7 smily faces today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STUPID BLOODY WOMAN
As a parent i do my best to teach my children what is and is not accecptible and if another parent comes to me to say ds1 did something i will sort it out, if a teacher comes to me and says ds1 has done something i will sort it out, so am i the only one out there! Anytime there has been reason to speak to or be spoken to by anouthe parent it has always been something that could be sorted out, so how do i go about this with my (now ex-friend) as i dont want to carry on a friendship with someone who thinks so little of what my child or any other has to say when there is a problem, she is not doing herself any favours as i was one of only a few mums who spoke to her.
We kind of struck up a friendship when our sons started, but i am so fed up with it now i am sick of her blaming the school, the head the senco thekids and evertone and everything but her own child.
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

i can see both sides here. i understand that if a child has reasons for doing what they do and cant help it then its sad that people think badly of them...but at the same time if a child was hurting mine then im afraid my first instinct would be to protect my own...the point here is though that the school should be doing more and i can sympathise with kimi's frustration, why on earth is his mother being uncooperative? surely if her child has a genuine problem then she would want to help him?

sorry, but from what you have said, I think this child does have problems of some sort.

As hercules says " I would be cross, I would speak to the school but I would not say a child who clearly has problems is a shit. There are lots of children who come from great homes who still have problems. They need support as does the family. Personally I think it is a sad world when a child with problems is called evil."

kimi, I know you say you have friends who have special needs children and you say this boy is definitely different, but how can you be 100% sure?

I'd certainly be cross if my sons were being attacked like this, but really think your anger should be directed towards the school. As it stands, the school holds the only possiblity of change for the better. The son can't, the mother won't, but the school can do something.

My oldest son was bullied last year and it is still continueing. I have written a letter, met the teacher (took my son along as well) keep tabs on what's happening, but decided a long time ago that direct confrontation with the parents or child was a no no. The boy can be very supercilious to me as well as to my son, and it really winds me up. At a party, he taunted and hit my son right in front of me. My son started hitting back, I told off both boys, got the help of another parent in breaking them up (couldn't manage to physically separate two strapping 9 year olds by myself) and the mother just stood around at a distance smiling away. I could feel the anger welling up. I just decided it would do no good to confront right then as I was so cross. The boy's parents are both active in cubs and PTA events, so do care, but for whatever reason, don't seem to intervene. I know they have had to see the head several times with their son, so assume there is a problem of some sort. To my outsider's eye, he doesn't appear special needs, and gets no extra help in the classroom to mark him out. Perhaps he is being assessed and this will happen in time. I don't expect the parents to tell me. I feel I still have a right to be angry, but feel there's no point me directing my anger at them.

Now if your school are doing nothing - you say even this boy's mother has problems with the senco, then perhaps you should move your son away. I sympathise a lot. It is not fair. It's a drastic step I know, but it the school is S* then that IMO is your ultimate solution.

good post tigermoth. I still don't understand where the senco comes into all of this though.

re the senco- reading kimi's first message, I got the impression that the problem boy's mother felt the senco wasn't helping, so I wondered if special needs provision just wasn't good at this particular school. That would affect both kimi's boy in that he is being hurt, and the other boy in that his needs aren't being addressed.

Hi Kimi,

I realise this is a difficult and emotional issue, and I am not suggesting that you and the school should not get involved, but it is worth taking a step back and seeing what the two kids are getting from the exchange:

DS1:

• Some people can be mean and nasty and you have to learn to deal with them. They may grow out of hitting people but you come across playground bullies in all walks of life.
• Hurting people really isn?t fun.
• Physical strength is ultimately an ineffective weapon.

XXX:

• Hitting small people makes you feel big.

Whilst black eyes and bruise are painful, they are also short lived. The lessons of how to stand up to bullies are valuable through the rest of your life.

Equally, the parents of XXX need to start taking a keen interest; the lessons he is learning could seriously damage him the first time he comes across someone bigger then himself.

i agree that this is horrible situation for kimi, and that she should take the strongest action possible to make the school do something about it but...

i don't think any child is 'naturally' a bully. behaviour is learned or there is some problem developmentally imo.

having been bullied as a child, from an adult perspective it is now the bullies i genuinely (not patronisingly) feel sorry for. people in general and children in particular abuse power becuase they feel insecure and scared generally.

just my opinion.

I was bullied too as a child and it stays with you for life. Kimi, do not accept this behaviour. It is NOT appropriate. You are well within your rights to insist that the school do something about this child's behaviour. They need to think about suspension for violence - once this happens, his mum can't ignore it. He needs to be supervised in the playground or banned from it if he cannot control himself. I agree with an earlier poster, make it absolutely clear to the school that unless they take proactive steps to deal with this child, you will be filing charges with the police the next time he assaults your child. Your son has an absolute right to feel safe in his own school.

Thank you, ks, bware, tigermoth, jimjams, nightowl, bobs,socci, woodstock, batters,debra64 and angeliz and everyone else who has posted on this.
I saw the head of my sons school taday and addressed everything that has been going on.
I pointed out that it has gone on for far too long and that this was the LAST time i was going to talk to the school about and that if things are not resolved then i will be speaking to the governors and the local school board.
Turns out that xxx has had a detention almost every day since school went back, and even the head said that "talking to him was not getting anywhere as he takes no notice (by choise)
He did say that he will call in both parents and talk to them (again) but agreed that if things are not backed up at home then there is little that can be done.
I have given him one week to get this sorted before i really blow my top. This "boy" can not be allowed to carry on mixing with children and doing what he does as when he stops bulling my ds he will target someone else to go through the hell.
The head did say he will get the class teacher to bring the class out at home time as this is when he is at his worse, and as this "boy" has said to me and other adults, "its after school you cant do anything bout it" He has also walked away from teachers who have been speaking to him and swears at children and parents,. I can say FOR A FACT it is not because he has senco needs he knows what he is doing and he LIKES it.
Might not get to post again today as ds1 and ds2 have a lot going on on fridays but i will check posts for advice/ comments. Thank you all so much for your input. Thank god its friday.

thank you fabarooney.
This should be a time of learning and friendship building, full of excitement and laughter for children not fear.
I dont want my ds (or anyones) to be the next child in the paper found hanging from a bunkbed.

thank you ks.
Will keep you posted on how it goes.

This boy needs help!
If he's had detentions every day since the start of term, it's clearly not working.
They must do something else.
It's not good enough to say that if they got no parental support, there's nothing else they can do.
In our school (secondary albeit and very oversubscribed), we exclude pupils and don't let them back in until pupil and parent(s) have agreed to a contract of behaviour. They must have a system for dealing with this! I think it would be interesting to see the anti-bullying policy but that will not necessarily explain how they will deal with pupil / parental non-compliance.
Keep your cool but don't let this go; it's just not fair on your DS NOR on this other boy who really really needs someone to set him back on a good pattern of behaviour. (I know he's horrid but he doesn't need to always be so if he gets the help he so clearly needs!)

I haven't read this all thoroughly, but my main thoughts on the subject are;
DD does have SN and even though SN covers such a vast spread of conditions and problems, I would never allow her to bully (more likely to slobber over someone with hugs & cuddles actually ) and just brush it off. It may be like bashing my head against a brick wall at times but whenever she does anything that I feel as not socially acceptable (eg, pushing, throwing when not appropriate..) I would always try to correct her & if necessary make her sign "sorry" to any other party involved. It doesn't always help but at least I feel I have done what I can to both teach her right from wrong and try to avoid any bad feelings.
Sorry if this isn't really appropriate to this thread.

Agree with Rowlers, for the school to say there's nothing else they can do after they've spoken to the parents is not good enough. I hope it gets resolved but it must be tackled ny the parenbts too and the BOY HIMSELF MUST learn that it is unacceptable.
Kimi, i've thought about it lots last night and today and i really hope your boys are o.k and that this boy stops!!

Keep us posted
Have a lovely weekend+++

another 16 year old has been stabbed by another pupil,a pupil rapes a teacher and children hang themselves because of bullies,i think is time parents and schools took more action

I am so glad that you've gotten somewhere with the school. Even the few encounters ds has had with aggressive children have been very upsetting to me. I can only imagine how you must feel.

Agree 100% with ks's post and therefore totally support you kimi. There comes a time when there can be no more excuses (the bullies rely on them).
Hope this problem is resolved to your satisfaction.

Hello again, thank you all for posting, and Dingle please there was NOTHING inappropriate about your post.
DS1 had a very good day yesterday that went without incident. (thankfully)
I am going to ask for a copy of the anti-bulling policy and i am going to sit and write a very calm letter to the governors and outline what is going on and what i am so unhappy with.
My children (like any good mother will know) are my world and i want then to be healthy and happy, so it breaks my heart that ds1 is becoming so very unhappy at the hands of this nasty excuse for a child. I have decided that his mother is NOT a friend despite us getting on well for the past 4 years and me being her shoulder to cry on a while ago (how come i know so much in fact too much about the workings of the family) anyone who is so blinkered to what is going on under their nose and can still turn a blind eye and blame everyone else and say it is because the school and teachers dislike her child is just not worth the effort of my time.
Thank you all for your input, it helps to know i am not alone.

DS1 had a good day today, the class teacher told me that she will be walking the whole class out of school so that will ease the worst of it (i hope) she did say that i am not the only parent to complane about this "boy".
Hopefully we are getting somewhere.

Kimi, Just to put my point across from the bullied point of view I was bullied at school until my parents removed me. The constant threat of physical violence from other girls and al the verbal abuse I took during this time , approx 4 months, has stayed with me forever. I am now 23 and still back away from confrontation. Bullying is a serious issue and can leave echos right through to adult life. The way I see it I had no problems a home until I was bullied and then as a direct result, eg bunking of school, I had issues I became very defensive and would vent my frustration onto others.

Regardless of anyones background its not an excuse for physical violence. I have friends who come from extremely bad backgrounds and very difficult circumstances and they are not violent thugs. Maybe because they knew right from wrong ?

Sorry I have no sympathy if the parents won't take responsibility and the school won't help I would contact the police as it is really assault.

As a final thought while I was in hell all I wanted was someone to help me and make them leave me alone.

Hello jrsmum, thank you for your input, i am sorry to here that you went through a bad time, and that it still effects you.
I was bullied too at school abd i always swore to myself that i would never let my children bully or be bullied.
I cant understand a parent who won't acknowlage that there is a problem and i have always told the parents of ds1 and now ds2s classmates that if my children do anything that is not liked to come to me.
My children know right from wrong because DH and I tell them and show them and when they are naughty (as ALL children are at times) we have time out and no pocket money and the loss of things like playstation or T.V .time.
I dont do these things for my good but for theirs as it will benifit them in the long run.
Also any thing that they have done and get "in trouble" for we discuss and tell them why it is wrong. I cant understand the other mothers total lack of intrest to the point of thinking that when her child poo's the sun shines from his backside.
Still at least the school seem to be trying to do something (at last)
Will post how things are going.