I am so disappointed in dd )-: ...even though I know i should be supporting her

[mosschops30]

We got the school bandings today for high school. There are 5 upper, 2 'middle' and 1 special needs. She has been put in the middle band but it was faily close.

Her best friend who has always been at the same level throughout their schooling is in the upper bands which means she either excelled in the exams or has made massive progress in the last 6 months

Shes in tears now because she said all the kids in her class say that if you get a middle band then you are a 'thicko'

And I dont want her to be in middle band with chidren who couldnt give a toss about whether they learn or not. I am so angry and frustrated that she has only realised now how important her schooling is

But if she did netter than expected in SATS, then it's hardly her fault if the school have shuffled the golaposts - presumably she's in a 'brainy' year. Some degree subjects (used to?) do that. Draw a bell curve, certain % get firsts, certian % 2nds etc- was always better to be in a non brainy year.....

Really disagree with disaproval, whatever the outcome if she's achieved better than expected- for her. The important bit is 'for her', it doesn't matter what the rest of the class are doing.

Wow, she's only 11! And it's only sats, not A levels. I told my stepdaughter that sats were a test for the school, not her and not to worry too much, and I'll say the same to my other children. All this testing, all this pushing, all this pressure, it seems so wrong to me.
I don't like TV in children's rooms myself, but I also think it is wrong to be so upset over some stupid tests for young children.

Also totally agree with Franny. Taking away the games is punishing her for something she was given permission to do by you!

It's like you are saying to her 'you are in the middle band because you I let you play games and watch TV. So now I'm taking it away'

Totally unfair.

Meemar - but perhaps that is one of the reasons?

Aloha - agree - no tv's, games in kids rooms. They can come downstairs.

Still not sure of your dd age?

Level 4 is the national average ( i think) and so she seems ot have been placed in the corrrect banding at present.

Beetroot - I totally agree that the pc games, tv in room etc probably contributed to her not doing as much work as she could have done.
My point is that as parents the OP (and DH) allowed this to happen, then after she has not performed as well as they hoped, they have taken it away as punishment.
Ok, so it's too late to go back in time and limit the time she spent on it. But to completely remove it, when they let her have the distractions in the first place is very unfair.

hmm, I'm not sure that TVs in children's rooms, lots of time spent in front of a computer etc is an automatic passport doing less well in SATS and other tests. Several of ds's friends getn good results at school despite TV and computers being their favourite hobby.

I agree you need to limit the timee spent in front of a screen, but I don't see there's a neat cause and effect between the OP's dd liking computer games and TV and her SATS results.

I think it's part of a bigger picture and the op needs to work closely with the school.

Since when was being in a middle group at school something to be ashamed of?

I think, mosschops, that you are reacting out of your own guilt at allowing this slippage. Until now she has been too young to monitor her own homework effectively, and you haven't been doing it for her.

I think punishing her for not being as academic as her friend is a rEALLY bad idea - it could set her up to never bother trying again - my dad used to do it, and at the age of about 13, I decised the sustained effort wasn't worth having it all taken away for one slip up - similarly he used to pay for me to go on trips then threaten to take them away for 6 months, so I stopped telling him about the trips.

I cut him out of my school life as much as I could because I never got anything out of involving him. I was very similar to your daughter, and by the time I was 16 I was a chronic under achiever.

But you need to reward her for a steadfy improvement in her grades, not moving up a band at school, which can be impossible for a year!

"I just expect my child to not sit huddled in their bedroom on a computer pretending they dont have homework (which is what has happened for last few years)... .she hasnt [done her best] and thats why I'm so frustrated. She is very bright (or so we're told) but prefers to draw daisys on her books and would much rather get the nintendo ds out that her homework."

I think you have nailed the problem on the head. She is still a child and toys of any sort are more attractive than homework. Personally I think you have unrealistic expectations of what an 11 yo will do when left to their own devices.

My 11 yo does his homework downstairs - where I can see him - in silence - with no distractions. I will randomly check what he has done - does not matter if wrong or right - it is effort I look for.

You and DD need to work through this together but be careful - not all children are destined for the top class - no matter if their best friend is. If you see your DD putting in the effort then that is what you must celebrate and praise - not the marks achieved (though obviously if one leads to another it is gratifying).

Totally agree with Aloha. In fact, I rather like our school's way of dealing with SATs. My 6 year old had some practice ones this year (he is in a year 1/2 group) and was told that it was "special maths and special writing for the teachers" .

just to reiterate, what I said below, IME it's much harder to closely supervise homework once your child is at secondary school. When my son tells me he has to write an essay on something, I have no idea if he is expected to do one page or four pages. What he calls an 'essay' can end up being just a few paragraphs long. If he tells me that's all he is expected to do, I am left floundering. Without any notes from the teachers (who are obviously too busy to do this every time they set homework) I have to go on what ds tells me.

I think even at secondary school you get more clues than that though Tigermoth. For example, if one of my children only did a few paragraphs when a whole page was expected, or didn't give enough detail in their answer, the teacher would comment on that when marking their homework. I flick through all their subject books each week so it's easy to pick up on things like that, and especially to see any trends emerging.

I think to a certain extent we have to let our children find their feet at secondary school and learn to work more independently. As parents we can still keep an eye on things though and be ready to step in and chat to teachers as soon as we see any warning signs.

As far as the original post goes, I agree with those who've said it's the parents in this scenario who have allowed their daughter to spend too much time on computers etc, and be 'brain dead' I think she said. What's needed now is lots of support, to provide the right environment and atmosphere for homework to be done in, and to give lots of praise for hard work and effort. It may be that a bit more effort gets the results she wants, but if not the mum may have to accept her daughter is just not top set material. As long as she is trying hard and is given work that matches her abilities, that's what counts.

Only read first quarter of thread - but PLEASE don't ban her playstation etc!!!!!

mosschops - am i right thinking you are in the north east?

Mosschops - I am really sad at how sad you are about this

Tigermoth - I agree but by secondary those ethics and routines of how to do homework effectively should have been put into play...I think the OP will be playing a bit of catch up for the next academic year in as far as teaching her DD the skills to do homework.

sorry to be old-fashioned/out of touch/substitiute old fogey saying of your choice - but isn't it reasonably normal to ban/restrict playstation/computer games during the school week? The older kids in our extended family all have restrictions or even complete bans from Sunday evening to Thursday evening.

Not sure why this thread has been resurrected? Things at home are much more comfortable, after speaking with the head of year and knowing who dd will be in class with.
I am not in the north-east popsycal.
Her high school have a diary which is brought home every day with their homework in it, the teacher fills it in for every child at every lesson and they get coded for their behaviour, whether theyve handed in their homework, whether they arrived late etc. So it should be easier to keep track of what is going on.
And dd was never expected to get on with her homework in her bedroom, she would swear blind she wasnt given any and this was a constant battle with the school and dd and us as parents.
Hopefully will improve now at high school

mosschops - think we will overlap in IOW in August. Fancy meeting? Will you DC's entertain my DS? [selfish emoticon]

hi kew what ages are your dc's? We are thinking of not going if the weather continues to be like this as it will be a miserable 4 days, but we are all booked so just see how the rain goes. What dates are you going? Would love to meet up and have a glass of vino

I have one DS who is 18 months. Not sure my exact dates yet but probably a few days before bank hols until middle/end of the following week. Luckily I'm satying at my sisters house so as long as I can get ferry tickets I don't need to worry.

I was there last weekend and the weather wasn't actually too bad - rained for an hour every morning but cleared up after that.

great let me know and we can hook up for a drinkie

The TEACHER fills in the homework diary for each child in each lesson? Crumbs, that must be half the lesson gone then...

I know it must be a mammoth tak plus putting in codes for their behaviour/equipment/lateness

mosschops it was me who resurrected this thread as I haven't been around much for a few days so was just looking back at some of the older threads. Just found this one by chance. I'm glad you've opened up communication channels with your dd's new school. It's a good idea if the teacher is the one to add things to the diary. Just make sure your dd accurately and fully writes down what she is being set for homework. As ds's school, this bit is done by the pupils themselves and that's when it gets difficult to determine exactly what they are expected to do.

I think it's a good idea to look through exercise books regularly. I don't think we did enough of this in year 7. dh and I were determined to be more hands off in year 7 as we were so hands on in year 6 - we did about 6 months of coaching ds for the 11+, as well as ds attending a tutor group. I felt a bit uneasy about pushing him, so we promised ds we would not interfere so much when he got to secondary school.

It's difficult to find the right balance sometimes. But IME if you and the teachers are united and can write or talk to each other if anything comes up, this is a great help.

Just another thing to add. My son does lots of his homework now during school hours, either before or after school or at lunch times. This means I never get to see it at all till after it has been handed in.

Of course I do have the option of making ds do all his homework in front of me so I can check it to the best of my limited ability. I have not gone down that route as at some point I feel I do have to trust ds to do the work. It is an option, though. We will see how the next parents evening goes.