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Original poster

I am so disappointed in dd )-: ...even though I know i should be supporting her

125 replies

mosschops30 · 18/07/2007 16:08

We got the school bandings today for high school. There are 5 upper, 2 'middle' and 1 special needs. She has been put in the middle band but it was faily close.

Her best friend who has always been at the same level throughout their schooling is in the upper bands which means she either excelled in the exams or has made massive progress in the last 6 months

Shes in tears now because she said all the kids in her class say that if you get a middle band then you are a 'thicko'

And I dont want her to be in middle band with chidren who couldnt give a toss about whether they learn or not. I am so angry and frustrated that she has only realised now how important her schooling is

OP posts:
Tamum · 18/07/2007 18:41

I think the real problem with that strategy is that you have to be completely certain that she is in the middle banding because of sheer laziness, and not because that's where she should be. What if she doesn't go up in November, after trying? Will she still lose her Nintendo and stuff then?

MadEyeMisdee · 18/07/2007 18:41

what if she doesnt move up tho?

Wisteria · 18/07/2007 18:42

That's a good point too but at our secondary school so many children achieved high grades in Maths that they formed 2 top sets to incorporate them all. I find it is best to discuss the report with the achievement manager either in person or over the phone if I'm unsure of potential vs effort.

LaDiDudleyDursley · 18/07/2007 18:44

What will you do if she doesn't move up the band? No PS2/nintendo ever?

I think that at this age the differential between children's abilities starts to increase and some children are left behind those they hace always considered to be their academic equals.

I really think the most important thing you can do for your dd is to try to foster a love of learning, encourage her in whatever she is interested in, National Curriculum or not. This will stand her in good stead for the future no matter what banding she is in.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 18/07/2007 18:45

her head of year has assured me that with a little hard work she can move up a band.
I by no means think she will ever set the world alight, but I just expect her to do her best and thats all, and we all know (school and at home that she hasnt).
So if she tries her very hardest she will move up, I am certainly not expecting her to come out of school with 11 A*.

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meandmyflyingmachine · 18/07/2007 18:45

Yes, if there are enough for two top sets. And in my last school we usually had four top sets for Science but due to a lack ofgood pupils we only had three one year. But you have to fill a class.

How long do they stay banded for? When do they move to individual subject setting?

Original poster
mosschops30 · 18/07/2007 18:47

Ladidi, we do encourage her love of history and she is so good at it and so knowledgable. Its something she can really enjoy, she also loves drama and singing and we pay for a drama school on a saturday so she is well supported in the things she likes.
But i do expect somethng in return, like a bit of effort made at core subjects, like I said I dont expect her to be the best, only to try her best

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Wisteria · 18/07/2007 18:47

Ours were moved around at the end of the first or second term I think. The schools do shift the obvious 'mistakes' quite quickly IME - where their SATs results were completely unreflective of the reality.

Greensleeves · 18/07/2007 18:47

It's so difficult though, because mosschops probably (?) feels she doesn't want to let her dd down by NOT pushing her if that's what she seems to need. It's difficult to separate your own desires/disappointments from your sense of what your child needs to make him/her happy.

I just think that disappointment and punishing will do more harm than good, won't help help the child to achieve and may well undermine the relationship in terms of trust - it's not good to make a child feel that love is conditional IMO.

meandmyflyingmachine · 18/07/2007 18:48

OK. I am a teacher, and I hate to be cynical about my profession, but may he have been placating you? I hope it's true. I hope she has more potential and a bit of a shove will help her to achieve it. And that it is recognised by the school and she is moved up. But I have had a lot of difficult conversations with parents about the placement of their children.

meandmyflyingmachine · 18/07/2007 18:49

We taught mixed ability in year 7 for that reason. SATs are a pretty blunt instrument for assessing ability in Science...

Original poster
mosschops30 · 18/07/2007 18:52

fgs sake greensleeves I'm not witholding love I'm witholding a nintendo ds and PS2. Surely the two are completely different. Computers in our house do not =love.
I certainly dont love her any less and she certainly doesnt think I do

Placating me with what? She was only 2 points off the higher banding I dont think its an unrealistic target

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Wisteria · 18/07/2007 18:52

Some dcs need a push or kick up bum now and again, especially if they're easily led astray in the classroom or at home and some don't admittedly.
At no point should love become conditional though and I wouldn't imagine for a second that it is in MC's case. Whenever we have 'the chat' we always end with me telling her how much I love her etc and for our dd - her father being disappointed in her is enough for a complete transformation! I have to resort to punishments I'm afraid....

Wisteria · 18/07/2007 18:55

I'm afraid this is all beginning to sound to me as though material possessions are a divine right of dcs - they should be earnt IMO and withdrawn if behaviour suffers as a result which is clearly what has happened in Mosschops case (same as my DD).

LaDiDudleyDursley · 18/07/2007 18:56

The drama school sounds great mosschops, somewhere that she can excel outside of school.

In principle I think that encouaging your child to "try his/her best" rather than "be the best" is good but, and this is just my personal experience....I was a very bright child academically. My parents weren't pushy but just encouraged me to "do your best". I was a very self-motivating child and I actually found the pressure to "do my best" very hard. I felt, perhaps wrongly, that I needed to do my best or else my parents would be very disappointed in me. I worked very hard for GCSEs and A-levels and got very good grades but I still had a sense of a fear of failure and that I would be letting them down ratyher than myself if I didn't do well.

Like I say though, that's just my very personal expereience and probably more to do with the combination of my parents and me than the phrasing but still "always try/do your best" is actually quite pressurising.

Though sadly I have no alternative ideas so will look to the more experienced parents for help when the time comes for me to encourage and motivate dd!

Greensleeves · 18/07/2007 18:56

I think that if you are withdrawing the things she enjoys and are upset enough to be sending your dh out for fags because you are so upset about her failure to achieve, it could feel like conditional love, to an 11yo.

OTOH, you could just do what you were planning to do anyway, refuse to take on board anyone else's perspective, and only engage with the posters who support your attitude

Original poster
mosschops30 · 18/07/2007 18:59

just so we dont go over the top with the fags ...dh didnt buy me any. and I dont smoke in the house or in front of the children 'did you imagine I was brandishing a smoking fag shouting all this is your fault' honestly????????

I'm not only engaging with people who agree with me, but I am not of the namby pamby give your kids whatever they want whenever they want, however they behave because they might just think we dont love them, school of thought.

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Greensleeves · 18/07/2007 19:01

No, neither am I

Your dd, your choice. I was just contributing my view.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 18/07/2007 19:02

thank you and I take it on board

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Reallytired · 18/07/2007 19:07

Does your daughter have targets? Prehaps you can withhold tv/nintendo/PS2 if she does not reach her target and her report says that she is a lazy sod.

What is a her school report like? Does she work? Or was she just unlucky?

hotbot · 18/07/2007 19:11

i think we also may be mssing the point that actually too much ps2 and tv is not good either and in a child perhaps should be limited anyway!!! (imvhu)

nutcracker · 18/07/2007 19:11

Can you not just make sure that she has done all of her work before using the ds, ps2 or whatever ?? Or is that what you meant anyway ??

Personally I would hate to think that any of my kids thought I was so dissapointed in them, and would not say a word to them, but instead help them to work harder.

MaloryTowers · 18/07/2007 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saffy202 · 18/07/2007 19:15

In your post you said "she has done better than expected" in maths. Therefore she is trying. I think you need to give her some praise for that.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 18/07/2007 19:17

MT I am coming round to your way of thinking. I never had tv in my room until I was much older. Kids these days seem to be unable to live without it.

No I am witholding the ds and PS2 until the exam result, they will return if she moves up a band.
The tv will still be allowed but will be restricted to after homework and dependent on diary report each day

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