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Original poster

I am so disappointed in dd )-: ...even though I know i should be supporting her

125 replies

mosschops30 · 18/07/2007 16:08

We got the school bandings today for high school. There are 5 upper, 2 'middle' and 1 special needs. She has been put in the middle band but it was faily close.

Her best friend who has always been at the same level throughout their schooling is in the upper bands which means she either excelled in the exams or has made massive progress in the last 6 months

Shes in tears now because she said all the kids in her class say that if you get a middle band then you are a 'thicko'

And I dont want her to be in middle band with chidren who couldnt give a toss about whether they learn or not. I am so angry and frustrated that she has only realised now how important her schooling is

OP posts:
Original poster
mosschops30 · 18/07/2007 17:02

yes I am very good at english but the worlds worst at Maths. but then I was set 2 for english and 4 originally for maths but moved up to 3 (still never passed it at gcse).

I suppose I just have to hope she is going to be ok.

Have told dh to buy me some fags havent smoked for days but this has tipped me over the edge

OP posts:
fsmail · 18/07/2007 17:02

So good at English that I make grammatical errors all the time!

lisad123 · 18/07/2007 17:10

Being in top sets does not mean you give more thought to your education. I was in top set for everything at school but still didnt work hard, was rude and our classes were terrible, so much so we made more than one teacher cry
If she pushes herself im sure she'll make it higher and you can always do extra to help her. Good luck
Lisa

meandmyflyingmachine · 18/07/2007 17:16

I have no idea how five upper bands, two middle bands and a 'special needs' band works in practice. But I do think that if your dd has been put in the right band for her ability, then removing TV etc until she is moved up a band is downright unrealistic. And damaging. Do her teachers say she is underperforming?

meandmyflyingmachine · 18/07/2007 17:17

Oh OK. Cross posted. Sorry.

singingmum · 18/07/2007 17:25

Can't believe this OP
1)She is a child and ok so maybe she hasn't worked as hard as you hoped,but,she shouldn't be feeling a faliure and you shouldn't be pressuring her but helping her.
2)Why are you witholding PS2 etc?That is not going to help and will prob be making her feel like shite
3)Please re-read your orig post and realise how you sound.Be proud of what she has achieved and help and encourage her in the subjects she is failing at.

How must this poor child feel!!!She comes to you for help etc. and you act like this.I amfor her

Wisteria · 18/07/2007 17:34

Not going to get into this in any massive detail but I gave my dd1 a massive kick up the arse in yr 7 when her grades slipped (her behaviour deteriorated as well), had her put on report, took MSN/ computer away and grounded her until her next school report - it worked and you probably think I was over harsh but it worked.
She works hard now, without fail as she doesn't want to lose her privileges.

lisad123 · 18/07/2007 17:38

i only read first post, now read all.

I think its terrible you are compearing your daugther to her friend. You mention a number of times this friends dd who is same ability, she cant be as she is in top set. I know you want your dd to do well but try not to put so much pressure on her, especially stop comparing her. She's not in bottom set, shes in a group that will match her ability and hopefully build her confidence to do better. GCSE's are important but not the be all and end all. I know children that did amazing and still have naff jobs and others who didnt do well but now have amazing jobs.
Try to support her, and i dont think punishment until Nov is good either, there needs to be a good balance, of work and play.

Lisa

meandmyflyingmachine · 18/07/2007 17:39

That might work if performance is going downhill, but not if the child is correctly placed, and you just don't like where she's placed.

Reallytired · 18/07/2007 17:40

If she is still in the middle set come November are you still going to ban tv/nintendo/PS2? Is it really her fault if she is a middle ablity child. It sounds like she has done respectably in her SATs even if her results are not amazing.

Its one thing to be disappointed for her if she did not do as well as hoped. Its another thing to be disappointed IN her for not reaching your (possibly unrealistic) expectations.

Its important for her that she knows the sun will still rise inspite of not getting high SAT results. There are a lot of people who didn't do well at eleven, but did well in later life. I am sure you would not be completely barred from medical school for a mediocre SAT performance or even failing all your GCSEs. It might me that she has to do extremely well at an ACCESS course as an adult, but its not impossible.

In Japan its not unusual for children to commit suicide for failing to meet parental expectations. Prehaps as parents we need to keep a sense of propective.

Wisteria · 18/07/2007 17:41

I got the impression from the OP that she had slipped, if that's not the case then it does sound harsh - I knew with my dd1 that she had got lazy and been sidetracked by peers and was capable of much more.

doobypoo · 18/07/2007 17:42

If it's any consolation Mosschops I was in he remedial class for a year in the 2nd year and then moved up to the top class in my third year

Original poster
mosschops30 · 18/07/2007 17:57

oh FFS singingmum, dont give me all the PC crap.
I am not beating her with a stick and burning her with fag ends I am removing her PS2, have some perspective, thats exactly the kind of rubbish i dont want to here.

I am not a pushy parent I just expect my child to not sit huddled in their bedroom on a computer pretending they dont have homework (which is what has happened for last few years). She is a bright child, if she wasnt I would accept that she had done her best, but she hasnt and thats why I'm so frustrated

She is very bright (or so we're told) but prefers to draw daisys on her books and would much rather get the nintendo ds out that her homework.
She will still be allowed to watch tv and stuff she likes once the homeworks completed but it wont be a free-for-all like it is now (e.g. come in throw bag down, upstairs tv on)

OP posts:
juuule · 18/07/2007 18:04

I really feel for your dd. She has the upset at school and your huge disappointment in her at home.
Yes, you should be supporting her not adding to her misery.
And saying things are so bad you've sent dh out for fags - stop feeling sorry for yourself and think about your dd.
It's not the end of the world that she's in the middle band. Fwiw, she got a level 4, which is the level expected at this age. So she did just fine. No need for all this judgemental stuff.

"And I dont want her to be in middle band with chidren who couldnt give a toss about whether they learn or not"

How would you feel if that's the opinion of your child that some other child's parent has?

"I am so angry and frustrated that she has only realised now how important her schooling is"

Hang on. She's around 11yo. She is probably just upset that she's not with her friend. Maybe not much to do with importance of schooling just yet.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 18/07/2007 18:09

Sorry I dont agree but then again we all have our own opinions dont we

OP posts:
Speccy · 18/07/2007 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Reallytired · 18/07/2007 18:16

Do you feel that you let her down by not supervising her in the past? Are you disappointed in yourself as a parent or do you blame her?

At what age does a child take responsiblity for homework? I am not sure. I hope that by 11 my son will take some responsiblity. Prehaps its better to let a child fail their SATS than their GCSEs.

It wouldn't have been the end of the world if she had ended up in the special needs group. Life still goes on. Or at least it should.

lisad123 · 18/07/2007 18:17

If she was a year off her GCSE's might be more understandable, but at 11 years old all i worried about was who was my best friend, who i sat next to at lunch and what boy was cutest in my class. At least she seems to care a little, and not out smoking and swearing at you.
lisa

Desiderata · 18/07/2007 18:24

I do feel for you, mosschops .. but this thread has made me realize how very lucky I am to be totally unambitious.

I couldn't give a fiddler's feck whether my son did well at school or not.

I just want him to be a good man whether he's a neuro-surgeon or a toilet cleaner. Society needs both. More importantly, I want him to be popular, well-balanced, cool-headed and healthy.

Somebody's kids have to be in the middle band. That that somebody is you at the moment seems to be the problem here. If you want her to move up, you know what you've got to do.

Encourage her (which is exactly what your implied in your OP).

Wisteria · 18/07/2007 18:27

I think you're all being overly harsh on Mosschops - I understand completely how you are feeling and we did the same thing except it was in yr 7 that she slipped.
In your shoes I would have a very long chat with her about it now, be supportive of how difficult it is to buckle down when everything else is more exciting and say to her that she has the summer to think it through and will have a new slate in September (no point banning stuf for the summer as she won't have any homework to do anyway, you will probably get a progress report at the end of the Autumn term MC and then you will be able to gauge whether she is trying her best or not. Issue an ultimatum that she does her work as soon as she gets back and once it is out of the way (and you've checked it) then her time is her own. Tell her what she will lose (mobile/ ps2 etc) if her grades don't improve by December.
It doesn't do any harm to keep them on the straight and narrow when they move up to High school as long as your expectations of her aren't higher than what she can realistically achieve. She will probably buckle down of her own accord but I understand completely the shock you've had and the guilt you may be feeling for allowing her the freedom that you feel she has abused.
Rootin for ya - enjoy your fag!

Greensleeves · 18/07/2007 18:31

I can sympathise with your position and your feelings mosschops (I think more of us really want our children to do well academically than would readily admit it). As far as the punishing/removing things from her, well, personally I don't think punishments of this kind work to motivate children at all, but that's a matter of personal style I suppose. Only you nkow whther she is just not up to it intellectually or whether she has been slacking significantly.

I would say this though in the strongest possible terms: parental disappointment is corrosive. Worse than anger/indifference/pushiness IMO. No 11 year old deserves that horrible feeling, and it won't make her work harder, it will just make her feel sad and insecure.

Wisteria · 18/07/2007 18:34

Parental disappointment is awful GS I agree (always had that from my dear papa) but it doesn't have to come across like that and as long as you praise them to the high heavens when they improve, it works wonders IMO.
I did explain to my dd that it was for her own benefit to do well at school and that it wouldn't help or hinder me in the slightest either way but as a parent I have a responsibility to help her to achieve her potential and if I didn't do that I would be failing her as a parent.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 18/07/2007 18:35

Thank you desi and Wisteria. I totally agree, nothing will be removed over the hols and she is free to enjoy them and do whatever she wants.
Then she knows that when she goes back to school we need to see her diary and she needs to complete her homework, then she can watch her tv for an hour or so before bed.
If and when she moves up the band she will still have the same but will be allowed nintendo and PS2 also in the evening and weekends.
Totally reasonable IMO

OP posts:
MadEyeMisdee · 18/07/2007 18:36

i really felt for my friends whose parents were disappointed in them at school. they were under so much pressure to do well, and it was horrible as a friend to see.

yes i was a top set person, but was also lazy, and maybe in some ways wasnt pushed to do as well as i could. but i didnt want to be like my friends who cried if they slipped below a B grade. I once got an A+ on an eassy and my so-call friend flipped out because she got a B and apparently she was 'better than me in all subjects'.

i dont think banning ps2 etc is the way to go, but maybe sit down with your dd and work out a homeworks stragegy, check her homework book each evening (do they still do those?) and check its done, not all at once, pieces that need to be in the next day do first obviously, but longer essays if a longer deadline, give mroe time to do it.

does she have a desk in her room to do homework?

meandmyflyingmachine · 18/07/2007 18:39

I think you need to rethink the moving up a band criteria for allowing the games and stuff. Realistically,she will move up a band only if her grades improve and another child's go down. There will be limits on the numbers in each class. That's why the thresholds change each year - it's to do with the number of children achieving each level. By all means push for an improvement in attainment, and certainly for an improvement in effort. But be realistic.