DD not happy at a Private Boarding School

[masi2]

Good evening all. I am kind of lost and need help. My DD is at a weekly boarding school, because of work commitments that was the best l could do for her to have a better education without any disruptions. The problem now is the school is highly rated but l don't think they are aware that some children are overlooked. I have raised my concerns before, according to my DD l made it worse for her. I'm sure some people will be asking ”why can't you move her? It's complicated. If she hurts herself or something she needs an adult to look at. She has to wait until she can speak to me because she feels she can't open up to anyone she feels they think she is just seeking attention. A member of stuff called her an idiot a few days ago. Surely that can't be right. She is 10 by the way.

Sorry for the long post.

"but you need to probe deeper into what really underpins their dysfunctionality.. But it can't help, can it?"
Assuming Im understanding your point correctly that it a totally different and very controversial debate and would require a thread on its own!

"But first I would get someone (a paid independent social worker or child advocate?) to come and help me advocate discreetly face to face."
As a parent you should be your child best advocate your child is relying on you to do that for them. You know your child better than any paid advocate, assuming the OPis articulate and able and not afraid to voice her opinions then she should doing this it is her responsibility as
"a parent.a looked after child in care would have more protection"
Girlofgold you clearly have no idea about how CP is currently working!!

“She is my everything.”

Your actions aren’t reflecting this. I’m grateful to you for serving your country, and I judge the father terribly for not being around to support you.. but put yourself in your daughter’s shoes, it would be totally understandable if she felt that she comes secondary to your career. This probably isn’t a conscious feeling on her part (in fact I bet she’s extremely proud of you!) but no good can come from leaving a primary school aged child in an environment where she feels even slightly uncomfortable or uncared for, whilst her most treasured person in the world is off pursuing their career at the other end of the country/ other side of the world. Good luck with whatever course of action you take, I hope it works out for you both.

Happy gardening. I'm sure the op is plenty able to advocate. I'm thinking if she is uncomfortable there are experts in working out what's best for children out there who work on a paid per hour basis. They could help and nudge the school along. I do actually know how CP works and paid to do so, but yes I am "thinking outside the box" 😄.

I think bringing in an advocate should only be a last resort and when there are no literally no other options open to the OP and her DD. If a school actually requires this then its a very poor school indeed however highly rated in might be on paper or amongst other parents and I would have thought moving her, if this is possible in the OPs circumstances would be significantly more preferable.
A friend accompanying the OP to a meeting might help as does writing down concerns clearly before meeting with an the appropriate member of staff and taking notes, (something a friend could do) then following up with an email; in the meeting you agreed to do X Y and Z. we agreed to review the situation in 4 weeks/by the end of term etc.
Independent schools have governing bodies and complaints procedures and these should be followed in the first instance if the OP feels her concerns aren't being properly addressed.
Never forget OP most independent school want your money how ever over subscribed they claim they are.
Lastly you cannot change ethos, some schools both day and boarding are underpinned by man up culture you cannot change this.

happygardening

Yes I did read your post and you said

I know lots of boarders now in the ate teens early 20's obviously in some I see some of the traits mentioned in boarding school syndrome

No where do you mention children who didn’t board.

You then go on to say that Boarding School Syndrome is akin to having shitty parents.

I don’t know how well you know all these well adjusted people. But I have met and been out with many ex boarding school pupils and people who went to the local grammar or comp.

There is a difference between them.

How many 40+ year old ex boarders do you know well. From talking to partners of other ex boarders and comparing personalities it gets worse as they get older.

Saying you know many in their late teens early 20s isn’t the issue. It is as people get older that it starts to really affect them more.

I still don’t think you know these teens as well as you think you do as one of the symptoms of boarding is secrecy. They wouldn’t tell you that they were upset anyway.
Firstly because they at this stage are just starting out and think it is normal what they have been through and secondly you are someone else’s parent and wouldn’t tell you anything anyway because it would reflect badly onto their parents and thirdly given your verbose replies you wouldn’t be interested in what they said anyway.

I’m pretty anti boarding school for all dc but military kids can be an exception as often there is no choice and even if OP decided to leave the army tomorrow it’s going to take a year or so before she actually can. So people telling her to just pull her child out of school and find a different one are but helping
OP I doubt the issue is that you aren’t wealthy, it may be that your child just isn’t suited to boarding and she is very young- my son is the same age and he just wouldn’t cope at boarding school. You need to look for another solution, and maybe leaving the army ASAP is one to look at. I know people who have used their military backgrounds to get teally good jobs, depending on your transferable skills.
Are you in The UK now? Can yiu speak to your welfare officer and explain and take some leave to see your daughter and review your options?

Olivasmumsarmy I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this one., I'm not wasting any more of my time or yours providing actual evidence that will back up my knowledge and very extensive experience in this field as you clearly wont believe me.
interestingly I when ever I get into this debate which recently Ive tried to avoid as its so pointless and people are so dogmatic I get numerous PMs from other parents supporting me.
Anyway Im going to hide this thread as its not good for my BP!!
Good luck Op I hope you resolve you DD's difficulties

I went to one of the top boarding schools while my parents were abroad and all of the girls who went there from a young age left completely screwed up. At least I only went in the 6th form. I still keep in touch with them and they have nearly all had disastrous lives.
What's more important? Work or your child?
Sorry to be so blunt but I'd sooner be on benefits with my child and be happy than subject them to this.

Thank you all for your contributions, positive or negative I am taking everything on board.

I am in the UK at the moment and l will go through the Welfare channel for advice as well. Thanks

Unless if you are in the same situation or you have had dealings with people in the same situation then l believe its hard to understand why a parent would send their child to boarding school.

If you were me. Would you go to the head straight away? Or go through the governors?

Believe you me my daughter is more important than my career but of you sign up for something then you will have to follow the right channel when you want to leave.
Again you have all been great in your own ways. Thank you.

"I said to her if l were to go to the head with all this issues would you tell him what has been happening. She said yes as long you are there."

Would welfare allow you some time to sort this out and spend some time with your daughter?

Good luck to both of you.

Reading this thread has made me feel very sad.
My ds is also at a boarding prep school and feels exactly the same. Unfortunately he has to endure sarcastic comments from some teachers who seem to get a real kick out of treating children this way.
We did speak to the school and it has only made matters worse , just as my son said it would. The school is all boys and prides itself on it's pastoral care. It should add ' for the few not the many'. He is utterly miserable and I deeply regret not removing him. Going into too much detail would be too identifying.

The chosen few can behave as they wish , with racist and sexist remarks being the norm. My son just sees them as cavemen and now he would find it highly insulting to be picked for anything or win a prize. He need not worry ,it will just be more of the same for him until he leaves in July. He is just grinning and baring it as he only has one more term to go. I am hoping for the same outcome as @happygardening. My son is looking forward to his senior school as is by all accounts a very civilised place. The housemaster chose my son and we are very impressed with the correspondence so far. The thought of his new school is September is keeping him going , I am not sure I could have been so strong at his age.

Please move your child @masi2 , you still have plenty of time . It will only get worse as it has for my son.

Thank you for your messages. Regarding Welfare, they will probably give a week. I will need longer than that to sort myself out.

@Marthasvinyarsound sorry your son is going through the same. I will need to sort this out. Soon as. Thanks a lot for your help.

What l would have loved is a headmaster from a prep school to actually reply to this post and how they would deal with a situation like this if a parent was to go to them with a concern regarding his or her staff. 🤨

Good luck @masi2 , our visit to the headmaster was futile. Change was promised , instead more teachers have joined in the nasty treatment if anything. They are completely different when speaking to the chosen ones. I strongly advise a new school, I only wish we had.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time about boarding. It's a tough choice. It's not setting her up for a life of misery, not at all. You do what you can with the circumstances you face. It's rotten that her dad is not around and it's all fallen to you.

This is what I would do. Try to arrange a few days off work. Go and spend the day with your dd. Tell her this is a day for you and her to work out what you can do together to make things better for her. Tell her how proud you are of her, how much you love her, how important it is to you that she is happy. Tell her you know your job has a huge impact on her life. I'm sure you have told her all this already but tell her again.

Tell the school whatever story you need to get her out of school for the day. Family emergency, hospital appointment, whatever. Spend the day with her and really talk through everything that is troubling her. You can generally get a better feel for what's going on if you can see her body language rather than by phone.
Make an appointment to speak to her head of house or whoever you think will be most appropriate. Even if your dd is not keen, do it anyway. See if you can arrange for you to speak first without her then she joins you.
Talk through with her beforehand all the options and possible consequences- changing boarding school, staying where she is, day school with a nanny or childminder. Try to think through what might help in her current situation. A particular member of staff who's upsetting her, can she be moved to another class for example.
It's not necessarily about boarding either, kids have difficulties in all sorts of schools.

You care about her, you'll work this out.

I’m a service brat, and I boarded. You say you move every 2-3 years (sounds familiar). Can I ask if that’s overseas or within the UK?

Thank you all. @flitwit99 l am around this weekend to pick her up and spend time over the weekend. So I'm going to try and get to the bottom of this thank you very much. @marthasvineyardsound thank you. All the best for your son too.

@longtalljosie l have not been overseas for longer than 6 months spend most time in UK.

Really appreciate all your time.

My dad was in the army. I happily moved school every 2 years. I have wonderful memories and got to see the world.