DD not happy at a Private Boarding School

[masi2]

Good evening all. I am kind of lost and need help. My DD is at a weekly boarding school, because of work commitments that was the best l could do for her to have a better education without any disruptions. The problem now is the school is highly rated but l don't think they are aware that some children are overlooked. I have raised my concerns before, according to my DD l made it worse for her. I'm sure some people will be asking ”why can't you move her? It's complicated. If she hurts herself or something she needs an adult to look at. She has to wait until she can speak to me because she feels she can't open up to anyone she feels they think she is just seeking attention. A member of stuff called her an idiot a few days ago. Surely that can't be right. She is 10 by the way.

Sorry for the long post.

I was that 10 year old. Boarding school syndrome is a real thing. Google it.

@boardingschoolmater
You say your a SAHM yet your kids are at boarding school, that's a bit contradictory.

Not at all, Bookworm4. By the time they've had Leave weekends/school holidays (not always coinciding), they're barely ever there. Plus I still have one at day school.

OP, who have you contacted thus far? There is normally a kind of chain of command before you go to the Head. If I had a concern, the House Master/Mistress and Matron (or whatever word the school uses for this - my DC's school doesn't use this word, but she's the 'mum' person who nags them about lost stuff, bandages them up, makes them hot chocolate etc) would be the first ports of call...

How is she at weekends?

I don’t think the op has actually given any information as to where her daughter goes at weekends. I don’t get the impression that she sees her mother every weekend

The first point of call is the class teacher who l have contacted before. The head of department the house mistress. I have tried them without even mentioning anything to my DD. I Dont think confidentiality is a thing at this school. I believe they go and discuss any raised issues in the staff room. 🤷‍♀️🏾 I see her almost every weekend. When she is home she is happy.

How long has she boarded at this school? Is this unhappiness a recent phenomenon?
My DS's started boarded at prep, DS1 was always happy DS2 became unhappy when the head changed. We're hopelessly liberal easy going and eccentric the new head was a total stuffed shirt, he openly favoured certain children (the compliant ones who wanted to please, my DS is a confirmed lone wolf) and cricket was his passion and sole topic of conversation my DS was not the only one who was unhappy in this stuffy unimaginative environment. In the last 2 years we became concerned repeatedly offered to move him and in his last year we actually decided to move him he refused point blank to go stating it would effect his entrance exam outcomes. In hindsight I think we should have moved him but it's easy to be clever in hindsight.
For senior school at 13+ he had places at super selective day school (state grammar), an total exam factory in my opinion, a super selective really big name 21st century liberal outward looking urban school with a handful of boarders he would weekly board but could meet up with us in the weekday on a regular basis especially my DH who was often in the area and a super selective full boarding school he choose the later.
Towards the end of his career I asked him if he regretted his choice after some careful thought he said no he didn't if he had the same choices he'd make the same decision. He thrived at this school did well he was for us and him most importantly allowed to be himself and that is despite a huge personal tragedy (not the schools fault in anyway) which has impacted on his life quite significantly.
What Im trying to say perhaps not very clearly is that it's not always the boarding that the problem but the school.
Secondly I work with children in both sector and worked in boarding schools for a significant length of time. I saw unhappy homesick children, we always advised parents to give it two terms, I once worked with a pupil who was utterly miserable, the most miserable Ive ever seen, I honestly thought it was a lost cause, for the first two terms he just sat around crying all the time then I didn't see him for a number of years and thought he'd left then one day a pupil bounced up to me laughing it was him! I talked to him yes he hated it in the beginning yes his parents offered him a day school and yes he nearly left but for some reason he decided to stick it out and persevere he didn't regret his decision he loved the school now. Another boy was nearly as miserable not only was he very unhappy but he was impacting on the other boys in his house/year after two terms and no improvement we advised the parents to remove him for everyones sake he went to a day school and was happy again.

Who can you talk to about your DD? Is there a houseparents, or matron who is might help? You need to do this regardless of what your DD says if its a"highly rated" school they should listen be concerned and genuinely want to help. How big is the school and how many of your DD's age are weekly boarder what is the ratio of day pupils to boarders? A predominately day school with boarders will have a totally different eel to it when compared to a boarding prep with some day pupils. This could impact on how she feels as well.
I don't believe that boarding irrepably damages children over the years both professional and personally I have seen 1000's of children happily board and who turn out normal happy well adjusted adults with amazing relationships with their parents/friends etc but I do believe 1.it has to be the right school for the individual child and 2. even if the school appears to be a good fit some children are just not suited to boarding life and all that to entails . When I was looking at senior schools for my DS2 I consider a number of "highly rated' schools one in particular stands out on that front but I won't name it as certain mumnetters will descend on me frothing at the mouth with indignation but I felt that most were not a good fit and that my DS would not be happy there so "highly rated" is not everything.
Finally over the years I've met quite a few children at boarding school with parents in the armed forces I totally get why your doing it I was also lead to understand by these parents that changing school is not an easy option and not. popular if your receiving help with fees as the whole point is continuity of school/education and so they expect children to stay in their chosen schools and only as an absolute last resort to move is that still the case?

Should just add "being over looked" in a prep school is a common occurrence. I know many parents who feel their DC is overlooked and will provide pretty damming evidence to support this, e.g the same prizes being given to the same small group of children year in year out regardless of who successful other children are, and then the same children being picked for leading roles in school plays despite atrocious singing/acting abilities or then the same children becoming captain of sports teams again regardless of ability. I dont now why preps do this. A boy at my DS2's prep won a 9 prizes one year for outstanding achievement one for a subject he came bottom in the class in and another for a sport he hadn't turned up to all year by the end of the price giving ceremony some parents were quietly booing and only his parents were clapping! A friend at her DS's prep school got so fed up of one child winning all the prizes at the end of the hideous ceremony she stood up in front of all the teachers parents and pupils and challenged it much to the fascination of the pupils and the delight of the parents! I would love to have been a fly in the wall! Pupils IME don't like it they know exactly who deserves what and want to see fair play. This over favourtism is significantly less common at senior schools.

over = overt

There are mixed messages here. Your DD sounds unhappy at school. But she is also not happy for you to step in. And she has friends

I would say she is scared of change.

Dp was at boarding school from age 7 (only turned 7 a week before)

He loved it.

However it is very obvious that he went to boarding school and not in a good way.

Boarding School Syndrome answered a lot of questions.

Friend (single parent) has a job which means she is on the road Monday to Friday so has hire 2 British Au Pairs to look after her dc.

Could you do something like that.

Why is it better ti hire an untrained often young girl to look after your DC than a highly trained educated member of staff?
I accept your view Oliversmumsarmy that your DP has barding school syndrome but boarding schools have changed enormously in the last 20 years. Im not saying its good for all children but symptoms described do not apply to the vast majority of todays borders we beed to remember that organisations like the boarding school survivors organisation who contribute a lot to this kind of research are entirely self selecting.
I know lots of boarders now in the ate teens early 20's obviously in some I see some of the traits mentioned in boarding school syndrome but not not in all most are well adjusted emotionally intelligent young adults living normal well adjust lives. I also see (professionally) these traits in children who've never even stepped a toe inside a boarding school.

That teacher is not paid to call a child an idiot. You should certainly find out what happened. It's good that your daughter has friends, children desperately unhappy at school often don't.

Why is it better ti hire an untrained often young girl to look after your DC than a highly trained educated member of staff

Because your dc are in their own beds in their own homes and can have privacy if they want and friends round if they want.

happygardening whilst you say boarding schools have changed you do go on to say that you can spot aspects of BSS in people in their late teens early 20s so the effects of boarding school is still there.

Dp to the outside world has a mask of “normality”. He looks, sounds and acts in a certain way.

It is only when the mask slips at home that the real him emerges.

So you might be able to spot Boarding School Syndrome in some the others could just be hiding it well.

Realign your priorities in life. Bring her home. If that means you have to change jobs or get a nanny then do that.

I’m not sure what the point of your thread is when you start by saying you won’t take action.

The fact that a child sees her mother and only immediate family member “almost every weekend” and this is seemed ok saddens me. Poor little mite. Is there a family member she could go live with who would welcome her?

I don’t understand why anyone would choose to separate themselves off from their children in the first place but ...you’ve recognised there is a problem so you now have choices. Either go into the school and have it out with them or withdraw her but you can’t ignore it. Poor child.

She’s 10
She needs her mum
You know what you need to do here
I know the forces pay to have your kids in private boarding, that’s not necessarily the best option
Your daughter is sad
My youngest is 16 now but still appreciates the odd cuddle and “goodnight darling, love you “
I’m sorry but I think you’ve got to prioritise your daughter
Get a different job
Get her out of prison
If you carry on the way you are going your poor daughter has another 8 years of misery and sadness

I didnt board but I was the child who told my mum how unhappy I was at school and was completely ignored. Only as a woman in her mid thirties could I look back at life and realise I'd felt insignificant and unimportant. I did not matter, and it has affected every relationship I've had.. and stopped me from reaching my full potential.

Please dont let your daughter feel she doesnt matter.

"happygardening whilst you say boarding schools have changed you do go on to say that you can spot aspects of BSS in people in their late teens early 20s so the effects of boarding school is still there."
You clearly didn't read what I then went onto say I also see symptoms of boarding school syndrome in people in their late teens and 20's who've never even set a toe in a boarding school. Two adults I know who display every symptom of boarding school syndrome have never boarded in their lives and in fact both wish they had because they feel that their lives would have turned out better but I suspect it would have been too late for them because the damage had already been done at an early age by their mother.
It's so easy to say that its boarding school that creates these symptoms and yes it may contribute but the causes IMO are much deeper rooted than that. At work now very sadly nearly on. daily basis I see unhappy dysfunctional children many who I seriously worry what their long term outcomes will be as adults, off the top my head over the last year not a boarder amongst them, I'm not saying there aren't unhappy boarders that would be ridiculous,. You want to know what the the main cause is when the masks of "normality" doesn't just slips it falls off ? Problems within families, dysfunctional parenting, the lines from the famous Larkin poem frequently come into my head when I listen and observe parents and children. When I worked in boarding schools yes some unhappy children enquire, probe deeper; dysfunctional parenting in the vast majority of cases. I'm not talking about abuse that's a totally different ball game, I'm talking about the usual stuff hideous acrimonious divorce, totally unrealistic expectations, alcohol and substance abuse, poverty and all that goes with it. parents who totally lack any empathy, parents who appear to lack any obvious love and warmth both physical and emotional, parents who are never satisfied with what their child has achieved parents who never praise their children, parents who apply huge amount of pressure on their children to achieve, parents who need to control every micro aspect of a child's life, parental bereavement absent parents, parental illness the list is endless. parenting is a hard job Larkin was right although sometimes what happens is no one fault and we get it wrong or life bowls us a shitty deal and inevitably it has a massive repercussions on our children. Then you add in peer pressure, social media, societal and general media pressure bullying, the increasing pressure from school etc etc, then a child who is already unhappy struggles even more. Social media is currently being blamed for so much teenage unhappiness and mental health problems in children are on the rise and yes without a doubt it contributes to children's unhappiness but children have always self harmed eating disorders have always existed and sadly children have always attempted and succeeded to take their own lives, before their was social media. For example see children being bullied on social media but that it just the tip of the ice berg. it's so so much more complicated than that this.
For those who are totally opposed to boarding its so easy to hang your hat on the "boarding has caused my DH BIL o be dysfunctional" peg but you need to probe deeper into what really underpins their dysfunctionality.

That’s a really difficult situation to be in OP.
Do you think she is focussing in some specifics while actually feeling anxious about something else?
It is a shame if she has made good friends.

Try parents in the Forces board on MN?

Thank you for your messages. DD has been in boarding since Sep 17. It didn't take her that long to settle the house parent was lovely. Boarding is not really the problem. She has friends same age as her and some even younger boarding. I said to her if l were to go to the head with all this issues would you tell him what has been happening. She said yes as long you are there.

About the Military for me to leave l will need to give them a years notice. If l were to move her the process is so long. Unless if we decide she will not go back to private school again. Which might be the case here if nothing changes after raising my concerns with the head. Most people at this school are very rich so the teachers might be thinking how dare you bring your daughter to this school when you Dont fall into the same rich blanket. Just saying.

You say your a SAHM yet your kids are at boarding school, that's a bit contradictory.

Why is that contradictory? My idiot brother and his SAHM wife send their children away for the social kudos ...

but you need to probe deeper into what really underpins their dysfunctionality.. But it can't help, can it?

I met a beautiful young woman recently through friends. She is now 21 and was a boarder from 11 because her father was a very senior ranking officer and spent many years travelling to the worst places. She told me she was miserable and bullied verbally and physically until she was 17 and then refused to go back. This was at a very well known and top public boarding school for girls.

She’s actually very confident and well adjusted but said her entire formative years were miserable.

You need to change schools, surely being in the military gives you access to a very good selection of the best schools.

"Most people at this school are very rich so the teachers might be thinking how dare you bring your daughter to this school when you Dont fall into the same rich blanket. Just saying."
This is not my experience, remember most of the staff aren't rich for a start they are probably earning similar salaries to you.
When DS was at prep (where there were lots of mega wealthy families) the over looked children often came from these wealthy families, Sunday Times Rich Listers etc. or from the really posh families hereditary peers etc children. I used to sometimes wonder why child A was favoured over child B it would be slightly more understandable although no more acceptable if heads with one eye on bursary pots and new astro turf for their hockey pitch were rolling out the red carpet and favouring one child over the other if this was all about money, or if it was just simple snobbery its much more insidious than that.

I do think those that shout loudest get the more, a parent at DS's prep was always up the school complaining about X Y and Z much of it very trivial I rarely complained as did many of my friends who also felt their children were being seriously over looked and when I finally did try to raise it made no difference it was too late; Alea iacta est .

Op. I would change schools. But first I would get someone (a paid independent social worker or child advocate?) to come and help me advocate discreetly face to face. The problems don't sound insurmountable, but they'd need to prove to me they were bending over backwards completely to help a vulnerable child. Your child is very vulnerable and a looked after child in care would have more protection. If they spit the dummy at a SW or child advocate or don't do the business for her, you have your answer.