DD not happy at a Private Boarding School

[masi2]

Good evening all. I am kind of lost and need help. My DD is at a weekly boarding school, because of work commitments that was the best l could do for her to have a better education without any disruptions. The problem now is the school is highly rated but l don't think they are aware that some children are overlooked. I have raised my concerns before, according to my DD l made it worse for her. I'm sure some people will be asking ”why can't you move her? It's complicated. If she hurts herself or something she needs an adult to look at. She has to wait until she can speak to me because she feels she can't open up to anyone she feels they think she is just seeking attention. A member of stuff called her an idiot a few days ago. Surely that can't be right. She is 10 by the way.

Sorry for the long post.

I think I would be seriously re thinking my career if I were you.

I am presuming she has only been there since September if boarding is new to her? Is it full boarding, weekly boarding or partial boarding?
Whatever it is, does the school allow you to downgrade the boarding (e.g. full -> weekly or weekly -> Flexi)? That might be the logical next step to see if she can settle down.
If that isn't feasible or doesn't solve the problems, I would take her out and start her in year 7 as a day pupil. You will be amazed how different secondary is anyhow - late finishes due to sports and clubs etc. An au pair would be sufficient to keep an eye on her.
But please don't just leave her

Honestly a child would rather stay with their parent and move every 3 years than go away to board full-time.

Ignore my previous post. I should have said some children.. Some adore boarding!!

Eh? So you can't have your child live with you because of your career choice?
She is either being called an idiot by one of the adults that are meant to be caring for her, or she is unhappy enough to have made that up. Either way, she needs to be removed from the school. You need to choose her now, whatever the consequences. She is still so young and sounds so lost and unhappy. She is calling out for you to help her.

Is her father on the scene ?

If she is in weekly boarding do you see her at weekends or where does she go.

The dad is not in the picture. Believe you me. She is my everything. I will start the process of moving schools l need to speak to the heard first to make him aware. She has been fine this is her second year. She is reluctant to move because she has made good friends. She is a weekly boarder.

As you’re not seeing her regularly could you not consider her living and going to school with s family member ?

If you have odd hours who does weekends ?

I'm afraid if l say anything to the heard and speak to the stuff that will make things worse for her.

My brother helps out sometimes but the school is a bit of a drive from where they live

Who has her on weekends when you're away? Maybe they could have her full time?

My SIL has put her career before both her daughters, one has mental health problems and the other can't get far away soon enough.

Look for another school, ideally near a relative who can pop over to see her if she's there over a weekend. They do vary a lot in how much pastoral support they offer.

Thank you all for your time. I will take everything on board.

OP, I am absolutely evangelical about the brilliance of boarding schools (and this is choice, rather than circumstance, as it is in your case). But I would absolutely not be if my DC were at a school which called them idiots. I would be removing them like the proverbial shot.

I am not going to pass any negative comment on boarding per se. But to respond to your OP...

There are mixed messages here. Your DD sounds unhappy at school. But she is also not happy for you to step in. And she has friends. She is only 10, and she is going to feel ambivalent about this.

You love her to bits and would presumably not send her to board in an ideal world. But you have a decent career, which presumably matters to you. So you are presumably also ambivalent.

It's so hard to know quite what your question is, and how people could advise you. I am a SAHM, so if my DC didn't 100 percent like boarding, I'd have them at home like a shot. Or after they had given it a decent chance, at any rate. When DC1 went at 13, I said we would give it a term, and then re-think if he wasn't happy by Christmas (I thought he would hate it at first, as it was so different from being at home). I think that having this as a security blanket might have helped, but he is now worrying about having to leave after he finishes his A levels, because he loves it so much .

Overall, the experience has been wholly positive for us.

OP, your DD is that bit younger, which makes it more difficult to gauge exactly how she feels and why. Nobody should be calling her an idiot. I'm not saying you should change career or your working pattern, but would it be possible, if you needed to? How receptive is your DD's school to parental concerns? A good boarding school will go above and beyond the call of duty to look after the children in their care. IME, they are a damn sight better at this than day schools are...

This isn’t what you will want to hear but I was that child (parents overseas, govt.) and it screwed me up emotionally - and still affects me 25 years later. I was miserable for 5 years and still resent the career choices my parents made (and I think they now wish things had been different too). I get on with but am emotionally distant from my parents and find it hard to empathise with my own kids sometimes. It may be that you can’t change the situation but just be aware that it might not just be the specific school that is the issue,.

I have to say, I only know two people who were boarders at the age of 10, but both of them were deeply damaged for it. I know it's not everyone's experience but I have to say I'd give her the choice; either have disrupted school living closer to family, or board away from me. I think I know what she'd choose.

How receptive is your DD's school to parental concerns?

Did you read the post where the OP says that if she speaks to the head and to the staff that it will make things worse for the child?
I’d love to know who decides schools are ‘too rated’. This one sounds utterly shite

Top rated - not too rated

Yes, I did read that post, @LovingLola. I took it in the spirit in which my teenage DD would mean it - namely that any 'interference' from me (such as me breathing in the playground) will 'just make things even worse'. I agree that this school is not what I would call 'top rated', based on the bit of information we have been given.

Honestly, if it were me I'd be seeking a new job - my child is more important than the army

You’ve had some harsh responses here. Boarding schools are a divisive topic on MN.

I was a full boarder from the age of 9 and loved being at school but, when I had a bad day, I missed being able to get away from it all at home.
If I’d spoken to my parents at that particular moment, I would have been adamant that I was in hell and they needed to fetch me immediately
Once I’d made up with my friends, I’d have been horrified if they’d actually turned up.

‘Idiot’ is not great but it’s all about context.
Someone ruffling your hair fondly and calling you a daft idiot or someone shouting that you’re an idiot are completely different.
You know your child. How is she at weekends? Is she consistently unhappy or worried about the teaching or house staff?
You say your DD doesn’t want to move as she has good friends. How is she at weekends?
Looking forward to the week ahead or reluctant to go back?

There’s a big red flag here that you’re worried that raising issues with the school will make things worse for your DD.

There’s clearly a breakdown in comms between you and the school which you need to address.

Your daughter is in pain. She's calling out for attention. You need to take her out if that school immediately. Is there another school that's a better fit? If not you need to get a job that allows you to put her into a non boarding school. It's not convenient, but it is necessary

Thank you... for your input sorry monosloth you had a bad experience because of your parent's line of work. I hear you guys. The school was fine to deal with concerns before then things went down hill. I will arrange a meeting with the head and have to convince my DD to speak to him while l am with her. I Dont know if it's such a good idea though. To put her on the spot.