Judging a school by the number of children having free school meals

[speedymama]

I was speaking to another mother at the music toddler group my 3yo DTS attend and asked her advice about state schools in the area as she has lived in the area all her life. I have already carried out my own preliminary research and have three that I will be listing on my preference form towards the end of the year.

I mentioned them to her and one of them she dismissed because it tends to take a number of children from a more socially deprived area and consequently, a number of them have free school meals.

Her comments left me speechless because the school has very good Ofsted reports, other mothers that I know who send their children there, rate it highly and their SAT results are excellent (high 80%, low 90% region).

The thing that really upset me was her comment about the free school meals. My DB lost is job two years ago, is still struggling to find a well paid job and his 3 DC receive free school meals.

Since when did receiving free school meals equate to being a social pariah and undesirable? I would have thought that the success of the school demonstrated the commitment of the parents to their DC's education, despite their lower social status.

I think the woman is a snob and will avoid her in future.

I am struggling with the thought that anyone in Catford might have a swimming pool/tennis court in their garden.

We have a pond, does that count?

In real life, one will meet all sorts of people from different backgrounds with whom you have to learn to get along. Learning this valuable life skill at an early age is a blessing, imho.

That is why one of my good friends from university, who is indigenous British, is now a very successful businessman whose parents were very well off also. Our backgrounds were completely different but we got on really well because our backgrounds were immaterial to our friendship.

He desperately wanted me to be his girlfriend too, even though I was black but that's another story.

Agree speedy - kids rarely worry about each others backgrounds and often if you put a few 6/7 yo boys together then they'll happily play without consideration of race, religion or background. But some parental influences can be toxic. If your friend really is a snob then perhaps you should brave it out if by doing so you can show her the error of her ways. But it is a hard one to do, especially if you feel that your children would suffer from her snobbishness.

I'm afraid it is me who will suffer from her snobbishness as I would like to lamp her one. It's best for all concerned that I remove myself from temptation.

"In real life, one will meet all sorts of people from different backgrounds with whom you have to learn to get along. Learning this valuable life skill at an early age is a blessing, imho."

But Fio your comment I guess supports my concern. Had your 15:43:49 post said "Even beating the FSM kids" or "Even beating the black kids", you'd have been lambasted. I know that my children will have advantages in life not available to all, but I hate to think that other people would feel the need to put them down or gloat over them because of that.

Ladymuck - but that's not an inter-changeable analogy.

The gvt uses FSM as an indicator of economic disadvantage, with which there is some correlation with under-achivement. Some People seem to worry about FSM children, and make assumptions about 'disruption'. Some People actively avoid schools with a high ratio of black children, or muslim children. Some People send children to private schools (where private swimmimng pools will presumably be more familiar than in state schools?) because they 'achieve better results' or 'have less disruption' etc etc...THAT is what Fio is commenting on.

lol

Probably Dino, but I find inverse snobbery just as abhorrent as snobbery. And frankly it is just as hard to explain to a 3 or 4yo. We've done a stint where we've been part of the broad mix (ds1 was the only child of his colour at preschool, I was the oldest mum by 10 years). It is easier to go for the option where you blend in more. Who knows which is best though?

You can't judge children for the choices their parents make.............

Do you think snobbery and inverse snobbery are always sides of the exact same coin, though? Rather than snobbery and anxiety about potential snobbery, or a feeling of being outfaced, or embarrassed?

But what do you do when people steer clear because they are different? Ds2 really can't understand why his best friend isn't allowed to play with him outside of preschool. It is obviously his mum's issue rather than the friend's, but I'm not sure that I would really want ds2 to deal with that all throughout school.

Anyway getting OT now, and don't want to completely hijack Speedy's thread.

No please continue this is interesting. My DTS are mixed race and DH has more concerns about them being treated differently because of their skin tone than I do.

Ladymuck, there is an old Persian saying that says (I can't remember it verbatim) that when a wise man has a disagreement with a fool, the greater fault lies with the wise man.

The woman is a fool, don't bother with her.

Best way to equip your kids for being posh in a non-posh school is to let them speak non-posh, I reckon.

Although I continue to struggle to think of anyone in SE6 who has a swimming-pool or tennis court. DD1's best mate has a farking enormous back garden, though.

Now there's a saying that I will remember, Speedy!

Ladymuck - yes, the woman clearly had 'ishoos' - and sad for both children. Maybe she felt she would be embarrassed to return the hospitality? There is a lot of anxiety like that expressed on mn sometimes.

But, an apparantly homogenous grouyping doesn't mean that things won't crop up with people who act like fools over other things...

I don't know, i never trust the easy-sounding option!

Do you mean you should teach them to say 'i reckon' at the end of sentences, MI?